Chapter 1

A/N: No! This is not another one about fangirls taking over M-E, etc. It's different! So read and REVIEW!!

Disclaimer: All credit should be given to the ingenious JRR Tolkien. I do not own anything LotR related, (well...excluding my posters, movies, books and such. Oh yeah! It IS my plot, yay!), the evil floating, fiery, eyeball that is Sauron (thank god!!), or any fangirls (phew!).

So here it is! It's coming! It's still coming! Wait for it..NOW!!

Sauron, dark overlord of Mordor, was lonely, to say the very least. Sure, he had thousands upon thousands of soldiers waiting to do his bidding, but no one to keep him company. Most people don't know this, but it's HARD being an evil flaming eyeball. It's makes simple conversation extremely difficult and along with the fact that everyone he did try to communicate with was always groveling, it made it damn near impossible.

So when he found out about the existence of fangirls, how they practically throw themselves at you just to look at them and how every single one seems to have convinced themselves that they're going to be your future wife, he was ecstatic. (Although he failed to see how very similar they were to his minions; all merely hungry for social power.)

*But how to get a hold of some of these strange creatures. Hmmmm...* Sauron thought. Well, it was very obvious that the one with the most fangirls was Legolas Greenleaf, Prince of Mirkwood. *But being evil and all I highly doubt that this elf would just give away his secrets to being a fangirl god. But what does he have that I don't?*

A mental image of Legolas popped into the Dark Lord's head. *It's not the political influence, 'cuz ask anyone and I'm sure that they'd tell you that I, cruel ruler of all of Mordor and soon to be the entire of Middle Earth have much more power than a puny little elf prince from a stupid insignificant forest. Then what?!* Sauron was starting to get frustrated, and consequently several orc guards near by exploded.

*Something has come to my attention. That stuff on his head, what is it? I shall contact that sniveling man of white, what was his name? Oh yes! Saruman!*

Sauron retrieved his palantír, (well. . .the thing more came to him).

"Come on, come on! Pick up!" (rrrriiing. . .rrrriing. . .rrrriing) *Ugh, the Ring. I forgot about that. Oh well, I'll deal with that later!* "Why have one of the Seven Seeing Stones if you're not even gonna answer?!"

(Click. . .) "Hello? Sauron? What can I do for you, My Lord?" Came the head and voice of Saruman.

"Well, you can answer your friggin' palantír for one!"

"I'm sorry, oh, Evil One. I was preoccupied building an army for me. . . I mean YOU!! Yes, yes! An army for you, the Dark Lord! Heh, heh, heh. . ."

"Oh, shut it, you babbling fool! I don't care about that now!"

"You don't?"

"No! Now tell me, what is that stuff on your head? The white flowy stuff?"

"What, this?" Saruman asked, confused. He pointed to his hair.

"No." Said Sauron sarcastically. "I meant your nose. Of course that you idiot!"

"Why, it's hair, my lord."

"Thank you. That'll be all." (Click. . .) He hung up.

*Oh, I forgot something!* (rrriing. . .)

"Sir? Is there something else I can help you with?"

"Yes. How can I get some of this, what was it, hair?"

"Um, might I suggest a wig, Your Evilness?"

"A wig? Of course! Why didn't I think of it sooner?!" (Click. . .)

*But how can I make my wig? I know!*

"Guard!" An orc entered, carrying a large spear. He grunted as he entered.

"Fetch me ten of your men." The orc grunted again.

He brought them in. They zoomed into the air towards Sauron and rested over him, looking like crude, screaming cornrows.

"Well, I don't feel any different. I don't hear the screaming of desperate teenaged girls either." *Wait! Maybe the wigs aren't for me, they're for them!*

"Fetch me ten wigs, Guard!"

He returned carrying something that looked like it was just pulled from a troll's shower drain, (if they bathed, that is). The guard placed a wig on each orc's head and returned, with a blonde one for himself.

"No. It's just not the same." In a second all ten of them were incinerated. *It was kinda disgusting. Yuck!* The guard walked out of the room, still wearing his wig.

A/N: So what do you all think? Does it suck? Please review and tell me your thoughts. Oh, the *s mean that is what he was thinking, if you didn't catch that. PLEASE REVIEW!!