Chapter Eleven: Regrets

Zoro stopped to lean against the wall. He was short of breath and the slightest trace of perspiration shone on his brow.

"You need to go back to bed." Sanji said, concerned that his nakama might pass out again.

Zoro closed his eyes and nodded. "Too much activity. I need to keep the food wars to a minimum."

The cook smiled, relieved.

//He didn't pass out. We're making progress.//

Zoro rested for another moment and then pushed himself away from the wall.

"I need to find Kell-"

Sanji cut him off. "Go back to your room and get in bed. I'll send Kell after you."

Zoro eyeballed the blonde chef. Sanji noticed the weary look and rolled his eyes. "Just get your ass in bed and I promise I'll send him up to you."

"In one piece." Zoro added.

"Yes yes in one piece."

"Fully functional."

"Maybe."

"Sanji-"

Sanji growled and pushed Zoro towards the elevator down the hall. He jabbed the up button.

"Sanji, I'm serious. Don't-"

"Maybe!"

"Sanji!"

The doors opened and Sanji shoved him in. He grinned and winked at the other man.

"Don't push the maybe, baby."

Zoro blushed as the elevator doors closed.

//Baby?!//

The doors closed. Sanji brought his hand to his head with an audible smack.

//If I ever get to All Blue, I'll be the biggest dumb ass there. //

Kell sat in his office again. The door was locked this time. It was his lunch break after all, and he didn't want anyone bothering him.

The folder laid there on his desk.

//Might as well.//

He opened the folder with trembling hands. The first thing he saw was a sketch of Zoro, asleep, covered barely by a sheet. Kell smiled.

//Ah yes. That was a good day. There were only seven patients in the entire hospital. I had nothing to do. I came back to our room in hopes of a little afternoon delight...but I didn't have the heart to wake you. You were too angelic lying there, unafraid, no walls or protective barriers. The only thing covering you was that sheet, draped across your waist...//

A knock at the door interrupted his pleasant thoughts. He groaned as he got up to unlock it.

"Who is it?"

"Your mother. Open the door." Came a distinctly masculine voice.

//Definitely not mom. It's that damn chef.//

Kell opened the door. Sanji stood waiting, smoking a cigarette.

The doctor glared at the cook. "This is a hospital, not a bar. If you don't- "

"You sound like that woman." Sanji blew smoke in his face as he brushed past him and walked into his office. "Oh, and what is that I spy on your desk? But it's an ash tray! Hypocrite."

Sanji sat down in the chair in front of the doctor's desk. The papers on the desk caught his attention.

"Please, come in. Make yourself at home." Kell slammed the door and turned to his desk. He hurriedly gathered the contents of the folder and put it in his desk.

//Well he must have a reason for coming here...//

"Who told you where my office was?"

"Cathy." Sanji said as he looked around the office.

//He's sure got a lot of humanitarian awards. For Excellence In Medicine For A Great Service to the Island of Bertonneau Humanitarian of the Year Bertonneau...Man of the Year? Jeez, this guy may not have much of a personality, but looks like the locals like him.//

Kell sighed impatiently. "Is there something I can do for you?"

"No." Sanji said, flicking his cigarette and letting his gaze rest back on the doctor. "But I suppose you could do something for Zoro."

Kell smiled and cocked his eyebrow. "There's a lot I could do for Zoro."

Sanji regarded Kell curiously. "You'd like to think that, wouldn't you? But to be perfectly honest, Zoro doesn't want to be here. And I think keeping him here is only going to make his condition worse."

"Says the chef to the doctor." Kell said sarcastically. "Taking Zoro out to sea at this point-"

"I think Zoro's sickness is a physical manifestation of his mental state." Sanji interrupted evenly. "A very...interesting man pointed this theory out to me. Not in so many words, but I'd trust his judgment over yours any day."

Kell snorted. "Correct me if I'm wrong, I am but a doctor you see, but you're suggesting that Zoro does NOT have King's Evil, and that I, a man who has been diagnosing and treating said disease for 15 years, was mistaken?"

Sanji blinked. "No."

"Then what are you suggesting? And make it quick, I don't have all day."

"But you have enough time to sit around and ogle who knows what kind of drawings of Zoro..."

Kell glared. "I apologize if you feel intimidated by the memories Zoro and I share-"

"I don't. But thank you for your consideration. I'm suggesting that Zoro did indeed, contract King's Evil. Now let us use that brain you get paid so much for. Zoro has contracted the disease before, yes? Virus mutations aside, and correct me if I'm wrong, I'm only a mere chef, Zoro still has a resistance to the disease in his immune system. Not only that, but take into account that Zoro quite possibly is the strongest man in East Blue."

Kell stared at Sanji.

Sanji sighed and rubbed his temples in an attempt to ease the frustration this man was causing him. "You're a doctor, don't you know anything about psychology? Or did you not bother to learn any other medical sciences?!"

Kell worried his lower lip. "Are you saying that Zoro has already recovered from the disease, but the symptoms that he is experiencing currently are psychosomatic?"

"Exactly."

"You're not as dumb as you look, and it's a good theory. But where is your proof? How do you know this is all in his head?" Kell said.

"King's Evil is transmitted through blood, right? So if that's how it's transmitted, couldn't it be detected in his blood system?" Sanji said, trying to keep up with his thoughts.

"Yes."

"Then give him a blood test. There shouldn't be a trace of the disease in his blood anymore."

Kell paused for a moment to think.

//He must really care about Zoro...even if he is an asshole. Why didn't I think of this before? I never knew how truly strong he was. I never had enough faith in him. And if it is psychosomatic, what then? I'm no psychiatrist.//

"Alright chef. Say the blood test comes out negative and he no longer has King's Evil. How do you propose we treat this? I know nothing of therapy pertaining to psychology. Of course, I'm not the only doctor on Bertonneau either."

Sanji looked at Kell, trying to decide something. Finally, he spoke again.

"Zoro's condition is a result of being here. His unresolved issues with you mixed with something that must be bothering him now is what is causing this. I think that if this is psychosomatic...the only cure..."

//But I don't want him to work things out with you. I hate you. And what if you take him from me? Not that I have him. Yet.//

"The only cure is for the two of you to resolve your issues." Sanji said quietly. He put his cigarette out in the ash tray.

//Hm...Selfless. Hate to admit it, but you're a formidable opponent. I'd rather die than see the one I love with someone else...maybe that's what's wrong with me. I should be looking out for Zoro's interests rather than my own. That's where I messed up to begin with. But I won't go down without a fight, Sanji-kun. //

"And what if Zoro doesn't want to work it out?"

"Then good for him." Sanji stood up and walked to the door, opening it. "I'm only here because Zoro needs to talk to you...Before you go to him... I don't care what your reasons were back then. Hell, I don't even care what happened. But understand this; if you hurt him, I'll kill you. I'd have no qualms about it either."

The chef turned to go then stopped. He looked at Kell sitting in his desk. "And another thing. You called me a coward. Well... maybe in front of Zoro, but sure as hell not in front of you. Keep your filthy hands off of him. He's mine."

Sanji slammed the door behind him and made his way to the stairs. His blood was pumping.

//Did I actually just say that? I don't care. But he'll probably tell Zoro... So let him. I don't care. I want him to know. I'll kill Kell if he hurts him. I'd do anything for him. I love him. I want him to tell him.//

Sanji stopped at the top of the stairwell.

//But I can't. Kell was right. I am a coward. But I love him. I just want to be with him. I want to touch him and know he feels me. I want him to miss me if I'm gone. I want to breathe. I just want to be near him.//

Sanji closed his eyes.

"But I can't..."

//But I need him...//

He took a deep breath and let it out slowly.

//He could be my new addiction. I could give up smoking at this rate.//

He smiled and opened his eyes. He slowly and amiably began to make his way down the stairs, humming.

"Duh duh duh duh...and a lot of bad eggs..."

Zoro stepped out of the shower. Droplets of water raced down his body as he patted himself dry. He felt refreshed, but nervous. He wrapped the towel around his waist and went to the dresser.

//Where the hell are my clothes?//

A knock at the door.

"Wait just a minu-"

The door opened despite the protest and Kell walked in. Zoro grabbed the towel self -consciously and back up a few paces.

"I didn't say to come in." Zoro said, mildly annoyed.

Kell gazed openly at Zoro, fully appreciating the other man's assets.

"Sorry, it's a doctor thing, you know?" He was holding a clip board in one hand and a small bag in the other.

"Don't bother getting dressed. I need some blood samples and I need to look you over."

Zoro rolled his eyes. "It's not like you need to acquire the blood sample from anywhere but my arm, and as for the "looking over", there's no need. I'm fine."

"I'm afraid that decision will be left up to me. Sit down." Kell said indifferently, indicating the bed.

//Why do I have to be naked?!//

Zoro sat down gingerly on the bed so as not to shift the towel. Kell noticed the effort as he took the needle out of the bag and unwrapped it.

"I've seen you naked plenty of times before, why so shy now?"

"That was then, this is now." Zoro said, blood rushing to his face. He cursed himself, knowing full well that Kell could see his embarrassment.

//Just...look at the rug. Don't look at him.//

Kell walked over to the bed and sat down. He wiped the pit of Zoro's elbow with codine and pulled the cover off of the needle.

"This might sting a bit."

Zoro rolled his eyes. "Whatever."

Kell carefully pierced the thin bronze skin of Zoro's arm. Zoro seemed not to notice as he kept staring at the carpet. The doctor retracted the needle when it was full of Zoro's blood and put the cover back on. He placed everything back in the bag and scribbled a few notes on his clip board.

Another knock at the door and a young nurse walked in. She smiled and blushed at Zoro's state of dress. Kell gave her the bag and clip board and she left without a word.

Zoro still stared at the rug.

Kell frowned. "This cold shoulder won't do Zoro. Talk to me."

"What was the blood test for?" Zoro said getting up and returning to the dresser in search for decent clothes.

//That's not the kind of talking I had in mind...//

"Just to check and see if the virus is getting stronger or weaker. Have you eaten today?"

Zoro nodded. "What the hell happened to my clothes?"

"I'll have a nurse check up on that. When did you eat?"

"This morning." Zoro pulled out the same clothes that he had worn since he got here. They smelled like laundry soap and sterilization. "I need to get dressed."

"By all means." Kell didn't move. Zoro looked at him.

"That means you leave the room." Zoro said, starting to feel tired and irritated.

Kell smiled and got up. But he didn't head for the door. He walked over to Zoro, once again only leaving mere inches between them.

"I should help you. You're sick after all..." Kell grabbed the clothes out of Zoro's hand and pulled the swordsman against him with the other. Their mouths met with a clash.

It took Zoro a split second to register it. Immediately he pushed Kell away and grabbed his sword beside the dresser. He unsheathed it and pointed it threateningly at Kell. Kell smiled coldly.

"What? Don't prefer bottom anymore?"

"Shut up Kell. Don't ever force yourself on me like that again. You don't seem to understand that I am not the weakling I once was." Zoro said quietly.

Kell was dumb stricken. "Come off it Zoro! I never forced you! You make it sound like I raped you! What the hell happened to you out there?"

"I developed a mind of my own. I'm not stupid Kell. I know what happened back then. I know what you did. And I was too stupid to realize it earlier." Zoro lowered his sword.

"You're right. I used you. But you don't know the whole story. You never gave me a chance to explain... Not that it would've done much good."

"Then let's talk Kell. Tell me this revolutionary excuse that will make everything okay." Zoro pulled a black t-shirt out of the dresser and pulled it on over his head. He slipped the pants on underneath the towel and threw the towel on the bed.

Zoro was surprised at his own daring.

//You can do this. I can do this. I'm not a child anymore.//

//Nineteen isn't much better. Considering he's thirty by now.//

//It doesn't matter. I just won't let him touch me.//

//But...//

//No buts. I love Sanji. Hey may never feel the same way I do, but I don't love Kell anymore. I won't go back to him just because I'm desperate.//

//That's getting easier and easier to say.//

//What is?//

//I love Sanji.//

Zoro grinned as the shock faded and grabbed two chairs for them to sit on.

//I love him.//

He tried to hide his grin as he motioned to the chairs. Kell frowned looking from the bed to the chairs. He sighed. He took a seat across from Zoro.

//What exactly to say...//

"I...am sorry." Kell said. He looked evenly at Zoro. A moment passed. The swordsman's face was unreadable. Kell remained composed on the outside as he desperately pleaded for a sign to work off of on the inside.

"Is that all you wanted to say?" Zoro said, almost whispering.

Kell panicked. "No! Zoro give me a break! I don't know what do to! When you left I never thought you would come back so I didn't expect this day to come! You know what happened. I-"

"I know. But I want to know, from you, what happened. I want to know, from you Kell, why. Why you used me, and lied to me, and probably kept me sick for a month." Zoro's voice began to rise. "Why did you lie to me? Why did you have to make me believe you loved me? Why didn't you just kill me Kell?! Why?!"

Kell remained silent for a moment before he spoke.

"I never kept you sick. But believe me, I thought about it."

Zoro closed his eyes in disgust. "You should have killed me then Kell."

"I would never do anything to purposely hurt you."

"You can say that after what you just said?!" Zoro yelled.

"I wanted to keep you with me Zoro!" Kell yelled back. "I would have done anything to make you stay! You have no idea how I felt when you left-"

"How you felt!? What about how I-"

"Zoro you asked me to explain myself! Will you listen to me?!"

Zoro sighed and ran his hands through his hair. "Fine."

Kell took a breath. "I never meant for any of it to happen. I never planned it. I was in love with you Zoro, from the moment I laid eyes on you. Yes, you kept my clientele away. But you also captivated me. Everything that passed between us was real. I felt it as much, if not more so, than you did. In fact, I'd never felt anything so strongly in my life. It was only after you'd been in a coma for a couple of days that I realize the effect your absence had on the hospital. In those few days alone Zoro, I had to hire on 13 more people to keep up with the steady flow of patients. Do you remember what Bertonneau was like? You thought the pirates where ruining the town, but they weren't. Given the right opportunity, pirates saved our island. Always bloody fighting with each other. If they knew they had a safe place to go to, they'd pay without complaint. I could do that for this island. Not just doctors and nurses. Think about it Zoro! Clerks, waiters, cooks, janitors, assistants...Who the hell cared who we were catering to? This hospital provided so many desolate people with jobs...The only one who cared was you Zoro. You were the only one keeping this tiny island from prospering...But you didn't know. And you didn't understand." Kell paused. He looked at Zoro. "I never thought about killing you. I told the pirates who had heard you were here certain things to pacify their fears. I told them things that I would never let happen...Or thought I would never let happen. I knew it couldn't last, somewhere inside I knew. I knew you would eventually get better. I couldn't keep you up in that room forever. But I couldn't let you go. I loved you too much. I loved the people of this island too much. I'm sorry Zoro. I had to help them...I never meant to hurt you, or disrespect your feelings. I knew what you were. It was wrong to use you and lie to you the way I did. But I didn't want to lose you..."

Kell looked away. "I know that apologizing now doesn't make it better. I should have told you then what was going on. I should have let you get angry and leave or get angry and kill all the pirates. I manipulated you. But when I saw you come through that door...Zoro...I haven't truly lived since you left. When you showed up, I felt alive for the first time in two years. I still love-"

"Stop." Zoro said, his voice sounding strangely full. He got up abruptly and turned around.

//I did this. I harmed them. I caused it all... I was too hell bent to see what I was doing to the island. How could I? I hurt so many people...//

"How could you possibly love someone who was hurting the people of this island...? I wouldn't have cared at that time and you damn well know it. How could you love someone like that?" Zoro's voice cracked. "I...I...why? You did what you had to. I would have done the same thing...How could you love me..."

Kell stood up as well. "You've never regretted anything in your life. You lived an honorable life then. You still live one now. I know very well what most of my patients were. Killers. Murderers. Liars. Yes, I did what I had to, but you were doing what you believed in too."

"I'm sorry Kell...I..." Zoro couldn't speak. "I was so self righteous. So unconcerned." He turned around but he couldn't look at Kell. He hung his head. "I know now that if you would have told me truth then, I still would have left, or worse. Can you..."

//No. I won't ask for forgiveness. I don't deserve it.//

"Why Kell? Why do you still love me? Why did you love me then?" Zoro felt the horrible constriction in chest. He hadn't felt something like that since Kuina's death.

//I was so stupid. He loved me. And I threw it away.//

Kell smiled. "Look at us Zoro. What a mess we made."

He reached out and pulled him into a warm, tight embrace.

"I loved you because I admired you. You were pure. You would rather starve to death than cater to a pirate. I loved that about you. If there had been another way to help the island, I would have taken it. But I was too desperate and weak. You were so strong and unafraid and beautiful. You had such spirit that I had never seen before. You still posses these qualities. I told you I loved you the moment I saw you because these traits radiated from your very core." Zoro pulled back and looked the doctor in the eyes. "And you were good in bed."

Zoro snorted.

"Zoro, don't lose faith in yourself. I do believe that if I would have had the courage to tell you, you would have understood. I don't think you're the demon you thought you were."

"But Kell you-" Zoro began. But Kell put a finger to his lips.

"Sh. I'm not done. I did know you. Better than you thought I did. It's only been two years Zoro. I know a lot has happened. I know you've changed a lot. But not so much. You're still the beautiful person you were back then, and you were no demon. I just...should have told you." Kell looked sadly at the other man. "I didn't have enough faith in you, a fault that lies in me."

He gazed into the dark eyes before him. Zoro gazed back, equally transfixed in thoughts of what could have been, and all that had been lost.

Kell brushed Zoro's lips with his own.

"Kell..." Zoro whispered.