Chapter 5 - Sometimes, At Night, Tifa Turns Into a Black Man
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"Whew!" Cloud sighed in relief as he sauntered into the cobblestone streets of the small town, followed by a weary Tifa and an annoyed Barret, desperately craving a beer. "We've finally reached Kalm! Of course," he continued in an annoyed grumble, "now we have to wait around for hours for Aeris and Red XIII to show up with those two idiots."
"Hi, guys!" a glaringly familiar voice called cheerfully from the second story window of the inn.
Tifa, Cloud, and Barret looked slowly, cringingly, up at the source of the sound.
"Hi, Yezo," Tifa called with the most forced friendliness imaginable.
"Oh, if only it had been hours," Barret whimpered.
"Hey, look at it this way," Cloud said weakly. "At least we'll be able to get on with the plot now - providing we don't have to deal with any more annoying, meandering flashbacks."
"Yeah," Tifa agreed. "Well, let's go check in."
"An' I hope this inn has more than one room an' three beds," Barret grumbled.
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"What took you guys so long to get here?" Bezo asked reproachfully.
"Yeah! We've been waiting for hours!" Aeris said seriously.
"We had a run-in with a really huge creature," Tifa sighed. "It buried Cloud. Twice."
"But we dug him up," Barret said wearily. "Sometimes I wonder why."
"Look, guys, we don't have time for this," Cloud said exasperatedly. "Let's get down to business."
"And 'business' would be.?" Tifa asked.
"Talking about Sephiroth!"
"Ugh," said Aeris, Tifa, Barret, Red XIII, and Yezo.
"Yaay!" said Bezo. "He's the coolest!"
"Anyway," Cloud continued through gritted teeth, pointedly ignoring Bezo, who was by now trying to style his bangs into two gigantic arcs at the front of his head, "what have you all heard from the townspeople?"
"We've heard that a man in black carrying a large sword passed through here," Red XIII replied, offering an inward prayer of thanksgiving to his ancestors that they seemed to have actually moved from meandering silly conversation onto something with a point.
"Yeah," Bezo agreed. "Sounds like Neo to me!"
"Really? I think it's Vicious," Yezo confided.
"Silly Yezo," Bezo said, patting her tail fondly. "Vicious doesn't have a large sword; he has a normal-sized sword!"
"But Neo doesn't have any sword!"
"Remember when he fought the agent on top of the trailer?" Bezo demanded impatiently.
"That was Morpheus," Yezo said soothingly.
Bezo blinked.
"Neo isn't Morpheus?"
"Ahem," Aeris said. "Can you talk about your friends some other time? Red, go on."
"Well, that's all, really. Oh, and he's got a choir with him. They headed east, apparently."
"Great! Well, then, tomorrow morning we head east!" Cloud said jubilantly. Then he scowled. "Damn, I hate Sephiroth. Back when I lived in Nibelheim-"
Here, Cloud was interrupted by a snicker, rather deep in pitch.
"Okay, I know that wasn't Bezo, Yezo, or Aeris."
"Or Tifa," Aeris added.
"I don't know," Cloud mused thoughtfully. "Sometimes at night, she turns into a black man. Either that," he laughed, "or, you know, I've been sleeping with...Barret...oh, God..."
"Y'know," Barret began delicately, "I wasn't gonna say anythin', but since we brought it up, I don't really enjoy it when you spoon."
"I thought you were Tifa!" Cloud exclaimed, near tears.
"Yeah, my feminine hips, my long legs, my full breasts, and my long flowin' hair down to my sweet ass tend to do that," Barret muttered sarcastically.
"Wow, Barret has no idea what he looks like," Bezo noted aside to Yezo.
She nodded, and then blinked, and then turned to him with a frown.
"Um...honey?"
"An' of course, Tifa don't have a huge $#*&$@#in' GUN on her arm!" Barret was meanwhile continuing.
"Well, okay, then!" Cloud exclaimed huffily. "From now on, I'll just sleep with Tifa!"
"Fine by me," Barret shot back. "It don't matter if Barret's the only one that don't got a woman. Barret don't need nobody in his bed...nobody, dammit!"
"Are you okay, Barret?" Tifa asked hesitantly.
"Yeah, fine," he replied, slightly weepy. "I jus' need some alone time."
"Well, we'd love to give you time, Barret," Aeris said. "But we can't, because I hear harps, and we all know what that means."
"Oh, God, not another flashback," Red XIII grumbled.
"Hey, you weren't even there for the first one," Barret protested.
"Okay, look, guys," Cloud began impatiently. "I hired all these harpists, and I'm not letting them go to waste, so shut up and let me have my Sephiroth flashback! And Bezo, quit making shiny eyes!"
"But I like Sephiroth!"
"Hmph!" Yezo hmphed, eyes beginning to fill with tears. "I remember when he liked me."
"I do like you!" Bezo protested. "You're just no Sephiroth. But then, how could you be?"
"Yeah," Yezo agreed. "First of all, I'm not a man!"
"Oh, sure," Bezo said indignantly. "Like I don't know that."
"Guys!" Cloud barked. "Sto-ry!"
"You want a story, Cloud?" Yezo said excitedly. "I could tell you about the time I saw the bunny-"
"No! This is MY story!"
"You know, I do see a resemblance," Bezo noted, looking thoughtfully at Cloud and imagining him with less spiky blonde hair and severe issues with his father.
"Shut up!" Cloud whined.
"It just got even stronger!" Bezo said.
Cloud gritted his teeth.
"What part of 'shut up' don't you understand?" he asked slowly.
"Um.up?" Yezo guessed.
"ERGH!" Cloud said articulately.
"Cloud, calm down," Tifa requested wearily. "You're going to have an aneurysm. And you're no good to us dead, or in a coma, or something."
Cloud started pacing.
"Okay," he said, glaring viciously at Yezo. "Let me ask you a rhetorical question. Supposing a rather irate person waved a gigantic sword in your face and told you to shut up and listen. What do you do?"
"Um.is there a bunny in it for me?" Yezo asked suspiciously.
"Would I get to hold the sword at any point?" Bezo asked excitedly.
"DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHAT RHETORICAL MEANS?!" Cloud bellowed.
"Cloud," Tifa called warningly. "Aneurysm."
"Although, the vein bulging out of his forehead is kinda cute," Aeris giggled.
"Would you jus' tell your damn story? You two, no more interruptions, or I'll blow your damn heads off!" Barret growled, aiming his arm at Bezo and Yezo, who dropped obediently to the floor and paid attention for all of two seconds.
"Thanks, Barret," Cloud sighed gratefully.
"Shut up, foo'! No more damn interruptions or I'll blow your damn head off!"
"Fine," Cloud said snippily. "Now. When I lived back in Nibelheim."
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"Estuans interius ira vehementi," sang the choir marching through the grassy plains after the grim, black-clad figure and his obscenely long sword. "Estuans interius ira vehementi!"
Sephiroth grit his teeth. The man three from the back had been a little flat during the last four repetitions of the song, and it was driving him madder! People had been looking oddly at them as they passed since Kalm! Obviously, they must have noticed it too, and the humiliation of a member of his choir singing off key was becoming gradually unbearable.
"Sephiroth!"
He came to a halt and turned very slowly.
"That's my name," he said, trying his hardest to take a light-hearted view of things. "Don't wear it out."
"Sephiroth!" they answered in unison.
He sighed and kept on trudging.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi."
His jaw clenched. It was a good song, and he had paid some guy - Nobby, Noboo, something like that - a lot of money to write it. And it was catchy - no mistake about that. Still, after forty-seven hours of hearing it on his travels, at mealtimes, while trying to sleep, during his showers, and while polishing Masamune, it had become a little trying.
"I don't suppose you guys know any other songs, do you?" he asked, not turning around or slowing.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi."
"That means 'no', doesn't it?"
"Sephiroth!"
"Yes," he said, quickening his pace. "That's me. How about we try 'The Sound of Silence'? Maybe you know that one. It's by Simon and Garfunkle."
"We don't know it," one young man admitted sadly before joining the rest of the choir in a resounding chord of "Sephiroth!"
"Ergh."
"Sors immanis, et inanis," his followers sang.
"Certainly seems that way to me," Sephiroth grumbled, noting aside that they seemed to be approaching the marsh. Someone in that town had mentioned a hideous, vicious snake in its depths, hadn't they? He smirked, only to have this manifestation of slight amusement melt immediately away as behind him, in ringing tones.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi."
"Yes, I am burning inside with violent anger, thank-you," he growled. "But not for the reason you might think. Or any other reason than these idiots NOT SHUTTING UP!"
"Sephiroth!"
"Thank-you for that handy visual aid," he grumbled as he reached the marsh and began to slosh through.
"Sephiroth!"
"Yeah. Thanks."
"Estuans interius ira vehementi."
"Oh, God, not again," Sephiroth said in something remarkably close to a whimper. "And that one kid is still flat, too!"
"Sephiroth!"
"Okay. That's-"
"Sephiroth!"
Something snapping in his mind, Sephiroth came to a dead halt. He turned slowly, his gaze resting on the young man three from the back.
"You, there. Come here for a minute, will you?"
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"Estuans interius ira vehementi." Bezo sang merrily, marching in time.
"Bezo?" Yezo interrupted him.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi."
"Bezo, Cloud's forehead is getting all bulgy again!" the cat-girl announced, glancing nervously at Cloud, who was storming through the grassy fields outside of the Chocobo ranch, the vein in his forehead indeed protruding most impressively.
"Sephirosu!" Bezo finished triumphantly.
At this, three gals, two guys, and a puppy-wuppy came to a halt and scratched their heads in confusion, save for the puppy-wuppy, for obvious reasons. Even Cloud took time off from his impending aneurysm to wave his hands about and demand of the skies what this idiot was going on about.
"That's how the song goes," Bezo said defensively, crossing his arms and pouting.
"Just who is this Sephirosu?" Cloud asked, putting a hand to his chin in the deepest thought he was capable of. Which wasn't terribly. "Hey, Barret, do you think he has any relation to Sephiroth?"
"Sephirosu is Sephiroth," Bezo informed him proudly.
"No, Sephiroth is Sephiroth. Now I'd like to know who Sephirosu is."
"Sephirosu is how the superior Japanese say it," Bezo said airily.
"They also say Aerith, right?" Yezo asked.
At this, Aeris' hands clenched into tight, angry fists.
"Don't. Call. Me. Aerith."
"Thorry," Tifa snickered.
"You're all mean!" Aeris declared tearfully before running away. Her stormy weeping drifted back toward the group.
"Alright," Cloud spoke up briskly. "Let'th get down to buthineth." Then he stopped and frowned. "Thorry. No! Sorry! Sorry!"
"Go on," Barret suggested pleasantly, his gun-arm aimed at Cloud's head.
"Okay," Cloud agreed nervously. "Now, the way I see it, the next thing we've gotta do is go catch a Chocobo!"
"Why?" Tifa asked.
"Well, 'cause the
Chocobo farm is right here, isn't it? That's gotta mean something!"
"Can't argue with logic," Red XIII
said dryly.
"How 'bout with what this fool's spoutin'?" Barret grumbled.
"Look, let's just get a Chocobo, okay, guys?" Tifa said wearily. "Having a Chocobo can always come in handy, can't it?"
"Yeah," Cloud agreed. "And Aeris is getting kind of far away."
"Is she still off huffing?" Bezo asked.
"No, she's just running away crying for exercise," Red XIII replied sarcastically.
"Well, I do that sometimes," Yezo said seriously. "The crying promotes better lung capacity. Although, it does scare the bunnies away."
"Let's just go, okay?" Cloud sighed, starting away.
"Estuans interius ira vehementi!" Bezo sang.
"Why me?" Cloud whimpered.
"Sephirosu!"
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