The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions

I hope that you enjoyed the last chapter. I going to try and update weekly now. If I can stay constant, I should have a new chapter up by every Friday at the latest. Keep in mind that I won't be able to start the Revolutions segment until I get the DVD in April, as I only saw it in theaters once and don't remember it too well. Until then, perhaps I can keep updating with Matrix-themed advertisements or something.

Disclaimer: As is somewhat obvious, I do not own The Matrix, The Legend of Zelda, The Ring, Def Jam, Kill Bill, The Simpsons, or anything else I may throw in here.

3. Mr. Anderton

In the Matrix.

(Bane and Malachi crash through a window that is on the ceiling for some reason. As they land, glass rains down on them.)

MALACHI: You alright.

BANE: (makes a face that shows he is in pain)

MALACHI: What's wrong with you?

BANE: I have a piece of glass up my ass.

MALACHI: (disgusted look) Okay.

BANE: I'll be alright. What matters is this. (holds up envelope) The secret pepperoni formula we stole from Donato's.

MALACHI: Now we can finally get decent pepperoni pizza instead of cheese.

BANE: Yeah. I'm gonna be a second getting this thing out of my butt, so you go first.

MALACHI: (takes envelope, jacks out)

SMITH: (drops down into room, assimilates Bane)

BANE: Oh God.

SMITH: Smith will suffice.

BANE: What the hell does that mean?

SMITH: (shrugs)

(The assimilation finishes, and another Smith is standing where Bane was. Smith straightens Bane/Smith's tie.)

BANE/SMITH: Thank you.

SMITH: No problem. Although, since you were just assimilated, how did you get your tie crooked in the first place?

BANE/SMITH: (uncomfortable look)

SMITH: What?

BANE/SMITH: This guy had a piece of glass shoved up his ass.

SMITH: (disgusted look) Okay.

(Bane/Smith jacks out.)

In Moe's Tavern/Zion.

NEO: (drunk) So I said to him, I said, "You stop ruining my love life!", and he said, "Make me.", so I said, "Y'know what, I will!". Then I took out a machine gun, and I fired randomly into the air until I remembered, he's just a voice in my head!

BARNEY GUMBLE: Oh, yeah. That happens to me all the time.

HOMER SIMPSON: Barney, you don't have a machine gun.

BARNEY: Yeah, well if I did, then that would happen to me all the time. I still hear voices in my head though.

NEO: Oh. And what do they say to you?

BARNEY: Well, that's the key to voices in your head. You've just got to ignore them, is all.

NEO: Huh. Maybe I should try that. Then he won't bother me as much.

(We shall see. We shall see.)

NEO: Hey, it works! I can't hear him anymore!

(Crap.)

MOE: (on the phone) Uh huh. Hold on I'll check. (to bar) I.P. Freely. I'm looking for I.P. Freely. (everyone laughs) Hey wait a minute! (to phone) Why you little-! I'm gonna find you, and skin you alive! (hangs up, phone rings again) Moe's Tavern. Yeah. Hold on. (to bar) Neo. I'm looking for Neo.

NEO: That's me. (Moe gives him the phone) Yeah?

SERAPH: (on the phone) I bring word from the Oracle. You must come at once.

NEO: And who the hell are you?

SERAPH: I can't tell you yet. Just get your ass over here. (hangs up)

NEO: Well, I need to go. See you later guys.

HOMER: Bye Neo. (to Barney) So anyway, what did the voice in your head say before you started to ignore it?

BARNEY: Ah, something about stop drinking so much alcohol and get a life.

HOMER: Oh. Mine said something about come home for your son's birthday, but you're right, ignoring it does work.

In Link's apartment.

(Link is packing up his stuff, Zelda is sitting on her bed.)

LINK: Morpheus said this would happen. I don't know. Maybe the prophecy is true, maybe it's not. All I know is, that ship needs an operator. And some comic relief.

ZELDA: I know. (gives Link a trinket) I want you to have this.

LINK: Zelda.

ZELDA: It's always brought me luck. Maybe it'll bring me you.

LINK: Huh? I'm right here.

ZELDA: See? It works. Hell, just take it for the sake of it.

LINK: (sees that the trinket is the Ocarina of Time) Aw, what the hell.

In the docking bay.

(The Neb crew is getting ready to board. Link has tied up Epona at the stable. Neo and Trinity aren't talking to each other.)

MORPHEUS: (looks at Neo and Trinity) Oh grow up you two.

TRINITY: He called me a bony bitch.

NEO: She dumped me because I ACCIDENTLY called her a bony bitch.

MORPHEUS: How do you accidentally call someone a bitch?

NEO: It wasn't my fault! The author made me do it!

(Technically, no, I didn't. You chose to repeat what I said, so it was really more your fault than mine.)

NEO: Nobody asked you!

MORPHEUS: Neo, I'm just trying to help.

TRINITY: See? See? This is exactly what he did to me.

NEO: But it's not my fault. It's the freaking author!

MORPHEUS: Neo, you know just as well as I do that authors are non-existent. Myths, legends, nothing true. And yet you insist that he's talking to you?

NEO: Yeah.

MORPHEUS: Then why can't we hear him?

NEO: Um, because I'm the One?

MORPHEUS: Well, I guess that kind of makes sense. Whatever. Just kiss and make up you two.

(Neo and Trinity embrace and kiss, then split apart.)

TRINITY: You still haven't brushed your teeth.

MORPHEUS: OK. Get your asses on the ship.

In Chinatown/The Matrix.

(Neo finally jacks back into the Matrix, only to realize that his bladder has remained constant while he was gone.)

NEO: Oh crap! This is so embarrassing.

(He rushes to a bathroom. Once he finishes taking care of business, he takes out his cell phone.)

NEO: (on the phone) Link, I need a download for a change of pants.

LINK: (chuckling) Yeah, we could tell.

NEO: You saw that on the Neb?! I thought it wasn't real!

MORPHEUS: Your mind makes it real.

NEO: Ugh. Déjà vu again.

(On some city street, a blonde is crossing the street, when the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and she gets run over.)

AGENT BOB: (with Déjà vu remote) Hehehehehe.

AGENT BILL: Give me that! (takes Déjà vu remote)

AGENT BOB: Awwww.

AGENT BILL: Damn rookies.

Back in Chinatown.

NEO: Anyway, give me a pants change.

LINK: Now what makes you think I have a download for that?

NEO: What?! You mean I have to walk around with soiled trousers.

LINK, MORPHEUS, & TRINITY: Hahahahahahahaha!

(Hahahahahahahaha!)

NEO: ARGH! I hate you people! (hangs up) And you can just shut up too!

(Hehehe. Oh man, you are just, hehehe.)

NEO: This is your fault. Why didn't you tell me this would happen?

(Why do you think? Hehehe.)

NEO: (tries to keep dignity, walks into the marketplace) Wow. The Japanese a really short.

SOME CHINESE GUY: Damnit! We are Chinese! CHINESE! Not Japanese, Chinese!

NEO: Erm, okay. Chill out dude.

CHINESE GUY: Hey mister. You gotta use the bathroom?

NEO: Urgh! (punches Chinese guy's lights out)

(Hehehehehe.)

NEO: Oh shut up.

(Neo enters some random building, and sees Seraph meditating.)

NEO: Uh, hello.

SERAPH: (stands up)

NEO: Are you the guy who told me to come here over the phone?

SERAPH: (in heavily Asian accent) You seek the Oracle.

NEO: Uh, yeah.

SERAPH: I can take you to her. But first I must apologize.

NEO: For what? Yelling at me over the phone?

SERAPH: No. For this.

NEO: What's THIS?

(Seraph punches Neo in the face. Neo falls over, unconscious.)

5 minutes later.

NEO: (wakes up) What was that for?!

SERAPH: I had to be sure.

NEO: Of what?

SERAPH: That you are the One.

NEO: You had to be sure of that I am the One? That doesn't make grammatical sense.

SERAPH: You're right. Let's try that again. I had to be sure.

NEO: Of what?

SERAPH: Of the fact that you are the One. Better?

NEO: Yeah, but you could have just asked.

SERAPH: You do not truly know someone until you fight them.

NEO: That's a crap philosophy.

SERAPH: Yeah, I know. I was just bored, is all. But anyway, now I know that you are the One.

NEO: How do you figure?

SERAPH: The One can fly and strike fear into the hearts of his enemies. But he is a crap fighter.

NEO: Yeah. Wait, I thought you were the One.

SERAPH: Huh?

NEO: Aren't you Jet Li?

SERAPH: WHAT? I am not!

(Nah, he looks more like Jackie Chan.)

NEO: Eh, I can see the resemblance to Jackie Chan. But I still think he looks like Jet Li.

SERAPH: I am not Chan or Li. I could kick both of their asses.

(Jet Li and Jackie Chan enter.)

JET LI: What was that?!

JACKIE CHAN: Bring it on!

SERAPH: Shit. (turns his back to Neo, passes Jet and Jackie each $20, winking)

JET LI: Oh yeah. This guy. He kicked our asses before.

JACKIE CHAN: Oh yeah. I remember that. Let's get out of here. (leaves with Jet Li)

NEO: I still think he looks like Chow Yun Fat.

(What are you talking about? There's no resemblance between the two.)

NEO: Bruce Lee?

(Neo, Bruce Lee is dead.)

NEO: Oh. Whatever.

SERAPH: Are you done?

NEO: Yeah, sorry.

SERAPH: Now that you're finished talking to yourself, I will take you to the Oracle. (looks down, then back up at Neo) Eh, do you have to go to the bathroom?

NEO: (through clenched teeth) Shut up.

(Hehehehehe.)

SERAPH: (chuckling) Okay, okay. (opens door to hallway, pushes Neo in, closes door behind him)

NEO: WTF?! Where the hell are we?!

SERAPH: Welcome, to the Never-ending Hallway! Also known as the Infinitely Long Hallway, the World of Doors, and the really really long stretchy hallway placey place.

NEO: Right. So these are backdoors?

SERAPH: Yes. (pointing) That's little Jimmy's backdoor, that's Suzy's backdoor, and that's Charlie's backdoor. The rest are program outlets.

NEO: Are you a programmer?

SERAPH: No. I'm a programee.

NEO: (frowns)

SERAPH: That didn't make any sense did it? Alright then, I'm a non- programmer.

NEO: Okay then, what are you?

SERAPH: I protect that which matters most.

NEO: No, see, you did it again. You are protect that which matters most? I asked you what you are, not what you do.

SERAPH: You're right. Ask again.

NEO: What are you?

SERAPH: I am the one who protects that which matters most.

(Seraph opens a door. Inside is Bill Gates in the shower.)

NEO: WTF?!

BILL GATES: Gahh! Seraph, I told you to bring me my coffee after I was out of the shower, AFTER!

SERAPH: He he he. Sorry sir.

BILL: Now get out!

(Seraph closes the door.)

NEO: Perv.

SERAPH: I must know everything I can about my master. Did you know he was programming Windows XP 2 in there?

NEO: While he was in the shower? That's just weird.

SERAPH: Yeah. Anyway, you wanted to see the Oracle?

NEO: Huh? Oh, yeah.

SERAPH: Alright then. (unlocks other door, leading to a park, where the Oracle is sitting on a bench feeding birds, Neo approaches)

ORACLE: Well come on, I'm not gonna bite you.

NEO: (stands next to Oracle)

ORACLE: My, my, look at you. You turned out all right didn't you?

NEO: I've got a-

ORACLE: I know you've got a bone to pick with me.

NEO: Why did you tell me I wasn't the One?

ORACLE: Did I tell you that?

NEO: Yeah. Now I'm confused.

(You're always confused.)

NEO: Would you just-

ORACLE: Why don't you have a sit this time.

NEO: Maybe I'll stand.

ORACLE: (angry) Boy, sit your ass down right now! Didn't your mamma teach you any manners?! Sit down!

NEO: (sits)

ORACLE: (calms down) Anyway, let's get to what we are supposed to talk about.

NEO: OK. Do you know about-

ORACLE: The voice in your head? Yes, I do. It is the author.

NEO: No shit.

ORACLE: Don't you backsaws me boy! I'm the Oracle, damnit!

NEO: Alright, calm down. So, what does he want?

ORACLE: He doesn't have much to do in life other than meditate, play violent games, and predict Armageddon, so he finds pleasure in torturing your existence.

NEO: But why?

ORACLE: He just doesn't like you. Thinks you're a jackass. Don't blame him really, but that's not the point. (offers him corn that she's been feeding birds with) Corn?

NEO: Uh, okay. (takes corn, starts to eat it) You're not human, are you?

ORACLE: Well, it's tough to be as old as I am naturally, so no.

NEO: Then why are you here?

ORACLE: Same reason as you. I hate birds.

NEO: Huh? Then why are you feeding them?

ORACLE: Poisoned corn.

NEO: (spits out the corn at once, choking and gagging, he then notices that all of the birds are dead)

ORACLE: Damn. (Seraph approaches Oracle)

SERAPH: We must go.

ORACLE: Our time is up, so I'll make this quick. You need to find the Source and end the Slurpee war, but to do that you need the Nut Cracker.

NEO: The., what, sorry?

ORACLE: The Nut Cracker. He's being held hostage by the Merovingian. Be at his Chateau, at exactly 3:00, and you may have a chance. Bye. (leaves with Seraph)

NEO: (shakes his head, turns around to see Smith)

SMITH: (stepping on dead birds) Mr. Anderton.

NEO: It's Anderson.

SMITH: Whatever. Did you get my package?

NEO: .., you mean you sent me that tacky Christmas sweater?

SMITH: What the hell? No, the other package.

NEO: Oh, the CD player. Yeah, I got it.

SMITH: Good. Can I have it back?

NEO: No.

SMITH: What? Give me my damn CD player!

NEO: Alright, alright. Touchy. (gives Smith the CD player)

SMITH: Thank you.

NEO: Wait a minute. Aren't you supposed to be dead.

SMITH: Yes, but the Wachowskis resurrected me for some stupid, unexplained reason. Not that different from your old operator.

NEO: So they traded Tank for bringing you back?

SMITH: Yeah, I guess they were too lazy to come up with a new chief villain.

NEO: So do you know who our new operator is? He's a tall, black guy with braids, long ears, and a green tunic.

SMITH: (nods and tosses Neo a copy of Zelda: Ocarina of Time)

NEO: (whistles) Wow, when Morpheus finds out about this-

SMITH: We're getting off subject.

NEO: So?

SMITH: So typical of you Mr. Anchorson, acting like a fool.

NEO: It's Anderson.

SMITH: Whatever.

(Ludacris enters.)

LUDACRIS: Did somebody say act a fool?

NEO: Hey Cris, my man!

LUDACRIS: Wassup, my homie!

(They do that secret handshake thing that black people do.)

NEO: What're you doing here?

LUDACRIS: Man dog, Morpheus freed my mind. Like wow!

NEO: Cool.

LUDACRIS: So, did I hear someone say act a fool?

SMITH: That was me.

NEO & LUDACRIS: (sing Ludacris' song "Act a Fool")

(I don't remember the lyrics, but you know what I mean.)

NEO & LUDACRIS: (finish singing)

(You.cannot.sing.)

NEO: Shut up. You're just jealous.

(snort)

LUDACRIS: Yo Neo, man, who you talking to?

NEO: The author, my own inner critic.

LUDACRIS: Whatever man, it's cool. (looks down, then back up at Neo) Eh, you need to use the bathroom?

NEO: (through clenched teeth) Please be quiet.

(Hehehehehe. I never get tired of that.)

LUDACRIS: (chuckling) Uh huh. All right man. (sits on bench to watch the proceedings)

SMITH: ANYWAY, since we just wasted enough time there, I'll make this quick so we can fight. I can copy myself, blah blah blah, something about purpose, blah blah blah, time to take what you took from us.

NEO: What "us"?

SMITH: (taps his foot and checks his watch) Now.

(9 more Smiths enter the park.)

SMITH: There, let's just do this thing.

(Smith assimilates Neo, Neo fights it off, the Burly Brawl (what a stupid name) begins.)

(Neo and the Smiths fight. Neo grabs one of the Smiths and flips him toward the others. 5 of them dodge it, then the 6th guy gets hit and falls over. Bet he feels like an idiot. The fight continues. During several hilarious moments, Neo sends one of the Smiths flying into the air. A lady with her groceries walks past, then turns into Agent Bill, who starts to head toward the fight, when he is stopped by Smith.)

AGENT BILL: You.

SMITH: Yes, me.

(The Bride enters.)

AGENT BILL: You!

THE BRIDE: Bill! You bastard! I'll fucking cut you down, you piece of shit!

AGENT BILL: Crap!

(Smith assimilates Agent Bill, and they both run towards the battle, followed by about 38 other Smiths.)

THE BRIDE: Which one is Bill?! Argh! I'll just kill all of them!

(The Bride enters the battle and starts killing all of the Smiths with her katana. Neo and all of the Smiths are constantly being punched in the face, but for some reason their glasses don't break. Neo gets knocked into the bench Ludacris is sitting on. Ludacris quickly jumps off to avoid being crushed.)

LUDACRIS: Man dogs, you don't just knock my homie around like that!

(Ludacris joins the fight, fighting the Smiths with wrestling moves courtesy of Def Jam Vendetta. Neo picks himself up and rips a stop sign out of the ground, twirling it around menacingly. The Smiths, the Bride, and Ludacris all stare at him with a "WTF?!" look on their faces. Neo begins to fight them with the stop sign as a weapon as 50 more Smiths enter. Neo, Ludacris, and the Bride are kicking the Smiths' asses, until they bend Neo's stop sign in half, then dog pile the three of them. Suddenly, everyone's sunglasses combust.)

SMITHS: Oh well, it was inevitable, Mr. Akerthan.

NEO: It's Anderson! (breaks free of dog pile, Smiths go fling into the air)

SMITHS: (flying through the air) Whaaaateeeeveeeeeer.

(Neo grabs Ludacris and the Bride and flies out of there.)

THE BRIDE: I'll get you Bill!

(Smith watches them fly away. Then turns to his copies.)

SMITH: Well, that's that. Who wants pizza?

SMITHS: (all at once) ME!

On the Neb.

(Neo wakes up, and sees Ludacris and the Bride are also waking up.)

NEO: Huh? What are they doing here?

MORPHEUS: We got tired of waiting for you, so we freed a few more minds. Now we have more crew positions filled.

NEO: Uh huh. Alright, now if you'll excuse me.(shambles off to the bathroom)

THE BRIDE: Is Bill on this ship?

LINK: Erm, no.

THE BRIDE: I'll fucking kill him!

TRINITY: Uh, okay.

(Everyone edges away from the Bride.)

On the next chapter:

Neo and co. meet the Merovingian

Neo has to kiss his slutty wife

Neo finds the Nut Cracker

Neo's friends do a cool car chase scene without him

Neo is plagued by my meddling in his life

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