Howdy! Yeah...been a while huh? I mean, cobwebs are growing on this piece of shit that I have the nerve to call "fan fiction". Anyway, malfoyelf has been on my case to update this damn thing, so here I am...updating...and how long has it been? More than a week...that's for sure...probably.

So yeah...here is the probably final piece to the incredible story of pizza...ahh who am I kidding. Y'all have forsaken me...thought this day would never come...that this story was done...over...and you all made up your own endings to that gripping cliff hanger I left for you...

Was it a cliffy? I refuse to go back and read it so I will just guess what I was rambling on about. Here we go.

Here's a disclaimer thing: If y'all don't like cussing, or y'all like your intelligence...then I suggest you leave cause this story may be offensive...or may be just stupid...but if you are willing to drop your IQ down ten points...then have a fun time reading! ^_^

The secret lair of Voldemort. Pretty scary, Hermione thought as she looked around the holding cell.

"Flower print?" Ron gasped as he was thrown roughly into the prison cell. "Fluffy carpet? You have GOT to be kidding me!"

"Um...I thought it looked nice...," Lucius Malfoy said.

"YOU picked this?" Hermione asked, completely baffled. "No fucking way."

"Um...actually I..." he began, his eyes lingering on the sparkly fluffy carpet.

"BUT YOU ARE A MALFOY!" Ron said, mocking the great Lucius Malfoy.

"HEY! SHUT UP!"

"YOU PICKED PINK!"

"LIGHTISH RED!"

"STOP QUOTING 'RED VS BLUE!'" Hermione shouted.

Lucius and Ron stared at her blankly for a moment and then sighed, nodding in agreement. Lucius glared at the red head and then left. Ron glared at the door for a while until Hermione told him the Malfoy had left.

"So...erm...now what?" Ron asked. Hermione ignored him and was staring at something across the room.

"What the fuck is that?" Ron asked.

"Computer!" Hermione squealed. Ron cocked his head and stared.

"Looks like a box..." Ron said.

"Nah-ah! It could be the key to our survival!" Hermione said.

"Ok...so turn it on..." Ron snapped. Hermione started looking on the monitor and the computer, and it seemed to be taking a long time.

"Oh come on, genius!" Ron said. "You lived in the muggle world...you should know how to use a muggle...erm...thingy!"

"Wow...you almost made an intelligent sentence..." she said, shaking her head. "You know Ron...most of the readers think I am a perfect student...but there was one class I failed..."

Ron gasped.

There was a dramatic drum roll...then it stopped and all was silent. "It was computers..." she said softly. Ron fell to the ground and shouted "NOOOO!"

"Yeah...I know...it ruined my GPA..." she sighed. Ron glared. "Not that you fool! We can't leave this pink prison of hell!"

"Hey...I like pink!" Hermione stated.

"Well...you're a girl...I'm a guy...therefore I can't like pink..."

"That's sexist..." she said, her eyes narrowing.

"Um...yeah..." Ron said.

"You suck..." she said, turning around and trying to make the computer do something.

Harry walked around aimlessly outside Hogwarts when he stumbled upon...

"OH MY GOD!" he shouted. "What the fuck?" He picked up the flashlight and stared. "How pointless...this damned author won't let me find anything useful!" he snapped. "What good is a flashlight that won't work on the castle grounds?"

"Maybe it's a clue..." the author suggested.

"To what? Does it look like I am playing Sherlock Holmes?"

"Not really...do you want to? I could help you out there and give you a hat, a pipe and a magnifying glass..."

"Look! I am wondering around the grounds! That means I am trying to avoid doing anything...meaning I want to sit in a cozy abyss of nothingness and...do nothing! Got it!?"

"Um...look over there..."

"No"

"Hey...I am the author! Right now...I am god! When I say look over there, you look over there!"

"So much for nothingness..." Harry said and he turned his head to look over there.

And he saw Hermione's copy of "Hogwarts, a History" lying on the ground.

"Holy shit!"

"I know!"

"Hey! Who said you could insert yourself into the story..." Harry asked.

"Oh...right...I was just leaving..." the author said.

Harry rushed over to the book and then clenched his fist. "How dare she defile such a noble history of our school..." But wait! Maybe she didn't mean to...what if something happened to her. And Ron?...no...just her...Ron is unimportant. Maybe she was kidnapped...or more likely, the book learned how to fly and took them to Iran.

Harry ran to the school to get help...but he was stopped...stopped by Draco Malfoy.

"Howdy Potter..." he smirked.

"Since when was this a western! Don't change the stupid genre! It's bad enough that there isn't a plot! Take away the genre and this becomes the worst piece of shit ever written!"

"You forget Hillary Clinton's book..." Draco mentioned.

"Oh right...my bad. The second worst piece of shit ever written! Anyway, what the heck are you doing out here so late?"

"I'm looking for my flashlight!" Draco stated happily.

"Um...why the fuck do you have a flashlight?" Harry asked.

"Good question!"

"Right..."

"Anyway...um...your friends were kidnapped...by..."

"Let me guess...Voldemort..." Harry sighed.

Draco gasped, with a sincere shock. "How on earth did you...?"

"Who else would bother? You're a Death eater...tell me what he wants..." Harry said.

"That's what I am here for...he wants the phone book..." Draco said.

"Um...can't he just buy one from the Phone Company or go on line?" Harry asked.

"Stop putting holes in the plot!" Draco snapped.

"What plot?" Harry asked.

"Um..."

"Right...so he wants the phone book..." Harry said, leaning against the wall. "Why?"

"Um...to make a call? How the hell should I know? Look...why not go over there and give him the damned book and get your friends back? What? You reading it? I mean...it's not that interesting! It has less of a plot than this..."

"ENOUGH OF THE PLOT JOKES! I GET IT! I SUCK! I'LL WRITE A SERIOUS STORY LATER WHERE THE IS LOVE, ANGST, DEATH, BLOOD and PLOT!"

"Wow...the author is seriously depressed..." Draco commented.

"No kidding..." Harry said. "Well...I guess I am off..."

"Have a good time!" Draco called.

Harry turned and looked at him with utter disgust before entering the Forbidden Forest.

Hermione found the on button.

"YAY!" Ron shouted. Then, he stared at her... "Now what?"

"Now we...erm...go online and e-mail Dumbledore..."

"Oh right...like he has a computer..." Ron said, rolling his eyes.

"Ok...looks like Malfoy has AOL...I guess we sign on..." Hermione said, clicking the AOL button. The screen name popped up and she gasped.

"Lucius Malfoy is Luscious_Malfoy?" she said with complete shock. Ron entered a giggle fit and collapsed on the floor. Hermione blinked and stared at the screen. "Wow..." she said.

"No shit!" Ron said.

"Well...let's just sign on..." Hermione said, trying to put on a straight face. She clicked the sign on button and instantly, she was bombarded by IM's from both men and women wanting...erm...interesting services. After five minutes, she found an away message and put it up.

"Ok...now to find email..." Hermione started when the door opened.

"Voldemort will see you now..."

"Um...Hermione is busy so I'll go..." Ron said.

The Death Eater's stared at him, confused, but then nodded and dragged the redhead out of the room. Hermione didn't care and then went to the email.

Voldemort sat on a black throne. He smirked a lipless smirk as Ron entered.

Ron laid eyes on the hideous Dark Lord for the first time. "EWWWWWWW! GROSS! Get it a way! Get it a way!"

Voldemort narrowed his eyes as Ron squirmed at disgust at his appearance. "SHUT UP!"

Ron shut up and stared at the evilness of the Dark Lord. "Um...you are really ugly..."

"I know..." Voldemort sighed... "I tried Rogaine and everything...didn't work..."

"Hair would help...but I think the whole Michael Jackson look makes you look creepy and like a pedophile."

"Yah think!?"

"Totally!" Ron shouted .

"Kid...you are honest...stupid...but honest...people could call your stupidity bravery...but I can see you for what you are...a big, useless idiot. But hey, that's ok. All my minions are that way, so you would fit right in..."

"That's nice, but I'm not into tattoos..." Ron said.

"Rrrrrrrrrrrrrright...." Voldemort said. This kid was a big idiot. Oh well...just keep the lame ass talking and maybe he would say something useful.

"So..boy...do you know anything...important?" he asked smoothly.

"Erm...yes! I know the George W. Bush...y'know...the American President man...he found Weapons of Mass Destruction, Osama Bin Ladin and Jesus in one shot...and they were all on the moon!"

Voldemort stared for a moment and then asked what everyone is thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about? Osama is in the Middle East, Sadam had the WMD's and Jesus is in heaven!"

"Nah-ah..." Ron said defiantly. "You people sometimes forget that I am all knowing!"

"What drugs are you on, kid?" Voldemort asked, rubbing his forehead. This kid is the dumbest thing since Wormtail.

"Um...none that I know of...? Do you have any?" Ron asked.

"Um...no..."

Harry exited the Forbidden Forest in five minutes because I am the author and I deemed it so! Yay! I am helpful!

"Don't go and get cocky..." Harry muttered as he continued walking.

Want me to take you to the base?

"Sure..." Harry said.

Say it...

"No."

Say it...or I will send you to the moon...I heard Osama, Jesus and WMD's are there...

"Never..."

Fine, then you are so going to the moon...you'll die up there...

"FINE! VI1 IS THE GREATEST AUTHOR EVER AND HAS NICE HAIR!" Harry screamed.

Thank you! Suddenly, Harry was standing outside the ever so secret base of Voldemort.

"Guarded by a white picket fence..." Harry commented. "How lame..."

Harry stepped through the gate and then went up to the door.

"Hey author man...will you make me immortal?" Harry asked.

Not a chance.

"Damn! Oh well...it was worth a shot..." Harry said and then entered the base.

No one noticed.

Hermione found Dumbledore's email on Malfoy's buddy list.

"Oh my fucking god..." she said.

"BumblyDumbly" she said. "That is his sn...how sad..."

She started typing...

Hey you! We were kidnapped and need some help!

She clicked send.

An IM just popped up and it was from BumblyDumbly.

Hey...you could just IM...e-mail is slow...where are you?

Umm...I am in Voldie's place...find me and save me!

Working on it...

Work faster...

Oh...I think Harry is going to save you

Oh...cool...so I chill here for a while...

Yup

K

C'ya in class...

^_^

Hermione leaned back and sighed...Harry would save her...yay!

Dumbledore leaned back...he wondered who he was talking to. It didn't sound like Lucius...

Harry saw Voldemort. And Voldemort saw him.

"Hello Potter..." he said.

"Hey...um...can I have my friends back?" Harry asked.

"Roll a bluff check..." Voldemort said. Harry sighed and pulled out D&D dice and rolled. He got a Critical Failure. "oh...guess not..." Voldemort said.

"DAMN YOU DICE!" he screamed and the threw them into the random lava pit. He noticed that Ron and Hermione were hanging upside down from a rope above it.

"HI HARRY!" Ron shouted and beamed at him.

"Um...hi..." Harry said. "What are you doing?"

"Hanging out..." Hermione said, trying to be clever.

"Wow...that was the corniest line so far..." Harry said.

"I have to agree..." Voldemort said. Hermione frowned and looked away.

"So...Harry...make a choice...do you want your friends to die...or will you give me that book...?" Voldemort asked.

"Um...give you the book..." Harry said, throwing the book on the ground and stepping on it.

"That's it?"

"Um yeah....I don't want it..." Harry shrugged.

"You won't fight me on this?" Voldemort asked, confused.

"Nope..."

"Humor me?"

"Nope..."

"Please?"

"No...now let them go..." Harry said.

"Um...give me the book..."

"Fine...but let them down first..." Harry said.

Voldemort was clearly mad. He spent a whole five minutes on that plan and now Harry wouldn't even follow it! How dare he!

"Humor me and I'll give you a cookie..." Voldemort said.

Harry opened his mouth to say no, but then thought...I like cookies.

"What kind?" Harry asked.

"Whatever you like..." Voldemort said.

"WEEEEEEEEE!" Ron said as he started swinging back and forth on the rope. Hermione screamed in fear.

"Remind me...why am I saving them?" Harry asked.

"Cause you are the good guy and that's what good guys do..."

"Oh..." Harry said. "Well...give me a sugar cookie...and I'll give you the book, but I'll fight you a bit with stunning dialect just so you can get your kicks and then you will let them go..."

"Ok..." Voldemort said. He grabbed a sugar cookie that just so happened to be poisoned and threw it to Harry.

"Hey!" Ron shouted. "Cookie...!" He swung over and caught the cookie in his mouth. "MMm....sugar!"

"DAMN! THAT WAS THE LAST POISONED SUGAR COOKIE WE HAD! WORMTAIL! GO GET MORE!"

"Yes...master..." he said as he left for the store.

"HEY! POISONED?"

"Um...duh! I hate you and want you to die...slowly..." Voldemort said.

"Oh...yeah.... I kinda forgot..." Harry said.

"But ha ha! Now your friend shall die! You are responsible! How do you feel!? Cry, mourn! You are responsible for another death!"

"Meh..." Harry shrugged.

"What? Meh? All you say is Meh?"

"Um...yeah..." Harry said. "You know...he'll probably come back to life..."

"Hey! I'm not dead!"

"You will be! Feel the pain!"

"I feel happy! I feel Happy!"

"stop with the Monty Python thing!" Hermione screeched.

"But in all seriousness...I feel fine..." Ron said.

"Damn..." Voldemort said. "Give me the phone book and I'll give you your posse back..."

"Coolio!" Harry said.

Voldemort freed his captives and Harry tossed him the phone book! Voldemort hugged it and dashed off to go order a pizza.

"Hey, author man! Can you take us to Hogwarts?" Harry asked.

I guess...jeez...what do I look like, a bus?

"Maybe...just get us there!" Hermione said.

They ended up at Hogwarts and all was well. Somehow, Draco got his flash light to work and shined it in their eyes, which was terribly annoying, but they pretended he didn't exist and went to the Tower.

"Thanks for saving us..." Hermione said.

"You're welcome..." Harry said. "It's not like I had anything better to do."

"I want more cookies..." Ron pouted.

"Maybe we can find a working poisoned cookie..." Harry suggested.

"I'll go to the kitchen with you..." Hermione said. "hey Ron, go back to the Common Room and we'll bring you some..."

"Yay!" he said and dashed up the stairs.

Meanwhile...

The doorbell rang and the pizza guy was there. All was in order...Voldemort received his pizza! His source of power!

Dun dun dun!

Is it over? Most likely...all things considered...I mean...I didn't even want to write this one...so it is unlikely that another one shall rear it's ugly head.

So that's it...my story is complete...and as promised...I'll be trying to do a serious one...

Or at least one with a plot...maybe....

Or maybe I will break my word...

Speaking of pizza...I am eating that now...cept this pizza is all gross...so sad...I hope Voldemort's is ok, otherwise he may end up going on a rampage to destroy the pizza industry...

Hehe...I like destroying things!

The moral of the story is...

Bombs go Boom! *that was for the Chibi and the MalfoyElf...and maybe the I_Love_Oprah_Harry...*