Chapter 4: What the HFIL!?! (What the FUCK took so damn long?)
Kaiba saw Satan incarnated in front of him. It was 5 feet high, with an absurd hairstyle and was soaked in the blood of people.
"Someone kill me." He said.
"That can be arranged." Yami said, preparing to Mind Crush him. Kaiba already annoyed, kicked him in the stomach, off his desk. Yami fell to the ground. Yugi laughed loudly, hands on his hips.
"Stupid fucktard!" Yugi shouted with a laugh.
"Fuck you. You little puissant. I'll shove your fist down your mother fucking throat & pull it out of your fucking ass!" Yami retorted.
"BRING IT BITCH!" Yugi shouted. The two then began to beat each other up in one of those cartoon clouds that pops up during a fight. Kaiba watched the two fight and roll around, knocking things over. Then he felt someone grabbing him...grabbing HIS CROUCH!!! He stood up instantly. It was Anzu again!
"Nice pearls you have there, Kaiba. You got a package UPS can't deliver."
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NUTS YOU LITTLE SLUT!" He shouted, throwing her across the room and at Otogi, who was hiding in the corner. (AN-God I couldn't stop laughing at this part.)
"What's wrong you little pussy? Afraid for a little one on one action, you chicken-shit bitch?" Yugi said, laughing.
"GET BACK HERE!" Yami shouted. He tackled the shorter boy only to be thrown out the window and dragged down with him, where the two began to beat the shit out of each other. Kaiba plopped back down on the chair. Jonouchi ran over to the window and began to toss cards at Yami and Yugi in the garden below.
"BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!" He shouted, chucking cards like throwing stars.
"OW! OW! FUCK! SHIT! OW! DAMN IT! OUCH! STOP!" The two shouted. (Seriously, have you ever seen Kaiba when he throws cards at people? They turn into deadly assault weapons.) The two then began to walk to the mansion.
" Kaiba you are becoming evident of the quintessence of disarray. What is irksome in relation to you?" Honda asked.
"You for one thing! Why are you here at all?" Kaiba shouted.
" Why, we anxiety-ridden for your plight of mental balance. So our assemblage expedited to audit your current state of being."
"Would you stop talking like that?!"
"I'm back with drinks and cookies for everyone." Yami Marik said, skipping into the office. Kaiba notice the pink apron. "Who would like some of my fresh baked cookies?" "SHIT! GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE SONS A BITCHES!" Yugi shouted, shovingYami to the side. He grabbed the cookie & ate it then spit it out. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHIT!?!?!?! FUCKING OATMEAL WITH FUCKING RASAINS!?!?!?! YOU SHITHEADED DOUCHE BAG!!!! I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU GOD DAMN COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!"
"AH! Don't hit me!" Yami Marik shouted running away, squealing loudly. Since when was Yami Marik a crybaby? It was all so confusing! Shadi in the meantime had grabbed some cookies too. Except he was singing.
"C IS FOR COOKIE! THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! C IS FOR COOKIE!"
"I do declare, Mister Shadi is quite upbeat today, isn't he?" Ryou said. Kaiba tilt his head over at him. He was speaking in a southern accent now.
"You got to be kidding me."
"What's this?" Marik asked looking at his beverage.
"Your root beer." Yami Marik said. Marik looked at him & then smashed the bottle over his head.
"I ASKED FOR MALT LIQUOR!"
"No, I'm pretty sure you said..."
"YOU DARE TO TALK BACK TO ME!?!?!"
"No sir!"
"THEN GET BACK OUT THERE & DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!!!" Marik shouted.
"HAI!!!!!" He shouted, running away. Ryou shut the door after him.
"Thanks Ryou." Kaiba said. He needed get at least one of these idiots out of the office.
"YOU THANKING VERY MUCH RYOU-SAN!!!" Ryou shouted. Kaiba did a double take. He was talking like an Asian in very bad translation of a kung-fu movie.
"What the hell? WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT!?!?! JAPANESE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!"
"OH, ME SO SORRY!" Ryou said, walking away. Kaiba's face tightened into a snarl as he dug his fingernails into the chair's arms. It took so much self- control to keep himself from freaking out and screaming at the top of his lungs.
"It'll be okay, Kaiba." Ishizu said walking over to him.
"I wish you had the Millennium Taku so you could have predicted this."
"It won't have mattered." Marik said, still hugging Rishid. "My sister is the most dense person on the face of the planet. She can't sense anything. And she doesn't understand anything about the Items, the Pharaoh, Yami no Games...anything." Kaiba looked at her while Ishizu just smiled.
"He's, like so telling the truth. I have like no rational thoughts in my head. Like totally!" "Why are you talking like a valley girl?!" Kaiba asked. His temper was REALLY being tested today.
"Hello? Like, I'm such a valley girl. Dude, like what's 411 with you? Girlfriend, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout, don't cha know?" Ishizu said, walking away.
"No, I don't." Kaiba said, fighting the insane urge to laugh.
"FINISHED! YUGI I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Mokuba shouted running into the office. Kaiba jumped into the air. He never heard his brother shout so loud before.
"Fine, you pussy bitch. I'll kick you fucking ass." Yugi said. "I put my Dark Magician in Attack mode!"
"I summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon."
"Oh yeah!? Well I play all 12 of my Raigeki's at once!" Mokuba shouted.
"Fuck no! I'll fucking use all 27 of My bitch ass Ultimate BEWD to attack with the biggest fucking arsenal you ever seen! Fucking Neutron Blast!"
"Neutron Blast?! NEUTRON BLAST!?!?! IT'S ULTIMATE BURST!!!!" Kaiba shouted, not caring for the moment how he could have 27 Ultimate Dragons. He noticed that Yami was standing off to the side and was very quite.
"Uh Yami? How DID Yami Bakura get your Millennium Puzzle?" Kaiba asked.
"What's a Millennium Puzzle?" Yami asked. Kaiba's eyes widened, his mouth dropped YET AGAIN!!!! "Can I Mind Crush you? I haven't killed anyone in the last 5 minutes!" Yami said. Kaiba blinked in surprise.
"NOOOOO!!!!!!! I'LL SAVE YOU KAIBA!" Shouted Yami Marik. He tackled Kaiba to the ground. Jonouchi tossed some cards and trapped Yami to the wall.
"You bastard!" Then Yami Marik stood up.
"Oh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Yami Marik asked, helping him stand. That's when Kaiba stared at him like he was wearing a bunny suit (And that is quite a shocking site).
"Did...you just...apologize?" he asked him a hoarse whisper.
"Why of course. It's only the polite thing to do." He said. Kaiba looked around the office. Bakura and Ryou where snuggled on the couch. Shadi had made a fort from the cushions in the corner that Jonouchi was tossing cards at. Honda was talking to Anzu with words he was sure he was making up. Mokuba and Yugi were both dueling. He noticed that no matter how many cards they had on the field or how many they discarded the size of the deck seemed to be the same. Marik was sitting on top of Otogi, forcing him to give him a piggyback ride. Hey a Pharaoh can do what he wants.
"Move faster!" Marik shouted.
"Yes sir!" Otogi shouted running past Mokuba who summoned his 36 Toon Dark Magician Girls while Yugi had 52 Harpies Feather Dusters sweep away all 77 of his 'United We Stand' cards.
"I play my 1,923 mother fucking Dark Magicians, you pussy!" Yugi shouted.
"Oh yeah! I play all 280 of my Swords of Revealing Light!" Mokuba shouted. Kaiba felt a vein appear on his forehead. His office was like a zoo.
"Don't be sad Kaiba." Ishizu said, walking over to him.
"How can I not? LOOK AT THESE IDIOTS!" Kaiba shouted.
" I, be of the opinion, that this predicament is procuring riotous." Honda said.
Shadi suddenly burst out of his fort and jumped onto Kaiba's desk. He then made a declaration for all to hear!
"LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!" He shouted. THEN MUSIC FROM THE FIREY DEEPS OF HELL ENTERED THE ROOM! (Kaiba's face O.O)
"What the FUCK?!?!?!" Kaiba shouted.
"FUCKING SHIT! I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG!" Everyone broke into a dance, the Chicken Dance that is! Kaiba banged his head on the desk repeatedly. He kept doing it until he felt dizzy, until his forehead began to bleed, until he fell over.
Kaiba felt the outside world come back into focus slightly. He kept his eyes closed as if to keep the outside world from coming back to haunt him. He felt movement next to him. And then he someone kiss his lips. Probably Anzu again! WHY BOTHER!?! She would keep coming until she was satisfied. Then he heard someone speak.
"Kaiba-boy!" Kaiba's eyes practically popped out of his forehead. He sweatdropped. "I love you." He glanced over to see PEGASUS SLEEPING NEXT TO HIM! Kaiba shouted so loud, Arch-Sorcerer Mystic in the USA paused his typing to wonder who was shouting outside. He jumped 10 feet in the air. The problem with this was his bedroom was only 8 feet high so naturally he crashed through the ceiling and fell back through his own hole. Landing on the bed again, he bounced off and was knocked to the floor.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What's wrong, sweet heart?" Pegasus asked. He then noticed his finger. A WEDDING BAND! Then he remembered Noah said Pegasus got married before he sold his company but...NO! IT COULDN'T BE! SAY IT AIN'T SO! (AN: I will not go! Turn the lights off! Carry me home!) Kaiba backed up against the wall and stared at Pegasus, his blushing...uh...groom...er...bride...bridegroom? "I can't believe you still have energy after all that sex we had." Pegasus said.
That was it...The straw that broke the camel's back...
Kaiba felt like he was having a seizure. His eyes twitched, his body was racked in violent shaking and he began to make strange noises in the back of his throat.
That's when Kaiba's sanity snapped.
UP BECAME DOWN!
LEFT BECAME RIGHT!
WHITE BECAME BLACK!
TSUDA KENJIROU BECAME BRIAN DRUMMOND! (1)
And finally his brain shut down and he fainted.
The next morning the CEO woke up in his bedroom. He sat up with a shout and looked around. He checked his closet. HIS TRENCHCOATS WHERE BACK!!! And if that was true, then everything else must have fallen back into its normal order as well! Kaiba shook his head. "I wonder what happened yesterday then?" He didn't want to think about it anymore as he went about to get ready for work.
In the real world, a girl began to laugh at Kaiba. She logged off her computer. "Satisfied?" she asked an elderly gentleman who stood next to her. It was none other the Sugoroku Muto, Yugi's grandfather.
"Yes very much so. I think all that was enough to traumatize him for life." He said. "I finally got my revenge on Kaiba for destroying my card." He shook the young girl's hand. "I'm very happy Yugi suggested you, Ms. Elven. You did an excellent job. You where so highly recommended. I'm very pleased with the results."
"All in a day's work." She replied.
"And as promised."
"Alright! A blackmail date with Yugi, Yami, Marik, Ryou and Otogi. It was a pleasure doing business with you." She said.
"Your welcome." He said, walking out of her office door. Elven Angel Andrea cracked her knuckles and began to type once more.
(VERY sorry for the long delay. I promise not to let this happen again.)
FIN!
Kaiba's voice actor in the Duel Monsters series was Tsuda Kenjirou. Brain Drummond is his American voice actor.
Kaiba saw Satan incarnated in front of him. It was 5 feet high, with an absurd hairstyle and was soaked in the blood of people.
"Someone kill me." He said.
"That can be arranged." Yami said, preparing to Mind Crush him. Kaiba already annoyed, kicked him in the stomach, off his desk. Yami fell to the ground. Yugi laughed loudly, hands on his hips.
"Stupid fucktard!" Yugi shouted with a laugh.
"Fuck you. You little puissant. I'll shove your fist down your mother fucking throat & pull it out of your fucking ass!" Yami retorted.
"BRING IT BITCH!" Yugi shouted. The two then began to beat each other up in one of those cartoon clouds that pops up during a fight. Kaiba watched the two fight and roll around, knocking things over. Then he felt someone grabbing him...grabbing HIS CROUCH!!! He stood up instantly. It was Anzu again!
"Nice pearls you have there, Kaiba. You got a package UPS can't deliver."
"GET YOUR HANDS OFF MY NUTS YOU LITTLE SLUT!" He shouted, throwing her across the room and at Otogi, who was hiding in the corner. (AN-God I couldn't stop laughing at this part.)
"What's wrong you little pussy? Afraid for a little one on one action, you chicken-shit bitch?" Yugi said, laughing.
"GET BACK HERE!" Yami shouted. He tackled the shorter boy only to be thrown out the window and dragged down with him, where the two began to beat the shit out of each other. Kaiba plopped back down on the chair. Jonouchi ran over to the window and began to toss cards at Yami and Yugi in the garden below.
"BREAK IT UP YOU TWO!" He shouted, chucking cards like throwing stars.
"OW! OW! FUCK! SHIT! OW! DAMN IT! OUCH! STOP!" The two shouted. (Seriously, have you ever seen Kaiba when he throws cards at people? They turn into deadly assault weapons.) The two then began to walk to the mansion.
" Kaiba you are becoming evident of the quintessence of disarray. What is irksome in relation to you?" Honda asked.
"You for one thing! Why are you here at all?" Kaiba shouted.
" Why, we anxiety-ridden for your plight of mental balance. So our assemblage expedited to audit your current state of being."
"Would you stop talking like that?!"
"I'm back with drinks and cookies for everyone." Yami Marik said, skipping into the office. Kaiba notice the pink apron. "Who would like some of my fresh baked cookies?" "SHIT! GIVE ME ONE OF THOSE SONS A BITCHES!" Yugi shouted, shovingYami to the side. He grabbed the cookie & ate it then spit it out. "WHAT THE FUCKING HELL IS THIS SHIT!?!?!?! FUCKING OATMEAL WITH FUCKING RASAINS!?!?!?! YOU SHITHEADED DOUCHE BAG!!!! I'LL KILL YOUR FUCKING ASS YOU GOD DAMN COCK SUCKING MOTHER FUCKER!!!!!!!!"
"AH! Don't hit me!" Yami Marik shouted running away, squealing loudly. Since when was Yami Marik a crybaby? It was all so confusing! Shadi in the meantime had grabbed some cookies too. Except he was singing.
"C IS FOR COOKIE! THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME! C IS FOR COOKIE!"
"I do declare, Mister Shadi is quite upbeat today, isn't he?" Ryou said. Kaiba tilt his head over at him. He was speaking in a southern accent now.
"You got to be kidding me."
"What's this?" Marik asked looking at his beverage.
"Your root beer." Yami Marik said. Marik looked at him & then smashed the bottle over his head.
"I ASKED FOR MALT LIQUOR!"
"No, I'm pretty sure you said..."
"YOU DARE TO TALK BACK TO ME!?!?!"
"No sir!"
"THEN GET BACK OUT THERE & DO WHAT I SAY!!!!!!!" Marik shouted.
"HAI!!!!!" He shouted, running away. Ryou shut the door after him.
"Thanks Ryou." Kaiba said. He needed get at least one of these idiots out of the office.
"YOU THANKING VERY MUCH RYOU-SAN!!!" Ryou shouted. Kaiba did a double take. He was talking like an Asian in very bad translation of a kung-fu movie.
"What the hell? WHY ARE YOU TALKING LIKE THAT!?!?! JAPANESE DON'T TALK LIKE THAT!!!"
"OH, ME SO SORRY!" Ryou said, walking away. Kaiba's face tightened into a snarl as he dug his fingernails into the chair's arms. It took so much self- control to keep himself from freaking out and screaming at the top of his lungs.
"It'll be okay, Kaiba." Ishizu said walking over to him.
"I wish you had the Millennium Taku so you could have predicted this."
"It won't have mattered." Marik said, still hugging Rishid. "My sister is the most dense person on the face of the planet. She can't sense anything. And she doesn't understand anything about the Items, the Pharaoh, Yami no Games...anything." Kaiba looked at her while Ishizu just smiled.
"He's, like so telling the truth. I have like no rational thoughts in my head. Like totally!" "Why are you talking like a valley girl?!" Kaiba asked. His temper was REALLY being tested today.
"Hello? Like, I'm such a valley girl. Dude, like what's 411 with you? Girlfriend, you know what I'm talkin' 'bout, don't cha know?" Ishizu said, walking away.
"No, I don't." Kaiba said, fighting the insane urge to laugh.
"FINISHED! YUGI I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!" Mokuba shouted running into the office. Kaiba jumped into the air. He never heard his brother shout so loud before.
"Fine, you pussy bitch. I'll kick you fucking ass." Yugi said. "I put my Dark Magician in Attack mode!"
"I summon the Blue Eyes White Dragon."
"Oh yeah!? Well I play all 12 of my Raigeki's at once!" Mokuba shouted.
"Fuck no! I'll fucking use all 27 of My bitch ass Ultimate BEWD to attack with the biggest fucking arsenal you ever seen! Fucking Neutron Blast!"
"Neutron Blast?! NEUTRON BLAST!?!?! IT'S ULTIMATE BURST!!!!" Kaiba shouted, not caring for the moment how he could have 27 Ultimate Dragons. He noticed that Yami was standing off to the side and was very quite.
"Uh Yami? How DID Yami Bakura get your Millennium Puzzle?" Kaiba asked.
"What's a Millennium Puzzle?" Yami asked. Kaiba's eyes widened, his mouth dropped YET AGAIN!!!! "Can I Mind Crush you? I haven't killed anyone in the last 5 minutes!" Yami said. Kaiba blinked in surprise.
"NOOOOO!!!!!!! I'LL SAVE YOU KAIBA!" Shouted Yami Marik. He tackled Kaiba to the ground. Jonouchi tossed some cards and trapped Yami to the wall.
"You bastard!" Then Yami Marik stood up.
"Oh I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" Yami Marik asked, helping him stand. That's when Kaiba stared at him like he was wearing a bunny suit (And that is quite a shocking site).
"Did...you just...apologize?" he asked him a hoarse whisper.
"Why of course. It's only the polite thing to do." He said. Kaiba looked around the office. Bakura and Ryou where snuggled on the couch. Shadi had made a fort from the cushions in the corner that Jonouchi was tossing cards at. Honda was talking to Anzu with words he was sure he was making up. Mokuba and Yugi were both dueling. He noticed that no matter how many cards they had on the field or how many they discarded the size of the deck seemed to be the same. Marik was sitting on top of Otogi, forcing him to give him a piggyback ride. Hey a Pharaoh can do what he wants.
"Move faster!" Marik shouted.
"Yes sir!" Otogi shouted running past Mokuba who summoned his 36 Toon Dark Magician Girls while Yugi had 52 Harpies Feather Dusters sweep away all 77 of his 'United We Stand' cards.
"I play my 1,923 mother fucking Dark Magicians, you pussy!" Yugi shouted.
"Oh yeah! I play all 280 of my Swords of Revealing Light!" Mokuba shouted. Kaiba felt a vein appear on his forehead. His office was like a zoo.
"Don't be sad Kaiba." Ishizu said, walking over to him.
"How can I not? LOOK AT THESE IDIOTS!" Kaiba shouted.
" I, be of the opinion, that this predicament is procuring riotous." Honda said.
Shadi suddenly burst out of his fort and jumped onto Kaiba's desk. He then made a declaration for all to hear!
"LET'S DO THE CHICKEN DANCE!" He shouted. THEN MUSIC FROM THE FIREY DEEPS OF HELL ENTERED THE ROOM! (Kaiba's face O.O)
"What the FUCK?!?!?!" Kaiba shouted.
"FUCKING SHIT! I LOVE THIS FUCKING SONG!" Everyone broke into a dance, the Chicken Dance that is! Kaiba banged his head on the desk repeatedly. He kept doing it until he felt dizzy, until his forehead began to bleed, until he fell over.
Kaiba felt the outside world come back into focus slightly. He kept his eyes closed as if to keep the outside world from coming back to haunt him. He felt movement next to him. And then he someone kiss his lips. Probably Anzu again! WHY BOTHER!?! She would keep coming until she was satisfied. Then he heard someone speak.
"Kaiba-boy!" Kaiba's eyes practically popped out of his forehead. He sweatdropped. "I love you." He glanced over to see PEGASUS SLEEPING NEXT TO HIM! Kaiba shouted so loud, Arch-Sorcerer Mystic in the USA paused his typing to wonder who was shouting outside. He jumped 10 feet in the air. The problem with this was his bedroom was only 8 feet high so naturally he crashed through the ceiling and fell back through his own hole. Landing on the bed again, he bounced off and was knocked to the floor.
"AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What's wrong, sweet heart?" Pegasus asked. He then noticed his finger. A WEDDING BAND! Then he remembered Noah said Pegasus got married before he sold his company but...NO! IT COULDN'T BE! SAY IT AIN'T SO! (AN: I will not go! Turn the lights off! Carry me home!) Kaiba backed up against the wall and stared at Pegasus, his blushing...uh...groom...er...bride...bridegroom? "I can't believe you still have energy after all that sex we had." Pegasus said.
That was it...The straw that broke the camel's back...
Kaiba felt like he was having a seizure. His eyes twitched, his body was racked in violent shaking and he began to make strange noises in the back of his throat.
That's when Kaiba's sanity snapped.
UP BECAME DOWN!
LEFT BECAME RIGHT!
WHITE BECAME BLACK!
TSUDA KENJIROU BECAME BRIAN DRUMMOND! (1)
And finally his brain shut down and he fainted.
The next morning the CEO woke up in his bedroom. He sat up with a shout and looked around. He checked his closet. HIS TRENCHCOATS WHERE BACK!!! And if that was true, then everything else must have fallen back into its normal order as well! Kaiba shook his head. "I wonder what happened yesterday then?" He didn't want to think about it anymore as he went about to get ready for work.
In the real world, a girl began to laugh at Kaiba. She logged off her computer. "Satisfied?" she asked an elderly gentleman who stood next to her. It was none other the Sugoroku Muto, Yugi's grandfather.
"Yes very much so. I think all that was enough to traumatize him for life." He said. "I finally got my revenge on Kaiba for destroying my card." He shook the young girl's hand. "I'm very happy Yugi suggested you, Ms. Elven. You did an excellent job. You where so highly recommended. I'm very pleased with the results."
"All in a day's work." She replied.
"And as promised."
"Alright! A blackmail date with Yugi, Yami, Marik, Ryou and Otogi. It was a pleasure doing business with you." She said.
"Your welcome." He said, walking out of her office door. Elven Angel Andrea cracked her knuckles and began to type once more.
(VERY sorry for the long delay. I promise not to let this happen again.)
FIN!
Kaiba's voice actor in the Duel Monsters series was Tsuda Kenjirou. Brain Drummond is his American voice actor.
