After All, Chapter 3
Disclaimer: Everyone. Thank Joss Whedon for creating such dynamic and fun characters that we all get to play with. He owns 'em, and so far hasn't sued me. So, I'm eternally grateful( Nope, not making a penny on this…it's all for love).
Author's Note: Thank you, one and all for the kind reviews. You have to a person encouraged me to go forward with this little fiction. I hope I continue to amuse you. If not, well… The snack bar is open, and has a lovely variety of vegetables you can throw at me.
As you can see, there are some spoilers for AtS. I do so hope you have seen the 100th episode, or you have yet more reason to throw stuff at me. But, I think it's apropos, that Cordy perform one last act here on this " Off ramp on her journey".
Let's continue
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After All
Chapter 3
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Buffy spent her time on her long plane trip sleeping, and writing in her journal.
"… I don't even know why I'm making this trip. It's strange, really. All my time in high school, I never really knew Cordelia Chase. Queen C, as she dubbed herself. We were never even remotely what you would call close, yet there is a …bond there. Of course, she did for awhile hang with the Scoobies… mostly to be close to Xander(now, that was weird… Cordy and Xander).
Yet, I think it's more I recognize what I might have been, if I hadn't had my 'destiny' foisted on me. A clone of Cordelia Chase.(Can I shudder now? Ok, not fair. She might have acted the Bitch, but there were times when the human side of her took over, and she could be…nice?…well, at least try. Buffy, don't you know it's not nice to speak ill of the dead. God!).
I guess I regret never getting to know the 'real' Cordy Chase. At least, the one that Angel knew. There must have been something there; something quite special. It was evident, speaking with Angel on the phone, that she had a place in his heart. And whatever else you can say about Angel, he is not easily fooled. Guess 250 years of experience does that for you. I wish that somehow I'd been able to know that Cordelia… she seemed worth knowing.
I want to be there for Angel. I know right now, it's a bad time for him. In so many ways. I'm still worried about him working for Wolfram and Hart. I know, he's CEO of the L.A. Branch…he controls the operations. But there are the 'Senior Partners' to please…and everyone knows they are the BAD GUYS!!!!! The reasons he gave all sound good on the surface, but it still gives me the queasies. No matter how you try, getting good out of evil.. just doesn't work. Even Angel isn't immune to the slow corruption a place like that must promote. I could tell, from the few phone conversations we had that he seemed to be losing his way… losing confidence in who he was, what his purpose was.
But it's strange. Even with the sadness I could sense, I could also sense a renewal in him. Some regaining of his purpose. Like, he'd been put back on track for what he's meant to do. I don't understand it. Someday, I will solve all the little mysteries surrounding Angel. Why he went to work for Wolfram and Hart…and this big secret I sense he is keeping…someday, I'll figure out the enigma wrapped in a puzzle shrouded in a mystery that is Angel. Someday.
But lets get down to it, shall we Buffy? A big part of the reason you're flying into L.A. from Italy, to attend a funeral of a woman who you didn't know all that well. When Angel mentioned that he was inviting all the scoobies to come. And you're hoping against hope that Willow will come, fly in from South America to be there. That maybe, somehow, I'll see her. Maybe even if we can…talk. Calling her was a joke. That …never panned out. But maybe she won't be able to turn away if I'm right there in front of her.
God, we said awful things to each other. Hurtful things, things that cut to the core. When she said " … I wish you were still dead" I felt like I had been punched in the stomach. It hurt, badly. I can't lie about that. But, I know she didn't really mean it. I know it. We were still both stressed out from fighting The First. We had been under that shadow for nearly a year. She had to deal with Tara's Death… Alone, pretty much. And on top of that, the consequences of her magic…how she nearly destroyed the world. Knowing what a gentle, sweet soul she is, really, how devastating was that for her? And was I there for her? Not really. I know I wasn't there for her, like I should have been…like I wanted to be. There was just too much going on. But that's really a poor excuse. I should've been there more. Somehow, I should've made the time. She needed me, and I let her down. How many times have I turned to her, and she's been there for me? I can't count 'em. But when it's my turn… I failed. Like I failed her when Oz left. I got so wrapped up in Riley, and the Initiative, that again I didn't make the time for her pain. Thank god for Tara. Thank god she was there for Willow.
Everyone thinks I'm the strong one, but that just isn't so. It's my friends, my 'scoobies' that make me strong. Xander, who's always ready to fight for me, who can see things others don't. Who tells me when I'm right, and when I'm outta line. Even when it hurts. Giles, dear Giles. We've had our ups and downs over the years. But the fact remains, he supported me when I needed it most, stopped me from doing foolish things, and gave me something I was desperately missing, and didn't even know it.. . a father. My own dad has been M.I.A. for I don't know how long now. But Giles has always been there, giving me the things only a dad can give. I love him dearly. I hope he knows that. When I see him at the service, I gotta remember to tell him.
And then there's Will. My rock. I could always count on Will… even when it hurt her, or made her get the wiggins. We could talk about anything… though, I still kept some secrets(mostly out of shame).There are so many times when I couldn't go on, that she helped me. Got me over it. Got me through it. It's been hard with this between us. I miss her so much. I never realized how much I needed her, 'til I lost her over a stupid argument.
I've gotta fix this somehow. I don't know how, but I have to try. Before it's too late, and I lose her forever. I can't see life, my life, without Will in it. I want my friend back. I want my Will back. And Dammit, I'm gonna do it!
Count on it!"
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Willow sat staring out the window.
She was still trying to come to terms with everything that happened. Trying to work through what she was going to do. What she was going to say. How she was going to do whatever it took to get back in some good graces with Buffy.
She was filled with remorse, shame and guilt.
How could I've been so stupid? How could I've been so blind? Why didn't I see what Buffy obviously saw…that Kennedy never loved me, never felt what I felt for her. Goddess, I was a fool! She used me, and I didn't even see it coming. I wanted so much to be loved, to feel love again, I told myself that you loved me. And you didn't . I should've let it go after we defeated the First, after we left the place Sunnydale used to be. I should've been stronger, smarter. But I wasn't. I believed you loved me, and that's my own stupid fault. I can't even blame you, because I wanted you to be Tara. And you're not, you can't be. You're you… and that's not who I love. So, I guess, in my way, I'm sorry, too.
The worst thing out of this, though, is that I blew off my best friend over you. That I can't forgive myself for. For you. Damn. Because I was too stubborn, too blind, too needy to see what was right in front of me. The truth. My friend, my Buffy, told me the truth…and I …attacked her for it. The truth hurt, I didn't want to hear it. I hurt back. I said things that were unforgivable… but the worst was saying I wish she were still dead. Goddess, I never meant that. Not for a second. But, she had made me so mad, made me so angry, that I wanted to hurt her in the worst way possible. And I did. Oh, Goddess, I succeeded so well…
And there I go, shifting blame. She wasn't responsible for my anger. I'm responsible for it. I knew what she was saying was true…somewhere, deep, I knew it. But I didn't want to accept it. I thought she was jealous, jealous of what I had. Oh yeah, what I had. What a joke. And I was tired to death of " Poor Buffy all alone again!" So I lashed out, I said everything I could to hurt her. Hurt her bad. And I did so well…I drove her away. And now, I'm paying for it. I so deserve what I got. I so deserve this. Who's alone now, Willow? YOU, stupid!!! You're suffering , but not nearly as much as you should. How could you say that? How could you take the one person who's been with you all these years, and toss them aside? Make them feel so bad, so unwanted. Especially, when it was so untrue?
When you died, Buffy, when you died fighting Glory… I think I died that night, too. Something in me died…that girl who believed in happy endings, who believed that good always won. When I saw your lifeless body on that pile of rubble, I felt a big part of my heart die. When we buried you, I buried my hope with you, my faith in the goodness of the world was in that hole with you. I think that night is the night the evil began to grow in my heart.
I can say all the noble stuff about how I wanted to rescue you from a hell dimension, how we needed you, etc. But it's not the real reason I brought you back, Buffy. My reasons were totally selfish. I needed you Buffy. I needed you so badly. You were my light Buffy. You made this world seem…special. Seem…right. And with you gone, it was gray, drab, hopeless. I brought you back, because I couldn't deal. Couldn't live with the world as it was. I needed you, Buffy. So I pulled you from where you were, brought you back here. And when you came back, and your light was dimmed, I didn't understand. I didn't want to understand. I wanted you to get over it, stop doing this. BE Buffy AGAIN!!! Not until Sweet forced the truth out of you, did I realize what I had done. How I had pulled you from a place of peace, of perfect happiness… to live here … in the pain, the harshness of this world. The guilt consumed me. I had to fix it, I had to fix it. So, I did the Tabula Rasa spell…to make you forget paradise, and Tara to forget all the bad between us.
When that failed, when Tara left me , and lost you…I started my slide into hell. I started using magic to escape. I hung with Amy, then with Rack…getting the high from the magic. I became addicted. So addicted. It had already been there, but I gave into it.
Even after almost killing Dawnie, after I realized I had to stop, you reached out to me. I didn't deserve it, but you did it. You could've turned away from me, but you didn't. I…started coming back. Back to being me again. When Tara came back, when we got back together…I …I almost made it. I was almost back. Then Warren shot that down, when he shot Tara. I went to hell.
I blamed you, Buffy. I blamed you, and I was so wrong. Because it wasn't you. I see now I was so out of control, I couldn't have stopped what happened to me, even if Tara had lived. Had never been shot. And I might have killed her myself when I lost control. I…can't even think how I could have lived with that.
Dammit, Will, stop rambling. The point! I need you, Buffy. I need you. And I threw you away. And I gotta fix this. Somehow. And I don't even know how. And I can't talk to my best friend about it, because…Goddess, I screwed this up so badly. I need your forgiveness, Buffy. How do I do that?
How do I get that?
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Los Angeles, California. The next evening.
The memorial was held in a small chapel in the cemetery where Cordelia Chase had been buried. This wasn't the first memorial, the public memorial had already been held. This was for Cordy's family and friends. It was more personal, and more intimate.
Buffy quietly entered the chapel. She saw Angel speaking with Cordy's parents, doing his best to comfort them. She walked over, and stood off a bit, not wanting to interrupt. She could see where Cordy had gotten her beauty. Her parents were a very attractive couple, still young looking, though in their early late 40's. But the grief was telling on them. They looked tired, and a bit worn at the edges. Their eyes were still red from crying. She felt for them. She remembered how hard it had been to bury her mom. How much worse it must be for them, to bury their only child?
When Angel finally turned away from them, she went to him. She looked into his face, and saw the pain etched there. His eyes were heartbreakingly sad. She quietly embraced him, giving what comfort she could. She felt his arms go around her, and she remembered how many times she had been here. In his arms, giving or seeking solace. She looked up at his face, and gently touched his cheek. A sad, nostalgic smile came to both of them. She lay her head on his chest, and received what comfort he could give.
She hadn't realized how much this would affect her, until she actually entered the chapel. While it was true she and Cordy had never been close, she was a fellow warrior. A warrior in the battle against those forces that eventually took her life. She felt the grief one always feels when a comrade in arms falls. It brought home that all to likely, someone she loved could be next. Or herself.
After awhile, she gently disengaged herself. She knew he had others to greet, so she found a place in the back to sit down. She still didn't feel comfortable being here. She sat quietly, waiting for the memorial service to begin.
Just before it began, she heard someone slip into the seat across the aisle from her. She turned to look, and it was Willow. Willow looked at her briefly, then looked down at her hands. Finally, she looked up again, but away from Buffy, towards the front. Buffy felt her heart sink. They were only three feet away from each other, but it might as well have been 1000 miles. She wanted so much to get up, and just walk over and sit next to Willow. But she couldn't make herself stand. She cursed herself, she cursed her pride, and she cursed her weakness. But she stayed where she was.
Willow, for her part, on entering, saw Buffy seated in the back. Her first impulse was to sit next to her, but her fear prevented her. She wanted nothing more than to sit next to Buffy, hold her hand, like she would have in the old days. But, she feared Buffy would reject her. And that would break her heart. So, she sat as close as she dared, across the aisle. But it killed her to be here, so close to Buffy, and so damned far.
The service began. It started with a brief prayer, and an invocation by the minister. Then, her family and friends got up to speak about her. What she meant to them, how she had touched their lives. For Willow and Buffy, it was a new portrait of Cordelia. One they had never known. Both women were deeply affected. Both found tears welling, and quietly began to cry. For a brief moment, their eyes met, but then both turned away.
Something in Angel's speech struck home with both of them "…often times, we lose someone we love before we can tell them what they mean to us. We get caught up in our daily lives, and never seem to make time to express what we feel. I was fortunate. I had the chance, before Cordy passed away, to tell her how I felt. I know my heart is easier because of it…"
Buffy looked up, and over at Willow, only to see her looking at her. They held eye contact briefly, then both looked away. It was too painful… both wanted so much to reach out to each other, but neither could make the first move. Instead, both looked down at their laps, ashamed.
When the service was over, Buffy knew she had to get out of there. Her feelings were overwhelming, and she needed to get some air…do something to relieve this pain in her heart. Quietly as possible, she slipped out the front door. She went over to the side of the building, and stood, looking at the night sky. She was trying to quell the pain in her heart, and biting her lip to keep from crying. She so wanted to cry right now.
A small noise made her turn, and she saw Willow standing there. Her heart almost broke at that second. Willow looked so sad and forlorn. She stood, her shoulders slumped, gripping her hands. Her eyes were bright with tears, and her mouth was turned down in a small frown.
"Hey, Will" Buffy said.
"Hey Buffy" Willow replied, her voice thick with emotion.
There is a small pause, as each woman tries to think of something to say.
" It's been a long time" Buffy finally says, stating the obvious, and wanting to kick herself for doing so.
" Yes, it has" Willow replies quietly. God, this is harder than I thought it would be.
"How have you been, Will?" Buffy asks, cursing herself for not saying what is in her heart.
"Fine, just fine" Willow lies. " How about you, Buffy?"
"Fine" Buffy replies, lying also.
Again a pause descends between them. They both are struggling, trying desperately to find an opening. Finally, Buffy can no longer take it. She begins.
"Will?" Buffy says, trying to find the words she wants to say.
"Yeah, Buffy?" Willow replies. She is on tenterhooks. She is afraid of what Buffy is going to say, but knows she has to hear it, no matter what.
"Will, I said some terrible things to you" Buffy begins." And you said some terrible things to me."
"Yes, that's true" Willow says, her voice almost a whisper.
" I don't know what to do, Will. I don't know what to feel. See, thing is, I would ask my best friend. But she can't help me. Not with this. I'm stuck , Will."
Willow can't speak. She feels like she is choking. She can only look down, her shame reflected in her eyes.
" I miss my best friend, Will. Terribly. It's been hard, trying to get along without her. I have no one to talk to about this. It's hard not having her to talk to" Buffy's voice is thickening. She feels the tears threatening.
Willow feels the tears rolling down her cheeks. Her body begins to shake.
" Will? Can we stop being mad at each other now? I need my best friend back. I can't go on without my best friend anymore". Buffy's eyes are burning with tears
" Oh, god, Buffy" Willow cries. She rushes over, and is in Buffy's arms. Her head is on Buffy's shoulder, and the tears are flowing free. "I've missed you so much. I've been so terribly bad to you. God, can you forgive me? Please, Buffy, I need you to forgive me" Willow is shaking in Buffy's arms.
"Of course, Will" Buffy chokes out." If you can forgive me back"
" I never meant those things I said. God, Buffy. I never would want you dead" Willow is sobbing, trying to get control but losing the battle." I…I… was so stupid. And you were right, oh god , Buffy you were right. She …didn't love me…I was so wrong… and I nearly lost you …and …and….oh God, Buffy, if I lost you ….I don't know what I'd do" Willow loses it, her body shaking in grief and pain.
"Shhh….shhh" Buffy comforts her." It's ok, Will. It's ok. I'm here. You're not going to lose me. You're stuck with me, Will"
The two friends stay like that for awhile, just holding onto each other. Their emotions gently subside, but somehow they just can't let each other go. They never want to let each other go again.
A tall, dark man watches from the doorway of the chapel. He is joined by another man, older looking, with glasses. Both watch the women for awhile, and small smiles come on their faces. They turn, and go back inside.
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TBC
