Author's Note: This was a tough one. I had to totally scrap this chapter half way through, and rewrite it entirely before I could finish it. The transitions between POV's in this chapter may seem choppy, and I'm not exactly sure if I'm happy with the way things begin to unravel between Severus and Hermione. Ah, well... at least we get to see Snape returning to his old self by now.
For anybody who may wonder about it, Hermione's experience with a colicky Samuel is based on my own experience with my first child. I wanted to keep the feelings of helplessness, fatigue, and sense of inadequacy as real as possible. I can't tell you how many times I had to run home to "my mommy", because I had convinced myself that I was a failure as a mother. The reason I wrote Hermione this way is twofold. 1) Plot Device 2) I wanted to show that, even if you're Hermione Granger, there are just some things that you can't learn from a book.
Thank you again to my readers and reviewers. I do hope you that you will all continue to enjoy the story.
As always, all questions, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome if you'd like to leave a review.
*******
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the characters from the books in the series are copyright JK Rowling, and are not being used for profit, only for personal enjoyment.
*************
Chapter 12 ~ "Can't Go On"
The weekend couldn't come soon enough for Severus. The first week back to school had been hell for him. He thought that his classes would keep his mind off of his son, keep him from wondering how Hermione was faring this week by herself. He was confident that she could handle it... after all, this was Hermione Granger. If there was anything she couldn't do, surely she would find the answers in a book. So he immersed himself in his work, hoping that he could keep his mind off of what might be going on in that lonely cottage in the woods.
It wasn't too difficult at first... his mind only wandering between classes or at mealtimes. But the nights were most difficult. By midweek, Severus found himself unable to sleep, and his usually sharp mind began drifting off during classes as well. He was tense, and tired, and a downright bastard by the end of the week. If he had been hard on the students before, his behavior had worsened tenfold.
Merlin forbid that anybody turn in an assignment that was less than perfect. A misspelled word on an essay was enough to earn a loss of house points, any unfortunate student who made the mistake of turning in a vial of incorrectly brewed potion suffered a weeks worth of scrubbing bedpans with Filch, and heaven help this year's "Longbottom" (for there was always at least one student in each year with a knack for melting or exploding cauldrons), as they suffered the worst of his wrath... his sharp tongue. More than one student had fled his classroom in tears that week, earning Severus a conference with the Headmaster by the time the weekend rolled around.
He was looking forward to Saturday, when he was due to visit his son for the first time in nearly a week. By Friday evening he couldn't wait any longer. He left directly after dinner, asking Remus Lupin to keep an eye on the Slytherins, and rushed to Hermione's cottage. His mood worsened as he stepped through the door and looked around at the house's state of disarray. He could hear Samuel crying loudly in the distance, but there was no sign of Hermione. Severus quickly made his way to the bedroom, where he came to a sudden stop in the doorway, inhaling sharply at the sight before him.
Hermione was on the bed, Samuel crying in the crook of her arm, as she lay there staring blankly at the ceiling. He took in her disheveled appearance ~ tangled hair, milk stained T-shirt, and the river of tears running down her face as she shook with sobs.
"Hermione?" his voice went hoarse as he stepped into the room and approached the bed. When she didn't respond, he gently removed Samuel from her arms. After reassuring himself that there was nothing physically wrong with his son, Severus cuddled the child into the warmth of his chest, murmuring a few soft words to him. Samuel's wailing ceased almost instantly, only letting out a few more choked sobs as he began to suck his thumb.
Hermione's eyes drifted to Severus and the child, and she began to sob harder.
Severus raised an eyebrow, demanding, "Hermione? What's wrong?"
"I... I'm..." her voice broke as she continued to sob, "I c-can't do anyth-thing r-right," she hiccupped, "I am a t-t-terrible m-mother."
Severus placed their now-sleeping son into his cradle and left the room, returning a few moments later with a glass of water. He encouraged Hermione to sit up and drink, only speaking again after her hiccups subsided.
"Has it been like this every day?" he asked worriedly, his brow furrowed, and Hermione sniffled as she nodded her head. He handed her a handkerchief as he rose to his feet and looked down at her, "Tell me about it."
"I can't do this anymore, Severus," Hermione whispered.
"What do you mean by that?" he demanded.
"It's just too much, Severus. I... I can't do this alone."
"Get some rest, Hermione," he sighed. As he turned to leave the room, he heard her murmur, "I think... I think I'm going to go... go to my m-mother."
*****
Hermione slept fitfully for an hour, waking up feeling just a bit better than she had for most of the week. She looked over to her son and felt a pang of guilt mixed with relief that he was finally sleeping soundly. She decided to sneak away to wash up while he was still asleep. She hadn't had time to do more than wash her face and brush her teeth most of the past week, and she was hoping that he would spare her at least enough time for a quick shower before he was demanding her attention again.
To her surprise, when she entered the bathroom, she found the tub filled with steaming water and thick, fragrant bubbles. She paused in wonder for a minute before she remembered... Severus was here.
She turned back into the hallway, and down to the living room where she found Severus staring pensively into the fire. He seemed to do a lot of that, she thought as she approached him silently, sitting beside him on the sofa as she, too, began to stare into the flames.
After a few tense moments of silence, she finally looked up at Severus. She forced herself to look at him, and saw his brow furrow as his eyes met with hers, and she knew that he must be terribly disappointed in her. She had already suspected that the softer side of Snape she had come to know would not last once classes began, but she had hoped that he wouldn't return to the snarky bastard he had always been to her up until a few weeks ago. But now, after the state that he had found her in tonight, she knew it would only be a matter of time for him to rail at her for neglecting her duties as a mother.
Severus looked away and muttered, "Go, take your bath. I don't want to see you back out here until you've taken enough time to freshen up."
As Hermione padded back down the hallway, she took another look back at Severus, who was still staring into the fire, and she wondered what he could be thinking.
*****
After he had left Hermione to get some rest, Severus had found himself pacing the living room, thinking about what she said and wondering what he could do to change her mind about leaving.
Pausing for a moment, Severus again noticed the mess that he had walked into. He put the living room back in order with a few quick waves of his wand, and washed days-old dishes that had piled up beside the kitchen sink. Turning down the hallway to see what else she might have neglected this past week, he turned into the bathroom and was struck with an idea. He'd have a hot bath waiting for her when she awoke from her nap. After filling the tub with steaming water, he muttered a charm over the tub to keep the water fresh and hot until she was ready for it.
He returned to the living room and lit the fireplace with his wand, before sitting down and staring into the brilliant flames. His mind once again drifted to Hermione. He had never seen her look so defeated. Judging by the dark circles under her eyes, it looked as though she hadn't slept all week, and he wondered what had happened to the woman that he had come to know over the past couple of weeks. Then he thought of Samuel, as he pondered what a future would be like without him if Hermione chose to leave. He didn't want her to go, but he couldn't force her to stay. He could only hope that he would be able to convince her to give it a few more days before she made up her mind.
He didn't have much time to linger on those thoughts, as he heard Hermione emerge from the bedroom and make her way down the hallway only a few minutes later. He didn't look away from the fire until she sat down and began to stare blankly into the flames along side of him. What was he supposed to say to the distressed woman? They sat together in silence until Hermione finally looked up at him.
"Go take your bath," he ordered, telling her not come back until she had freshened up. He turned back to the fire, waiting until he heard the click of the bathroom door closing before rising to pace the living room once more.
His pacing led him into the kitchen, where he began to rummage through the pantry to find something for her to eat. From the state that the kitchen had been in earlier, he had noticed that the pile of dirty dishes had not been comprised of much more than some water glasses and coffee cups. A few toast crumbs scattered on the table were the only indication that she had eaten anything at all. He shook his head and sighed as he began to throw together something of sustenance for her.
*****
Hermione submerged herself into the steaming bath, reveling in the feel of the luxurious bubbles, allowing her head to slip down beneath the water for a moment. She pulled herself back up, brushing her sopping hair back from her face and the water from her eyes before leaning against the back of the tub and closing her eyes, inhaling deeply as she enjoyed the fresh melon scent of the bubble bath.
She couldn't remember another bath that had ever felt this good, and she allowed herself a good long soak, nearly falling asleep as she let the water ease the tension from her body. By the time she opened her eyes again, the water had begun to cool, and the bubbles had evaporated. She quickly finished washing and shampooing, and sighed regretfully as she rose out of the water to dry off with a fluffy towel.
She retrieved her dressing robe from the back of the door, and returned to the bedroom where she worked diligently to untangle her wet hair. She frowned as she wondered how she had allowed her hair, which only last week had been so luxuriously soft, to become so unkempt. By the time she finished fighting with her ratted locks, her hair had begun to dry and once again flowed down her back in soft waves.
Hermione slipped into a fresh cotton nightgown, putting her dressing robe back on to keep herself warm. As she walked back down the hallway, she noticed that Severus was no longer sitting in front of the fire. In fact, she didn't see him at all. She turned into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, and gasped when she saw the plate of food set out on the table. Severus stepped into the room behind her, startling her as he spoke, "I don't know how you expect to take care of your son if you can't even take care of yourself. Sit... eat."
As hungry as she was, she suddenly didn't have much of an appetite as she began to realize, once again, how much she must have disappointed Severus. Just as she began to pick at her salad, Samuel began to cry... and so did Hermione.
*****
There hadn't been much food in the pantry, and the icebox yielded nothing more than some wilting vegetables and a few leftovers from last weekend. Yet, Severus had somehow managed to salvage enough to put together a small garden salad, which he had topped with some bits of leftover ham that he had found unspoiled.
After he prepared her salad, he had left to Owl the Headmaster, asking him have Remus bring a few days worth of food to the cottage. When he returned, Hermione was standing in the kitchen doorway, staring wide-eyed at the food he had set out on the table.
"Sit... eat." he urged her. Hermione had just sat down at the table and begun picking at her salad when Samuel woke up. Near tears, she began to get up to go to him.
"I thought I told you to eat!" Severus demanded, "I will take care of Samuel."
He walked down the hallway, where he picked up his son and tried to soothe him. Settling him this time was not as easy as it had been earlier that evening, and Severus began to imagine what Hermione must have gone through if the child had been like this all week. When Samuel's crying finally subsided to choked sobs, Severus sat in the rocking chair with him and began to speak quietly to him.
"What are you doing to your mother, child? You need to let her get some sleep!" Samuel began to wail furiously once again, "I've never seen you so unhappy before..." Severus paused and frowned as he began to wonder if something were wrong with the child. It was not like him to cry so furiously.
Severus continued to rock the inconsolable child, looking up as he heard Hermione enter the room.
"Did you eat?" he asked in concern.
She nodded as she whispered, "Yes. Thank you," and held her arms out to take Samuel, "now it's his turn."
Severus handed his son over to Hermione, growing even more concerned when she couldn't get the child to settle down enough to be fed. Finally, after they each took turns rocking, walking, bouncing, and soothing him in any way the knew how, Samuel finally opened his tiny mouth and let Hermione feed him.
"What you must think of me now," she sniffled, "I'm a failure."
"Hermione, I think you are overwhelmed and overtired," he tried to catch her eye, but she kept her gaze averted, looking intently at the child in her arms, "but, in no way, do I think you are a failure."
"Yet, I would have to agree with your earlier statement," he took a deep breath, "you can not continue to do this alone."
Hermione nodded, and said, "I think going to my mother's would be the best thing for me."
Severus shot up out of his seat, trying to hold his temper as he snapped at her, "That is NOT what I am suggesting you do!"
Hermione looked up at him in confusion, "Then what, Severus? I can't stay cooped up in this cottage the rest of the winter like this! I need help with Samuel, and I... I... I just need to get OUT!"
"Hermione, please listen to me..." he began, only to be cut off.
"Being alone all week... nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, alone to care for a child that never sleeps and cries all night... it's just too much!"
"Miss Granger!" Severus snapped, reverting to 'teacher mode' to get her to pay attention, "Stop being so bloody insufferable and give me a chance to speak!"
Hermione blanched. What was happening here? He was treating her like one of his insolent students. She lifted her chin in defiance and said, "You are no longer my teacher, Professor Snape," she hissed, "I will not allow you to speak to me like a child."
"Then I suggest that you stop acting like one!" he sneered as he stalked out of the room.
For anybody who may wonder about it, Hermione's experience with a colicky Samuel is based on my own experience with my first child. I wanted to keep the feelings of helplessness, fatigue, and sense of inadequacy as real as possible. I can't tell you how many times I had to run home to "my mommy", because I had convinced myself that I was a failure as a mother. The reason I wrote Hermione this way is twofold. 1) Plot Device 2) I wanted to show that, even if you're Hermione Granger, there are just some things that you can't learn from a book.
Thank you again to my readers and reviewers. I do hope you that you will all continue to enjoy the story.
As always, all questions, comments, and constructive criticism are welcome if you'd like to leave a review.
*******
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the characters from the books in the series are copyright JK Rowling, and are not being used for profit, only for personal enjoyment.
*************
Chapter 12 ~ "Can't Go On"
The weekend couldn't come soon enough for Severus. The first week back to school had been hell for him. He thought that his classes would keep his mind off of his son, keep him from wondering how Hermione was faring this week by herself. He was confident that she could handle it... after all, this was Hermione Granger. If there was anything she couldn't do, surely she would find the answers in a book. So he immersed himself in his work, hoping that he could keep his mind off of what might be going on in that lonely cottage in the woods.
It wasn't too difficult at first... his mind only wandering between classes or at mealtimes. But the nights were most difficult. By midweek, Severus found himself unable to sleep, and his usually sharp mind began drifting off during classes as well. He was tense, and tired, and a downright bastard by the end of the week. If he had been hard on the students before, his behavior had worsened tenfold.
Merlin forbid that anybody turn in an assignment that was less than perfect. A misspelled word on an essay was enough to earn a loss of house points, any unfortunate student who made the mistake of turning in a vial of incorrectly brewed potion suffered a weeks worth of scrubbing bedpans with Filch, and heaven help this year's "Longbottom" (for there was always at least one student in each year with a knack for melting or exploding cauldrons), as they suffered the worst of his wrath... his sharp tongue. More than one student had fled his classroom in tears that week, earning Severus a conference with the Headmaster by the time the weekend rolled around.
He was looking forward to Saturday, when he was due to visit his son for the first time in nearly a week. By Friday evening he couldn't wait any longer. He left directly after dinner, asking Remus Lupin to keep an eye on the Slytherins, and rushed to Hermione's cottage. His mood worsened as he stepped through the door and looked around at the house's state of disarray. He could hear Samuel crying loudly in the distance, but there was no sign of Hermione. Severus quickly made his way to the bedroom, where he came to a sudden stop in the doorway, inhaling sharply at the sight before him.
Hermione was on the bed, Samuel crying in the crook of her arm, as she lay there staring blankly at the ceiling. He took in her disheveled appearance ~ tangled hair, milk stained T-shirt, and the river of tears running down her face as she shook with sobs.
"Hermione?" his voice went hoarse as he stepped into the room and approached the bed. When she didn't respond, he gently removed Samuel from her arms. After reassuring himself that there was nothing physically wrong with his son, Severus cuddled the child into the warmth of his chest, murmuring a few soft words to him. Samuel's wailing ceased almost instantly, only letting out a few more choked sobs as he began to suck his thumb.
Hermione's eyes drifted to Severus and the child, and she began to sob harder.
Severus raised an eyebrow, demanding, "Hermione? What's wrong?"
"I... I'm..." her voice broke as she continued to sob, "I c-can't do anyth-thing r-right," she hiccupped, "I am a t-t-terrible m-mother."
Severus placed their now-sleeping son into his cradle and left the room, returning a few moments later with a glass of water. He encouraged Hermione to sit up and drink, only speaking again after her hiccups subsided.
"Has it been like this every day?" he asked worriedly, his brow furrowed, and Hermione sniffled as she nodded her head. He handed her a handkerchief as he rose to his feet and looked down at her, "Tell me about it."
"I can't do this anymore, Severus," Hermione whispered.
"What do you mean by that?" he demanded.
"It's just too much, Severus. I... I can't do this alone."
"Get some rest, Hermione," he sighed. As he turned to leave the room, he heard her murmur, "I think... I think I'm going to go... go to my m-mother."
*****
Hermione slept fitfully for an hour, waking up feeling just a bit better than she had for most of the week. She looked over to her son and felt a pang of guilt mixed with relief that he was finally sleeping soundly. She decided to sneak away to wash up while he was still asleep. She hadn't had time to do more than wash her face and brush her teeth most of the past week, and she was hoping that he would spare her at least enough time for a quick shower before he was demanding her attention again.
To her surprise, when she entered the bathroom, she found the tub filled with steaming water and thick, fragrant bubbles. She paused in wonder for a minute before she remembered... Severus was here.
She turned back into the hallway, and down to the living room where she found Severus staring pensively into the fire. He seemed to do a lot of that, she thought as she approached him silently, sitting beside him on the sofa as she, too, began to stare into the flames.
After a few tense moments of silence, she finally looked up at Severus. She forced herself to look at him, and saw his brow furrow as his eyes met with hers, and she knew that he must be terribly disappointed in her. She had already suspected that the softer side of Snape she had come to know would not last once classes began, but she had hoped that he wouldn't return to the snarky bastard he had always been to her up until a few weeks ago. But now, after the state that he had found her in tonight, she knew it would only be a matter of time for him to rail at her for neglecting her duties as a mother.
Severus looked away and muttered, "Go, take your bath. I don't want to see you back out here until you've taken enough time to freshen up."
As Hermione padded back down the hallway, she took another look back at Severus, who was still staring into the fire, and she wondered what he could be thinking.
*****
After he had left Hermione to get some rest, Severus had found himself pacing the living room, thinking about what she said and wondering what he could do to change her mind about leaving.
Pausing for a moment, Severus again noticed the mess that he had walked into. He put the living room back in order with a few quick waves of his wand, and washed days-old dishes that had piled up beside the kitchen sink. Turning down the hallway to see what else she might have neglected this past week, he turned into the bathroom and was struck with an idea. He'd have a hot bath waiting for her when she awoke from her nap. After filling the tub with steaming water, he muttered a charm over the tub to keep the water fresh and hot until she was ready for it.
He returned to the living room and lit the fireplace with his wand, before sitting down and staring into the brilliant flames. His mind once again drifted to Hermione. He had never seen her look so defeated. Judging by the dark circles under her eyes, it looked as though she hadn't slept all week, and he wondered what had happened to the woman that he had come to know over the past couple of weeks. Then he thought of Samuel, as he pondered what a future would be like without him if Hermione chose to leave. He didn't want her to go, but he couldn't force her to stay. He could only hope that he would be able to convince her to give it a few more days before she made up her mind.
He didn't have much time to linger on those thoughts, as he heard Hermione emerge from the bedroom and make her way down the hallway only a few minutes later. He didn't look away from the fire until she sat down and began to stare blankly into the flames along side of him. What was he supposed to say to the distressed woman? They sat together in silence until Hermione finally looked up at him.
"Go take your bath," he ordered, telling her not come back until she had freshened up. He turned back to the fire, waiting until he heard the click of the bathroom door closing before rising to pace the living room once more.
His pacing led him into the kitchen, where he began to rummage through the pantry to find something for her to eat. From the state that the kitchen had been in earlier, he had noticed that the pile of dirty dishes had not been comprised of much more than some water glasses and coffee cups. A few toast crumbs scattered on the table were the only indication that she had eaten anything at all. He shook his head and sighed as he began to throw together something of sustenance for her.
*****
Hermione submerged herself into the steaming bath, reveling in the feel of the luxurious bubbles, allowing her head to slip down beneath the water for a moment. She pulled herself back up, brushing her sopping hair back from her face and the water from her eyes before leaning against the back of the tub and closing her eyes, inhaling deeply as she enjoyed the fresh melon scent of the bubble bath.
She couldn't remember another bath that had ever felt this good, and she allowed herself a good long soak, nearly falling asleep as she let the water ease the tension from her body. By the time she opened her eyes again, the water had begun to cool, and the bubbles had evaporated. She quickly finished washing and shampooing, and sighed regretfully as she rose out of the water to dry off with a fluffy towel.
She retrieved her dressing robe from the back of the door, and returned to the bedroom where she worked diligently to untangle her wet hair. She frowned as she wondered how she had allowed her hair, which only last week had been so luxuriously soft, to become so unkempt. By the time she finished fighting with her ratted locks, her hair had begun to dry and once again flowed down her back in soft waves.
Hermione slipped into a fresh cotton nightgown, putting her dressing robe back on to keep herself warm. As she walked back down the hallway, she noticed that Severus was no longer sitting in front of the fire. In fact, she didn't see him at all. She turned into the kitchen to make herself a cup of tea, and gasped when she saw the plate of food set out on the table. Severus stepped into the room behind her, startling her as he spoke, "I don't know how you expect to take care of your son if you can't even take care of yourself. Sit... eat."
As hungry as she was, she suddenly didn't have much of an appetite as she began to realize, once again, how much she must have disappointed Severus. Just as she began to pick at her salad, Samuel began to cry... and so did Hermione.
*****
There hadn't been much food in the pantry, and the icebox yielded nothing more than some wilting vegetables and a few leftovers from last weekend. Yet, Severus had somehow managed to salvage enough to put together a small garden salad, which he had topped with some bits of leftover ham that he had found unspoiled.
After he prepared her salad, he had left to Owl the Headmaster, asking him have Remus bring a few days worth of food to the cottage. When he returned, Hermione was standing in the kitchen doorway, staring wide-eyed at the food he had set out on the table.
"Sit... eat." he urged her. Hermione had just sat down at the table and begun picking at her salad when Samuel woke up. Near tears, she began to get up to go to him.
"I thought I told you to eat!" Severus demanded, "I will take care of Samuel."
He walked down the hallway, where he picked up his son and tried to soothe him. Settling him this time was not as easy as it had been earlier that evening, and Severus began to imagine what Hermione must have gone through if the child had been like this all week. When Samuel's crying finally subsided to choked sobs, Severus sat in the rocking chair with him and began to speak quietly to him.
"What are you doing to your mother, child? You need to let her get some sleep!" Samuel began to wail furiously once again, "I've never seen you so unhappy before..." Severus paused and frowned as he began to wonder if something were wrong with the child. It was not like him to cry so furiously.
Severus continued to rock the inconsolable child, looking up as he heard Hermione enter the room.
"Did you eat?" he asked in concern.
She nodded as she whispered, "Yes. Thank you," and held her arms out to take Samuel, "now it's his turn."
Severus handed his son over to Hermione, growing even more concerned when she couldn't get the child to settle down enough to be fed. Finally, after they each took turns rocking, walking, bouncing, and soothing him in any way the knew how, Samuel finally opened his tiny mouth and let Hermione feed him.
"What you must think of me now," she sniffled, "I'm a failure."
"Hermione, I think you are overwhelmed and overtired," he tried to catch her eye, but she kept her gaze averted, looking intently at the child in her arms, "but, in no way, do I think you are a failure."
"Yet, I would have to agree with your earlier statement," he took a deep breath, "you can not continue to do this alone."
Hermione nodded, and said, "I think going to my mother's would be the best thing for me."
Severus shot up out of his seat, trying to hold his temper as he snapped at her, "That is NOT what I am suggesting you do!"
Hermione looked up at him in confusion, "Then what, Severus? I can't stay cooped up in this cottage the rest of the winter like this! I need help with Samuel, and I... I... I just need to get OUT!"
"Hermione, please listen to me..." he began, only to be cut off.
"Being alone all week... nowhere to go, nobody to talk to, alone to care for a child that never sleeps and cries all night... it's just too much!"
"Miss Granger!" Severus snapped, reverting to 'teacher mode' to get her to pay attention, "Stop being so bloody insufferable and give me a chance to speak!"
Hermione blanched. What was happening here? He was treating her like one of his insolent students. She lifted her chin in defiance and said, "You are no longer my teacher, Professor Snape," she hissed, "I will not allow you to speak to me like a child."
"Then I suggest that you stop acting like one!" he sneered as he stalked out of the room.
