AN: Hey, back with a new chapter!!! Thank you again to all of the great reviews!! They have been so uplifting. And thank you to whoever nominated Pretty Baby and Desperado for the Literati Fanfiction Awards. That felt great, so thank you again. I hope you enjoy this next chapter……
Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
A Grain of Happiness
The kitchen is quiet tonight. Pans are laid on the stove more lightly, hushed voices are used, two boys have been told to keep quiet and the microwave is opened before the timer can go off.
Jess immediately notices this when he enters the house.
Tyler doesn't shout his normal "hi!" when he sees him, but squeaks it in an inside voice, and Mathew merely grins. The T.V isn't blasting. Upon seeing all this Jess wonders if the world has been turned upside down.
Luke is in the kitchen adding more spices to the tomato sauce cooking on the stove. "Hey Jess," he says when he turns around to see his nephew.
"Where is everybody? Why is it so quiet?" Jess asks, but what he's really wondering is 'Where's Rory?'
Luke seems to understand this because he says, "Rory is sleeping."
"And I thought it was six."
"I don't think she slept at all last night."
Jess takes a seat, "That would explain the silence."
Luke nods, "Plus Lorelai's working tonight."
"Ahh, yes. That makes sense."
"Do you know how long I was in love with Lorelai before I finally told her?"
"Ugh . . ." the question has taken Jess by complete surprise. He raises his eyebrows and smirks, "Probably a very long time?"
"Since the day I met her and she refused to step outside to drink her coffee while talking on her cell phone." Luke mixes the sauce and then takes a small taste on his long wooden spoon.
"Spaghetti tonight?" Jess asks, and when Luke nods he says, "So what is this about?"
"It was a long time before I admitted it to myself, and then even longer before I told her." Luke opens a bag of long thin noodles and lets them slide out into a pot of boiling water. "When I finally did tell her it was almost too late." He pauses and looks straight at Jess, "Other people aren't so lucky." His glance flickers to the door behind Jess and then back to him again.
Jess knows what's coming and he doesn't like it. "What are you saying?"
"Don't be a dumb ass."
Jess lowers his voice, "I know what I'm doing Luke."
Luke shrugs, "Okay."
"I don't need anymore long term relationships."
"Fine with me."
"They only turn out badly."
"If that's what you think."
"Yeah, that is what I think." Jess has already fisted his hand and his eyes are angry.
"My marriage is going great, and Sookie and Jackson are still together."
"You guys also live in Stars Hollow."
"We're the same as anyone else."
"Luke you don't have to lecture me. I'm not seventeen anymore." But Jess feels seventeen. He is already regretting what he said to Rory and is already yearning to see her once again.
"I'm just giving you some friendly advice, you can take it or not."
"Thanks for the help but I'm okay."
"That's what I wanted to hear." Luke turns back to the stove and to his cooking leaving Jess alone with his thoughts.
Being alone with his thoughts at a time like this is not what Jess wants. He came here for conversation so he wouldn't have to think about what happened today and if it was a mistake. Lately he had been thinking that instead of speaking he should have gone with his gut instinct of kissing Rory senseless. But than sometimes he'll think of Sidda and know he made the right decision.
Now Jess goes even deeper into his thoughts, and wonders if he should have kissed her. He wonders if that kiss would eventually turn to love. Or maybe it already is. Or maybe he's going insane!
He thought Rory still hated him. Hadn't he left her without even the courtesy of a nasty break up? Everyone needs closure and he didn't give her any. But she was still kind enough to give him the closure he needed. After that phone call he had never called her again. He hadn't the need to.
He suddenly realizes that he has been doing the exact same thing as Sidda, except she has never spoken to him through the silence.
Jess suddenly sits up very quickly in his chair and his hand gropes inside his pocket until he finds what he's looking for. "Luke, I'll be right back."
By the times he is outside his hands are shaking. His nerves are ragged and fusing, he doesn't want to do this but he knows that he has to. If he looked up he could make out every constellation he ever learned, but he doesn't look up or even think of stars because he's too fixed upon what he's about to do.
The cell phone is warm and hard in the palm of his hand, his fingers know the number by heart, he doesn't even have to think. He puts the phone up to his ear and waits.
"Hello…" Her warm vanilla voice reaches his ear and nearly makes him jump.
"Sidda? It's Jess-"
But he's cut off my her continuing voice, "It's Sidda. Please leave a message and I'll call you back. Bye!"
Jess mumbles a curse and waits for the beep. When it comes he says, "Hey Sidda. . .it's Jess, ugh I know it's weird that I'm calling you but . . .well, I really just wanted to talk to you, if even only for a minute. Anyway, if you could call be back on my cell phone that would be great. My, ugh, number is still the same. Well, thanks, and . . . bye." God he's a loser, real nice message.
He pockets his phone, waits until his nerves have calmed and returns to the house where he finds a man serving spaghetti, two boys already covered in sauce, and a very sleepy girl trying desperately to stay awake and avert her eyes from what she yearns to have.
***
The atmosphere around the dinner table is unusually uncomfortable, even the boys have begun to notice that their laughs die off without being joined.
Maybe it's because Rory refuses to even look Jess' way or speak to him. She is already regretting awaking from her slumber, but it's hard to sleep when she can smell dinner cooking right outside her door, especially when she's only had coffee and ice-cream all day.
Or maybe it's because at every noise Jess jumps thinking it's his cell phone ringing in his pocket. He can't help but think of Sidda's voice through the telephone and what he is going to say to her. Whatever he says he knows he'll probably end up sounding like a fool and that makes him even more agitated. He's so preoccupied that he hasn't noticed that Rory is ignoring him or Luke's dirty looks.
It could be because Luke is so upset with his nephew that he's having trouble talking. How could he be such a bastard to Rory? He hurt her six years ago and now he's doing it all over again. Maybe Venice Beach hadn't changed him, Luke guesses his guidance hadn't helped much either and that makes it even worse. It makes him even angrier. He has the sudden urge to punch Jess in the face but resists.
The only sounds that can be heard now are Tyler and Mathew speaking twin gibberish to each other and the soft scrape of silver ware against the plates.
It finally happens. Luke looks around to the phone hanging on the wall in confusion, Rory stares at Jess' pocket and Jess nearly chokes on a noodle.
In a second the cell phone is out of his pocket and glued to his ear. "Yeah?" He says into the phone, his brow is strained.
Everyone is staring at him now while Jess lowers his fork to his plate and says, "Sidda."
Rory quickly looks away and twirls noodles around her fork, but she is no longer hungry. Luke has a very nasty look on his face and probably would have punched Jess in the face, but his nephew has already left his seat and is out the door.
No one at the table thought that the atmosphere around them could be any more uncomfortable, but with Luke scowling, Rory holding back her tears and the twins quiet, it just has.
Meanwhile outside, Jess is running a hand through his hair and speaking in an urgent voice.
"Sidda, listen I know it's been nearly six months but I just needed to talk to you."
There is a sigh through the phone and a voice answers, "You do realize Jess that talking to you isn't exactly easy for me?"
"Yes." He answers almost breathlessly.
"Okay." She says and nothing else.
After a moment of intense silence Jess finally has the courage to say, "Why did you leave me?"
"We've been through this." She sounds somewhat annoyed.
"I know that, but I still don't understand because if you don't make me I'm never going to get over you." Jess says it and is glad he finally has. It's not easy to admit aloud that a person is holding you back from your future.
"You didn't love me Jess." Sidda says and there is still a trace of pain in her voice.
"But I did." Jess says and than pauses, "I thought I did."
"I know you thought you did Jess," Sidda says in a soothing sort of voice. "But you always doubted yourself. You were never sure. Every time you told me you hesitated."
Jess is silent because he is remembering how easy it was for Sidda to say those three words while sometimes he had to force his.
"That's not how love goes Jess. You don't have to think about it, you just know."
"Okay." Jess says in a scratchy voice.
"Are you alright?"
"Yeah, I am."
"Okay, well I think I should go now." Sidda says in a sad voice. She seems to know this is the last time she'll ever speak with him. But with that sadness comes relief and freedom.
"Yeah, I guess you should."
"Bye Jess."
"Bye Sidda . . .and thank you."
Without waiting for the dial tone, Jess snaps his cell phone shut and turns his head to the sky. He reads every constellation as he would a book and feels a sense of calmness come over him. His heart is beating and his head is clear. He feels just fine. He should have made that phone call a long time ago.
After a few minutes Jess returns to the house to find only three people sitting at the table eating spaghetti and he immediately asks, "Where did she go?"
***
My whole body is hurting and I don't understand why. Maybe it is because once I think I've found happiness it slips through my fingers like sand before I get the chance to hold tightly. Every time I lose a grain of happiness it hurts. And tonight is the tip of the iceberg.
Why did I let myself do this? I am so naïve and stupid! To think that he had actually changed! Why do I let myself get into these things?
For just a few minutes I had held happiness in the palm of my hand and thought perhaps that some of it was love.
But those thoughts soon died at his words and the look on his face when he spoke them in a small room above a diner. It was a mistake, just a stupid mistake!
And I had let myself cry over him! I had actually cried! I haven't cried over a man in nearly six years! My heart nearly stops as I realize that the last boy I had cried over was Jess.
That rat bastard.
Sidda is probably another one of his many girlfriends that he kisses randomly all the time and than tells them it was a mistake. Or maybe he sleeps with them first, maybe he just didn't find me desirable enough. This thought hurts me even more.
I'm in the middle of town walking swiftly past the few people who are still out this late decorating for Fall Festivities which start in a few days. I pass by Kirk who is painting a sign that says 'Hot Cider' so far, and by Taylor who is directing the hanging of Chinese lanterns splayed with leaves. I feel so separate from them, I wish to put more space between them and myself, so when I spot the bench hidden by tress I make a dash for it.
The bench feels hard and cold against my back. I used to sit here waiting for my bus to Chilton. Jess would meet me here every once in a great while, but more often it was Dean before we broke up.
That rat bastard.
I am cursing him over and over again to keep myself from bursting into tears. I can't understand why no one wants me. It's usually me who breaks up with the boy, but that's because there's never any sparks, they don't feel anything for me- they don't want me.
And when I finally find a man who makes my finger tips tingle, and sends shock waves through my nervous system, and creates enough sparks to kindle a fire he calls the kiss we share a mistake. This is why I feel like crying and I finally do.
I'm like a leaky faucet and I am ashamed. This isn't like me! Why am I letting him affect me so? I am still wanting to kiss him and cursing him for it.
Who is Sidda?!!!!!
I think of the way blueberries hang off their sinewy branches like Christmas bulbs; the sharp, cool pulp that explodes in your mouth. I think of hot bare feet on pavement with a sweet sticky pink lollypop in your mouth, and the distinct popping sound it makes when you pull it out. I think of spices so strong that they tingle your taste buds at the very smell. I think of the way he looks at me and his hands on my back, it simply makes me cry more.
After a few moments of pushing away my tears and taking deep breaths I lay back on the bench to stare up at the sky. I do not look to the stars for fear of tears, instead I concentrate on the moon and remember a song that my mother would sing to me on late nights when all I knew was her love.
I begin to hum the melody because I cannot remember the words and it comforts me. His face fades away to be replaced by my mothers and the way her lips moved when she sang and how her eyes are always filled with laughter.
"Do you really believe in the man on the moon?"
I gasp and scramble into a sitting position, my nervous system is going haywire. I don't have to turn around to see who it is. The rat bastard. "You scared me!" I put a hand to my chest and feel my heart beating wildly inside it. Is that fear? "Must you always sneak up on me?!"
"I'm sorry," he says and sits down on the bench to face me.
I don't respond but instead look behind him at the trees casting eerie shadows on the ground. I can still hear murmurs of Taylor's bossy voice and the sound of a hammer and nail. Why is he here? I have the sudden urge to cry again. I also have the sudden urge to punch him in the face. But I do neither.
"I've been looking all over for you." He says trying to make me look at him, but it doesn't work.
"Good for you." There are still some people at the diner and I suddenly wish them over here to lose myself in the crowd. My fingers ball themselves into fists by their own accord. I would really love to punch him.
"Look at me Rory."
But I don't. I am afraid that if I do I will punch him directly in the mouth. More than that though, I am afraid that if I look into his eyes I will see rejection. I can't handle that.
"Rory, please look at me. I need you to look at me." His voice sounds urgent and compelling.
I feel his hands on my face and I flinch but he does not remove them. Instead he cups my cheeks and turns my head slowly until I am looking straight into his eyes. I search for the rejection, but find none. I am already drowning, and my fingers have fallen from their fist. My palms face the sky, open and waiting.
His hands linger on my face as he says, "This morning Rory, I didn't mean what I said. I don't know why I said it, I was stupid and . . .and well, I didn't mean it all."
How can I believe him? "You didn't?" I ask softly and then feel angry with myself for already giving in.
"Not one word." And he leans into me until his lips are inches from mine. "I've been thinking about that kiss for the past two days." He uses my words to seduce me.
I can already taste him in my mouth as he comes closer, but than I think of the phone call and the way he backed away from me and the look in his eyes when he did.
I put a hand on his chest to push him away, "Who's Sidda?"
He is surprised, a look of pain crosses his face so evident that it makes me wince. He sighs and leans back against the bench, "I was engaged to her."
"Oh," I say looking away. My cheeks are cold without his warm touch.
"I hadn't spoken to her in six months when she called tonight."
Is that supposed to make me feel better? "Oh," I say again.
"She gave the ring back to me because she said I didn't love her, but I thought I did. I really did." He stares transfixed at a tree in another world recalling the past. "I couldn't understand it. How could I know if I truly loved her if I didn't even know what it feels like?" Here his voice breaks off and he runs a hand though his hair.
Pity washes over me and I realize that there's so much to Jess that I don't know and wish to find out. I lean closer to his overwhelming presence.
"I called her tonight because I was so confused about you. I needed to speak with her, find out what I did wrong. But she told me the exact same thing but this time I finally got it."
"You did?" I ask.
He looks straight into my eyes and says, "Yes."
I can see him wandering to my lips, his pupils are dilating, but before he can do anything I say, "You hurt me."
His gaze returns to my eyes, they are soft and beautiful. They answer the question for me.
"I just wanted you to understand."
"I do," he says. He places a hand on my cheek and makes soft circles with his thumb. I can feel the desire between us already.
He leans in and this time I don't push him away. His hands slide through my hair as our lips meet, and I feel the contours of his back. I can taste blueberries, and candy, and spices all at once as before, but this time I can also see the night sky above us and we are soaring through every constellation.
By the time I pull away I am rubbing my fingers against his back. The navy sky is tangled in my hair and I can see a star caught in the corner of his eye.
He is still breathing heavily, his forehead against mine, when he asks, "Do your finger tips tingle when we're close?"
I smile to realize why he finally understood his past and kiss him again.
It's nice to belong.
AN: Did you like it or hate it? Let me know with a review!!!
I wanted to share my excitement with everyone about this Tuesday. I can't believe Jess is returning! This season hasn't exactly been that interesting for me, I am hoping that Jess will spice things up a little. Anyway, please review!!!!!!!!
