Wazzup? Todd here. The guys call me Toad, but I really think of myself as Todd. Why'm I telling yo' dis? An who's that in the back wit' da keyboard? Ah, man. Not another author makin' me spill my guts. Heh. Least Fuzz-butt's got it worse than me. I tell yo', I'd hock a slimeball at her if I din't know that'd jus make things worse.

Anyway, there's this new girl in school. She cute, but mebbe not outta my league, if I get myself cleaned up real good. Girl wants to be an entomologist, daz a bug scientist, for those o' yo' dat don' know junk like that. Yo' see, I ain't the idiot the guys think I am. I jus' know openin' yo' mouth at the wrong time gets a fist introdused to yo' face, iffin yo' follow what I'm sayin'. Back to dat girl. I figgur I'd be da ideal boy fer her, seein' as I could show her all the best places to catch the critters.

So first thing I gotta do, I gotta get misself cleaned up. I'd take a shower, but after my mutatin', there's a lil' problem wit dat. Every time I get wet, the smell gets worse, an my skin absorbs so much water it takes a week for the stink to go. Well, my skin's kinda damp from my slime already, so mebbe if I jus' rub myself down wit' a towel real good...

Ok, Author Lady, howabout a lil' privacy in here? I ain't stripping in front o' yo. Out. O-U-T. Das better. SLAM!

Kay. I's done. How'bout you jus' stay out in the doorway, seein' how small the bathroom is? dat's real good.

I wish I could get rid o' the smell, but it don' work dat way. Once Pietro tried to help me out, nicked about twenty pound o' some kind o' de- odorizin' junk an' threw it all over me, but that din't work so good. Y'see, my skin's like a real amphibian's, absorbs stuff real good. Got a real good buzz off o' Pietro's ministrations, but it sure weren't worth the headache the next day. Felt like Fred was tap-dancin' on my skull.

Now fo' brushin' my teeth. Can yo' keep a lil' secret? I don' got no toothbrush. I had one, but pushin' it around in my mouth wit' my slime din't give it so good o' a life expectancy. M'slime's so sticky it pulled half the bristles out by the end o' the week. An' wit' my mutation givin' me softer skin in my mouth, it tore up my gums pretty bad, too. So now I jus' gotta work wit' dis little hunk o' rag. It's better than nothin', though.

An den there's my hair. M'comb disappeared somewhere, and if I borrow one, the guys'll kill me. M'slime tends to cling to jus' about everyting. Well, I's pretty good at finger combin'. Almost looks like it's bushed, don' it?

dNow for m'clothes. Believe it or not, I actually make a habit o' keepin' a clean set in reserve. Got it hid real good so Pietro can't mess it up when he gets ticked. Well, there ya have it. My best shot. Clean clothes, kinda- clean me, and da best groomin' I can give m'self.

I don' have a chance, do I?

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