Welcome one and all, well knowing my luck it'll probably be more likely to be one, probably.

Don't think that this has been done before, if it has, sorry to whomever for stealing your idea.

Disclaimer: I don't own the Matrix and even if I did I still wouldn't own it.

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The final battle of Zion, told by a fool

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M

AIN HALL, when the kid buggers over, spilling bullets all over the floor.

Mifune: What the shit is going on over here?

Kid: An accident, sir. I didn't see . . . sorry.

Mifune: Who the hell are you?

Kid: Unit volunteer, ma'am.

Mifune: I'm a man fuckwit!

Kid: Sorry.

Mifune: What's a pod born, pencil doing volunteering for my corps?

Kid: I'm not a pencil.

Mifune: You'll be what I tell you to be.

Kid: 18

Mifune: What?

Kid: 'Kay, I'm 16.

Mifune: I haven't asked you your age yet you stupid urchin!

Kid: Why do you want to know how old I am?

Mifune: Quiet pencil!

(Picks up one of the fallen bullets and throws it across the room.)

Kid: Give me a chance, sir. I won't let you down.

Mifune: You're saying your lines to early. Listen to me Pencil, (throws another bullet across the room), hey, this is fun, (starts throwing bullets continuously. The kid gets scarred and runs away.)

ZION COMMAND:

Technician: Seismics are predicting 22 minutes to breach.

Lock: Can't help that we don't have any EMP's. They'll have to attack in waves. Concentrate our offence on the dickers. Order the AP unit to position.

Technician: What's a 'dicker' sir?

Lock: I said 'diggers'.

Technician: No you didn't.

Lock: (Looks shamefaced at the floor.)

ZION DOCK:

Mifune: Alright, this is it. Now you all know me. I'm the one who keeps spiking Zion's drinking water with laxatives…

Random Soldier: Is that why Jack got dysentery?

Mifune: Probably.

Another Random Soldier: Are you Jesus?

Mifune: For the last fucking time, no!

Yet another random soldier: You look like Jesus.

Mifune: (Raises huge APU gun and shoots the third soldier).

Right, where was I? Ah yes, I'm gonna say this as simple as I can. If it's our time to die, it's our time. All I ask is, if we have to give these bastards our lives, we give them hell before we do!

Once more, a random soldier: What 'bastards' are they?

Mifune: The sentinels!

The afore-mentioned random soldier: Sentinels? Where? AHHHHHH! (Runs backwards and out of sight.)

Mifune: I'm working with idiots. Alright, the rest of you, follow me.

SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:

Zee: I'm scared, Charra...

Charra: I'm sure you are. I'm gonna make you a deal. You keep moving, I keep shooting.

Zee: Deal. (Gets up and sprints away whilst whistling 'Birdie song'.)

Charra: I DIDN'T MEAN NOW! GET BACK HERE!

ZION COMMAND:

Officer Mattis: Breach, the dock is breached!



ZION DOCK:

Mifune: Buckle up! Fire!

(Assorted shooting, all of the bullets ricochet off of the roof, creating yet more holes in it. One APU person gets hit on the head by a piece of falling plaster.)



SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:

Charra: Shit. Come on, let's go. (Looks around), shit, I forgot she buggered off, where the hell is she?



ZION DOCK:

Mifune: Buckle up!

(Lots of shooting, one person accidentally shoots himself whilst trying to see what the bullets do when they're not in flight.)

APU fighter: Reload!

APU (Armoured Personnel Unit) technician: Reload nine!

Fighter: Go, go, move, move!

Reloading person: We can't go out there, it's dangerous.

APU (Armoured Personnel Unit) technician: Oh for the love of… (shoves Reloading person out of door, reloading person then gets decapitated by sentinels.)

***

Mifune: Buckle up, hull's gonna blow. Move on!

(Sentinels flood in through the hole in the roof)

Technician: Oh my God, it's a flood. (Technician dons a pair of goggles and some bright yellow flippers.)

Technician: None can harm me whilst I have my enchanted swimwear and codpiece.

ZION COMMAND:

Lock: Where the hell is my infantry? I want that Goddamn machine taken down.

Officer Mattis: The infantry said that they wouldn't fight on account of it being the Sabbath.

Lock: Oh for the love of, tell them that if they don't move their arses, I'll personally sing George Michael songs at them for a solid day.

(The infantry soon gets moving.)

SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:

Charra: Take this. (Fires rockets at digger's leg, which then collapses.)

Zee: Oh shit!

Charra: Oh so now you show up, what the fuck are you playing at?

Zee: You told me to keep moving. On that note, (runs off again.)

Charra: Hey! Get back here you little… (Runs after her.)

ZION COMMAND:

Crew: Yeah!

Officer Mattis: What we do with the breach point?

Lock: You there (points at a random person), I order you to go eat the breach point!

Random person: What!?

Lock: You heard me, EAT IT!

Random person: Uh, yes sir.

SOMEWHERE IN THE ZION DOCK:

Charra: Yeah. Got my beltback? Just gimme one clean shot... (Charra dangles over the digger.)

Zee: Oh look, a penny! (Lets go of beltback).

Charra: (Assorted screaming as she falls to her death.)

Zee: Wait, that's not a penny. Charra? Where the hell is she?

ZION COMMAND:

Technician: Commander Lock, I've got incoming!

Lock: We got a dock full of incoming!

Technician: Sorry sir, but this is different, sir.

Lock: Meaning what?

Technician: It went past that, sir.

Lock: That's impossible.

Technician: Holographics is trying to confirm, sir.

Lock: Contact them, I want access codes.

Technician: We tried sir, there's no response.

Lock: You mean they're ignoring us? Rude bastards. You there! (Points to yet another person), go outside and shake your fist at them.

Random person: What good will that do sir?

Lock: Do it damn you! Or I'll start re-enacting scenes from 'Hedwig and the angry inch.'

(Everyone gasps and the random person charges out of the door.)

THE HAMMER

Niobe: Four down, 30 degrees, 80 percent.

Morpheus: 30 degrees 80.

Niobe: Fore starboard, 60 degrees, 20 percent.

Morpheus: 60 degrees.

Niobe: Shit. Come on, keep up! And stop repeating what I say, it's getting annoying.

Morpheus: 'Sniff', was that you?

Niobe: No that was not me! (Takes hands off of piloting things to hit Morpheus and the hammer crashes into the side of the tunnel.)

Niobe: My bad.

ZION COMMAND:

Officer Mattis: Sir. Holographic confirms, it's the Hammer, sir.

Lock: How can it be?

Technician: The ship is under attack, sustaining heavy damage but under present velocity it will reach gate three in twelve minutes.

Technician: Sir, their EMP can take out every sentinel out there.

Lock: It can take out more than that, it'll wipe out our entire defence system, as well as the jukebox. If that goes then heads are gonna role. We blow the EMP system inside, they will lose the dock.

Technician: Sir, we already lost the dock, and you smashed up the jukebox last week when someone stole the Smurf's Christmas album.

Lock: Open the gate, in fact, open all the gates. When was the last time we did that?

Technician: (Rocking back and forth), I'm a pretty girl, I'm a pretty girl.

Lock: Oh this is hopeless.



THE HAMMER

Morpheus: There's the exit.

Niobe: On my mark. Give me full power 90 degrees, low left starboard.

Morpheus: Full power, 90 degrees.

Niobe: Now.

Niobe: That's port you moron!

Morpheus: Stop yelling at me!

(Hammer does the fancy looping thing.)

Roland: Oh damn, woman, you can drive.

Niobe: We ain't home yet. What about the gate?

Morpheus: Several sentinels inside the dock, oooh, look at them fly.

Niobe: (Shakes head in despair.)



ZION COMMAND:

Lock: How many APU's in operation?

Technician: 13, sir.

Lock: Give me the one closest to gate 3.



ZION DOCK:

Mifune: (roaring) Reload!

Technician: It's pacing metal. Go!

Mifune: Watch out! They're coming.

Kid: Eww!

Mifune: I said coming, not cumming.(Author's note: incorrect spelling, probably)

Kid: (Looks confused)

Mifune: Behind you!

(Kid pisses about with the bullets.)

Kid: Jammed!

Mifune: Forget it, Pencil, get out of here!

Kid: Got it!

Mifune: (roaring, assorted sentinels rip his face to shreds.)

Kid: Captain Mifune... Oh, no...

Mifune: They're coming, they're coming...The Hammer...

Kid: What?

Mifune: You'll have to open that gate, cut the counter weights... You can do it... Hurry... there's no time...

Kid: Captain, I haven't finished the training program, I never even started it. The instructor told me that the only way I'd get to be in the corps was as a pin-up.

Mifune: It was the same with me. (Dies)

Kid: Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!

Everyone, sentinels and people included: Ah shut up!

Kid: Sorry.

To be continued, assuming I don't get a shit load of flames. Oh well, what can you do?