Chapter 3: WHAT THE HFIL?!?! (This time, it's FUCKING personal!)

Kaiba was out of breath. He had been running everywhere today trying to get away from the insanity. He plopped down on a bus station bench to catch his breath. Just then he saw someone walking down the street. It was Mai. Just what he needed! More fucked alternate universe people! Would it ever end? EVER!?!

"Hello Kaiba. What are doing?" Mai asked. He didn't notice it until now but she was dressed as a nun. He was ready to ask when he remembered: Alternate Universe

"Resting. I've been running everywhere." He said. Mai sat down on the bench next to him. She tilted her head. "I've been having a bad day. I don't feel like walking home."

"You poor thing." She said. "Here's a fifty for a cab!" Kaiba stared at her. She was giving money away? Giving to someone else?

"Uh...Thank you." He said.

"Well, I'm to donate my whole savings account to the local orphanage! Bye!" And with that she walked away. Kaiba blinked a few times. Why bother?

Kaiba let the cab drop him off a few blocks from his house. He felt like walking again suddenly. He didn't know why. Kaiba walked down the road when he saw Esper Roba walking towards him.

"Fuck." He muttered under his breath. 'Great? What am I going to do if the psychic fraud starts talking to me?'

"He'll probably say that his psychic powers are quite real." Esper Roba said. Kaiba shouted in surprise.

"WHA?! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!!!" Kaiba shouted.

"But you thought it." Esper said.

"Since when have you been psychic?" He asked. Why did he ask? He knew the answer.

"Why, I was born the power of clairvoyance."

"Ok! Then read my mind!" Kaiba dared.

"Your thinking this is stupid." Esper said. "Now you're wondering how I knew that." He replied watching Kaiba's expression change. "Now you think I'm a fucking freak of nature am I right?"

"OK! I'm thinking of num-."

"156,893,672...3...4...5."

"STOP THAT!" He shouted.

"My aren't we up in a tiff today." Esper said, tossing his hair back.

"I thought that was just a way to scare that Dog Katsuya!" Kaiba said. Esper laughed.

"Don't be ridiculous! I would never use my powers on a duelist of his caliber besides; he is righteous & very selfless. He told me how Pegasus swiped his sister's soul. He went to Duelist Kingdom to get her back. Yugi went too for the prize money so he could save his grandfather's eyesight."

"THAT'S NOT HOW IT HAPPENED!" Kaiba shouted. Esper didn't listen to him. "But I must say the funniest thing was when Honda went against Mai with his Fairy Deck. And then there was Anzu's duel against Mokuba. He used his three Blue Eyed White Dragons, which are SO easy to get by the way, to beat Anzu. A little shallow but not as bad as Battle City when..." Esper didn't get a chance to get another word out as Kaiba had run off already. Esper shrugged & continued on his way.

"YO! ESPER!" shouted a voice. It was Yugi & his gang. "Have you fucking seen that damn fucking pussy Kaiba around?"

"Why yes. He just ran off in that direction." Esper said.

"We are honor-bound to you for your ministration." Honda said.

"Cheerio!" Ryou said, waving as they left.

Kaiba had utterly exhausted himself. He didn't know what was normal anymore. God! If he only could get somewhere were he won't be surrounded by a bunch of bi polar people. He sighed loudly and walked into a café. He sat down and rested when a waitress came over to him. It was a short girl with blonde pigtails. He winced. He knew this girl from Mokuba. He had told him, back when he was normal, that their had been a girl who waited to duel Yugi for the Blue Eyes card he'd ripped up. Her name was Rebecca if he wasn't mistaken. He hoped she was normal. Wishful thinking but nice try, Seto- chan.

"What can I get for you?" she asked.

"Coffee...dark and strong...aren't you a little young to be working here?" he asked. She laughed as she poured him a cup.

"Funny. My husband says the same thing." She replied. Kaiba spit the coffee out as soon as he heard that. He went into a coughing fit.

"Hu...husband?!?!" he exclaimed.

"Yes. I got married after Yugi gave my back the Blue Eyes card." She held it up. Kaiba's mouth dropped open AGAIN! This is getting redundant. The card was in mint condition. Not even a scratch. But then again should he have been surprised.

"Rebecca-darling!" called a voice. He recognized it! But...it was impossible.

"NOAH-CHAN!" Rebecca shouted. Kaiba felt like someone hit him in the head with a lead pipe and now he was coming off the dizzy spell. He didn't know wither to faint, freak out or just run away like he'd been doing all day.

"Noah!?!" Kaiba shouted. (I know weird huh?)

"Hello, Seto-chan." He said.

"What...are...you...what..." he stuttered. "I THOUGHT YOU WHERE A FUCKING COMPUTER!"

"Kaiba are you feeling okay?" Noah asked, acting as if nothing had ever happened between them. Kaiba blinked a few times.

"I trust that your brother will be ready for my plans on Monday?" he said.

"Plans?"

"I'm going to co-own Kaiba Corp. I mean, me and Mokuba already own Industrial Illusions so it just seems..."

"What about Pegasus?"

"Oh, he sold his company after he got married."

"To who?" Kaiba asked. Noah was ready to reply but then Honda walked into the café. Kaiba glared at the boy.

"Ah! Kaiba, my cherished acquaintance. My associates have been looking ubiquitously in favor of you."

"CAN'T I HAVE A MOMENT OF PEACE WITHOUT HOMOS BOTHERING ME!?" Kaiba screamed, slamming his fists on the table. Everyone looked at him.

"Where have you subsisted for the duration of this period?" Honda asked.

"Huh? What the...what in the hell are you trying to ask me?" he asked.

"You must observe, our delegation has sustained a stated of vex. Your being has been functioning in veracity madly eccentric!" Honda said. Kaiba stood up and walked out of the café, shouting about psycho 10 year olds and made up words. Honda paid for Kaiba's coffee and left.

"What's Seto's problem?" Noah asked.

"I don't know, darling." Rebecca replied.

Kaiba walked up to the steps of his mansion later that night. As soon as he opened the door, Mokuba walked up to him.

"Seto, you have people waiting for you in your office."

"Who's waiting?" Seto asked, fearing the response.

"That girl Ishizu!" Mokuba spat.

"Ok." He said, slowly.

"I'm off to work on my newest duel disk so I can kick Yugi's ass in my next tournament!" he said, stomping off. Kaiba sighed & walked upstairs. Kaiba walked to the threshold of his office & knocked on the door. He was surprised & shocked to see Yami Marik standing there. He smiled. Kaiba felt his courage shrink. What kind of torture did he have in store for him?

"Greetings Mr. Kaiba. It's very nice to see you again. Please come in. We've been expecting you." He said, bowing & moving to the side. Kaiba felt his brain go blank for a few moments. YAMI MAIRK!?!?! BEING NICE!?!?! NO MIND TRAPS!?!?! NO SACARFICE TO RA!?!?! NOT EVEN AN INSUSLT!?!?!

"Thank you." He said, sneaking in & away. He saw Shadi was here too as well as Ishizu & even the 'Great Pharaoh' Marik who sat crossed legged on Kaiba's desk. "What do you want?!" Kaiba shouted. "I've had enough nonsense to last me an eternity."

"That's no way to act in front of your most high pharaoh, Kaiba." Marik said.

"GIVE HIM A BIG HUG!" Shadi shouted. Kaiba blinked in confusion.

"What?" he was then bear hugged by Shadi who swung him around and ruffled his hair before setting him down.

"You got any more coffee!?" He said again, a huge smile on his face. "HYPER! HYPER! COFFEE! CAFFENIE! WHHEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!" He then run around & jumped on Kaiba's desk and shouted "STOP...IT'S HAMMER TIME! STOP! CAN'T TOUCH THIS!" Shadi then broke out into insane break dance moves. Kaiba was at a loss for words.

"Moron!" Marik shouted, Yami Marik came over quickly.

"Yes Master?" he asked.

"Bring me a root beer. And it better be cold!" Marik said.

"YES SIR!" he shouted. Kaiba collapsed into his chair. When was this day going end?

"Well, I'm off to make some fresh cookies for everyone. And get the master's drink." Yami Marik said. "Tootle Lou!" He snag as he skipped out the door in a "Queer Eye for the Yugioh Guy" fashion. (Yes that was a plug in for a Fanfic in my favorites) Kaiba sat at his desk after Shadi jumped down and began to take the sofa cushions in his office. "So what is it that you want?" Marik cleared his throat.

"Well, in the past I have usually taken up to staying in the most lavish hotels when I visit any city. However, I will only be in Domino for 5 days and despite my wealth, I wish not to pay for a room so...I demand residence here. I have brought my own servants so don't feel worry about being understaffed.

"Fine! Whatever! I don't care anymore!" Kaiba shouted.

"You seem rather uptight today." Marik said.

"Well...I..." Kaiba began but then the door opened up.

"Hi Everybody!" Rishid shouted. Marik jumped off the desk & tackled Rishid in a hug.

"Rishid!!! You came!!! I'm so happy!!!!" Marik shouted hugging him. Kaiba was beside himself at this point. Marik wasn't nice to Rishid. No one was. He just sighed. Just then the door opened again and in the doorway was a blood soaked Yugi and his posse.

"Fuck!" Kaiba moaned.

REASON FOR THE ABSENCE: I lost all data on my floppy disk and that had my fanfics on it. So I've been rewriting what I lost plus I also got a new computer, a PowerBook G4! (^_^)I've been busy learning how to use Mac. I'm in college now so that has to come before my writing, unfortunately. Sorry for the delay but I have the rest of this story finished and I'll update tonight before I leave on Friday for Katsucon. I'll back on Monday and back to work. I'll try to make sure this never happens again.