The Modem Reloaded/Revolutions
I would appreciate it if I could get a few more reviews. I like to know if my work is enjoyed or hated, and if the latter is so, how I can sculpt it to make it a bit more enjoyable. So, um, is anyone else looking forward to The Matrix Online? Alright, I'll stop stalling. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy, and please review.
Disclaimer: I probably do look like I own The Matrix, but I don't. I also don't own Def Jam, Kill Bill, The Simpsons, The Ring, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or anything else I put in here.
4. The Nut Cracker
In the Zion meeting chamber...
LOCK: The machines will breach the Zion dock at, meh, 12:00 midnight. We're fucked if we can't get every single ship we have in those tunnels and launch our EMPs right up the sentinels' asses.
HAMMAN: Shut up Lock. That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard of. It'll never work.
LOCK: It could...
HAMMAN: No, it couldn't. It would be too easy, and not dramatic enough. We all know that someone would sabotage the operation.
BANE: (looks around whistling)
LOCK: Well, does anyone have a better idea?
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)
KID: (quietly sneaks up next to Niobe, and passes her Neo, Trinity, and Link's credit cards, winking)
NIOBE: (takes the cards, passes Kid $50, winking)
LOCK: Alright then. We'll go with my plan.
COUNCILORS: (whispering to each other) He's getting his way, quick, we need to find a way to piss him off.
HEAD COUNCILOR: Commander Lock, we think you're plan is full of crap and is going to fail miserably, but we've decided to let you fuck yourself. However, has there been any word from the Nebachanezzar?
LOCK: No, no word. Considering they only left about an hour ago, I don't know why you're worrying.
HEAD COUNCILOR: We need Neo here as a back up when your plan inevitably screws over. I believe that we should send a ship to assertain the fate of the One.
LOCK: This is crazy.
HAMMAN: Careful, Commander.
LOCK: Say what?! You people swear up a storm, then tell me to be careful when I say this is crazy?!
HAMMAN: I mean you should be careful when calling our plan crazy, or we'll have to beat your ass.
LOCK: Forgive my frustration, Councilor. It's just I have no idea what the word "assertain" means.
HAMMAN: We don't care. Send a ship or two to find the Neb.
LOCK: It could take a single ship days to find them.
HAMMAN: That's why I said to send two, dumbass.
LOCK: Our defenses cannot suffer the loss of two ships.
HAMMAN: Too damn bad. Any of you captains brave enough to find the Neb?
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)
HAMMAN: Would someone get rid of those damn crickets!
SOREN: (stands up) Captain Soren of the Icaris will answer the councilors call.
HAMMAN: Thank you, Captain Soren, for volunteering to help find the Neb.
SOREN: The Neb? I was talking about the crickets.
HAMMAN: Tough shit. Anyone else?
NIOBE & GHOST: (whispering to each other)
HEAD COUNCILOR: Is there no other?
LOCK: It would be hard for any man to risk his life for no good reason.
NIOBE: (stands up, pissed off) Just because of that sexist comment, Captain Niobe of the Logos will answer the councilor's call.
HAMMAN: Thank you for volunteering to exterminate the crickets.
NIOBE: I was talking about the Neb.
HAMMAN: Suit yourself. (to self) Crap, now I'll have to do it.
In the Matrix...
(Like a pack of salmon, Morpheus and his crew move against the crowd, the only people going that way. They get on the elevator, but forbid anyone else to get on.)
GUY: (as the doors close) Jackass.
MORPHEUS: Dickwipe.
(Everyone stares at him, then shakes their head.)
MORPHEUS: (checks watch) We made good time getting here. It's exactly 3:00.
(They get off the elevator and go to the reservationist.)
RESERVATIONIST: Vuish bu da de?
NEO: Bless you.
LUDACRIS: Your mama.
THE BRIDE: Where's Bill?!
TRINITY: WTF?
MORPHEUS: Yes. We're here to see the Merovingian.
TRINITY: You understand French?
MORPHEUS: No, I was agreeing with you.
RESERVATIONIST: He's been expecting you. But you're late!
MORPHEUS: What? No we're not! We're just on time!
RESERVATIONIST: Wrong. It is in fact, 3:01! You are late!
NEO: By one minute? That's pretty crappy.
RESERVATIONIST: Meh, you're right. No one will really care anyway. Follow me.
(He takes them to the table in the restraunt where the Merovingian is sitting with his wife and his henchmen, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface, and two albino dreadlock twins who are giving off an odor. They all sit down.)
MEROVINGIAN: Ah ha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself. Right?
NEO: I think so.
(Dumbass.)
NEO: Shut up.
MEROVINGIAN: Wha-? Never mind. And the legendary Morpheus.
NEO: (snorts)
FREDDY: (to Morpheus) You look kind of familiar.
MEROVINGIAN: And of course (someone whispers in his ear) Trinity. And, (to Ludacris and the Bride) who the hell are you two?
LUDACRIS: Some call me Ludacris, some call me Mr. Wiggles.
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. And you?
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!
MEROVINGIAN: What? No.
THE BRIDE: (to Freddy) Are you Bill?!
FREDDY: (clicks his claws menacingly) No.
THE BRIDE: (to Jason) Are you Bill?!
JASON: (is scratching his ass, not paying attention)
FREDDY: No. (pointing to Michael, who is sitting with a blank expression on his face) Neither is he. (pointing to Leatherface, who is giving himself a haircut with his chainsaw) And neither is he. So I advise you to shut the fuck up, bitch.
THE BRIDE: You want to start something?!
FREDDY: Bring it on bitch!
THE BRIDE: (sees Bill Gates in the restraunt) Bill! I found you, you bastard!
BILL GATES: Shit! She found me! Help me Seraph!
SERAPH: (sitting next to Bill Gates) Yes sir. (to the Bride) This is not the Bill you seek. The one you seek is just out here. I can take you to him. (takes the Bride outside the restraunt)
THE BRIDE: (voice from outside) Well?! Where is he?!
SERAPH: (voice from outside) First I must apologize.
THE BRIDE: For what?!
SERAPH: For this.
(Loud ass kicking noises are heard. Seraph returns to his seat, looking satisfied. Morpheus's cell phone rings.)
MORPHEUS: (on the phone) What is it Link?
LINK: (on the phone) Sir, the Bride is dead.
MORPHEUS: Well good riddance. (hangs up)
MEROVINGIAN: Any motherfucking way, what can I do for you people?
MORPHEUS: We are looking for the, um, Nut Cracker.
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. How much you willing to pay for him?
MORPHEUS: Well, let's see. (reaches for his wallet, but it isn't there) WTF?! Where's my wallet?!
NEO: Chill out. I'll pay for him. (reaches for his wallet, it isn't there) Hey, my wallet's gone too!
TRINITY: (checks) So is mine!
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers it.)
LINK: (over phone) Mine too!
MORPHEUS: Shut up Link, no one asked you. (hangs up)
NEO: Huh. Well, is there another way we could work this?
MEROVINGIAN: Tough luck. Look over there.
(They look and see a woman sitting at a table.)
MEROVINGIAN: Look at that woman. My God, just look at her.
NEO: Aren't you already married? Should you really be looking at other women?
PERSEPHONE: Yeah!
MEROVINGIAN: Um, anyway, see that cake she's about to eat? I filled it with laxatives.
NEO: Sicko.
MEROVINGIAN: No, watch.
(The woman eats the cake, then looks sick, and then she lets loose an extremely noisy outburst of flatulence. Everyone else in the restraunt looks at her, and starts laughing. The Merovingian and his henchmen laugh their heads off. Neo cracks up. Bill Gates and Seraph are laughing like crazy. Morpheus is struggling very hard not to laugh. Then she lets out another one, even louder than the first, and everyone cracks up twice as hard. It's amazing how some people are so amused by bathroom humor.)
NEO: Shut up, you laugh your ass off when I stained myself.
(I was laughing at your displeasure, not the stain itself.)
NEO: Whatever.
(The twins are laughing strangely at the same time. Everyone stops laughing and stares at them with a weird expression.)
TWINS: What?
(The woman leaves, with a brown spot on the rear of her dress.)
MEROVINGIAN: (sighs) Ah, good times, good times.
TRINITY: Did that have any relevance at all to what we were talking about?
MEROVINGIAN: No, not really. It was pretty funny though. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some real business to attend to, so bye.
PERSEPHONE: Where are you going?
MEROVINGIAN: I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. So scram. (leaves)
(The Merovingian's henchmen see the Neb crew to the elevator. As the door closes, one of the twins makes a kissy face at Trinity, and gets his lips stuck in the door.)
FREDDY: (to Twin #1) Well? Help your brother out.
TWIN #1: (helps Twin #2 get his lips out of the elevator door, Twin #2's lips are now sagging)
TWIN #2: Man, that's not cool.
TWIN #1: No it isn't.
In elevator...
NEO: Well, that didn't go very well. It was kind of funny though.
MORPHEUS: Neo, don't be so inappropriate.
NEO: Shut up, you were laughing with the best of us.
MORPHEUS: Er, so, did the Oracle say anything else?
NEO: Nope. She was a bit vague on the whole. She went on about birds and crap like that.
TRINITY: Did we do something wrong?
LUDACRIS: Yeah, man, we kept getting off topic and shit.
TRINITY: Shut up, you're not even supposed to be here.
(Well, I can take care of that.)
LUDACRIS: (disappears in a puff of black smoke)
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers.)
LINK: Sir, Ludacris has just vanished from the entire Matrix.
MORPHEUS: We know that, Link. Throw out the dead bodies.
LINK: Yes sir.
(Link dumps the dead bodies out of the Neb. Later, some sentinels find them.)
SENTINEL: Cool! Dead humans! Let's take them to Duex Ex Machina and say we killed them!
(The Bride opens her eyes.)
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!
SENTINEL: WTF?! No. On second thought, let's just leave them here.
Back in the Matrix...
(The elevator doors open, and Persephone is waiting for them.)
PERSEPHONE: If you want the Nut Cracker, follow me.
(They follow her into the men's room, where a man is using it.)
PERSEPHONE: Get out.
BEN STILLER: Alright, alright, geez. Just let me wash my hands. Don't want to risk getting germs or anything.
PERSEPHONE: OUT!
(Ben Stiller leaves.)
PERSEPHONE: OK, I'll make this quick, since Trinity and I aren't supposed to be in here. I'll give you the Nut Cracker if Neo makes out with me.
TRINITY: What?! Hell no!
NEO: This sounds suspicious. How can I trust you?
PERSEPHONE: If I don't give you the Nut Cracker, she can shoot me.
TRINITY: (quickly grabs her gun and levels it at Persephone's head)
NEO: Alright. (kisses Persephone)
PERSEPHONE: Terrible. Just forget it.
TRINITY: YEAH!
PERSEPHONE: Oh crap.
(Trinity shoots Persephone down. Yeah, bitch power! They grab the key to the Nut Cracker's cell from Persephone's purse and leave. Neo opens the door to the Nut Cracker's cell and opens it. Inside there are shelves upon shelves of wooden nutcrackers. Sitting at a table is an old Chinese man. He stands up walks over to Neo, and kicks him in the nuts. Neo bends over in pain clutching his sac. Ha ha.)
NEO: Shut...up...
NUTCRACKER: (managing to keep a straight face) I'm the Nut Cracker. I've been waiting for you.
(The group leaves and enters the main hall, where they meet the Merovingian and his cronies.)
MEROVINGIAN: Oh gocien no spiol moca ren.
NEO: Bless you.
MORPHEUS: Your mama!
TRINITY: WTF?!
MORPHEUS: Yes.
MEROVINGIAN: OK, that was weird. (to twins) You two, get the Nut Cracker.
(There is a loud farting sound as the twins ghost into fart gas. Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, the Nut Cracker, and the Merovingian all hold their noses. Freddy tries to hold his nose, but accidentally slices his nose off. Leatherface doesn't have a real nose, and Jason tries to hold his nose through his hockey mask, but to no avail. Michael just stands there, not doing anything.)
TRINITY: (through held nose) That's a nasty trick.
TWINS: (ghost through the floor, everyone can breathe again)
NUTCRACKER: I cannot go back! (runs away)
NEO: Get him, I'll handle this. (Morpheus and Trinity leave)
MEROVINGIAN: Handle us. You'll handle us. You know your predecessors had a lot more respect.
NEO: My whats?
MEROVINGIAN: Um, nothing.
(Freddy, Jason, Michael, and Leatherface all take out machine guns and open fire upon Neo. Neo holds up his hand to repel them, but gets hit by every single bullet. They run out of ammo, and Neo is lying in a heap on the floor, covered with bullet-holes. Sucker. He stands up.)
NEO: Is it over?
(They all reload and continue firing at Neo. When they are completely out of ammo, Neo stands up, trembling, his clothing tattered, bullet-holes all over his body.)
FREDDY: Why won't you die?!
(They all drop their guns and pick up their machetes, knives, and chainsaws, and attack Neo. Neo fights them, dodging all of their attacks, never having the common sense to grab one of the plentiful weapons hanging on the wall. Leatherface slashes at Neo with his chainsaw, but Neo leaps over the blow, causing Leatherface to accidentally cut Michael's head off.)
MICHAEL: (head rolling along the floor) Now that was just uncalled for.
(Jason slashes at Neo with his machete, and Neo blocks the blow with his hand, then kicks Jason into the wall. His hand is bleeding.)
MEROVINGIAN: You see he's just a man.
NEO: Oh yeah? (to Freddy) Well you're just a crusty boogeyman, (to Jason) and you're just a really pissed off goalie, (to Leatherface) you're just a leather addict in an apron, (to Michael) and you, well, I have no idea what the hell you are. (to Merovingian) And YOU! You're French!
MEROVINGIAN: Kill him.
(Neo finally has the common sense to grab a sword. He fights of Jason with it as they move up the stairs. He then impales Jason and pushes him off the ledge. He jumps down, and Freddy and Leatherface jump after him. Freddy tries to slash at Neo, but accidentally rips Leatherface's brains out. Freddy grabs the chainsaw and slashes wildly at Neo. He loses his balance and falls on his ass. Neo grabs the chainsaw and cuts Freddy's head in half.)
MEROVINGIAN: Damnit, I always knew crusty boogeymen would be the end of me. Mark my words, boy. I have survived your predecessors, and I will survive you.
(The Merovingian turns around and walks into the door. Rubbing his head, he opens the door, enters it, and closes it behind him. Neo opens the door to find himself in the mountains.)
NEO: Crap. I'm in middle-earth.
GANDALF: You must be the one who must take the One Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it.
NEO: Hell no! I've got enough to deal with without this shit. (pushes Gandalf off the ledge)
GANDALF: Noooooooooooooooooooo...
NEO: (on the phone) What's happening Link?
LINK: You're not going to believe this, but you're not even in this world any more.
NEO: Really? (sticks his head back in the door)
LINK: Now you are.
NEO: (sticks his head back out)
LINK: Now you're not. Now you are. Now you're-Stop that!
NEO: Hey, don't talk like that to me, or I'll bust you. I've got a copy of this game you were in.
LINK: Anything you want, ANYTHING!
NEO: Well-
In the parking lot...
(The Nut Cracker enters the parking lot, followed by Trinity and Morpheus, who proves his common sense is greater than Neo's by grabbing a katana. The twins are chasing them.)
NUTCRACKER: Close the door! Quick!
(Trinity closes the door before the twins can reach it.)
TWIN #1: Well crap. Now we're screwed.
TWIN #2: Yes we are. Why didn't you stick your arm in the way of the door or something?
TWIN #1: I don't know. Probably should have, huh? Well now the boss is gonna kill us.
TWIN #2: Yes he is.
TWIN #1: Unless, we go into hiding and don't show up for the next movie. Then he won't be able to kill us. We're pointless characters anyway.
TWIN #2: Yes we are.
TWIN #1: Do you have to agree with everything I say?
TWIN #2: Well excuse me for trying to be a good brother.
TWIN #1: That's not being a good brother, that's just being annoying.
TWIN #2: Well fine then. Screw you.
In the mountains...
LINK: OK, and that's my credit card number and-, oh shit!
NEO: What?
LINK: Those twin things aren't going after Morpheus and Trinity!
NEO: So? Isn't that a good thing?
LINK: No, because that means that there won't be a really cool freeway chase scene. And agents are after them!
NEO: So? Sure, they were the big deal in the last movie, but no one cares about them now. They probably won't even show up in the next movie.
LINK: Well, how was I meant to know. I wasn't even here for the first movie! Anyway, they'll probably need a pick up.
NEO: Where are they?
LINK: On the freeway, 900 miles due south or something like that.
(Neo flies off to find his comrades.)
On the freeway...
(Morpheus, Trinity, and the Nut Cracker are standing on a bridge overlooking the freeway.)
MORPHEUS: How'd we get here?
TRINITY: Beats me.
MORPHEUS: Well get him out of here.
NUTCRACKER: What am I, a sack of potatoes to be lugged around at people's leisure?
TRINITY: Shut up. Morpheus, what are you going to do?
MORPHEUS: I'm just going to stand here with my sword dramatically for several minutes, while you grab a motorcycle and take him as far as you can, then you turn around and come right back where you came from. Then I'll jump on a truck, we'll meet, you'll give him to me and go off by yourself, while I fight an agent and get saved by Neo.
TRINITY: That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard in my life. How about you go on the truck with him and fight the agent, while I save my own ass by going on the motorcycle, then Neo saves you. That will be much quicker.
MORPHEUS: What, and deny the audience a cool car chase?
TRINITY: The audience doesn't give a shit.
AUDIENCE: Yes we do!
TRINITY: It's sad how people go to the movies then yell at the characters on screen.
(My friend Carl is whistling right now.)
MORPHEUS: Trinity, you're acting like a fool.
(Ludacris enters.)
LUDACRIS: (opens his mouth)
TRINITY: Shut up. Go away.
(Ludacris pouts and leaves.)
MORPHEUS: (grabs the Nut Cracker and jumps onto a passing truck)
NUTCRACKER: You people are crazy!
(Trinity jumps onto a passing motorcycle and rides off, and an agent materializes out of nowhere and lands on the truck.)
AGENT JACK: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.
MORPHEUS: And you are?
AGENT JACK: A Jack. Agent Jack.
MORPHEUS: You all look the same to me. Hey wait, Déjà vu.
(On some city street, a Muslim is crossing the street, when the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and he gets run over.)
SMITH/AGENT BILL: Sweet! This guy had the Déjà vu remote!
SMITH: Lucky bastard.
(Back on the truck, Agent Jack is kicking Morpheus' ass. Morpheus remembers that he has a katana, and he starts kicking Agent Jack's ass with it until he accidentally drops it off the truck.)
MORPHEUS: Crap.
(Agent Jack kicks Morpheus off the truck. He hits the street running and falls on his face, then flips onto a car because of friction. It turns out to be Niobe's car.)
NIOBE: Well, what were the odds of that? Hey baby.
MORPHEUS: YOU! You stole my wallet!
NIOBE: Shit. Um, you see I...
MORPHEUS: Get me to the front of the truck.
NIOBE: Sure. (drives him to the front of the truck)
(Morpheus leaps off the car onto the truck in a kicking position, aiming to kick Agent Jack off. He instead kicks the Nut Cracker, and the two of them go flying off the truck into a car. Agent Jack stands there, confused, then sees the other truck coming at him.)
AGENT JACK: Shit.
(The trucks collide, and Agent Jack goes flying. Neo flies down and catches him, then flies him up away from the explosion.)
NEO: Wait a minute. You're not Morpheus!
(He drops the agent into the explosion.)
AGENT JACK: Nooooooooooooooooooo...
(Dumbass.)
NEO: You again! I thought you were finally going to leave me alone!
(Dare to dream.)
NEO: Whatever...
(Neo flies down to a parked car, with Morpheus and the Nut Cracker laying unconscious through the windshield. Neo grabs them and flies away.)
BEN STILLER: I am going to sue you for this! My insurance does not cover PMS!
On the next chapter...
Neo and co. plan to destroy a power plant, but it never happens.
Neo revisits the Never-Ending Hallway.
Neo watches as the prologue re-enacts itself.
Neo and I meet face to face.
Neo learns of the modem.
I leave you with a crappy cliffhanger.
Please Review
I would appreciate it if I could get a few more reviews. I like to know if my work is enjoyed or hated, and if the latter is so, how I can sculpt it to make it a bit more enjoyable. So, um, is anyone else looking forward to The Matrix Online? Alright, I'll stop stalling. Here's the next chapter. Enjoy, and please review.
Disclaimer: I probably do look like I own The Matrix, but I don't. I also don't own Def Jam, Kill Bill, The Simpsons, The Ring, A Nightmare on Elm Street, Friday the 13th, Halloween, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, or anything else I put in here.
4. The Nut Cracker
In the Zion meeting chamber...
LOCK: The machines will breach the Zion dock at, meh, 12:00 midnight. We're fucked if we can't get every single ship we have in those tunnels and launch our EMPs right up the sentinels' asses.
HAMMAN: Shut up Lock. That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard of. It'll never work.
LOCK: It could...
HAMMAN: No, it couldn't. It would be too easy, and not dramatic enough. We all know that someone would sabotage the operation.
BANE: (looks around whistling)
LOCK: Well, does anyone have a better idea?
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)
KID: (quietly sneaks up next to Niobe, and passes her Neo, Trinity, and Link's credit cards, winking)
NIOBE: (takes the cards, passes Kid $50, winking)
LOCK: Alright then. We'll go with my plan.
COUNCILORS: (whispering to each other) He's getting his way, quick, we need to find a way to piss him off.
HEAD COUNCILOR: Commander Lock, we think you're plan is full of crap and is going to fail miserably, but we've decided to let you fuck yourself. However, has there been any word from the Nebachanezzar?
LOCK: No, no word. Considering they only left about an hour ago, I don't know why you're worrying.
HEAD COUNCILOR: We need Neo here as a back up when your plan inevitably screws over. I believe that we should send a ship to assertain the fate of the One.
LOCK: This is crazy.
HAMMAN: Careful, Commander.
LOCK: Say what?! You people swear up a storm, then tell me to be careful when I say this is crazy?!
HAMMAN: I mean you should be careful when calling our plan crazy, or we'll have to beat your ass.
LOCK: Forgive my frustration, Councilor. It's just I have no idea what the word "assertain" means.
HAMMAN: We don't care. Send a ship or two to find the Neb.
LOCK: It could take a single ship days to find them.
HAMMAN: That's why I said to send two, dumbass.
LOCK: Our defenses cannot suffer the loss of two ships.
HAMMAN: Too damn bad. Any of you captains brave enough to find the Neb?
(Crickets chirp in the silence.)
HAMMAN: Would someone get rid of those damn crickets!
SOREN: (stands up) Captain Soren of the Icaris will answer the councilors call.
HAMMAN: Thank you, Captain Soren, for volunteering to help find the Neb.
SOREN: The Neb? I was talking about the crickets.
HAMMAN: Tough shit. Anyone else?
NIOBE & GHOST: (whispering to each other)
HEAD COUNCILOR: Is there no other?
LOCK: It would be hard for any man to risk his life for no good reason.
NIOBE: (stands up, pissed off) Just because of that sexist comment, Captain Niobe of the Logos will answer the councilor's call.
HAMMAN: Thank you for volunteering to exterminate the crickets.
NIOBE: I was talking about the Neb.
HAMMAN: Suit yourself. (to self) Crap, now I'll have to do it.
In the Matrix...
(Like a pack of salmon, Morpheus and his crew move against the crowd, the only people going that way. They get on the elevator, but forbid anyone else to get on.)
GUY: (as the doors close) Jackass.
MORPHEUS: Dickwipe.
(Everyone stares at him, then shakes their head.)
MORPHEUS: (checks watch) We made good time getting here. It's exactly 3:00.
(They get off the elevator and go to the reservationist.)
RESERVATIONIST: Vuish bu da de?
NEO: Bless you.
LUDACRIS: Your mama.
THE BRIDE: Where's Bill?!
TRINITY: WTF?
MORPHEUS: Yes. We're here to see the Merovingian.
TRINITY: You understand French?
MORPHEUS: No, I was agreeing with you.
RESERVATIONIST: He's been expecting you. But you're late!
MORPHEUS: What? No we're not! We're just on time!
RESERVATIONIST: Wrong. It is in fact, 3:01! You are late!
NEO: By one minute? That's pretty crappy.
RESERVATIONIST: Meh, you're right. No one will really care anyway. Follow me.
(He takes them to the table in the restraunt where the Merovingian is sitting with his wife and his henchmen, Freddy Krueger, Jason Voorhees, Michael Myers, Leatherface, and two albino dreadlock twins who are giving off an odor. They all sit down.)
MEROVINGIAN: Ah ha, here he is at last. Neo, the One himself. Right?
NEO: I think so.
(Dumbass.)
NEO: Shut up.
MEROVINGIAN: Wha-? Never mind. And the legendary Morpheus.
NEO: (snorts)
FREDDY: (to Morpheus) You look kind of familiar.
MEROVINGIAN: And of course (someone whispers in his ear) Trinity. And, (to Ludacris and the Bride) who the hell are you two?
LUDACRIS: Some call me Ludacris, some call me Mr. Wiggles.
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. And you?
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!
MEROVINGIAN: What? No.
THE BRIDE: (to Freddy) Are you Bill?!
FREDDY: (clicks his claws menacingly) No.
THE BRIDE: (to Jason) Are you Bill?!
JASON: (is scratching his ass, not paying attention)
FREDDY: No. (pointing to Michael, who is sitting with a blank expression on his face) Neither is he. (pointing to Leatherface, who is giving himself a haircut with his chainsaw) And neither is he. So I advise you to shut the fuck up, bitch.
THE BRIDE: You want to start something?!
FREDDY: Bring it on bitch!
THE BRIDE: (sees Bill Gates in the restraunt) Bill! I found you, you bastard!
BILL GATES: Shit! She found me! Help me Seraph!
SERAPH: (sitting next to Bill Gates) Yes sir. (to the Bride) This is not the Bill you seek. The one you seek is just out here. I can take you to him. (takes the Bride outside the restraunt)
THE BRIDE: (voice from outside) Well?! Where is he?!
SERAPH: (voice from outside) First I must apologize.
THE BRIDE: For what?!
SERAPH: For this.
(Loud ass kicking noises are heard. Seraph returns to his seat, looking satisfied. Morpheus's cell phone rings.)
MORPHEUS: (on the phone) What is it Link?
LINK: (on the phone) Sir, the Bride is dead.
MORPHEUS: Well good riddance. (hangs up)
MEROVINGIAN: Any motherfucking way, what can I do for you people?
MORPHEUS: We are looking for the, um, Nut Cracker.
MEROVINGIAN: Uh huh. How much you willing to pay for him?
MORPHEUS: Well, let's see. (reaches for his wallet, but it isn't there) WTF?! Where's my wallet?!
NEO: Chill out. I'll pay for him. (reaches for his wallet, it isn't there) Hey, my wallet's gone too!
TRINITY: (checks) So is mine!
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers it.)
LINK: (over phone) Mine too!
MORPHEUS: Shut up Link, no one asked you. (hangs up)
NEO: Huh. Well, is there another way we could work this?
MEROVINGIAN: Tough luck. Look over there.
(They look and see a woman sitting at a table.)
MEROVINGIAN: Look at that woman. My God, just look at her.
NEO: Aren't you already married? Should you really be looking at other women?
PERSEPHONE: Yeah!
MEROVINGIAN: Um, anyway, see that cake she's about to eat? I filled it with laxatives.
NEO: Sicko.
MEROVINGIAN: No, watch.
(The woman eats the cake, then looks sick, and then she lets loose an extremely noisy outburst of flatulence. Everyone else in the restraunt looks at her, and starts laughing. The Merovingian and his henchmen laugh their heads off. Neo cracks up. Bill Gates and Seraph are laughing like crazy. Morpheus is struggling very hard not to laugh. Then she lets out another one, even louder than the first, and everyone cracks up twice as hard. It's amazing how some people are so amused by bathroom humor.)
NEO: Shut up, you laugh your ass off when I stained myself.
(I was laughing at your displeasure, not the stain itself.)
NEO: Whatever.
(The twins are laughing strangely at the same time. Everyone stops laughing and stares at them with a weird expression.)
TWINS: What?
(The woman leaves, with a brown spot on the rear of her dress.)
MEROVINGIAN: (sighs) Ah, good times, good times.
TRINITY: Did that have any relevance at all to what we were talking about?
MEROVINGIAN: No, not really. It was pretty funny though. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some real business to attend to, so bye.
PERSEPHONE: Where are you going?
MEROVINGIAN: I drank too much wine, I must take a piss. So scram. (leaves)
(The Merovingian's henchmen see the Neb crew to the elevator. As the door closes, one of the twins makes a kissy face at Trinity, and gets his lips stuck in the door.)
FREDDY: (to Twin #1) Well? Help your brother out.
TWIN #1: (helps Twin #2 get his lips out of the elevator door, Twin #2's lips are now sagging)
TWIN #2: Man, that's not cool.
TWIN #1: No it isn't.
In elevator...
NEO: Well, that didn't go very well. It was kind of funny though.
MORPHEUS: Neo, don't be so inappropriate.
NEO: Shut up, you were laughing with the best of us.
MORPHEUS: Er, so, did the Oracle say anything else?
NEO: Nope. She was a bit vague on the whole. She went on about birds and crap like that.
TRINITY: Did we do something wrong?
LUDACRIS: Yeah, man, we kept getting off topic and shit.
TRINITY: Shut up, you're not even supposed to be here.
(Well, I can take care of that.)
LUDACRIS: (disappears in a puff of black smoke)
(Morpheus' phone rings, he answers.)
LINK: Sir, Ludacris has just vanished from the entire Matrix.
MORPHEUS: We know that, Link. Throw out the dead bodies.
LINK: Yes sir.
(Link dumps the dead bodies out of the Neb. Later, some sentinels find them.)
SENTINEL: Cool! Dead humans! Let's take them to Duex Ex Machina and say we killed them!
(The Bride opens her eyes.)
THE BRIDE: Are you Bill?!
SENTINEL: WTF?! No. On second thought, let's just leave them here.
Back in the Matrix...
(The elevator doors open, and Persephone is waiting for them.)
PERSEPHONE: If you want the Nut Cracker, follow me.
(They follow her into the men's room, where a man is using it.)
PERSEPHONE: Get out.
BEN STILLER: Alright, alright, geez. Just let me wash my hands. Don't want to risk getting germs or anything.
PERSEPHONE: OUT!
(Ben Stiller leaves.)
PERSEPHONE: OK, I'll make this quick, since Trinity and I aren't supposed to be in here. I'll give you the Nut Cracker if Neo makes out with me.
TRINITY: What?! Hell no!
NEO: This sounds suspicious. How can I trust you?
PERSEPHONE: If I don't give you the Nut Cracker, she can shoot me.
TRINITY: (quickly grabs her gun and levels it at Persephone's head)
NEO: Alright. (kisses Persephone)
PERSEPHONE: Terrible. Just forget it.
TRINITY: YEAH!
PERSEPHONE: Oh crap.
(Trinity shoots Persephone down. Yeah, bitch power! They grab the key to the Nut Cracker's cell from Persephone's purse and leave. Neo opens the door to the Nut Cracker's cell and opens it. Inside there are shelves upon shelves of wooden nutcrackers. Sitting at a table is an old Chinese man. He stands up walks over to Neo, and kicks him in the nuts. Neo bends over in pain clutching his sac. Ha ha.)
NEO: Shut...up...
NUTCRACKER: (managing to keep a straight face) I'm the Nut Cracker. I've been waiting for you.
(The group leaves and enters the main hall, where they meet the Merovingian and his cronies.)
MEROVINGIAN: Oh gocien no spiol moca ren.
NEO: Bless you.
MORPHEUS: Your mama!
TRINITY: WTF?!
MORPHEUS: Yes.
MEROVINGIAN: OK, that was weird. (to twins) You two, get the Nut Cracker.
(There is a loud farting sound as the twins ghost into fart gas. Neo, Morpheus, Trinity, the Nut Cracker, and the Merovingian all hold their noses. Freddy tries to hold his nose, but accidentally slices his nose off. Leatherface doesn't have a real nose, and Jason tries to hold his nose through his hockey mask, but to no avail. Michael just stands there, not doing anything.)
TRINITY: (through held nose) That's a nasty trick.
TWINS: (ghost through the floor, everyone can breathe again)
NUTCRACKER: I cannot go back! (runs away)
NEO: Get him, I'll handle this. (Morpheus and Trinity leave)
MEROVINGIAN: Handle us. You'll handle us. You know your predecessors had a lot more respect.
NEO: My whats?
MEROVINGIAN: Um, nothing.
(Freddy, Jason, Michael, and Leatherface all take out machine guns and open fire upon Neo. Neo holds up his hand to repel them, but gets hit by every single bullet. They run out of ammo, and Neo is lying in a heap on the floor, covered with bullet-holes. Sucker. He stands up.)
NEO: Is it over?
(They all reload and continue firing at Neo. When they are completely out of ammo, Neo stands up, trembling, his clothing tattered, bullet-holes all over his body.)
FREDDY: Why won't you die?!
(They all drop their guns and pick up their machetes, knives, and chainsaws, and attack Neo. Neo fights them, dodging all of their attacks, never having the common sense to grab one of the plentiful weapons hanging on the wall. Leatherface slashes at Neo with his chainsaw, but Neo leaps over the blow, causing Leatherface to accidentally cut Michael's head off.)
MICHAEL: (head rolling along the floor) Now that was just uncalled for.
(Jason slashes at Neo with his machete, and Neo blocks the blow with his hand, then kicks Jason into the wall. His hand is bleeding.)
MEROVINGIAN: You see he's just a man.
NEO: Oh yeah? (to Freddy) Well you're just a crusty boogeyman, (to Jason) and you're just a really pissed off goalie, (to Leatherface) you're just a leather addict in an apron, (to Michael) and you, well, I have no idea what the hell you are. (to Merovingian) And YOU! You're French!
MEROVINGIAN: Kill him.
(Neo finally has the common sense to grab a sword. He fights of Jason with it as they move up the stairs. He then impales Jason and pushes him off the ledge. He jumps down, and Freddy and Leatherface jump after him. Freddy tries to slash at Neo, but accidentally rips Leatherface's brains out. Freddy grabs the chainsaw and slashes wildly at Neo. He loses his balance and falls on his ass. Neo grabs the chainsaw and cuts Freddy's head in half.)
MEROVINGIAN: Damnit, I always knew crusty boogeymen would be the end of me. Mark my words, boy. I have survived your predecessors, and I will survive you.
(The Merovingian turns around and walks into the door. Rubbing his head, he opens the door, enters it, and closes it behind him. Neo opens the door to find himself in the mountains.)
NEO: Crap. I'm in middle-earth.
GANDALF: You must be the one who must take the One Ring to Mount Doom and destroy it.
NEO: Hell no! I've got enough to deal with without this shit. (pushes Gandalf off the ledge)
GANDALF: Noooooooooooooooooooo...
NEO: (on the phone) What's happening Link?
LINK: You're not going to believe this, but you're not even in this world any more.
NEO: Really? (sticks his head back in the door)
LINK: Now you are.
NEO: (sticks his head back out)
LINK: Now you're not. Now you are. Now you're-Stop that!
NEO: Hey, don't talk like that to me, or I'll bust you. I've got a copy of this game you were in.
LINK: Anything you want, ANYTHING!
NEO: Well-
In the parking lot...
(The Nut Cracker enters the parking lot, followed by Trinity and Morpheus, who proves his common sense is greater than Neo's by grabbing a katana. The twins are chasing them.)
NUTCRACKER: Close the door! Quick!
(Trinity closes the door before the twins can reach it.)
TWIN #1: Well crap. Now we're screwed.
TWIN #2: Yes we are. Why didn't you stick your arm in the way of the door or something?
TWIN #1: I don't know. Probably should have, huh? Well now the boss is gonna kill us.
TWIN #2: Yes he is.
TWIN #1: Unless, we go into hiding and don't show up for the next movie. Then he won't be able to kill us. We're pointless characters anyway.
TWIN #2: Yes we are.
TWIN #1: Do you have to agree with everything I say?
TWIN #2: Well excuse me for trying to be a good brother.
TWIN #1: That's not being a good brother, that's just being annoying.
TWIN #2: Well fine then. Screw you.
In the mountains...
LINK: OK, and that's my credit card number and-, oh shit!
NEO: What?
LINK: Those twin things aren't going after Morpheus and Trinity!
NEO: So? Isn't that a good thing?
LINK: No, because that means that there won't be a really cool freeway chase scene. And agents are after them!
NEO: So? Sure, they were the big deal in the last movie, but no one cares about them now. They probably won't even show up in the next movie.
LINK: Well, how was I meant to know. I wasn't even here for the first movie! Anyway, they'll probably need a pick up.
NEO: Where are they?
LINK: On the freeway, 900 miles due south or something like that.
(Neo flies off to find his comrades.)
On the freeway...
(Morpheus, Trinity, and the Nut Cracker are standing on a bridge overlooking the freeway.)
MORPHEUS: How'd we get here?
TRINITY: Beats me.
MORPHEUS: Well get him out of here.
NUTCRACKER: What am I, a sack of potatoes to be lugged around at people's leisure?
TRINITY: Shut up. Morpheus, what are you going to do?
MORPHEUS: I'm just going to stand here with my sword dramatically for several minutes, while you grab a motorcycle and take him as far as you can, then you turn around and come right back where you came from. Then I'll jump on a truck, we'll meet, you'll give him to me and go off by yourself, while I fight an agent and get saved by Neo.
TRINITY: That's the most bullshit plan I've ever heard in my life. How about you go on the truck with him and fight the agent, while I save my own ass by going on the motorcycle, then Neo saves you. That will be much quicker.
MORPHEUS: What, and deny the audience a cool car chase?
TRINITY: The audience doesn't give a shit.
AUDIENCE: Yes we do!
TRINITY: It's sad how people go to the movies then yell at the characters on screen.
(My friend Carl is whistling right now.)
MORPHEUS: Trinity, you're acting like a fool.
(Ludacris enters.)
LUDACRIS: (opens his mouth)
TRINITY: Shut up. Go away.
(Ludacris pouts and leaves.)
MORPHEUS: (grabs the Nut Cracker and jumps onto a passing truck)
NUTCRACKER: You people are crazy!
(Trinity jumps onto a passing motorcycle and rides off, and an agent materializes out of nowhere and lands on the truck.)
AGENT JACK: The great Morpheus. We meet at last.
MORPHEUS: And you are?
AGENT JACK: A Jack. Agent Jack.
MORPHEUS: You all look the same to me. Hey wait, Déjà vu.
(On some city street, a Muslim is crossing the street, when the walk sign turns into a don't walk sign, and he gets run over.)
SMITH/AGENT BILL: Sweet! This guy had the Déjà vu remote!
SMITH: Lucky bastard.
(Back on the truck, Agent Jack is kicking Morpheus' ass. Morpheus remembers that he has a katana, and he starts kicking Agent Jack's ass with it until he accidentally drops it off the truck.)
MORPHEUS: Crap.
(Agent Jack kicks Morpheus off the truck. He hits the street running and falls on his face, then flips onto a car because of friction. It turns out to be Niobe's car.)
NIOBE: Well, what were the odds of that? Hey baby.
MORPHEUS: YOU! You stole my wallet!
NIOBE: Shit. Um, you see I...
MORPHEUS: Get me to the front of the truck.
NIOBE: Sure. (drives him to the front of the truck)
(Morpheus leaps off the car onto the truck in a kicking position, aiming to kick Agent Jack off. He instead kicks the Nut Cracker, and the two of them go flying off the truck into a car. Agent Jack stands there, confused, then sees the other truck coming at him.)
AGENT JACK: Shit.
(The trucks collide, and Agent Jack goes flying. Neo flies down and catches him, then flies him up away from the explosion.)
NEO: Wait a minute. You're not Morpheus!
(He drops the agent into the explosion.)
AGENT JACK: Nooooooooooooooooooo...
(Dumbass.)
NEO: You again! I thought you were finally going to leave me alone!
(Dare to dream.)
NEO: Whatever...
(Neo flies down to a parked car, with Morpheus and the Nut Cracker laying unconscious through the windshield. Neo grabs them and flies away.)
BEN STILLER: I am going to sue you for this! My insurance does not cover PMS!
On the next chapter...
Neo and co. plan to destroy a power plant, but it never happens.
Neo revisits the Never-Ending Hallway.
Neo watches as the prologue re-enacts itself.
Neo and I meet face to face.
Neo learns of the modem.
I leave you with a crappy cliffhanger.
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