Chapter 3



It was a dark and stormy night. Fortunately, that was on the other side of the planet, near a gigantic crater that no one could explain. Therefore, where Cloud and Aeris were, it was a beautiful sunny day, the birds grazing in the fields, the cows chirping in the trees. It was a strange day, but beautiful nonetheless.

"Be quiet, you damned cow!" Elmyra howled, hurling a book out the window. As the large hardcover sailed through the air, the sun glinted brightly off the gold words reading, 'A Quaint and Curious Volume of Forgotten Lore - Volume 1: Luminaire.'

"Moooooooooooo!" the cow chirped painfully as it was struck full on by the volume and flew majestically through the air with a large green book embedded in its backside.

"Uh..." Cloud observed, scratching his head as the cow blasted off to another dimension, where it proceeded to land on Copy Copy Copy Copy Rezo. "What the heck kind of weird place do you live anyway, Aeris?"

"Oh, dear," Aeris sighed. "Mother must have been drinking espresso again...it always makes her paranoid, and she thinks the cows are out to get her."

"Which we are," one of the cows informed her with a polite grin as it flew past.

"I knew it!" Elmyra shrieked, launching herself out the window at the sailing bovine. Then, pausing mid-air, she glanced at the approaching pair. "Oh, hello, Aeris. Who's your boyfriend?"

"He's not my boyfriend," Aeris giggled, blushing slightly. "He's a boy, and he's my friend, but he's not my boyfriend!"

"So, what is he, then? Your 'friend-boy?'"

"Yeah! He's my 'friend-boy!'"

"Oh, that's nice, dear," Elmyra smiled at her lovely adopted daughter. "Now, excuse me for a moment while I go chase down that cow and remove its entrails through its nose. And when I get back, young man, would you like a cookie?"

"Mom," Aeris began nervously, "you're scaring my friend-boy."

"Actually," Cloud put in, "I was just thinking the same thing." His strangely glowing eyes became dreamy. "Mmm...cookie..."

"Argh! She's removed my stomach!" one of the many flying cows howled in agony. "Er...which one is that?"

"Number 4. See? It's got a label," Elmyra informed the unfortunate creature. "It also says 'Alberta Grade A," she added, confused.

"I'm corn-fed," it announced before immediately slumping to the ground, dead.

"Now!" Elmyra exclaimed brightly, skipping back over to Cloud and Aeris. "How about that cookie?"

"Sounds great!" Cloud replied enthusiastically.

"First, though, I must tell you about Aeris's origin."

"Oh, mom!" Aeris groaned in dismay. "You ALWAYS tell that story to my friend-boys!"

"Hey, hey, hey, just how many friend-boys do you bring home?" Cloud demanded.

"My, my, Cloud, do I detect another note of jealousy? This is becoming symphonic!"

"Cloud?" Elmyra repeated. "That's a hippie name! I'm gonna call you-"

"But Cloud's my name!" Cloud protested.

"Well, what's your last name?" Elmyra pressed.

"Strife," he replied sulkily.

"You're...kidding me, right? Cloud Strife? You sound like a whiner!"

"I'm not a whiner!" he whined.

"Suuuuure you're not," she drawled, exchanging a wink with her daughter. "Now, for my story."

"Uh, mom? Isn't it MY story?"

"Right, right. It all started at the train station..."



"Can we join AVALANCHE yet?"

"No."

"Can we join AVALANCHE yet?"

"No."

"Can we join AVALANCHE yet?"

"No."

"Can we at least stop capitalizing it?"

"Sure."

"Can we join Avalanche yet?"

"No!"

"Can we have a cookie?" Yezo put in.

"No!" Barret exclaimed.

"Can we NOT have a cookie?" Bezo tried, a devious gleam in his eye.

"No," Barret replied, gritting his teeth. "You can not have a cookie. Now, you can see by the clock, it's 8:57, which means ya got three minutes to get the hell outta here."

"Can we join Avalanche first?" Bezo asked.

"No!"

"But I wanna save the planet!" he whined, having something of a Cloud moment.

"He just wants to meet Sephiroth," Yezo explained with a sigh.

"Sephiroth?" Tifa repeated guardedly. "How do YOU two know about Sephiroth?"

"Man, I know everything about Sephiroth, from his shoe size, to what he likes to wear on special occasions!" Bezo announced proudly.

"I know his bubble-bath preference!" Yezo chirped. "Citrus-blend scented, and he likes a rubber ducky. The rubber ducky's name is Masamune. He changed it from Mr. Wiggles."

"Okay," Tifa said after a long pause. "Do you have anything useful to tell us about him?"

"Isn't Sephiroth dead?" Barret asked, scratching his chin thoughtfully.

"He's not dead!" Bezo proclaimed. "He's lying in wait, ready to strike out at those who wronged him so wrong...ly. Uh, yeah. Go Masamune."

"How do you guys know so much 'bout Sephiroth?" Barret demanded.

"Don Corneo told us!" Yezo informed him, making up a plausible sounding lie.

"I KNEW we had to go see him for a reason!" Barret exclaimed jubilantly. "Awright, so I'll go dress up as a woman-"

"We already covered this, Barret," Tifa reminded him wearily.

"Damn," Barret sighed.



"Wow, that was some story," Cloud noted two hours later, munching happily on his cookie. "There's just one thing I don't understand. What's an Ancient?"

Rolling her eyes, Elmyra launched back into the tale.



"Is it time yet?" Sephiroth wondered, glancing at his calendar. "Nope, not yet. Four more days. And then the Shinra will pay. And so will everyone else. Especially that Zack guy," he finished with a growl.

"Zack already paid, remember?" Masamune spoke up in his mind. "We already killed him good!"

"Oh, yeah! Happy memories," Sephiroth sighed, stroking Masamune lovingly. "Ow," he then reflected sadly, bandaging up his hand.

And the seconds passed like years.

"Wow," Sephiroth said mournfully. "The seconds are passing like years. But only four days more until my plan comes to fruition, and I get my wings at last!"

"Your...wings?" Masamune repeated, confused.

"You'll see," Sephiroth informed his trusty, inanimate companion with a wicked smile.

"I swear, this boy's losing it," Masamune commented to the woodwork in Sephiroth's head.



While Sephiroth was having a conversation with his sword, which oddly enough is a manifestation of his rational self, as well as being a compensation for...[ahem]...various perceived inadequacies, Barret still hadn't given up on being the one to wear the dress.

"C'mon, Teef, lemme wear the dress!"

"No!"

"Please?"

"You're scaring me, Barret!"

"Will it help if I stop aiming my gun at yer head?"

"No!" Tifa exclaimed.

"You're scaring us, too, Barret!" Yezo announced.

Both Tifa and Barret turned to glare at the young pair.

"I thought we told you to get outta here!" Barret growled.

"Not until we get into AVALANCHE!" Bezo shot back petulantly.

"You're capitalizing it again, Cuddle-Ducky," Yezo murmured.

"How do you know?"

"I can tell," she replied sagely.

"I'm glad you two havin' this little moment," Barret told them pleasantly. "It gives me time to pick up both you, and throw you out the door."

"I wondered why I was suddenly traveling without thinking about it," Bezo noted as he sailed out the door.

"I thought it was the magic of Midgar!" Yezo added, darting futilely to the side as Barret made a grab for her, catching her tail as a result. "I always hated Midgar."

The next instant, Yezo flew out the door and landed atop Bezo.

"Ow..." said Yezo.

"Yaay!" said Bezo.

"Not here, honey," she cautioned him. "And anyway, don't we want to go back in there and do WHATEVER IT TAKES to get into AVALANCHE?"

"Whatever you say, Zoah," Bezo snickered.

"I AM NOT ZOAH! SHUT UP!"

" Well, I wouldn't mind if you wore the outfit. Just cross straps and a loincloth?"

"And a big ol' helmet?! Sicko!"

"Okay, leave the helmet at home. Metal doesn't really turn me on...unless it's forged into a gigantic twelve-foot blade."

"Um...you're scaring me, honey..."



"Wow! What a great story, Mrs. Aeris's Mom!"

"My name is Elmyra," she replied stonily. "So please stop calling me Mrs. Aeris's Mom."

"You got it, cookie lady!"

"And cookie lady!"

"Right-o, Cow Crusher!"

"You know, cows aren't the only things I can crush," Elmyra ground out ominously, shaking her fist.

"Eep!" Cloud eeped, darting away, then darting back and seizing Aeris's wrist, dragging her with him.



"Barret!" Wedge barked. "Take off the women's clothing! We already agreed that Tifa would be the one to dress up for Corneo!"

"Aw, you never let me have any fun," Barret grumbled, snatching off his glittering tiara and tossing it reluctantly to the side.

"You have a weird sense of fun, Barret," Tifa noted, shaking her head.

"Hey!" the large man exclaimed. "Do you think it's been easy, bein' both mother and father to Marlene?"

"Just because you're both mother and father to her doesn't mean you have to dress like it!" Wedge told him severely.

"Pleeeeeease let me dress up too, Teef!" Barret pleaded one last time.

"I told you, Barret, NO!" Tifa exclaimed. "You're not dressing up, and that's final!"

"Aw, damn," he muttered. "Well, then les' go."



"Wow!" Tifa said half an hour later. "Here I am at Don Corneo's mansion! Hmm...that blonde girl looks familiar...I wonder why."

"I hate my life," the blonde girl said in a husky baritone.

"Stop complaining, Friend-Boy!" the lovely brunette girl, clad in a red evening gown, commanded.

"Stop calling me that!" 'she' shot back.

"That voice sounds familiar..." Tifa muttered to herself as the three waited apprehensively to be called into the Don's bedroom. "Wait a minute! Cloud? Is that you?!"

"Tifa?!" the blonde 'girl' exclaimed. "There you are! I've been worried!"

"Not as worried as I am," Tifa muttered, taking in the pretty purple silk dress that adorned the young man, and catching a whiff of a very sexy sort of cologne. "I thought Barret was the only one...How did you get here, anyway?"

"Don't ask," Cloud requested through gritted teeth. "This has been the worst day of my life. If I have to fight one more house, I'll scream."

"Er...right," Tifa said slowly. Then she turned to the girl in red. "So, who are you?"

"I'm Aeris! With an 's,' not a 'th.'"

"Okay, Aeris. I'll remember that."

"Thanks! What's your name?"

"Tifa," she replied.

"Hey!" Cloud broke in. "Why am I being ignored?"

"We're having a girl-moment," Aeris explained with a chilling dignity.

"We...are?" Tifa scratched her head.

"Yes!"

"Well. Okay, then."

"Barret!" Cloud exclaimed as the tall man sauntered past in a pretty gown of yellow chiffon. "They got you too, huh?"

"Uh...yeah. I hate this. This sucks," Barret said, eyes shifting about nervously. "Ain't I pretty?"

"Of...course you are, Barret," Cloud assured him.

At that moment, one of the Don's henchmen came out of the bedroom.

"He's ready for you, ladies," the man said before scurrying down the hallway.

"Awright, girls make way for Foxy Barret!"

With that, Barret strode through the open door.

"Tifa," Cloud murmured, "do you think that maybe Barret's getting a little too into this?"

"Yes," Tifa sighed, rubbing her forehead. "Yes, I do."



"Wow," Don Corneo breathed in awe. "This is a really tough choice!"

His eyes lit on Aeris.

"She's got a certain cuteness appeal, of someone really pure an innocent..."

The his gaze slid to Tifa.

"But she's got really massive hooters!" Then he turned and glared at his two henchmen. "Stop whistling the Jeopardy theme!"

"Sorry," they chorused together, and Corneo continued down the line.

"She smells really good. Really sexy. And what a dress! Purple silk...oh, yeah. And silky blonde hair...I love blondes. They have more fun, and then I do, too," he grinned, leering at Cloud, who backed away nervously.

Then his gaze swung over to Barret, and his grin widened by a foot or so.

"And her! She's a whole lotta woman!"

Barret blushed demurely and giggled.

"And I love a woman with a gun for an arm!" Corneo continued. "It's so...military sexy!"

Barret stroked his gun-arm lovingly. A good thing he had gone for that manicure and weapon smithing.

"Baby," he murmured to it, "you and I are goin' places!"

"I am very deeply disturbed by this," a whisper cut through the silence of the room.

"We all are, Cloud," Tifa replied, also whispering.

"I think it's cute," Aeris chirped.

"I don't like your new girlfriend, Cloud," Tifa whispered to him.

"She's not my girlfriend!" Cloud shouted, quite forgetting to keep his voice down.

"Girlfriend?" Corneo repeated, his ears perking up. "Ooh...that just made the choice a little harder. I like a girl who don't mind sharing."

"I'm more than enough for any man," Barret spoke up, winking.

"Well! That decides it!" Corneo announced. "You three are going to entertain my henchmen."

"Woo," Cloud said utterly unenthusiastically. "Yay us."

Corneo continued.

"Barrettina...why don't you come here and sit beside me?"

"Well..." Barret drawled, sidling over to the bed, "okay."

"There are some things I'd rather not think about," Cloud informed the girls as they left, "and this is about 98% of them. How could things get any worse?"



Meanwhile, Tifa and Aeris had been dragged down to the basement/dungeon, where they currently found themselves chained side by side to the wall.

"Kinky," Aeris commented.

However, despite the chains, and Aeris's apparent enjoyment of the chains, Tifa did not see the current situation as her biggest problem. That little hussy was after her man, and Tifa was NOT a girl who liked to share.

"Listen, Aerith," she began, casting a sideways glare at the other girl.

"It's Aeris!" Aeris shot back.

"Oh, I'm thorry, Aerith," Tifa snickered, enjoying herself hugely. "I mutht have a lithp, Aerith."

"Stop it!"

"You want me to thtop it, Aeith?"

"How would you like it if I called you Boobies?"

"Shut up!"

"I don't think so, Boobies."

"Anyway, as I was saying, Aerith," Tifa ground out, "you had better get something straight. If you even think about looking at Cloud, there's gonna be blood."

"Cloud?" Aeris echoed. "He's just my friend-boy!"

"Your...what?"

"My friend-boy!"

"Oh..."

"I was looking forward to meeting you. He talks about you constantly."

"O-oh," Tifa said articulately, blushing slightly.

And with that, both girls fell silent, possibly contemplating the fact that these chains were getting a little uncomfortable.





Five minutes later, Cloud found out exactly how things could get worse. He was locked in a room with ten men, all of whom were 'rarin' to go,' so to speak, and very possibly drunk. Or blind. Or both.

"You sure are a sweet li'l thing," one of the men told Cloud, stroking his wig gently.

"Uh...thanks."

"Why don't you come over here an' give us a kiss?"

"Uh...no thanks."

"Lis'n," one of the men spoke up sternly, "the Don's payin' you to entertain us. So dance!"

"Okay, that's enough," Cloud decided, grabbing the hem of his dress and flinging it aside.

The men in the room stared in horror. Time stood still. And in the distance, a dog barked. This dog would later prove to be Red XIII, who would informed the party that he was not actually a dog, that he was, rather, an advanced species, capable of informed conversation, and a valuable member of the party. But in the meantime, Cloud felt a draft. He glanced down to investigate the cause of this, and was horrified to learn that he had apparently forgotten to put his ordinary outfit on underneath his pretty purple dress.

"Aw, shit," he muttered.