Thanks to all that have reviewed!!! I am forever in your debt. Here's the
next chapter, enjoy . . .
.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
.
Restless Constellations
A beam of moonlight reflects his disheveled hair, his small chest lifts and then slowly falls. Lorelai watches from the doorway with a smile on her face. She would be content to simply stand here for hours and watch her little boy sleep.
After a moment she makes her way back to her room. Inside Luke is already in bed reading the Stars Hollow Gazette.
"Aren't you supposed to read that in the morning?" She asks with her eyebrows raised.
Luke looks up at her and than back down, "I didn't really have time."
"Anything interesting?" She opens a drawer and takes out a pair of pajamas.
"Taylor wrote another article about banning gnomes."
"Oh yeah, I heard Babbette talking about that this morning." Lorelai laughs and pulls on the pajamas. "She was getting all red in the face, talking about starting a union for gnomes or something."
Luke snorts, "And I'm sure you'll join up."
"I've already been made secretary, although I tried to warn Babbette about my abominable hand writing." Lorelai jumps into bed and leans over Luke's shoulder. "Oh look! Fall Festivities start next week! I can't wait to make my pumpkin!" Lorelai claps her hands together giddily.
"This time just make sure you pick out an easy design. Not Audrey Hepburn's head."
"Hey! I got the huge sunglasses down."
"Yeah, that's why it ended up looking like a very sick owl."
Lorelai grins, "And no one ever knew it was supposed to be Audrey. So it all worked out for the best!"
Luke and chuckles and kisses her. He pulls away and says, "Hey, aren't those the pajamas Rory was wearing this morning?"
Lorelai looks down at the baby duck pajamas she is wearing. She smiles, "Yeah, we have matching outfits. We bought them together nearly six years ago for a slumber party."
"A slumber party?"
"Yup, there was this one Friday night we didn't have to go to my mother's house for dinner so we decided to celebrate. We watched Mel Gibson movies the whole night and drooled all over the screen. We had to wash it the next morning."
"I'm sure you did."
Lorelai leans back against the pillows. "That was the funniest sight this morning; walking into the kitchen finding you and Jess covered in coffee spit." Lorelai shakes her head, "I never have a camera when I need one. It really is a pity."
"Easy for you to say. You weren't covered in coffee."
But Lorelai isn't listening to Luke, she is staring off into space with a thoughtful expression. Luke simply returns to his newspaper and reads on.
"Is Jess still single?" Lorelai asks suddenly five minutes later.
Luke looks up, nonplussed. "Ugh, I'm not sure. It didn't sound as though he was the last time he called. But that was nearly six months ago so who knows. I've only had emails since then." Luke shrugs. "He was coming down to tell me something but hasn't yet." He flips to the next page of the newspaper.
"Oh." Lorelai says.
"What is it?" Luke stares at her.
She shrugs, "I don't know. Just seemed like they were looking at each other a lot today."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Rory certainly was." Lorelai grins wickedly and her eyes laugh.
"Huh," says Luke, already immersed in his newspaper again.
Lorelai is once again lost in a reverie when a sound below makes her jump. "Did you hear that?" She asks looking around.
"No." Luke's eyes don't even move from the paper. "Kirk's opening a hot cider stand next week." He chuckles to himself.
Lorelai narrows her eyes at him, "Ya know, if a burglar came tramping into this house you wouldn't hear a god damn thing." She shakes her head when he doesn't answer and jumps out of bed. She goes to the window and stares out into the inky darkness. She leans against a cold pane of glass cupping her hands around her eyes, and gasps.
A lone figure is walking away from the house wearing bright orange pajamas. Lorelai nearly giggles as she stumbles along in the dark. She would know those pajamas anywhere, she had bought them for her only daughter to celebrate construction day on her and Sookie's inn. Plus who could miss those entertaining words on the ass?
But what the hell was Rory doing taking a walk at midnight in bright orange pajamas?
***
I really need to listen to Luke more often and stop taking my mother's advice. Having a cup of coffee right before you go to bed does not put you to sleep.
Laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, I realize how much I am already dreading my return to New York. I didn't want to come here in the first place but now I don't want to leave. I haven't smiled so much in months. I wish I could call Kylie just to talk, but it's nearly midnight and she's probably not even home yet. Out clubbing without me. Not that I am much for clubs, I would rather stay at home with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee. Kylie calls it antisocial; I call it common sense.
I am also dreading tomorrow when I will have to see him again. And make a fool of myself again. I am already expecting it.
My feet kick out against the blanket, frustration courses through my entire body. I hate not being able to fall asleep! I sigh heavily and roll over onto my stomach. Ten years ago I would have crept up the stairs to Mom's room and fallen asleep right away to her familiar heart beat. But I am not a child anymore, and there isn't room for three.
After another twenty minutes of failed attempts in falling asleep and useless thoughts, I throw back the covers and stumble out of bed. What I need is some fresh air. I throw on my winter coat and an old pair of sneakers on my way to the window.
One of my legs is thrown over the threshold when my arms flies out and knocks over a pile of books that were thrown carelessly on my desk. I let out a mumbled curse and push myself through the rest of the window. Breathing deeply I can taste the air. It is a mixture of spices; leaves falling to the ground lifeless and scarlet, and the smell of a sharp wind mingled with a dying summer for a crackling fall.
The moment is completely ruined when I trip over a rock on the ground and stumble slightly. "Sugar," I mutter to the stillness that surrounds me. It has been ages since I've taken a midnight stroll through Stars Hollow; they used to be accompanied by either my mom or Lane, but tonight it will just be me and my thoughts.
I should have brought a book with me. The moon shines so brightly over head that I can almost believe that a man lives in its silver dusted craters, lighting his own lamp for bed time reading.
Leaves brush the top of my hair as I glide under them, my feet rustle with the dead leaves below and I feel completely free. I hug my arms closer to myself; the air is frigid, but it clears and sharpens my senses. I feel so entirely alone, yet I am content with myself, finally comfortable with my thoughts.
Tonight my thoughts are reckless. Maybe it's the shining silver moon, or the light wind pouring and pouncing through my hair, or perhaps it's the magic of the night; my mind turns to romance. I am remembering all my past beaus; the good and the bad.
Connor with his dashing looks and overly large ego; he was my first boyfriend out of high school, he lasted a whole two months. Todd was cute but way too into his studies, even more so than I was- which is saying a lot. And of course Tristan DuGrey; we went out for about three months my last year at Yale, but decided we would be better off as friends. And we still are.
The others flash through my mind with typical conversations, long boring dinners, and the 'it's just not working out' phone call. And then suddenly I smile remembering Dean's easy grin and the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw me. I wonder if he is still with Lindsay and how they are. I will have to ask Mom about them tomorrow.
My feet vibrate against the wood below me, I find myself walking across the bridge. The moon reflects across the water in bright rays of dusky silver light. It's beautiful, my breath catches in my throat and my heart beats a little faster. And now I remember Jess, our first kiss was right around here.
As I walk a little faster away from the bridge, finding its beauty somewhat overpowering, I can't figure out which category he fits in- good or bad? I always enjoyed our intelligent and fun conversations, sharing my interests with him and the way he would never laugh or raise his eyebrows. His touch. I don't think I could ever forget his touch- the way it sent sharp pinpricks up my spine and finger tips, how I would lay awake at night missing him and the way he splayed his fingers across my skin.
But my eyebrows narrow now, thinking of the way he mistreated me. Never calling, leaving me at home to wait for him, the way his jealousy over Dean was always in the way of our relationship. That one night at the party. And more than anything the way he left. I don't think any other boyfriend has captured my attention or treated me like shit more than Jess did.
I am surprised to be thinking of this, I haven't since the summer before Yale. I put it out of my mind then and never thought of it since. I guess his sudden appearance has caused me to conjure up these images and emotions once again. Not that I really care anyway, it's all in the past now. Over and done with.
I find myself in the middle of town now by the gazebo and its stillness beckons me, never have I found Stars Hollow so quiet. There are no gossipy neighbors stopping in the street to whisper rumors, no slightly pudgy men having a tantrum over a piece of food on the sidewalk; it is only me, and I like it.
My ex-boyfriends are forgotten once again as the power of the stars takes me breath away. I can finally appreciate the name of this town tonight. I crane my neck and set my eyes to the sky. They're never this bright in the city. Here I can even make out the big dipper, the small dipper and of course, the north star. I wish I knew other constellations so I could trace them with my fingers and whisper them softly to myself. But the stars are just as bright nameless.
There is a crick in my neck but I cannot take my eyes away, this is a treat never given to me in New York. Looking around first, I slowly lower myself to the ground and lay back. Much better- I feel as though I can see the entire sky from here, every last bit of it.
I put my hands beneath my head, the coffee is ebbing away from my system, and I can feel my eyes beginning to droop. I cannot fall asleep here, I really can't. I widen my eyes as to stay awake, I wish to linger here awhile longer. I imagine Kirk finding me here fast asleep in the morning, calling 9-11, performing CPR . . .Stay awake, stay awake . . . Ohh, but they feel so heavy . . .
"You can see them so much clearer from here, can't you?"
A voice from behind me sends shock waves through my nervous system, I jolt upwards into a sitting position and turn around. Jess. More shock waves travel down my arms and into my finger tips. "What . . .What are you doing here?" I ask finally finding my voice. I shiver at the after math of my nervous system. I can still feel its tremors. My eyes are wide open now.
He shrugs, looking down at me, "I couldn't sleep. Too many memories."
I smile a little, "Me too. Good or bad?"
He stares hard at me. "Mostly good."
I can't keep his gaze. I instead turn away to look back up at the stars. "Do you know any?" I ask softly.
He seems to understand because he stares up with me and says, "A few."
"Will you show them to me?" I ask keeping my gaze on the endless blue above me, I lay back down to find an even better view.
I hear him slowly settle down beside me, his head close to mine. "You can't see much without a telescope, but I can try." He reaches for my hand, I nearly jerk it back but realize that he is using it to point out the stars to me.
He moves my hand to the right and points both of our index fingers. "That is Aquarius, it is part of the Zodiac. It's very faint, but if you really look at it many people think it is a man pouring water from a bucket." Our fingers trace stars millions of years already gone.
His hands feel exactly as I thought they would, soft yet worn.
He moves my hand to a different cluster of stars, "This is Cepheus."
"Greek mythology." I whisper, still enthralled by his touch.
"Yes." He answers and moves my hand to another spot in the sky. "This is Pegasus. Do you know his story?"
An image of lightening bolts accompanies his name but nothing else. "Tell me."
"Pegasus was the daughter of Medusa but was brought to Mount Helicon. There he kicked out once with his hoof into the ground and from the ground sprung the spring of Hippocrene. It is the inspiration of poets."
His breath is so very close to me. It catches in my hair and slips down over my face and onto my lips and my own breath catches.
"Pegasus went on to become the 'Thundering Horse of Jove', he carried lightening bolts for Zeus." He moves my hand to a different spot, "Here is Sirius, the brightest star in the sky after the sun. Its name means 'scorching'."
He lowers his hand and mine to the ground between us, but does not let go. I try to ignore the feeling of his hand against mine, or the closeness of his body, or the sound of his voice soft and husky recalling legends of old, but I cannot. I am already imaging and remembering the feel of his lips against mine, his fingertips pressed into my back, and his breath fiery and short against my own.
But I reminisce the image of his back as he walks away from me. I can't let him do this to me, not again.
I sit up quickly and pull my hand away, the moment is gone and my senses have returned. I blame my momentary lack of judgement on the stars and the magic of the night. To avoid discomfort I ask, "Where did you learn all that?"
Jess places his hands beneath his head as though nothing at all had just happened between us. "Night classes at the community college in California."
"You went to college?" I ask.
"You're surprised?" He says with his eyebrows raised, his gaze bores into mine.
I hold it, "No."
"Really?" He sits up with me.
I can smell his aroma of mixed spices. "Jess I always knew you were smart. I was just waiting for you to grow up and figure it out."
He nods and now he is the one to look away first. "That's fair. You knew me better back then than I knew myself."
I am genuinely surprised at this statement. "I didn't." I say.
He shakes his head slightly, "You did."
I contemplate his statement. I knew him well of course, better than any other, but more than he did? Is that even possible? But again I think of his retreating back. "I didn't." I say again more firmly. "I never knew you." My voice is bitter with hurtful memories.
"If that's what you think."
Now I feel anger coursing through my veins. My heart pumps faster with frustration, what did he know anyway? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I never thought he would walk out on me like that, but he did.
Before I can spit out a nasty retort he says very softly, "I'm sorry."
The insult catches in my throat, and I swallow it back down. I look away from him, towards the shops of Stars Hollow which are now dark with emptiness. I've wanted to hear that for a long time now, I've deserved it. "It was a long time ago."
Jess shifts to look at me closer, "Not so long."
I pull small blades of grass from the earth. "I meant it you know." I pull out another fistful, suddenly feeling the urge to throw it in his face. "I got over you. It's not as though I hung around waiting for you to come back moping and crying."
"I know that." He says and his voice sounds strangely sad.
"It's not like you destroyed my life."
"I just wanted to tell you."
"Okay." I say, unsure of what else he wants me to tell him.
"I was a stupid kid back then, I thought I knew everything." His voice is full of frustration. "I know better now."
Now I am looking at his straight on, I need to know this one thing. "Do you regret it?"
Jess stares back at me with his familiar brown eyes, "No."
I am almost hurt by his statement. Almost.
"I finally figured out who I was in California."
"I'm glad." I say and mean it.
"Me too."
I blink my eyes suddenly realizing that I am tired, I try to stifle a yawn but Jess notices.
He stands up and offers me a hand, "Come on, I'll walk you home."
Grateful, I take his hand pull and myself off the ground. But I let go quickly and say, "That's okay, I know my way."
As though he hasn't heard a word I said he falls in step beside me. "There's shady characters in this neighborhood, I don't trust it."
I laugh, "Remember, we're in Stars Hollow now, not the city."
"I was specifically thinking of Taylor."
I grin, "I saw that he accosted you today at Luke's."
I am walking in front of him when he says, "I really like those pajamas."
I turn around to see him with the biggest grin on his face. I look down and blush, I'm wearing my bright orange ones. I say, "Well, at least I won't get hit by a car."
He shakes his head, "The color is shocking. But it's not my favorite part."
And now the color on my face deepens to a rose red when I remember what is imprinted on my bottom in black lettering, it was half the reason she bought these for me in the first place. 'Joe Mama'. "My mom." I mumble in embarrassment.
"You mean 'Joe mama'?" He asks and laughs. I laugh too.
From there we fall into a deep, easy conversation free of bitterness and old memories. When we reach my driveway I am almost sad that he must leave.
"By the way," he says as we walk towards my door whispering now, "I don't mind you 'chucking' me out."
"Oh, now I feel much better!" I say, and grin.
He laughs lightly and stops at the steps of my porch. "Here we are."
"Yes, " I say suddenly feeling like a teenager at the end of a date. "Thank you for walking me home."
"No problem." He grins, "I hope to see you again this time tomorrow night."
I smile, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I turn and walk up the front steps and am about to open the front door when his voice stops me.
"Did you really mean all of it?" He asks. His voice penetrates into my heart, it is hopeful and afraid and sadly eager.
I look around at him slowly, "Did I mean what?" I say softly, but I already understand.
"The phone call," he says almost hoarsely, "did you mean all of it?"
I stare at him, his expectant face is almost painful to look at and his eyes gaze longingly into mine. Against my better judgement, the words slip from my mouth like melted butter, "Every word."
He nods his head, blinking his eyes. "Okay." He says.
"Goodnight." I say again.
Once inside the house I shut the door softly and hear its click. With this simple click I know that I have started something with Jess that I won't be able to stop.
Sleep escapes me again when I return to bed, but it has nothing to do with coffee.
Horrible? Fantastic? Or just dull? Let me know with a review!!!!!!
.
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get
.
Restless Constellations
A beam of moonlight reflects his disheveled hair, his small chest lifts and then slowly falls. Lorelai watches from the doorway with a smile on her face. She would be content to simply stand here for hours and watch her little boy sleep.
After a moment she makes her way back to her room. Inside Luke is already in bed reading the Stars Hollow Gazette.
"Aren't you supposed to read that in the morning?" She asks with her eyebrows raised.
Luke looks up at her and than back down, "I didn't really have time."
"Anything interesting?" She opens a drawer and takes out a pair of pajamas.
"Taylor wrote another article about banning gnomes."
"Oh yeah, I heard Babbette talking about that this morning." Lorelai laughs and pulls on the pajamas. "She was getting all red in the face, talking about starting a union for gnomes or something."
Luke snorts, "And I'm sure you'll join up."
"I've already been made secretary, although I tried to warn Babbette about my abominable hand writing." Lorelai jumps into bed and leans over Luke's shoulder. "Oh look! Fall Festivities start next week! I can't wait to make my pumpkin!" Lorelai claps her hands together giddily.
"This time just make sure you pick out an easy design. Not Audrey Hepburn's head."
"Hey! I got the huge sunglasses down."
"Yeah, that's why it ended up looking like a very sick owl."
Lorelai grins, "And no one ever knew it was supposed to be Audrey. So it all worked out for the best!"
Luke and chuckles and kisses her. He pulls away and says, "Hey, aren't those the pajamas Rory was wearing this morning?"
Lorelai looks down at the baby duck pajamas she is wearing. She smiles, "Yeah, we have matching outfits. We bought them together nearly six years ago for a slumber party."
"A slumber party?"
"Yup, there was this one Friday night we didn't have to go to my mother's house for dinner so we decided to celebrate. We watched Mel Gibson movies the whole night and drooled all over the screen. We had to wash it the next morning."
"I'm sure you did."
Lorelai leans back against the pillows. "That was the funniest sight this morning; walking into the kitchen finding you and Jess covered in coffee spit." Lorelai shakes her head, "I never have a camera when I need one. It really is a pity."
"Easy for you to say. You weren't covered in coffee."
But Lorelai isn't listening to Luke, she is staring off into space with a thoughtful expression. Luke simply returns to his newspaper and reads on.
"Is Jess still single?" Lorelai asks suddenly five minutes later.
Luke looks up, nonplussed. "Ugh, I'm not sure. It didn't sound as though he was the last time he called. But that was nearly six months ago so who knows. I've only had emails since then." Luke shrugs. "He was coming down to tell me something but hasn't yet." He flips to the next page of the newspaper.
"Oh." Lorelai says.
"What is it?" Luke stares at her.
She shrugs, "I don't know. Just seemed like they were looking at each other a lot today."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Rory certainly was." Lorelai grins wickedly and her eyes laugh.
"Huh," says Luke, already immersed in his newspaper again.
Lorelai is once again lost in a reverie when a sound below makes her jump. "Did you hear that?" She asks looking around.
"No." Luke's eyes don't even move from the paper. "Kirk's opening a hot cider stand next week." He chuckles to himself.
Lorelai narrows her eyes at him, "Ya know, if a burglar came tramping into this house you wouldn't hear a god damn thing." She shakes her head when he doesn't answer and jumps out of bed. She goes to the window and stares out into the inky darkness. She leans against a cold pane of glass cupping her hands around her eyes, and gasps.
A lone figure is walking away from the house wearing bright orange pajamas. Lorelai nearly giggles as she stumbles along in the dark. She would know those pajamas anywhere, she had bought them for her only daughter to celebrate construction day on her and Sookie's inn. Plus who could miss those entertaining words on the ass?
But what the hell was Rory doing taking a walk at midnight in bright orange pajamas?
***
I really need to listen to Luke more often and stop taking my mother's advice. Having a cup of coffee right before you go to bed does not put you to sleep.
Laying in bed, staring up at the ceiling, I realize how much I am already dreading my return to New York. I didn't want to come here in the first place but now I don't want to leave. I haven't smiled so much in months. I wish I could call Kylie just to talk, but it's nearly midnight and she's probably not even home yet. Out clubbing without me. Not that I am much for clubs, I would rather stay at home with a good book and a steaming cup of coffee. Kylie calls it antisocial; I call it common sense.
I am also dreading tomorrow when I will have to see him again. And make a fool of myself again. I am already expecting it.
My feet kick out against the blanket, frustration courses through my entire body. I hate not being able to fall asleep! I sigh heavily and roll over onto my stomach. Ten years ago I would have crept up the stairs to Mom's room and fallen asleep right away to her familiar heart beat. But I am not a child anymore, and there isn't room for three.
After another twenty minutes of failed attempts in falling asleep and useless thoughts, I throw back the covers and stumble out of bed. What I need is some fresh air. I throw on my winter coat and an old pair of sneakers on my way to the window.
One of my legs is thrown over the threshold when my arms flies out and knocks over a pile of books that were thrown carelessly on my desk. I let out a mumbled curse and push myself through the rest of the window. Breathing deeply I can taste the air. It is a mixture of spices; leaves falling to the ground lifeless and scarlet, and the smell of a sharp wind mingled with a dying summer for a crackling fall.
The moment is completely ruined when I trip over a rock on the ground and stumble slightly. "Sugar," I mutter to the stillness that surrounds me. It has been ages since I've taken a midnight stroll through Stars Hollow; they used to be accompanied by either my mom or Lane, but tonight it will just be me and my thoughts.
I should have brought a book with me. The moon shines so brightly over head that I can almost believe that a man lives in its silver dusted craters, lighting his own lamp for bed time reading.
Leaves brush the top of my hair as I glide under them, my feet rustle with the dead leaves below and I feel completely free. I hug my arms closer to myself; the air is frigid, but it clears and sharpens my senses. I feel so entirely alone, yet I am content with myself, finally comfortable with my thoughts.
Tonight my thoughts are reckless. Maybe it's the shining silver moon, or the light wind pouring and pouncing through my hair, or perhaps it's the magic of the night; my mind turns to romance. I am remembering all my past beaus; the good and the bad.
Connor with his dashing looks and overly large ego; he was my first boyfriend out of high school, he lasted a whole two months. Todd was cute but way too into his studies, even more so than I was- which is saying a lot. And of course Tristan DuGrey; we went out for about three months my last year at Yale, but decided we would be better off as friends. And we still are.
The others flash through my mind with typical conversations, long boring dinners, and the 'it's just not working out' phone call. And then suddenly I smile remembering Dean's easy grin and the way his eyes lit up whenever he saw me. I wonder if he is still with Lindsay and how they are. I will have to ask Mom about them tomorrow.
My feet vibrate against the wood below me, I find myself walking across the bridge. The moon reflects across the water in bright rays of dusky silver light. It's beautiful, my breath catches in my throat and my heart beats a little faster. And now I remember Jess, our first kiss was right around here.
As I walk a little faster away from the bridge, finding its beauty somewhat overpowering, I can't figure out which category he fits in- good or bad? I always enjoyed our intelligent and fun conversations, sharing my interests with him and the way he would never laugh or raise his eyebrows. His touch. I don't think I could ever forget his touch- the way it sent sharp pinpricks up my spine and finger tips, how I would lay awake at night missing him and the way he splayed his fingers across my skin.
But my eyebrows narrow now, thinking of the way he mistreated me. Never calling, leaving me at home to wait for him, the way his jealousy over Dean was always in the way of our relationship. That one night at the party. And more than anything the way he left. I don't think any other boyfriend has captured my attention or treated me like shit more than Jess did.
I am surprised to be thinking of this, I haven't since the summer before Yale. I put it out of my mind then and never thought of it since. I guess his sudden appearance has caused me to conjure up these images and emotions once again. Not that I really care anyway, it's all in the past now. Over and done with.
I find myself in the middle of town now by the gazebo and its stillness beckons me, never have I found Stars Hollow so quiet. There are no gossipy neighbors stopping in the street to whisper rumors, no slightly pudgy men having a tantrum over a piece of food on the sidewalk; it is only me, and I like it.
My ex-boyfriends are forgotten once again as the power of the stars takes me breath away. I can finally appreciate the name of this town tonight. I crane my neck and set my eyes to the sky. They're never this bright in the city. Here I can even make out the big dipper, the small dipper and of course, the north star. I wish I knew other constellations so I could trace them with my fingers and whisper them softly to myself. But the stars are just as bright nameless.
There is a crick in my neck but I cannot take my eyes away, this is a treat never given to me in New York. Looking around first, I slowly lower myself to the ground and lay back. Much better- I feel as though I can see the entire sky from here, every last bit of it.
I put my hands beneath my head, the coffee is ebbing away from my system, and I can feel my eyes beginning to droop. I cannot fall asleep here, I really can't. I widen my eyes as to stay awake, I wish to linger here awhile longer. I imagine Kirk finding me here fast asleep in the morning, calling 9-11, performing CPR . . .Stay awake, stay awake . . . Ohh, but they feel so heavy . . .
"You can see them so much clearer from here, can't you?"
A voice from behind me sends shock waves through my nervous system, I jolt upwards into a sitting position and turn around. Jess. More shock waves travel down my arms and into my finger tips. "What . . .What are you doing here?" I ask finally finding my voice. I shiver at the after math of my nervous system. I can still feel its tremors. My eyes are wide open now.
He shrugs, looking down at me, "I couldn't sleep. Too many memories."
I smile a little, "Me too. Good or bad?"
He stares hard at me. "Mostly good."
I can't keep his gaze. I instead turn away to look back up at the stars. "Do you know any?" I ask softly.
He seems to understand because he stares up with me and says, "A few."
"Will you show them to me?" I ask keeping my gaze on the endless blue above me, I lay back down to find an even better view.
I hear him slowly settle down beside me, his head close to mine. "You can't see much without a telescope, but I can try." He reaches for my hand, I nearly jerk it back but realize that he is using it to point out the stars to me.
He moves my hand to the right and points both of our index fingers. "That is Aquarius, it is part of the Zodiac. It's very faint, but if you really look at it many people think it is a man pouring water from a bucket." Our fingers trace stars millions of years already gone.
His hands feel exactly as I thought they would, soft yet worn.
He moves my hand to a different cluster of stars, "This is Cepheus."
"Greek mythology." I whisper, still enthralled by his touch.
"Yes." He answers and moves my hand to another spot in the sky. "This is Pegasus. Do you know his story?"
An image of lightening bolts accompanies his name but nothing else. "Tell me."
"Pegasus was the daughter of Medusa but was brought to Mount Helicon. There he kicked out once with his hoof into the ground and from the ground sprung the spring of Hippocrene. It is the inspiration of poets."
His breath is so very close to me. It catches in my hair and slips down over my face and onto my lips and my own breath catches.
"Pegasus went on to become the 'Thundering Horse of Jove', he carried lightening bolts for Zeus." He moves my hand to a different spot, "Here is Sirius, the brightest star in the sky after the sun. Its name means 'scorching'."
He lowers his hand and mine to the ground between us, but does not let go. I try to ignore the feeling of his hand against mine, or the closeness of his body, or the sound of his voice soft and husky recalling legends of old, but I cannot. I am already imaging and remembering the feel of his lips against mine, his fingertips pressed into my back, and his breath fiery and short against my own.
But I reminisce the image of his back as he walks away from me. I can't let him do this to me, not again.
I sit up quickly and pull my hand away, the moment is gone and my senses have returned. I blame my momentary lack of judgement on the stars and the magic of the night. To avoid discomfort I ask, "Where did you learn all that?"
Jess places his hands beneath his head as though nothing at all had just happened between us. "Night classes at the community college in California."
"You went to college?" I ask.
"You're surprised?" He says with his eyebrows raised, his gaze bores into mine.
I hold it, "No."
"Really?" He sits up with me.
I can smell his aroma of mixed spices. "Jess I always knew you were smart. I was just waiting for you to grow up and figure it out."
He nods and now he is the one to look away first. "That's fair. You knew me better back then than I knew myself."
I am genuinely surprised at this statement. "I didn't." I say.
He shakes his head slightly, "You did."
I contemplate his statement. I knew him well of course, better than any other, but more than he did? Is that even possible? But again I think of his retreating back. "I didn't." I say again more firmly. "I never knew you." My voice is bitter with hurtful memories.
"If that's what you think."
Now I feel anger coursing through my veins. My heart pumps faster with frustration, what did he know anyway? Nothing. Absolutely nothing at all. I never thought he would walk out on me like that, but he did.
Before I can spit out a nasty retort he says very softly, "I'm sorry."
The insult catches in my throat, and I swallow it back down. I look away from him, towards the shops of Stars Hollow which are now dark with emptiness. I've wanted to hear that for a long time now, I've deserved it. "It was a long time ago."
Jess shifts to look at me closer, "Not so long."
I pull small blades of grass from the earth. "I meant it you know." I pull out another fistful, suddenly feeling the urge to throw it in his face. "I got over you. It's not as though I hung around waiting for you to come back moping and crying."
"I know that." He says and his voice sounds strangely sad.
"It's not like you destroyed my life."
"I just wanted to tell you."
"Okay." I say, unsure of what else he wants me to tell him.
"I was a stupid kid back then, I thought I knew everything." His voice is full of frustration. "I know better now."
Now I am looking at his straight on, I need to know this one thing. "Do you regret it?"
Jess stares back at me with his familiar brown eyes, "No."
I am almost hurt by his statement. Almost.
"I finally figured out who I was in California."
"I'm glad." I say and mean it.
"Me too."
I blink my eyes suddenly realizing that I am tired, I try to stifle a yawn but Jess notices.
He stands up and offers me a hand, "Come on, I'll walk you home."
Grateful, I take his hand pull and myself off the ground. But I let go quickly and say, "That's okay, I know my way."
As though he hasn't heard a word I said he falls in step beside me. "There's shady characters in this neighborhood, I don't trust it."
I laugh, "Remember, we're in Stars Hollow now, not the city."
"I was specifically thinking of Taylor."
I grin, "I saw that he accosted you today at Luke's."
I am walking in front of him when he says, "I really like those pajamas."
I turn around to see him with the biggest grin on his face. I look down and blush, I'm wearing my bright orange ones. I say, "Well, at least I won't get hit by a car."
He shakes his head, "The color is shocking. But it's not my favorite part."
And now the color on my face deepens to a rose red when I remember what is imprinted on my bottom in black lettering, it was half the reason she bought these for me in the first place. 'Joe Mama'. "My mom." I mumble in embarrassment.
"You mean 'Joe mama'?" He asks and laughs. I laugh too.
From there we fall into a deep, easy conversation free of bitterness and old memories. When we reach my driveway I am almost sad that he must leave.
"By the way," he says as we walk towards my door whispering now, "I don't mind you 'chucking' me out."
"Oh, now I feel much better!" I say, and grin.
He laughs lightly and stops at the steps of my porch. "Here we are."
"Yes, " I say suddenly feeling like a teenager at the end of a date. "Thank you for walking me home."
"No problem." He grins, "I hope to see you again this time tomorrow night."
I smile, "Goodnight."
"Goodnight."
I turn and walk up the front steps and am about to open the front door when his voice stops me.
"Did you really mean all of it?" He asks. His voice penetrates into my heart, it is hopeful and afraid and sadly eager.
I look around at him slowly, "Did I mean what?" I say softly, but I already understand.
"The phone call," he says almost hoarsely, "did you mean all of it?"
I stare at him, his expectant face is almost painful to look at and his eyes gaze longingly into mine. Against my better judgement, the words slip from my mouth like melted butter, "Every word."
He nods his head, blinking his eyes. "Okay." He says.
"Goodnight." I say again.
Once inside the house I shut the door softly and hear its click. With this simple click I know that I have started something with Jess that I won't be able to stop.
Sleep escapes me again when I return to bed, but it has nothing to do with coffee.
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