The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions

Thank you all for your positive reviews. Be sure to let me know if I need any improvements. If you like this story, then you'll probably like "The Matrix Parodies" by Rusty Shackleford. If you don't like this, you'll still probably like "The Matrix Parodies" by Rusty Shacleford. And for all two of you liked The Animatrix, nobody gives a damn.

Disclaimer: Forgot to add this in the first chapter. I do not own The Matrix, 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea, The Ring, and DEFINITELY NOT The Ring: Porno Edition or Marilyn Manson. If you do own Mr. Manson, then I advise you to stay the hell away from me.

2. Enter the Real World

(Neo enters some building, and walks up to a door. Thankfully, he is no longer wearing that Superman costume. I'm still gonna screw with his mind though.)

NEO: Man, I need to take a piss. (looks at sign on door) Oh, this is the girl's room. Oh well.

(He enters the room. Pervert.)

NEO: (looks around) Wait a minute, this isn't the bathroom. This is the Oracle's waiting room. It was here that I met that spoon kid.

FLASHBACK TO MEETING THE SPOON BOY:

SPOON BOY: There is no spoon.

NEO: Huh? Then what the hell am I holding here in my hand?

SPOON BOY: That's a fork.

NEO: Well you didn't have to say it meaningfully like that as if it was all- important information.

END FLASHBACK:

NEO: I never understood that kid.

(That's because you're a stupid dumbass.)

NEO: I thought you were going to leave me alone.

(I control this fic, and everything in it. For example, I can make you do the chicken dance.)

NEO: (does the Macarena).

(What the hell is this?)

NEO: I don't know the chicken dance.

(Um, okay. Shouldn't you jack out or something?)

NEO: But I have to go to the.

(Only in the Matrix. Not in the Real World.)

NEO: Ah, alright.

In Zion.

(The Nebachanezzar enters the gate of Zion. As it lands, complex gears shift into place to close the gate. In the background, you see some guy nailing a board to the wall. The Nebachanezzar opens it's doors, and Neo, his bitch, Link, and Morpheus exit the ship. Mifune comes to meet them with some other captains.)

MIFUNE: Captain Morpheus.

MORPHEUS: (struggling to keep a straight face) Captain Mifune.

(Neo and Link are chuckling behind him.)

MORPHEUS: Are you here to take me the stockade, Captain Mifune. (snickering)

MIFUNE: No, I'm here to take you to Deadbolt's office. He'll probably do it. I'm just here to keep the peace.

CAPTAIN: Commander Lock DEMANDS. (Mifune steps on his foot) requests, your IMMEDIATE presence.

MORPHEUS: You are an asshole.

MIFUNE: Yeah, you are.

(Captain runs off crying, Mifune takes Morpheus to Lock's office.)

LINK: Well, I need to go see my princess. (whistles, Epona the horse comes riding up to him, he mounts his steed and rides off)

TRINITY: Who is he? And what happened to Tank?

NEO: No idea. Let's keep moving before that damn kid finds me.

KID: NEO!

NEO: Shit.

KID: NEO! IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU NEO! I'M SO GLAD THAT YOU'RE BACK! CAN I CARRY YOUR BAG?!

NEO: Sure.

TRINITY: Can you carry mine too?

LINK: (rides up to them) And mine?

(They all give Kid their bags so that he is overburdened. Neo and Trinity walk off towards the elevator, Link rides off. Kid rummages through Neo's bag and pulls out his wallet. He snickers, pockets it, and continues rummaging.)

In the elevator.

(Neo and Trinity wait until the elevator is empty except for them, then they embrace and start kissing. They suddenly separate.)

NEO: Your breath smells like garlic.

TRINITY: Really? I thought that was you.

NEO: What? No way! I brushed my teeth after the last movie.

TRINITY: Oh. And how long ago was that?

NEO: Uhhhhh.

(Six months.)

NEO: You! I thought that you only existed in the Matrix.

(No such luck. Anyway, that's stupid thinking, considering I was haunting you since you woke up this morning.)

NEO: I got hung over, I forgot.

TRINTY: Neo, who are you talking to?

NEO: It's the author.

TRINITY: Neo, we've been through this.

NEO: Have we? I got drunk, so I forgot.

TRINITY: Neo, there's no such thing as an author.

(Yes there is.)

NEO: You stay out of this!

TRINITY: Neo, I'm just trying to help.

NEO: Not you, him!

TRINITY: Who?

NEO: The author!

TRINITY: Urgh! Forget it. This is your problem, I'll let you figure it out. See you at the party tonight. (gets of the elevator)

NEO: Grrr! I hate you! Get out of my head!

(Make me.)

NEO: Y'know what? I will! (takes out machine-gun and empties the clip before remembering that I'm just a voice in his head)

(Dumbass.)

NEO: Damnit! I'm going to go get drunk.

In Lock's office.

(Mifune and Morpheus enter the office, Lock looks up.)

LOCK: (trying to keep a straight face) Thank you Captain Mifune. You may go.

(Mifune leaves, Morpheus and Lock wait until he's gone, then crack up.)

MORPHEUS: MIFUNE! What kind of stupid name is that?!

LOCK: I know, man! Dang!

MORPHEUS: (calms down) Anyway, you wanted to see me?

LOCK: Yeah. You disobeyed a direct order.

MORPHEUS: Really? I don't remember that.

LOCK: I gave you a direct order to return to Zion and to bring me back a Slurpee.

MORPHEUS: No you didn't. And I did return to Zion.

LOCK: Well, I'm thirsty. And I want someone to yell at. I'm going to make a recommendation to the councilors that you be removed from duty.

MORPHEUS: Why? What did I do?

LOCK: Nothing, I just don't like you. I want to make your life miserable.

MORPHEUS: You already stole my girlfriend.

LOCK: Morpheus, you dumped her.

MORPHEUS: Well that's because she cheated me out of $50,000.

LOCK: Really? Shit, I'd better dump her, or she'll cheat me out of my money.

MORPHEUS: By the way, did she tell you?

LOCK: Tell me what?

MORPHEUS: We've got 50,000 sentinels digging into Zion. They'll be here by tomorrow night.

LOCK: Well crap, that sucks. We'd better focus on military tactics, having every ship here in Zion, and protecting our Slurpee machines.

MORPHEUS: That's their target. They ran out of Slurpees, so they've come to pillage ours. With all due respect Commander, there is only one way to protect our Slurpees. Nemo.

LOCK: Nemo? Don't you mean Neo?

MORPHEUS: No. Captain Nemo of the Nautilus has offered his services to the Zion fleet.

LOCK: Isn't Captain Nemo a fictional character?

MORPHEUS: Oh yeah. Crap, now all we have is Neo.

LOCK: Shit.

MORPHEUS: Yes.

(Councilor Hamman enters.)

HAMMAN: Commander, Captain.

MORPHEUS: Councilor.

HAMMAN: The other councilors have asked me to speak tonight after the game. I'm too old and lazy, so Morpheus, you're gonna do it.

MORPHEUS: Very well.

LOCK: Is that really such a good idea Councilor? We do not wish to start a panic.

HAMMAN: Shut up Lock. Morpheus, what would you recommend?

MORPHEUS: Slurpees.

LOCK: Hey!

MORPHEUS: No one will panic, because they'll all have brain freeze and won't hear a word I'm saying anyways. Besides, that army will never reach the gates of Zion.

HAMMAN: What makes you so sure?

MORPHEUS: Nothing, I'm just guessing that they'll take a wrong turn in those confusing tunnels.

HAMMAN: Well, I hope you're right.

MORPHEUS: Good, because I don't believe it to be a matter of time. I believe it to be a matter of hope.

LOCK: No one mentioned time.

MORPHEUS & HAMMAN: Shut up Lock!

In Link's apartment.

(Link approaches his door, ties up the horse next the door, and feeds him a carrot. He then enters the room.)

LINK: Where's my pussy?

CAS: LINK! That was a very inappropriate thing to say in front of the children!

LINK: Yeah, you're right, I'm sorry. (sees kids) Hey!

KIDS: Uncle Link!

LINK: (picks up kids) Wow! You two are so huge, you should be picking me up.

KIDS: No!

LINK: Yeah! Alright, we're gonna have to work together now. One, two, three, lift!

(The kids lift Link off his feet. He bangs his head on the ceiling and falls over on the ground.)

CAS: Good to have you home Link.

LINK: (mumbling) Good to be home.

CAS: You be careful with her.

ZELDA: (from back) Don't worry about me, he's the one who's gonna get it.

CAS: OK, we'll leave you two alone. C'mon kids, we're going to the basketball game.

(Cass and kids leave. Link gets off the ground and walks over to Zelda, rubbing his head.)

LINK: I'm gonna get what?

ZELDA: Every ship out there has been here two, even three times more than the Nebachenezzar.

LINK: That's because Morpheus keeps getting sidetracking on our way home. Anyway, I thought we were past this.

ZELDA: Apparently not. But we'll be past it when you sign up on a different ship.

LINK: I can't do that.

ZELDA: Why not?

LINK: Because I'm too lazy to sign another resignation form. And because the Wachowskis are paying me top dollar to stay on board a ship with a dumbass, a bitch, and a cryptic bald guy.

ZELDA: It's not fair. It's not fair that you get a better part than me, therefore you get paid more than I do.

LINK: Nobody said it was gonna be fair. You think Morpheus thinks it's fair that Jada is playing Niobe and you're not?

ZELDA: Link, Morpheus is crazy.

LINK: No, he's just a little confused with his principles. (Zelda gives him a look) Alright, maybe he is a little crazy, but beggars can't be choosers. And I'm much happier on the Neb than in Hyrule. (shudders)

Later, at the gathering.

HAMMAN: Tonight, let us honor these men. These, our soldiers, our warriors. Give it up for, the Lakers! (loud cheering is heard) And now, for our annal (sniggers from audience) I meant annual, damnit! Annual! For our ANNUAL boring ceremony, I give you Morpheus.

(Morpheus steps up to the podium. Loud cheering.)

MORPHEUS: Silence! Hear me! (cheering continues) Damnit! Shut up! (cheering continues, Morpheus takes out a paper bag, blows air into it, and pops it, there is silence) Now that I have your attention, I shall make my speech. (clears throat) I have a dream, that one day, white people, black people, Chinese people, and machines can live in the same city, without having to go to war over Slurpees! I have a dream that we can share! (cheering)

SOME GUY IN THE BACK: I want my own damn Slurpee.

(Someone throws a rock at the guy in the back, knocking him out.)

MORPHEUS: Um, yeah. Well that's my speech. Bye. (leaves, everyone starts dancing to jungle music)

NIOBE: Hey Morpheus, baby.

MORPHEUS: Shit.

NIOBE: How's it going honey?

MORPHEUS: Oh, uh fine. I'm fine.

NIOBE: (seductively) Damn right you are. Let's dance.

MORPHEUS: I really don't have time-(Niobe lifts up her shirt) Sure, why not?

(Niobe and Morpheus dance. As they do, Niobe sneakily takes his wallet from his back pocket. Neo leans against a pillar antisocially. Trinity approaches him.)

TRINITY: Hello Neo.

NEO: How do you know my name?

TRINITY: I know a lot about you.

NEO: It was you at my computer. How did you do that? Wait a minute, didn't we have this conversation in the last movie?

TRINITY: Yeah, it's like I'm having Déjà vu. They must have changed something in the Matrix.

In the Matrix.

(Some gay guy is crossing the street. Suddenly the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and he gets run over.)

AGENT BOB: (with Déjà vu remote) Hehehehe.

Back in Zion.

TRINITY: Anyway, did you miss me?

NEO: Yeah.

TRINITY: I could tell.

NEO: Then why did you ask?

TRINITY: (shrugs) Well, you ready?

NEO: Yeah, it's just, everyone's here.

(I know. All of these hot, topless females dancing around, yet you have to make love to this bony little bitch. Sucks huh?)

NEO: Bony little bitch?! What?!

TRINITY: What did you just call me?!

NEO: Huh? No, no, I didn't mean-

TRINITY: You just called me a bony bitch! Well fine, if that's how you like it, I'll go find someone else to get hot with! (walks off)

NEO: Trinity, wait! Argh! You! Stop ruining my love life!

(Your love life is only the beginning. Besides, you're probably better off. Think of it as a mercy killer.)

NEO: Oh great. So now who am supposed to get hot with?

(You know, there's more to life than sex.)

NEO: Oh, like what?

(?O_O? You are just plain weird. I'll leave you to it.)

NEO: Why does everyone hate me?!

SOME GIRL: I think you're hot, Neo.

NEO: Shut up! Leave me alone!

(Girl runs away crying. Neo sits on his ass, brooding and feeling sorry for himself. Jackass.)

After the party.

MORPHEUS: Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.

NEIGHBOR: Uh, Morpheus? Who are you talking to?

MORPHEUS: Huh? Oh, uh, my fish! My pet fish. I named him Zion, after our glorious city.

NEIGHBOR: Oh, OK. (starts to leave)

MORPHEUS: (to city) Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.

NEIGHBOR: What was that?

MORPHEUS: Huh? Oh, uh, my cat. I was saying good night to my pet cat, also named Zion, after our glorious city.

NEIGHBOR: Uh, okay. (starts to leave)

MORPHEUS: (to city) Good night Zion. Sweet dreams.

NEIGHBOR: Come again?

MORPHEUS: For the love of-my dog. My pet dog, er, Zion.

NEIGHBOR: How do you keep track of all these animals if they have the same name?

MORPHEUS: Um, hey! It's 10:00! Isn't McGiver on?

NEIGHBOR: Oh God, you're right! (rushes back to his apartment)

MORPHEUS: Finally. Well, good night Zion. Sweet dreams.

OTHER NEIGHBOR: What did you just say?

MORPHEUS: Son of a-

On the next chapter:

Neo re-enters the Matrix.

Neo fights some Asian guy, whom he confuses for Jackie Chan.

Neo gets bored to death by the Oracle.

Neo gets beat to death by countless clones of Smith.

Neo learns of his quest to find the Nut Cracker.

Neo's life is slowly destroyed thanks to me.

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