After All, Chapter 2

Disclaimer: Joss Whedon is the owner of the characters depicted herein. As if you didn't know that, already.

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After All

Chapter 2

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Buffy already knew her answer even before she spoke.

She had been watching the girl while Pietro, her watcher companion, explained her 'destiny' to her. Her 'gift' to her. The young woman had sat all closed up. Her arms were crossed, her legs crossed. Her face was quiet, but you could see she wasn't happy.' Wasn't happy…poor thing, I know that feeling. Someone coming and telling you that you're chosen to fight vampires and demons, your life isn't your own anymore. Good chance you'll die young. No life to speak of. Yup, I remember that made me wanna dance'. Buffy was inclined to pull Pietro off, say hey, lets let her be, she doesn't need to do this. But she knew at this stage, she couldn't. they had to have a 'field trial'. That is, expose the girl to a vampire, let her try to kill it(Buffy was there in case anything went wrong), see what her reaction is then. That is the telling moment. A lot of younger girls had changed their minds after killing a vampire. Somehow, it made it real to them. Gave them a sense of empowerment.

But Buffy wasn't there for the ones who wanted this. She was there for the ones who didn't. When she came across the girl who, after the field trial, , rejected it, she talked to them. Made them understand it was ok. That they had that choice. Often as not, they needed that reassurance. It wasn't an easy choice to make. There is that desire in everyone to be 'special', and this definitely made you special. But it was deadly if you were doing it for the wrong reasons. Buffy would scope them out, try to understand why they felt as they did. Sometimes, it was no more than they were afraid to fail. Those girls she encouraged to go on…she sensed they really wanted to do it, but just were green…with time, they would be ok. Those with the wrong reasons for being a slayer… and there were some who wanted to use it for their own ends( god knows what), she weeded out. The ones who simply, after their 'trial', simply were afraid, didn't like it…she told them it was ok, it was their choice. She went on to explain there was no 'shame' in refusing(some were hesitant because of that). Her goal was to see that those who became slayers, did so because they wanted to, and because they had the right motivations.

Buffy, after 8 months, had begun to develop a sense of who would, and wouldn't be a slayer. She could watch their interview, and pretty much call it now. Their body language was telling. Usually the ones who closed up during it, pretty much were going to reject being a slayer…it happened about 99% of the time. She was pretty sure this one was going to refuse. But, she didn't make the rules. They would go out this evening, and expose her to the 'trial'. Buffy hated this part of the process when she was pretty sure that the girl wasn't going for it, cause it usually meant she had to step in to finish the job. That only brought the 'recruited" embarrassment. She was going to talk to Giles about this. In these cases, she felt it was unnecessary for them to continue… pointless, really.

Buffy, herself, was beginning to feel a restlessness. A pointlessness to what she was doing. She hated to admit it, especially after all the talking she'd done about having a 'normal' life, but she wanted a more active role … she missed being an active slayer. It was particularly weird, because she had always said if she had the chance, she would give it up in a minute. She complained constantly how it messed up her social life, her love life…her life in general. How she couldn't have a relationship because how do you tell your mate " Hey, guess what? I kill demons and vamps for a living". That's a real turn on. Then there's the time you gotta spend doing it, and the time you don't have to spend with your honey. And the feelings of inadequacy they get. Geeze, guys have such fragile egos, I swear! Being a slayer definitely puts a crimp in things.

But, she wasn't exactly doing the relationship thing, was she? And, there was the rush. She hadn't wanted to admit it, but Faith had it so right. Slaying makes you hungry, and horny. It gave you this incredible high. Oh, not missing  the bruises, the cuts, the gashes, the dislocated everything. The broken bones, and stays in the hospital, at times. But, there was just nothing like slaying to make the blood pump, the heart go Wheeeeeee , and to give you this incredible satisfaction. And she wanted it again. Badly.

Maybe, if she started slaying again, she could put the other stuff out of her mind. Maybe, she could find a way to let things go, get on with her life. Right now…she felt like she was in a holding pattern in her life. And she didn't want to admit why. But it had to do with a certain person she was missing… and a chunk of her heart missing with her.

Maybe, if she started being The Slayer, again, she could become hard on the inside… stop feeling. Maybe her heart would stop hurting. Maybe, just maybe, she wouldn't care anymore.

' I finally made the call to Giles, to get  Will's number. Then, when I got it, I … couldn't call. I'd punch in the number, I'd…sit there, looking at hit… and instead of call, I pushed end. It's hard to call someone who told you they wished you were dead. I know she said it in anger… she didn't mean it…really. But, what if she did mean it? What if I called, and she said it again? As long as I didn't call, I could say she didn't mean it. But if I found out she DID mean it… what then? Stupid, right? But … I was chicken. Chicken girl…that's me. I'd bring it up, ready to call…and then …didn't. This was so stupid! I can face demons, and vampires, and hell gods, but one red headed witch makes me … jell-o heart. Ok, so after a week(stop laughing), I called.

It was so… polite. Not use the right fork with salad, polite. Stranger polite. Like… we …didn't know each other polite. God, it sucked.'

Will: Hello?

Buffy: (hesitates)… Will?

Will: Buffy?(for a second, almost like old Will…then it changed.) What do you want?

Buffy: Ummm… I wanted to see how you were?

Will: (pause). Oh .(pause). Fine. I'm fine. How are you?( miss manners always says, ask how the other party is)

Buffy: Fine ( not so fine, thank you)

Will: Good(what does she want?)

Buffy: Good(can't think of what to say).

Long pause in conversation.

Will: So…was there something I can do for you?( Why are you calling me, Buffy? why are you doing this? What do you want, Buffy? This hurts, Buffy! Don't you get it? It hurts!)

Buffy: No.(oh, god, this so totally blows). I just wanted to see how you were, say hi(desperate much, Buffy?).

Will: Oh.(Dying here now). I gotta go, Buffy(or I'm gonna start crying …can't let you hear that).

Buffy: Yeah( No!). Me too( Don't go, please talk to me). Gotta go(liar).

Will: Bye, Buffy(feeling tears…running away)

Buffy: Will, I….

CLICK

Buffy(to dial tone): Bye, Will.

'I think at that moment, I woulda preferred a stake through my heart. It woulda hurt less. I think you can see why I didn't call again… Ok, I'm lying. I did call again. A lot. Got her voice mail. Left messages. Lots of messages. She didn't call back.

Crap. Stupid, huh?

Really stupid. Really totally stupid. What did I expect? I mean, she more or less said" Drop dead, Buffy." So, I call her after no contact in three months(Yeah, my fault, I know, ok). And what? I expect " Hey, Buffy, just kidding. Alls good!" Why do I even care? Not like I've never lost a friend before. Why does this mean so much?(Why does she mean so much?)

Why can't I get her out of my head?(Why can't you get her out of your heart?) Why does she ….haunt me so? Why can't I just let it go?( Do you want to let her go… really ?). I don't sleep well… she's there, in my dreams. Sometimes good. Lots of times, bad. I dream about the fight. A lot. And she kills me at the end. But I don't die once, I die every with every word. Like a new knife goes through me…

So, I gotta be a Slayer again. I can kill demons. I can dust Vampires. Easy, no problem. Kick, punch, fight, they die. All is good.

But I can't fight this. It's too hard. It hurts too much. Too damned much.

So, if I become a Slayer, I can go hard inside. I don't have to feel anymore. I can just keep killing the bad guys.

It won't feel like my guts are being ripped out anymore, right?

I can kill things. Get out my anger. Cut things, get out my hurt. Dust 'em all…get out the pain. And if I slip, I mess up, I die.

That's not so bad, is it?  You die, you don't feel things. It doesn't hurt anymore.

You can see the logic, right?  Kill things, don't feel. Die. No pain

It's all good, right?

Right?

~~*~~*~~*~~*~~*~~

Willow was ready to give up.

It had seemed such a good idea. Coming to South America. Recruiting slayers. Being with Kenny. All good, right?

Wrong. So wrong. So, so wrong.

At first, it was wonderful. Great. Fantastic. Kenny treated me so….mmmmm…. and she did ….mmmmm.. so well. She was an attentive lover, so sweet….so hot…my mind blowing through the roof hot. Sweaty moany my body on fire hot. It was good, all so good…so what happened?

I don't know. Maybe it was my fault. Maybe I needed her too much, I don't know. But after awhile, it started to change.

She started hanging out with the 'new' slayers. After their field test, after they had decided to be part of it, she would take them out. Just to buy 'em a drink, let 'em know it's like… a club. She said. Even  then, at first, she'd come home, and it'd be wild. But that soon changed, too.

I found myself regulated to doing the reports. Kenny wouldn't do it, the 'Watcher Council' guy wouldn't do it. I had to do it.  Cause I would do it, cause I knew it was important. Got to the point where that was my function, I began to feel like the fifth wheel… on a motorcycle. And not just as a part of the team

She started not coming home. Not 'til late. I don't know what I did… but it changed. I would wait up…then go to bed. Then, later, I'd hear her come in…settle in bed. Not reach out for me, not even seem to know I was there.

I tried, I really tried. I'd go out, even when I didn't feel like it, to be with her. But even there, it was like I was alone. I mean, she'd be talking with someone else, or dancing with someone else( she always asked" you don't mind, do you?" and of course,  idiot said " No, no go ahead"). I felt as alone as being at home. Except now, I was ignored in public, instead of private.  Humiliated much, Will?

What did I do wrong? I don't know. I wish I did, I could fix it. I could make it better. But I don't know what I did. It was like, she stopped caring. Didn't matter. I'd be there. No one else to play with? Go home to Willow, and play there. Otherwise, Will was at home, waiting. Stupid much, Will?

I was being used. And I was too blinded by love, or what I wanted to be love, to see it. Damn me, for being so stupid.

That shattered the night I started smelling other women on her. She didn't even make an effort to clean it off her, take a shower, something for goddess sake. No. Just crawled into bed with them on her. At that moment, I wanted so much to be a slayer. So much…so I could kick her ass to Bolivia and back. Damn her!!!

And of course, that is the time that Buffy made that surreal phone call.

Right then, when it was at it's worst. And I didn't want to admit it.

Cause she'd been right. So right. Damn her, too!

When I heard her voice, I nearly lost it. I wanted so bad to just break down, and say you were right, I was wrong. But I couldn't … I wouldn't. I knew…I would hear that oh so superior Buffy tone in her voice. And I didn't want to hear that. I … had my pride, you know. I know she wouldn't rub it in, she wouldn't say " I told you so". She'd listen, and be sympathetic. But I knew that tone would creep in…and I didn't so didn't want to hear it right then.

So, I went…cold. I heard her…trying to reach out. And I …kept her distant. Pushed her away. And when I knew I was gonna lose it, I hung up on her.

When all I really wanted was to break down. To hear her say it would be all ok. She would fix it.

I wanted her to be magically transported here. To hold me. To comfort me. To hold me like I wanted her to hold me when Oz left. Like when  I came back from England, after … I went dark…. I wanted her to hold me, to tell me it would all be ok. Like…I wanted her to hold me like forever since I knew her. To hold me. To love me, like I love her. And can never tell her.

Tara knew. She sensed it, and one day just told me. I told her she was so wrong. And I really believed it. I loved Tara. I still love Tara. That'll never ever change. But, she knew…even when I wouldn't admit it to myself, she knew.

I think that's why she let me do that spell. To bring back Buffy. Even though it was so dangerous, she agreed. Because she saw how Buffy's death was killing me, slowly. But it was happening. She  knew, even if I didn't want to say it, or think it…that without Buffy, I'd totally die.

Like I'm dying, bit by bit, now. Without Buffy.

She called me back. A lot. And I wouldn't talk to her. Hurt too much. And she left messages. Lots of them. I deleted them. I never called her back. Couldn't. Because I knew I would …lose it.

God, where is this coming from? This isn't about me and Buffy. there is no me and Buffy. There is me. There is Buffy. there is no 'and' in there.

This is about me and Kenny. But …there is no me and Kenny, either.

And that's why I can't be here anymore. I can't stay here anymore. I'm done with here.

I gotta go. Don't know where yet. Probably back to California.

Maybe San Francisco. It's pretty there. And being gay doesn't seem to be a crime there. Maybe get back into computers. Practice my Wicca. It could be good there.

And that is when she got the second strange phone call. From Angel.

Cordelia Chase had passed away. She never recovered from her coma. He was holding a memorial service, and wanted her friends to attend.

I almost said no. Cordy and I?  Well, lets be charitable. We never were what you would call buds.

But I heard the tone in his voice. Like he needed her friends to come. So , she agreed to come. She would be there for him.

After she hung up the phone, the other reason why she agreed kicked in.

Buffy would be there.

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When Buffy's call came, she was lost.

In her thoughts. Wondering how she was going to tell Giles she was quitting.

She knew she couldn't do this anymore. It wasn't working for her, and everything else going on with her, just made it worse. She thought, when she took this assignment, that she'd have a way to keep a hand in, without actually having to slay anymore. She could do this, and have a normal life. A life outside of the Council, and slaying.

But she had come to realize something. It didn't work for her. She needed to be all or nothing. She had to be a slayer, or not be involved. Being a recruiter…just didn't fit for her. And being a Watcher only gave her the wiggins. She couldn't be part of the faceless bureaucracy. So, her choice was simple. Either go back to slaying, 'til she couldn't do it anymore, or…died; or get out completely. Give it up totally. Be a civilian. Right now she couldn't make that choice, but she did know , she had to quit being what she was now.

And, she was missing home. Ok, Sunnydale is a crater, but she really meant, she was missing California. She loved Europe, especially Italy, but … it wasn't home. And she wanted to go home now.

But where? L.A.?  No, that's Angel's town. And too many memories were associated with Angel. L.A. wouldn't work. So, where?

San Diego? Pretty, yes. But not what she was looking for. No, probably her choice would be San Francisco. She could blend there. Maybe go back to school at San Francisco State or UC Berkeley. And it was pretty…really pretty. And it was open there…you could be different without being noticed, really. Everyone was different in San Francisco. Maybe she could think there. Decide what she wanted. Maybe she could come to terms with this stuff happening to her. Maybe, she could confront how she felt about Will there.

Because Buffy had been doing a lot of thinking. And she was realizing that her feelings towards Will had changed.

They had become deeper, and stronger. And she wanted more than friendship, if she wanted to be wholly honest.

And it was giving her major wiggins. Cause until this moment, she hadn't realized it had been going on for longer than just now.

Much longer.

Before college, longer. Oh …boy.

She didn't know how to deal. It was so totally something she'd never considered. Was she gay? Don't think so…so why…do you feel like this? Don't know…but know it's making me all …panicky. So she needed to think. And be somewhere else. And San Francisco was looking good right now.

Her phone rang.

It was Angel. Cordelia Chase had died. She never came out of her coma. He was holding a memorial for her, and wanted her to be there. All her friends to be there.

She and Cordy had never been particularly close. Maybe one reason being Buffy could see herself as Cordy if her calling had never happened. And it gave her a bit of a scare. But, mainly, it was because Cordy didn't hang much with the Scoobies. She just hadn't known her that long.

But , as she was about to refuse, she realized that Angel needed her there. Could use the support. Like the support he gave her when her mom died…and all the other times. So, she agreed to come.

And after she hung up, the final brick fell into place

Will would be there.

Oh…crap

This might not be so good, after all

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TBC

Ok, I know right about now, the Kennedy fans are gonna let me have it. I have provided a nice crate of overripe tomatoes for their throwing pleasure. But this is, and I warned you, a Buffy/ Willow ship. So…sorry.

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