Author's Note: There is something screwy going on with my previous chapter. Sometimes, Only the first half of the chapter loads. If you have this problem, please try adding a question mark at the end of the URL to pull up the updated version.
I started a Yahoo group where I plan to post author's notes about my story. If you'd like to join me, to discuss my story or any other HP fanfic, feel free to jump in! The link is on my author's page.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the characters from the books in the series are copyright JK Rowling, and are not being used for profit, only for personal enjoyment.
*****
Chapter 27 ~ "Insecurities"
By the time Remus returned to her quarters it was nearly midnight, and Hermione had already bathed and dressed for bed. She had done a lot of thinking while soaking in the bath, and realized how irrationally she had acted. She knew, deep down, that Severus would not walk away from her again... so why did she automatically jump to that assumption from a few simple words? When had she become so insecure? She was sitting at her dressing table, brushing out her curls and berating her reflection in the mirror.
"Who are you? The old Hermione Granger never would have done anything so stupid... irrational... unreasonable..." on and on she went, trying to figure out what had become of the girl she used to be.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Hermione," spoke a gentle voice behind her.
"Remus! I didn't know you were there..."
He approached her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Of course you aren't the girl you used to be, Hermione. You're living the life of a grown woman and a single mother, not a carefree school girl." Remus took her hand and ushered her over to the sofa, where he let her lean against him while they had a heart to heart discussion.
"Remus... I don't know who I am anymore... I..." she broke off as Remus interrupted.
"Hermione, you've had to deal with a lot over the past year. Your life, as you knew it, came to an abrupt halt and your world turned completely upside down. Your home, your family, your friends... nothing is the same this year as it was last year. But, you have overcome so much to get where you are today, and I admire your strength and your courage. So what if you cry? So what if you cope differently now than you did before? And so what if you're a bit insecure at times? You're still the Hermione we all know and love... nothing can change who you REALLY are... loyal friend, adoring daughter, doting mother... you mean so much to so many people, Hermione. Don't belittle yourself."
Hermione was crying again by the time he had finished. Aside from her parents, she had never heard anyone speak of her that way, "Remus..." she began.
"Did I mention, beautiful and brilliant?" he smiled at her.
"Remus..." she tried again.
"And kind and thoughtful,"
"REMUS!" she punched him playfully.
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Thank you," she smiled.
"Ha! Got you to smile, didn't I?"
After a few moments of sitting in silence, Remus sighed, "I talked to Severus..."
Hermione looked away, "I don't want to know..."
"I think you need to talk to him."
"I think we've both said enough."
"Hermione, look at me," Remus tilted her chin up, forcing her to face him, "Tell me... what do you feel for Severus?"
"Nothing."
"I know that's not true, Hermione. You wouldn't have been with him, otherwise. Now tell me, how do you feel about him?"
"Remus... it's all so complicated. I don't know what I'm feeling. He's the father of my child, and I love him in that respect. He's been kind to me, and I care about him as a friend. And now... I thought it might be turning into something more, but I... I don't know. He made it seem so... so final, as if it were over. Like this weekend was just..." she paused, unable to finish.
"A 'fling'?"
"Is that what he told you?" she whispered.
"No, Hermione. That's what you thought he was saying. But I think... no, I KNOW... you mean more to him than that."
Hermione stood up and walked away as she said, "Remus... I think I want to be alone now."
Remus quietly stood and walked to the door, pausing before he walked out, "If he means anything to you... even if only as Samuel's father... don't give up on him, Hermione. If there's one thing about you that hasn't changed, it's your determination. Hermione Granger does not give up."
*****
Severus closed his eyes and remembered the feel of her in his arms... her soft, warm body curled up next to him in bed... the feel and fragrance of her luxurious curls... the influx of emotions that he had never known possible during their lovemaking. He was convinced that would never feel that again... not with anybody, and certainly never again with Hermione. He should have known it was too good to last. What would a woman like Hermione Granger want with a boorish man like Severus Snape? On the surface, he tried to convince himself that he had always known that she would eventually walk away. But deep down, he had hoped that she was reciprocating the feelings that he was beginning to have for her. Admittedly, he didn't know exactly what it was that he had begun to feel for her, so he refused to acknowledge it... whatever 'it' was.
Severus gave up on refilling his glass, opting instead to drink straight out of the bottle as he sat in front of the fire all night thinking about how stupid he had been. He knew that Hermione had misconstrued what he said, but still blamed himself for being so indelicate with his words to her.
Only moments before she had stormed out, hadn't he promised her that he wouldn't hurt her again? But he did. And he would not allow himself the opportunity to do so again. No, she was gone. And it was probably for the best, since he could see no sense in prolonging the inevitable.
Near dawn, Severus drained the last of the Firewhiskey, trying to push her out of his mind for good.
*****
After tossing and turning for hours in her bed that night while she replayed the events of the evening in her head, Hermione sighed as she realized... it all came back to the night in the forest. Severus had walked away from her once, and she was all too ready to believe that he was going to walk away again. And why shouldn't she expect it? Everybody who had mattered to her had left her at one time or another this past year... first Severus in the forest... then her father... her mother laid up in the hospital for months on end... then Harry and Ron off to Auror training. Remus was her only constant, and she wondered if he might walk away, as well, after putting up with her for so long. She felt guilty even thinking this way... her father didn't choose to leave, and Harry and Ron would be back, eventually. Her mother was moving into her old cottage to be closer to her, and she knew that she could always have faith in Remus.
For the second time that evening, she began to berate herself for her insecurity. She remembered Remus' parting words that evening, "Hermione Granger does not give up." She tried to push his voice out of her mind, burying her head in her pillow as she finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
*****
The following morning, Severus sat at the staff table, nursing what would have been a hangover if he had slept at all. As it was, he was still trying to sober up. The potion he had taken took care of the inebriation, but didn't touch the worst of the symptoms. Cup after cup of black coffee he drank... he had class in an hour, and needed to rid himself of his pounding headache, if nothing else.
As he left the table, Albus approached him, requesting a meeting in his office. Severus reluctantly complied... after all, there was no sense trying to avoid the Headmaster. Albus would only track him down later, and Severus wanted to get this over with.
"Severus... you don't look well," Albus said after they had situated themselves in his office.
Severus merely growled an incoherant response.
"Should I get somebody to cover your classes this morning?"
"And which incompetent fool would you assign to annihilate my classroom, Albus? If you're going to suggest Lupin, I might as well use a Reductor Curse and get it over with."
Albus chuckled, "If it worries you, Severus, I would ask that your substitute forgo the practical lesson, and give a written assignment for your students to work on in your absence."
Severus groaned, "Very well, Albus. I suppose that I am in no condition to deal with a class full of dunderheads this morning."
"Too much brandy, Severus? That's not like you," Albus raised an eyebrow as he peered over his half-moon spectacles.
"No... the bottle of Ogden's that I polished off just a few hours ago is more my style," Severus retorted sharply.
Albus looked at Severus in concern, "Severus... I can not have a member of my staff showing up inebriated during term. However, I will let it go this time... that is, IF..."
"Ahh... yes... here comes the big 'IF'," Severus hissed, "If what, Albus?"
"If you tell me what drove you to this. This is the second time since the holidays that I've seen you indulge in more than a drink or two. The first time, if I recall correctly, concerned a recent incident with Hermione Granger. Am I correct to assume..."
He didn't get to finish before Severus cut him off, "The delightful Miss Granger.... how perceptive of you, Headmaster. Yes, I drank to her memory last night... however," Severus paused to sneer, "I have the werewolf to thank for the second half of the bottle. I would have forgotten about Miss Granger after the first half if not for his interference."
"What do you mean by 'drank to her memory', Severus? Is Hermione leaving?"
Severus stood and whirled towards the door, "You'll have to excuse me, Albus... I am not feeling well."
As he swept away towards the dungeons, Severus kept looking over his shoulder, hoping that Albus would not follow him. He wasn't interested in discussing this with Albus... he'd already said too much this morning, as well as to Lupin last night.
As he rounded the corner near his quarters, he nearly collided with an individual coming the other direction. Cursing as he stumbled, he looked up with a viscious scowl on his face as he began his diatribe, "Why don't you watch where you're going... imbicile students running through the hallways..." he was startled as he finally realized who was standing in front of him. It was Hermione... he couldn't believe that he had almost berated her for his own negligence.
To cover his own discomfiture, he hurriedly put on his most impassive teacher facade and spoke quietly, "Excuse me, Miss Granger." As he saw the flash of indigantion in her eyes, he berated himself once again. Why did he revert to calling her "Miss Granger"? Damn that intractable tongue of his. When would he ever learn?
He was barely inside his quarters when he realize that he had neglected to greet his own son in his haste to get away from Hermione.
*****
Hermione was on her way to breakfast, determined to make the best of a bad situation. She would find a way to deal with Severus. Even if it was over between them now, they still had a son to consider, as well as her Potions studies. It didn't take her long to find him, as he rounded a corner in the dungeons and nearly knocked her over in his haste. She stood there, trying to find the words to ask him for a few moments to talk in private, but before she could, he had reverted to 'teacher mode' and was calling her "Miss Granger" again. Furthermore, he didn't even acknowledge his son's presence!
*Fine, if that's the way he wants it to be* Hermione thought to herself.
"Not at all, Professor Snape," she retorted before veering around him and continuing her way to the Great Hall. Damn him! How could she deal with him on a daily basis if he was determined to resume a distant teacher/student relationship with her? And more importantly, how would it affect Samuel if they could not work out their differences?
Hermione had little appetite as she sat at the table, merely picking at her food as she nibbled on the crust of her toast and absently sipped her coffee. She couldn't take this anymore. Rising out of her seat, she propped Samuel up on her shoulder and rushed out through the side passage behind the staff table. As she exited the passage into the corridor, she encountered the Headmaster.
"Good morning, Professor Dumbledore," she said quietly in passing. He returned the greeting and looked at her questioningly as she passed, "Hermione? Is anything wrong?"
She whirled around to face him, panic in her eyes. She hoped that he had not learned the details of her weekend with Severus and wasn't looking forward to talking about it with him... but as long as he was here, she did have something important that she knew she would have to discuss with him.
"Professor Dumbledore... do you have a moment? I would like to discuss my apprenticeship."
"Of course, Hermione!" smiling as he looked at Samuel, he added, "Would my office be inconvenient at this time?"
Hermione nodded, "If you don't mind, Samuel will be ready for a nap soon."
She invited him to her quarters, and offered him tea as they sat down at her small table.
"What is on your mind, Hermione?" he looked at her sadly, as if he expected what she was about to say.
"Professor Dumbledore... I don't know if... if I need to continue studying with Severus... I..." she choked as she tried to come up with a reasonable explanation. She didn't want him to know her reasons. "I am ahead in the number of potions required at this point, and I think doing an independent study for the rest of the term may work out better for me. So I can spend more time with Samuel."
"I see. Does Severus know?"
"I haven't told him... yet..." she murmured "I wanted to discuss it with you, first."
"Very well, Hermione. We can call a meeting with Severus this evening in my office. I don't see any reason why you should not do an independant study, seeing as Potions was only temporary to begin with. May I ask, what do you plan to research for your independant study?"
The question was unexpected, but not surprising. She should have thought about that before using independant study as an excuse. She would have to do some quick thinking. For some reason, her mind drifted to Remus, and the answer came to her, "I think I'd like to research.... a cure for lycanthropy."
The Headmaster's eyes began to twinkle as he smiled at her, "Very good, Hermione! With your exceptional mind, and from what Severus has told me about your abilities in Potions, I wouldn't be surprised if your theories eventually lead to the discovery of a cure!"
Hermione smiled at his confidence in her, even as she tried not to blanch at the mention of Severus. How would she ever be able to inform him of her decision if he refused to face her?
*****
As Albus returned to his office that morning, he couldn't keep from smiling. He hoped that, unbeknownst to Hermione, her choice of research may just bring her closer to Severus than she had anticipated.
I started a Yahoo group where I plan to post author's notes about my story. If you'd like to join me, to discuss my story or any other HP fanfic, feel free to jump in! The link is on my author's page.
Disclaimer: Harry Potter and the characters from the books in the series are copyright JK Rowling, and are not being used for profit, only for personal enjoyment.
*****
Chapter 27 ~ "Insecurities"
By the time Remus returned to her quarters it was nearly midnight, and Hermione had already bathed and dressed for bed. She had done a lot of thinking while soaking in the bath, and realized how irrationally she had acted. She knew, deep down, that Severus would not walk away from her again... so why did she automatically jump to that assumption from a few simple words? When had she become so insecure? She was sitting at her dressing table, brushing out her curls and berating her reflection in the mirror.
"Who are you? The old Hermione Granger never would have done anything so stupid... irrational... unreasonable..." on and on she went, trying to figure out what had become of the girl she used to be.
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Hermione," spoke a gentle voice behind her.
"Remus! I didn't know you were there..."
He approached her and put a hand on her shoulder, "Of course you aren't the girl you used to be, Hermione. You're living the life of a grown woman and a single mother, not a carefree school girl." Remus took her hand and ushered her over to the sofa, where he let her lean against him while they had a heart to heart discussion.
"Remus... I don't know who I am anymore... I..." she broke off as Remus interrupted.
"Hermione, you've had to deal with a lot over the past year. Your life, as you knew it, came to an abrupt halt and your world turned completely upside down. Your home, your family, your friends... nothing is the same this year as it was last year. But, you have overcome so much to get where you are today, and I admire your strength and your courage. So what if you cry? So what if you cope differently now than you did before? And so what if you're a bit insecure at times? You're still the Hermione we all know and love... nothing can change who you REALLY are... loyal friend, adoring daughter, doting mother... you mean so much to so many people, Hermione. Don't belittle yourself."
Hermione was crying again by the time he had finished. Aside from her parents, she had never heard anyone speak of her that way, "Remus..." she began.
"Did I mention, beautiful and brilliant?" he smiled at her.
"Remus..." she tried again.
"And kind and thoughtful,"
"REMUS!" she punched him playfully.
"Yes, Hermione?"
"Thank you," she smiled.
"Ha! Got you to smile, didn't I?"
After a few moments of sitting in silence, Remus sighed, "I talked to Severus..."
Hermione looked away, "I don't want to know..."
"I think you need to talk to him."
"I think we've both said enough."
"Hermione, look at me," Remus tilted her chin up, forcing her to face him, "Tell me... what do you feel for Severus?"
"Nothing."
"I know that's not true, Hermione. You wouldn't have been with him, otherwise. Now tell me, how do you feel about him?"
"Remus... it's all so complicated. I don't know what I'm feeling. He's the father of my child, and I love him in that respect. He's been kind to me, and I care about him as a friend. And now... I thought it might be turning into something more, but I... I don't know. He made it seem so... so final, as if it were over. Like this weekend was just..." she paused, unable to finish.
"A 'fling'?"
"Is that what he told you?" she whispered.
"No, Hermione. That's what you thought he was saying. But I think... no, I KNOW... you mean more to him than that."
Hermione stood up and walked away as she said, "Remus... I think I want to be alone now."
Remus quietly stood and walked to the door, pausing before he walked out, "If he means anything to you... even if only as Samuel's father... don't give up on him, Hermione. If there's one thing about you that hasn't changed, it's your determination. Hermione Granger does not give up."
*****
Severus closed his eyes and remembered the feel of her in his arms... her soft, warm body curled up next to him in bed... the feel and fragrance of her luxurious curls... the influx of emotions that he had never known possible during their lovemaking. He was convinced that would never feel that again... not with anybody, and certainly never again with Hermione. He should have known it was too good to last. What would a woman like Hermione Granger want with a boorish man like Severus Snape? On the surface, he tried to convince himself that he had always known that she would eventually walk away. But deep down, he had hoped that she was reciprocating the feelings that he was beginning to have for her. Admittedly, he didn't know exactly what it was that he had begun to feel for her, so he refused to acknowledge it... whatever 'it' was.
Severus gave up on refilling his glass, opting instead to drink straight out of the bottle as he sat in front of the fire all night thinking about how stupid he had been. He knew that Hermione had misconstrued what he said, but still blamed himself for being so indelicate with his words to her.
Only moments before she had stormed out, hadn't he promised her that he wouldn't hurt her again? But he did. And he would not allow himself the opportunity to do so again. No, she was gone. And it was probably for the best, since he could see no sense in prolonging the inevitable.
Near dawn, Severus drained the last of the Firewhiskey, trying to push her out of his mind for good.
*****
After tossing and turning for hours in her bed that night while she replayed the events of the evening in her head, Hermione sighed as she realized... it all came back to the night in the forest. Severus had walked away from her once, and she was all too ready to believe that he was going to walk away again. And why shouldn't she expect it? Everybody who had mattered to her had left her at one time or another this past year... first Severus in the forest... then her father... her mother laid up in the hospital for months on end... then Harry and Ron off to Auror training. Remus was her only constant, and she wondered if he might walk away, as well, after putting up with her for so long. She felt guilty even thinking this way... her father didn't choose to leave, and Harry and Ron would be back, eventually. Her mother was moving into her old cottage to be closer to her, and she knew that she could always have faith in Remus.
For the second time that evening, she began to berate herself for her insecurity. She remembered Remus' parting words that evening, "Hermione Granger does not give up." She tried to push his voice out of her mind, burying her head in her pillow as she finally drifted off into a fitful sleep.
*****
The following morning, Severus sat at the staff table, nursing what would have been a hangover if he had slept at all. As it was, he was still trying to sober up. The potion he had taken took care of the inebriation, but didn't touch the worst of the symptoms. Cup after cup of black coffee he drank... he had class in an hour, and needed to rid himself of his pounding headache, if nothing else.
As he left the table, Albus approached him, requesting a meeting in his office. Severus reluctantly complied... after all, there was no sense trying to avoid the Headmaster. Albus would only track him down later, and Severus wanted to get this over with.
"Severus... you don't look well," Albus said after they had situated themselves in his office.
Severus merely growled an incoherant response.
"Should I get somebody to cover your classes this morning?"
"And which incompetent fool would you assign to annihilate my classroom, Albus? If you're going to suggest Lupin, I might as well use a Reductor Curse and get it over with."
Albus chuckled, "If it worries you, Severus, I would ask that your substitute forgo the practical lesson, and give a written assignment for your students to work on in your absence."
Severus groaned, "Very well, Albus. I suppose that I am in no condition to deal with a class full of dunderheads this morning."
"Too much brandy, Severus? That's not like you," Albus raised an eyebrow as he peered over his half-moon spectacles.
"No... the bottle of Ogden's that I polished off just a few hours ago is more my style," Severus retorted sharply.
Albus looked at Severus in concern, "Severus... I can not have a member of my staff showing up inebriated during term. However, I will let it go this time... that is, IF..."
"Ahh... yes... here comes the big 'IF'," Severus hissed, "If what, Albus?"
"If you tell me what drove you to this. This is the second time since the holidays that I've seen you indulge in more than a drink or two. The first time, if I recall correctly, concerned a recent incident with Hermione Granger. Am I correct to assume..."
He didn't get to finish before Severus cut him off, "The delightful Miss Granger.... how perceptive of you, Headmaster. Yes, I drank to her memory last night... however," Severus paused to sneer, "I have the werewolf to thank for the second half of the bottle. I would have forgotten about Miss Granger after the first half if not for his interference."
"What do you mean by 'drank to her memory', Severus? Is Hermione leaving?"
Severus stood and whirled towards the door, "You'll have to excuse me, Albus... I am not feeling well."
As he swept away towards the dungeons, Severus kept looking over his shoulder, hoping that Albus would not follow him. He wasn't interested in discussing this with Albus... he'd already said too much this morning, as well as to Lupin last night.
As he rounded the corner near his quarters, he nearly collided with an individual coming the other direction. Cursing as he stumbled, he looked up with a viscious scowl on his face as he began his diatribe, "Why don't you watch where you're going... imbicile students running through the hallways..." he was startled as he finally realized who was standing in front of him. It was Hermione... he couldn't believe that he had almost berated her for his own negligence.
To cover his own discomfiture, he hurriedly put on his most impassive teacher facade and spoke quietly, "Excuse me, Miss Granger." As he saw the flash of indigantion in her eyes, he berated himself once again. Why did he revert to calling her "Miss Granger"? Damn that intractable tongue of his. When would he ever learn?
He was barely inside his quarters when he realize that he had neglected to greet his own son in his haste to get away from Hermione.
*****
Hermione was on her way to breakfast, determined to make the best of a bad situation. She would find a way to deal with Severus. Even if it was over between them now, they still had a son to consider, as well as her Potions studies. It didn't take her long to find him, as he rounded a corner in the dungeons and nearly knocked her over in his haste. She stood there, trying to find the words to ask him for a few moments to talk in private, but before she could, he had reverted to 'teacher mode' and was calling her "Miss Granger" again. Furthermore, he didn't even acknowledge his son's presence!
*Fine, if that's the way he wants it to be* Hermione thought to herself.
"Not at all, Professor Snape," she retorted before veering around him and continuing her way to the Great Hall. Damn him! How could she deal with him on a daily basis if he was determined to resume a distant teacher/student relationship with her? And more importantly, how would it affect Samuel if they could not work out their differences?
Hermione had little appetite as she sat at the table, merely picking at her food as she nibbled on the crust of her toast and absently sipped her coffee. She couldn't take this anymore. Rising out of her seat, she propped Samuel up on her shoulder and rushed out through the side passage behind the staff table. As she exited the passage into the corridor, she encountered the Headmaster.
"Good morning, Professor Dumbledore," she said quietly in passing. He returned the greeting and looked at her questioningly as she passed, "Hermione? Is anything wrong?"
She whirled around to face him, panic in her eyes. She hoped that he had not learned the details of her weekend with Severus and wasn't looking forward to talking about it with him... but as long as he was here, she did have something important that she knew she would have to discuss with him.
"Professor Dumbledore... do you have a moment? I would like to discuss my apprenticeship."
"Of course, Hermione!" smiling as he looked at Samuel, he added, "Would my office be inconvenient at this time?"
Hermione nodded, "If you don't mind, Samuel will be ready for a nap soon."
She invited him to her quarters, and offered him tea as they sat down at her small table.
"What is on your mind, Hermione?" he looked at her sadly, as if he expected what she was about to say.
"Professor Dumbledore... I don't know if... if I need to continue studying with Severus... I..." she choked as she tried to come up with a reasonable explanation. She didn't want him to know her reasons. "I am ahead in the number of potions required at this point, and I think doing an independent study for the rest of the term may work out better for me. So I can spend more time with Samuel."
"I see. Does Severus know?"
"I haven't told him... yet..." she murmured "I wanted to discuss it with you, first."
"Very well, Hermione. We can call a meeting with Severus this evening in my office. I don't see any reason why you should not do an independant study, seeing as Potions was only temporary to begin with. May I ask, what do you plan to research for your independant study?"
The question was unexpected, but not surprising. She should have thought about that before using independant study as an excuse. She would have to do some quick thinking. For some reason, her mind drifted to Remus, and the answer came to her, "I think I'd like to research.... a cure for lycanthropy."
The Headmaster's eyes began to twinkle as he smiled at her, "Very good, Hermione! With your exceptional mind, and from what Severus has told me about your abilities in Potions, I wouldn't be surprised if your theories eventually lead to the discovery of a cure!"
Hermione smiled at his confidence in her, even as she tried not to blanch at the mention of Severus. How would she ever be able to inform him of her decision if he refused to face her?
*****
As Albus returned to his office that morning, he couldn't keep from smiling. He hoped that, unbeknownst to Hermione, her choice of research may just bring her closer to Severus than she had anticipated.
