Sentiments of gip-k: -I say a very somber hello. -_- (Sighs) From here on in… let's just say things are gonna get… well, lets just say a little bit worst. It's been a downhill run ever since it started but this… this is like the grand finale of bad. ^_^ Let the story begin.
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Disclaimer: Idon'townrurokendisclaimersarecrappygoodbye.
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---Departure---
I felt groggy and grumpy when I woke up the next morning. I was aching a bit- all that fighting had to have had some sort of an effect on my body.
I took a nice hot bath that day to soothe my aching nerves. It was a bit odd- too quiet at the dojo today.
I finished the rest of my bath with a bit more hurry. I dressed in one of my prettiest kimonos- a purple one with flowers embroiled on it and a pink ribbon. I should have dressed in my gi, hakama, and wrappings, but I knew that I had no intention of doing any training until later. Besides, maybe Kenshin would want to go to the Akebeko for lunch. The dojo was getting quite boring.
"Kenshin!" I called, looking throughout the dojo for him. "Kenshin!"
I looked for a long while, my worry starting to kick in. He couldn't have disappeared again, could he have?
Just as I was about to go into full panic mode, I found Kenshin, sitting on the steps. I let out a small sigh of relief. Kenshin was gazing forward, deep in thought, obviously. What he was thinking about I did not know, except that he once again had that frightful look on his face.
"K- Kenshin?" I asked a bit timidly.
Kenshin immediately snapped out of his trance, and turned to me in surprise. But slowly, yet surely, a warm smile turned up the corners of his mouth.
"Hello, Miss Kaoru," he said. "Will Miss Kaoru please sit with this unworthy one?"
I felt a wave of slight happiness, but also of nausea. Kenshin rarely asked me to sit down with him, but it was a pleasant change. On the other hand, it meant that he might have some bad news to tell me.
I reluctantly did as he asked, and sat next to him on the steps. For a short while we just watched nature, enjoying the fresh air and the sunshine. We watched birds and flowers, and talked casually about how healthy the trees were and such.
Then, surprisingly, Kenshin took my hand in his. I gave a start, and immediately looked at him. The look in his purplish eyes seemed to drown me- I was lost in them, for I could see nothing else but the beauty- the sympathy, and the urgent feeling displayed in them at the moment.
"Miss Kaoru," he said, gently pulling me to my feet. I got up, dazed.
"Wh- what is it, Kenshin?" I stammered, my heart pounding away in my chest like a hammer.
"I… have to leave you, Miss Kaoru."
I blinked at his words. They slashed at me like a sword.
"Wh- what do you mean, Kenshin? What do you mean you have to go?" I stammered, now utterly and totally confused.
"I- cannot explain it, Miss Kaoru," he said softly. The look in those purple eyes did not waver- he did not try to look away- indeed the gaze became more intense. "The wanderer must wander again, that he must."
I was about to ask why, when Kenshin pulled me to him in a tight, yet gentle embrace, taking my breath away. He tucked something in the back of the ribbon in my kimono before finally releasing me. His embrace had paralyzed me completely- I could do nothing but stare at him, speechless as tears rolled down my cheeks.
With that, Kenshin turned and slowly walked away, not looking back. My eyes followed him all the way to the gate, until finally he disappeared. I didn't know why I didn't say something, why I didn't try to stop him. My chest felt so tight, and my tongue clumsy.
I blinked in sudden remembrance of the thing Kenshin had stuffed in the ribbon of my kimono. I reached behind me, hands trembling as my numb fingers searched for it. After a few eternally lasting moments, my fingers enclosed on a small folded piece of paper. I quickly pulled it out, nearly ripping it in my haste. I opened it, hands still shaking violently. It was a bit crumbled, as though Kenshin had nearly smashed it but decided against it. Kenshin… his name alone sent shivers of icy cool through my entire body- a feeling of emptiness.
My eyes scanned the paper frantically. It was Kenshin's handwriting indeed. Terrible, but with a specialty to it- no one else but him had that writing.
My dear Kaoru-dono,
I do not wish to be a burden to you, so I am leaving you. I am too unworthy to stay in your dojo any longer. I have caused nothing but trouble. I have failed you, Miss Kaoru. I have failed to be of any good use to you, and my presence in the dojo is naught but a burden, I say, and for this I must depart.
Furthermore, there is trouble down in the south of here, and I did not wish for you to be involved. I surely know that you shall be better off without me, and perhaps you will- perhaps you will find someone else that is better than this unworthy one, and someday you will be happy. I will not interrupt your happiness, Miss Kaoru. This I refuse to do, for it hurts me greatly to see any harm come to you.
Farewell, Kaoru-dono.
I re-read the letter over and over. Obviously Kenshin did not want me anymore. What was he saying? He was doing this for my good? What good would it do me for him to go away? For me to never see him again? I was better off without him? That was far from true!
I read the letter once more. Then it dawned upon me, and with great sorrow, that I had chased Kenshin away, as well. I had ignored his feelings day after day. He had given me all that he had, but I had not given him enough. From this, he probably thought that I hated him, and it was well of him to think so. I had failed him. I had failed to give him the affection that he had given me, and I had over and over ignored his good advice during all the fights that I'd had with Sano. I had also failed to realize that he had feelings, as well. He probably missed Sano as much as I did, but I had been too selfish to think about. He and Sanosuke were friends, and so I'd chased his friend away as well as mine. I was just making life miserable for him, and indeed even though I was worst off without him, he was better off without me.
I had also failed to consider how Yahiko's death had affected him. From that moment, he had probably blamed himself that he wasn't near the rock to Ryo Sui Sen it to pieces, and save him. That was what he had meant by saying he'd failed me, wasn't it? My only student was dead, and he had taken the blame for that. He probably even took the blame for Tsubame's attitude, as I had so selfishly dumped that crisis on his shoulders as well.
When the sudden realization of my own selfishness hit me, it hit me hard, like a rock in the stomach. I immediately fell to my knees, sobs being wracked out of me. It felt like losing everybody all over again, and all at once. Because of my mistake. I was so traumatized. I cried with hard, shaking sobs. I felt as though my life was trickling out of me with each sob- it became increasingly difficult to breathe- to move- to think. I wanted so badly to have everything back- Yahiko, Sano, Tsubame, Kenshin… all my friends. Everything I'd worked so hard to earn had disappeared- it was gone. I was just like I'd been before I meant Kenshin… alone. I did everything alone. I just couldn't handle it anymore. I was the worst failure ever known to the planet.
The ground under me turned to mud for all my sobs, and I fell straight down unto the dirt, holding Kenshin's letter tightly in my hand. I cried and cried and cried- harder than I ever had in my entire life over anything, and then when I could cry no more…
I still cried.
I think I just passed out right there on the ground, because when I woke up, the entire day was gone. It was dark and crickets were chirping. That…
And I was still alone.
I finally forced myself to get off of my bed of dirt. I dabbed the tears out of my eyes with dusty hands, and then held the letter close to me. I stumbled into my room. I got dressed for bed. I don't even know how I managed to braid my hair into the loose braid that I kept it in, but I did. Then I just curled up in my bed, and cried some more. I tucked Kenshin's now dirty, even more crumpled, and tear sprinkled letter under my pillow. I curled up in a ball as tight as possible and pulled the covers over my head. Then somehow, I managed to fall asleep, but I was still in a daze.
When I awoke the next morning, all my troubles were back. Even when I looked up at the ceiling, I could still somehow see Kenshin's gorgeous lavender eyes in them, and when I closed my eyes, they were still there. And I saw Yahiko and Sano as well. Oh how I missed them. What would I do if Ayame and Suzume stopped by with their grand-pa? What would I tell them when they found out Uncle Kenny was gone?
Every time I considered those prospects, I'd just start crying some more. I supposed I'd made a life cycle of sleeping, waking up, thinking, crying, and then going back to sleep, but I did not care. I could not care, now that the man I loved was gone. You made a pretty good effort of NOT telling him that you loved him while he was here, and not admitting it to yourself, either. The little voice inside my head snickered. I tried to tuck it away, force it to go away, but it wouldn't. It just kept coming back, haunting me. I cried harder each time. I scarcely got out of bed, nowadays, and when I did I would just collapse unto the floor with tears. I could not stand to look at my own dojo anymore. It was all because of the memories embedded in it- the memories.
I wish someone would come here. I would think to myself painfully. I am so… lonely. And I was lonely, and I would most likely die that way. Loneliness…
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gip-k's Post Chapter Statements: -(SNIFF) All of you need to be VERY sure you have the song "Starless" on your computers as well as some tissues next to your desk. (CRYING) This chapter was VERY sad I could feel the sad environment coming on. (Blows nose) Must here… Starless. ( SNIFF)
And here (Dabs eyes with tissue) are my special thanks.
Crazed Fanatic Anime Fan
Whoa yes! -_- Um, bad time for that. Well, you were right. It can always get worst, but when and how much are good questions to ask. -_- I hope you have tissues handy.
Female Hitokiri Battousai
Hi, girl! ^_^ Thank you for reviewing once again! I really appreciate it! ^_^ It's sweet to me. (SNIFF) You ARE a good writer no matter what you say- your angst stories are amazingly good. It's like you become a brand-new writer, or something. I see so much talent in there. ^_^ Stick with angst! ^_^
By the way, I agree I made have made Sano or Kenshin a bit OOC, especially Sanosuke, but I guess… well, you know he isn't a punk. It wasn't exactly his fault. I meant for the reader to see it as KAORU'S fault. ^_^ But I guess if you're a Kaoru-fan you want to stick with her. ^_^
Brittanie Love
Um, I hope this story hasn't been too hard on you. -_- I made it REALLY, REALLY angst and I am aware of that. -_- But listening to Starless can help… in a way. Thank you for reviewing- I really appreciate it. :D
Dee-chan
Thank you for all the nice reviews. -_- You seem to be able to predict me so well about what I am going to do. ^_~ I don't know if that is a good or a bad thing…: XD
Dragon Ladysupreme
It is funny how you can think you have reviewed a story and you really haven't, lol. ^_^ But that's okay- it can happen to anyone. Thank you for reviewing, too. I'm so happy that you think the story is good. I am still waiting for "Don't Ask" to be updated. ^_^ I can't wait to see what happened to 'Aya'. :D Cheers!
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