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Chapter 20.  To Have and to Hold

The night following the nearly fatal incident in the Senate Chamber Padmé awoke in terror out of a deep sleep to find a dark shape looming over her. Instinctively she tried to scream, but was silenced by a gloved hand. It was only when the dark figure leaned over her and whispered her name that she realized it was Anakin. She didn't expect him; he had gone back to the Temple for the night. She sat up quickly to try to shake off her confusion, and saw him gazing at the small body that was curled up next to her in bed.

"She had a nightmare," Padmé whispered, "and crawled in here with me. I can try to move her back to her own bed."

"No," said Anakin softly, reaching out with the Force to the sleeping child. "She feels safe and comfortable now. Don't disturb her." He understood about seeking shelter. It was the reason that he was here, too.

"I just… I just had to see you." He sounded forlorn.

"Come with me," Padmé said softly, climbing carefully out of bed so as not to wake Balé and taking him by the hand. He followed like a child as she led him into the shadowy sitting room. Night on Coruscant was never completely dark, and light filtered into the room in odd shapes. She chose a spot on one of the long sofas and pushed him onto it, then sat down in his lap and wrapped her arms around his neck. Only then did she wonder how he had gotten in.

"Umm… does my door still work?"

There was a brief, guilty pause. In fact Anakin had been so desperate to get to her that he had tackled that final barrier, her front door, with much too heavy a use of the Force and had damaged the locking mechanism.

"Nothing I can't fix in the morning. And for the moment any intruder will have to get past me."

It sounded as though he was here for the night. Padmé hugged him hard, and felt him clinging to her in a way that cried desperation.

"What's wrong?" she breathed into his ear.

Now that he was here he couldn't find a way to tell her. He simply couldn't describe the vivid nightmares in which, because of his failure, her pod fell and smashed onto the floor of the Senate Chamber. In the dreams he had to live through every detail of her injuries and death over and over again, and he was unable to wake up. Language could not convey the terrorizing power of those images. Nor could it express the feeling of being lost, misplaced in the Jedi Temple – disconnectedness that had entered his awareness since his meeting with the Jedi Council. Inside he felt like little Gren, wafting around the Temple without her Master. It was frightening and disorienting to experience himself so disjointedly on the inside, but to perceive no dangers from the outside, no matter how hard he tried.

There were no words for it.

"I…I've started dreaming again," he said, inadequately.

Padmé settled even closer to him.

"What kind of dreams?"

He hesitated. "Nightmares." Just thinking about the horrors that had woken him not long ago and sent him fleeing to the only place of comfort he knew made him press her closer, as though her body could somehow shield his soul. He had to keep reassuring himself that she was really here, and safe.

Padmé held him in silence for a while, and then suddenly shifted and pushed him back.

"Lie down," she commanded.

Bemused, he more or less did as he was told, only to find that she had begun to yank at his utility belt. It took some doing, but she finally managed to tug it off him and drop it on the floor.

"Need help?"

"I'm just getting rid of this annoying thing," she said, and settled back down onto his chest and sighed with comfort. "That's better."

"Anything else you want to get rid of?" he offered helpfully.

"We were talking about your dreams."

Anakin noticed that his terrible dreams seemed further away and not nearly as overwhelming. He enfolded her in his arms again and began to relax a little.

"I've been having them since you exiled me to the Temple," he started again.

"So it's my fault for banishing you from my bed?" Padmé murmured against his neck.

"Probably," he decided, feeling better by the minute. Padmé wrapped her legs around his, and then suddenly sat up again, pushed herself to the other end of the sofa and started yanking at one of his boots.

"Ow! Take it easy!" he yelped. "Are those annoying, too?"

"Yes," she said, determined. "I'm stubbing my toes on them." She pulled so hard he feared for his ankle.

"Wait. Stop. I'll do it," he insisted, removing the second boot carefully so as to preserve his foot for future use, then flopped back down, wondering what was next.

Padmé surveyed him, taking in his leather jerkin with a speculative stare.

"That, too?" he asked hopefully, figuring it couldn't be as dangerous as the boots.

"Why not?" she decided.

He shrugged out of it before she could tackle it.

Padmé settled herself back down onto his chest experimentally and sighed.

"Perfect," she said.

"Are you sure?" he asked, disappointed.

"I'm sure. We're still talking about your dreams."

Her presence was so vibrant that even in the middle of the night the shadowy room seemed bright and safe.

"So you and Balé are both having nightmares," Padmé said softly.

"She had a real scare that first day when I took her around the Senate building," Anakin remembered. "Did she tell you?"

Padmé propped herself up on her forearms and looked at him.

"No," she said, surprised. "When? What happened?"

"It happened when we met the Chancellor. She said he frightened her… that his eyes went straight inside. I don't know why. I couldn't perceive a thing."

"Why didn't you tell me before?" Padmé demanded.

"When?" Anakin said a bit defensively. "We've hardly had a chance to talk."

Padmé slumped down with her chin resting on her hands, thinking. Anakin reached up and brushed her hair out of her eyes and then was startled when Padmé frowned and pushed herself up again only to attack his gloves, pulling them off one by one and flinging them onto the floor as well. Instinctively Anakin slipped his metal hand under his back, as though to hide it.

"Stop that," she said, and pulled his right arm around her so that she was once again settled in his full embrace.

Anakin sighed.

"You know, I have the same reaction to Palpatine," she admitted finally. "I get a physical reaction when I'm in his presence. I actually feel sick."

There was a long silence.

"Since when?"

"Ummm…" She thought hard. "I think it goes all the way back to my return from Naboo. Yes, I'm sure of it. It has been that long. It's getting worse, too."

"Why didn't you tell me?" Anakin wondered.

"Would you have believed me?"

Now he was really mystified. "Why wouldn't I?"

"No, Anakin, I'm serious. Think about it. The feeling here on Coruscant is getting bleaker by the day. It's worse in the Senate. Some days it takes all my courage just to go in there, and yet you seem perfectly comfortable with it."

"I'm not," Anakin protested. "I hate it, too."

"Well, what about these feelings of … I don't know… foreboding… I've been having for ages? You just laugh them off. Balé and I have the same strong reactions to the man who has deceived us all and as of yesterday, carried out criminal actions, while you – of all people– perceive absolutely nothing. In fact, you seem so close to him that it scares me."

Anakin couldn't think of a response.

"Why is that, Anakin? You are a powerful Jedi. Why don't you perceive the same things we do?"

"I don't know," he whispered, stricken, remembering the spiteful darkness that troubled him since the crisis in the Chamber. His arms tightened around her. "I don't know."

So I'm not only lost, he thought, but I'm blind, too

"I feel let down and betrayed by Palpatine," Padmé said bitterly, and then slumped back down onto Anakin, letting her hand trail along the floor. "I distrust him and cannot in good conscience support his conduct of this war. And I love you and trust you with everything that is dear to me, as I always have… and yet you are that man's faithful assistant. Is it any wonder I'm terrified all the time that this will tear us apart?"

Anakin panicked. He couldn't believe that something like this might slip between them. Nothing was that important. Nothing.

"What…" Anakin's voice didn't work properly the fist time, so he had to try again. "What makes you think that I would let anything come between us?"

Padmé raised her head to look at him, finding only shadows and shapes in the dim room.

"The fact that you don't see what I see. How can you guard against danger if you believe there is none?"

"No!" he burst out, clutching her hard. "I won't let anything happen!"

"Shhhh," she soothed. "You'll wake everyone up."

"Padmé, you have to believe me. You always come first. Always."

She allowed herself to be held but kept seeking reassurance.

"I have to fight him, Anakin. I can't stand by and do nothing. What are you going to do when he opposes me?"

"Protect you," Anakin growled, deep in his throat.

"What if you can't? What if your other duties prevent you?"

What if my weakness prevents me? Anakin took a deep, shuddering breath. Still, from the safety of Padmé's arms he was able for the first time to meet the terrible thought with determination rather than fear.

"Just watch me," he swore. Anakin was ready to do battle with anything and anyone in the Galaxy, furious at the idea that anything could pull them apart.

Anakin's fierce embrace was like armor shielding her, and despite her worries Padmé felt safe. She found it extraordinary that even in the midst of the darkness and confusion she could experience such profound, simple joy in his presence. They lay together in troubled silence until her fingers encountered something unexpected on the floor. She peered over the edge of the sofa into the gloom and picked up a small wooden box that must have fallen out of his belt.

"Is this the puzzle box Balé gave you?"

Anakin looked over.

"Yes," he said. "I was bringing it to you for safekeeping. If you don't mind."

His austere explanation left out the fact that the pain and terror left by his dreams had been so unbearable, and the impulse to find his treasure and flee to safety so desperate that he had left his cot in the Temple upended after a frantic search for the box.

Padmé looked at it with interest. "How does it work?"

Anakin reached around her and with a few adept movements opened the center compartment.

Padmé sat up and shifted closer to a shaft of light that squeezed in through the window coverings to look inside. When she made out the contents she realized with a lurch that she might as well be holding Anakin's heart in her hands. One by one she removed his small treasures and laid them with great gentleness on the polished surface of the table by the sofa. He watched her unveil his secrets, understood the reverence with which she received them, and could not speak.

She unwrapped a tiny parcel and held up the star stone jewel that she had given him as a wedding present. Even in the shadows the smooth stone threw off sparks of inner fire. The parchment that had hidden it turned out to be her own note, written to Anakin months before and sent inside the puzzle box in hopes that he would somehow receive it. She felt tears rising, but did not let them fall. She wanted to see clearly.

Next her fingers found the thin, rough-textured Padawan braid, tightly wrapped into a knot. With the gentlest touch Padmé unraveled it and smoothed it from one end to the other. How many times had she straightened that braid when he wore it?  And here it lay in her hand – all his and yet no longer a part of him. She laid it on the table next to the star stone and then reached for the last item in the box  – a tiny, tiny folded bit of paper. Carefully she smoothed it out and read it. She made out Balé's words, and then saw the scribble that only Anakin could have added to the child's name – "Skywalker." Now the tears really did fall.

"When did you write this?" she asked, as the words blurred.

Anakin spoke for the first time since opening the box. "In the Temple. Before I saw you again. When I wasn't sure I would ever get my strength back." When I didn't know how I would get back to you. he thought. His voice was hoarse.

Padmé laid the slip of paper on the table by the braid.

"Look, Anakin," she said after a while. "Here are all the pieces of your life. Here I am…" she pointed to the star stone and her note. "Here is Balé…" she laid the slip of paper next to the star stone. "And here is…." she hesitated. "Obi-Wan? The Jedi Order?" She picked up the braid and encircled the other items with it. They looked at her design in silence. "It's the outside of your life, but you hold us inside."

What his words could not express, the picture she created on the tabletop had shown.

"That braid has been cut," Anakin said in a voice that wobbled a little. It occurred to him that something was missing from the picture. There was no visible evidence of Qui-Gon Jinn, who had set Anakin on his path, saved his life, and given him eyes with which to see.

"Is that how you feel about your life in the Order?" Padmé asked. "That it has been severed?" They had not discussed these matters since before their marriage.

"I don't know," Anakin said slowly. Uncertainly. "I just don't know. Sometimes I look at Balé and I'm desperate to tell her who I really am. I want to so much I can hardly stand it." Padmé leaned back into him, fitting herself into the planes and hollows of his familiar and beloved shape. Anakin's arms came around her as they gazed at his treasures in the gloom.

"And then at the same time," he went on, "I know that I want to be a Jedi Knight. But they don't seem to want me."

"I can't help you with that," Padmé said softly. "I can't make that choice for you. But I can tell you this. Any time you decide you want to make our marriage public, I'm ready." His arms tightened around her. "I've been ready for a long time. I would be so proud to announce you as my husband."

"I want to," Anakin whispered. "I want to so much."

"So I'll leave it up to you," she went on. "It's completely up to you."

Part of Anakin wished that he didn't have to make that choice – that she would make it for him, like she would for a child.

"I don't know what to do, Padmé," he said, pleading.

"Then don't do anything until you know," she said more bravely than she felt. "We'll just continue as we are until you decide."

Anakin looked at the display on the table.

"You're the puzzle box, Anakin," Padmé whispered. "I've always thought of you that way. A puzzle."

"All of those things fit inside," he observed.

Padmé took his comment as a sign that he was not yet ready to relinquish any one of the pieces and began tucking them all away again, slowly and tenderly.

"Keep it safe for me," he begged. "Please."

Padmé understood perfectly what he was really asking, and to his deep gratitude she answered the plea that he had not expressed.

"I will keep you, Anakin. I will hold you and keep you and never let you go." I will not leave you. "Whatever you decide, you will always have me."

Resting his cheek against hers and holding her in his arms Anakin felt much of his fear flow out of him. He felt lighter than he had since ... well, since he could remember. A tightness around his heart that he had not even been aware of eased. He breathed deeply.

"Thank you, Padmé," he said, as one would a prayer. "Thank you for loving me."

[i]"I can no more stop loving you than I can change the stars in the sky,"[/i] Padmé quoted. "Do you remember, Anakin?  You said something like that to me a long time ago."

Anakin remembered. It was after the Battle of Geonosis, a lifetime ago. So much had happened since then, and yet they were still together. He felt strengthened.

"You know what?" he said suddenly. I'm going to meditate. Do you want to come?"

"Where?" 

"The roof garden. It will be dawn soon."

Padmé yawned. "This building has a roof garden?  I didn't know. It seems that lately I'm either at work or… in bed." She smiled.

Anakin jumped up, suddenly full of bounce and resolve, and helped her to her feet. "Balé and I found it yesterday." [i]Was it only yesterday? It already seems so long ago./[i]

Padmé yawned again. "Speaking of bed, I think I'll go crawl back in with Balé for a while."

"I'll go, then." Anakin was focused, eager. He had some inner work to do. Master Qui-Gon's image was filling his mind.

Padmé looked at him dubiously, stifling another yawn. "In your socks?"

Anakin grinned and bent down to pull his socks off one by one. He rolled them into a ball and threw them on top of the odd pile of clothing on the floor by the sofa. "Barefoot. I feel… light. Unburdened. I like the feeling. I'd like to keep it for a while."

"Suit yourself." Suddenly Padmé was overwhelmingly sleepy. Clutching the puzzle box in her hand she stumbled back to her bed, slipping gratefully under the covers with the warm, softly breathing child, and fell asleep almost instantly.

* * * * *

On his way out to the roof garden Anakin remembered the broken door lock, so even as he sank gratefully into meditation amid the greenery he kept a small part of his awareness focused on the apartment. In this way he knew in the back of his mind when Balé woke up and he was with her and felt her delight when she found the pile of his familiar belongings in the sitting room. He wasn't surprised when she very soon tracked him to the roof, despite being under strict orders never to leave the apartment unaccompanied. He held her safely in his awareness until she appeared by his side in the pale light of dawn.

"Hello, Warrior," he said, rousing himself from his otherwise deep meditative state.

Balé surveyed him thoughtfully, taking in the relaxed state of his clothing.

"I'm not a Warrior today," she announced. "I'm a Jedi." She was holding his light saber in her hand.

Anakin kicked himself mentally for having left it so casually on the floor clipped to his belt. What was he thinking? He quickly reached out and took it from her and tucked it under his knee.

"It's the same thing," he said, weak with relief that she hadn't figured out how to ignite it. He didn't for a moment believe that she wouldn't have tried.

Balé sat down beside him with her legs crossed, imitating his posture.

"What are we doing?" she asked.

"Meditating," he said. "It's something Jedi do."

"Oh," she said, watching closely as Anakin closed his eyes again. "Why?"

"We are learning to see."

When no further explanation was forthcoming, Balé closed her eyes as well and sat contentedly with him for quite a long time, wondering all the while what she was supposed to see with her eyes closed.