Hello everyone! I'm spoiling you, really. Four updates in as many days. This one took a little longer, but it's longer then most of the other chapters.
Winddancer: And guys, when you figure out what's going on, e-mail the answer to Hawk-Sister, so that people who like reading reviews don't get it spoiled for them. Her e-mail's on her site, which you can go to by clicking her name. ^_^ Easy?
Shadowwalker: Oh, and Darkfyre? Calsa doesn't get blown up. Hawk-Sister's become way to attached to her to do that. But why she's been giggling lately…
Winddancer: Two new 'codes' that you need to know for this chapter. '~' Before and after a section mean it's one of Van's dreams, '(' before and ')' after a section means they're his thoughts. 'k?
To the fic!
***
I am … alone.
Over the past few days, days in which Calsa couldn't bear to have the dreams, she had felt more alone then she ever had, even when Tor had left. Her effort in any of her classes was drained, her attention lax, all of her soul focused on the problem of Van. Even Garth had had to rebuke her sharply to get her attention. Then she would start guiltily, then finish whatever task was assigned to her.
Even when she accidentally slipped into one of the dreams, they were muddled and confused, meaning that Van was too. Lisa had said something about a Healer for him, which meant that he was probably on a painkiller.
His mother might come in and held half-heard hysterics, his father did come in and ranted about manliness, his brothers would come in and try to start talking about it, when his arm had broken, how cool it had looker… Cal pitied Van more than she did herself.
Sometimes I think that not knowing your parents might be for the better.
Once he did fully awaken, she almost never left the dreams. This had the effect of causing her to walk around with a slightly dazed, dreamy air. She didn't really care if she looked dumb, she had become protective of her dream-friend. The only time that she really concentrated was with her magic.
I have to get to Journeyman soon. Then I can go find Tor, and Tor can find out what these dreams mean.
But the loneliness still cut like a knife. I almost wish that I hadn't isolated myself from them that much. At least they'd acknowledge me. Her answer came in a dream's dream.
***
--- 'I don't care what you say, that boy is going to Haven. Maybe his aunt can make something of him, though I doubt even Heraldic magic could do any good.'
That would be Withen, Vanyel's father. Van's mother was holding hysterics, one of her favorite pastimes. And Van was hiding in a small room off the library. He'd been hiding for quite a while now, avoiding Withen, his mother, his brothers and especially Jervis.
The only person he had ever cared for, Lisa, was gone, fostered to another Home. (They couldn't even wait for me to get better before they sent her away,) he thought angrily. This was one of his favorite places, and it was even heated. Before now, he had practiced music in here, now it was a sanctuary.
But this was different. He wasn't supposed to have heard this, and the idea of leaving the only place he had ever known cut almost as badly as the knowledge that he would never be able to play as well again. The break in his arm had done something to the nerves, and it had been a long time before he could even have played the simplest ballad that required his left hand.
He ran into his room, then thought out a plan of action. Lisa would have been proud of him for that. (If they make an announcement, it'll be at supper. And knowing for certain that I'm leaving can't be as bad a worrying,) he reasoned. They went down for supper.
***
As usual, the dining hall was crowded, and only half of the Manor's population was in it. It wasn't a small room either. The idea of all of the members together in one place scared Cal. On a happier note, no one looked at Van in an unusual way, in fact, most people just continued with their habit of looking straight through him, if he had happened to walk in front of them.
They sat down at the low table, Cal observing everything from Van's point of view. It wasn't very good, as he was staring at his plate. But she could see some things from the corners of his eyes, so she took advantage of that. First she took into account the high table
His mother's calm again, which might be a good sign. Or maybe it just means she's resigned to the fact that Withen's going to make Vanyel leave. That damned monkey of a priest keeps leering at Van, that's not a good sign. Withen is completely inscrutable, which could mean any damned thing, and I don't think that I could use Empathy through Van to find out what he's feeling.
None of the brothers appear to know anything. Not that that's out of the norm. But even Calsa's derision for Van's brothers and cousins couldn't over-ride the sinking feeling in her stomach.
Supper was tasting worse and worse to her, and probably to Van too, but they stayed to hear the news. And Treesa was calm for the second reason; Withen made the announcement just before dessert. He would leave the next day. At this, the Lady to burst into tears and ran from the room, followed by the rest of her ladies-in-waiting.
Withen filled in the awkward silence with a warm comment about last year's apples, which caused everyone to start babbling again, mostly about the quality of the apples. Almost unnoticed, the two slipped from the room.
Van stumbled into his room. He was terrified of leaving, terrified of staying. Strangers there, people who knew him here. (What can I do,) he thought, over and over. (What can I do.) Cal shared his despair, she didn't want to be alone in two places. He eventually fell asleep, exhausted. And for the first time ever, she shared his dreams.
***
~ He was surrounded by ice. It was a large snow plain, with no life and no features, just him. Standing alone in the plains, the icy coldness numbing him, the answer to his problems hit him. And it was like an answer from the gods themselves.
'If no one can touch me,' Van said, 'No one can hurt me. If I don't care what others say, their opinions can't hurt me.' He whispered it again, like a chant.
'If I can't be touched, I can't be hurt. If I don't care, then I can't be hurt. If I can't be touched, I can't be hurt. If I don't care, then I can't be hurt. If I can't be touched, I can't be hurt. If I don't care –' Then solid, dreamless sleep overtook him.~---
***
'If no one can touch me,' Calsa repeated upon awakening, 'no one can hurt me.' What was a blessing for Van was doubly so for her. She was already alone, he was preparing to be alone. With this, though, she just wouldn't care anymore. And that could be a blade as sharp as ice.
So Cal became untouchable. Not the way she had been before, when she just tried to stay small and ignored. She carried herself proudly, ignoring the others as if they were below her notice, as if she were the Emperor and they were something lower than what she had once been. They reacted to that in an unexpected way, carrying themselves carefully around her. As before, the only place she didn't change was in magic lessons.
Once I get away, I can drop this mask. Then I can find Tor, and see what he knows about these dreams. And once I know what these dreams mean, I'll do…something appropriate. Cal didn't know just what she would do yet, but first she had to find out the meaning behind her dreams, Van's life.
***
Garth was relieved to see her back to her normal self. 'Good gods, Collen, for a minute I was afraid that we were going to have to put it off.'
Cal looked up in alarm. 'Put what off?'
'Your test, of course.' She stared blankly at him. 'To advance from Apprentice to Journeyman.'
'Oh. Truly?'
'Of course, we'll begin now.' Shouldn't I at least get a moment to prepare?
The series of tests she had to perform were simple, easier than she had expected. The last was the hardest, though. She had never accessed a leyline before, but finally caught on to the trick. Locking it into a shield was actually fun.
Her master actually smiled. 'Well, then, Journeyman, time to start journeying. Well, at least, after supper.' They smiled and parted for the last time.
***
Supper was much better then usual. She sat at the high table and was proclaimed a Journeyman, then given the robes of the Fire Mountain order.
--- (What's wrong with me,) Vanyel thought. Calsa decided that she had missed something important. Then she noticed the fluttery feeling in the base of his stomach, and looked to see what it was that was affecting him. A golden haired boy was reading outside. Is that it? Does he like boys?
(Why, oh why did I have to be like this. Why did I have to fall in love. And why with Tylendel, Savil's favorite.) Tylendel. Savil. Savil's Vanyel's aunt, Tylendel is Savil's … student? Probably. He has Mage-Gift, so he probably is.
Other people might be horrified at the concept of guys liking other guys. Calsa was just amused. I wonder if his dad thought that that might happen. Oh-oh. If Withen finds out about this, Vanyel is so dead. And if Tylendel likes him back and they get together and Withen finds out … well, death might be a pleasant alternative.---
She awakened smiling, then dressed to begin her wanderings. To Valdemar, then Haven, then Tor. Something occurred to her. That's where Vanyel was. Maybe they would have something about him there. With that in mind, she left the Empire's capital, heading west.
***
Winddancer: Wow, that was longer then usual. This is one of my favorites, though.
Shadowwalker: *wakes up from half daydream.* Did I miss something?
Winddancer: *in annoyance* Oh, yes you did. *to the readers* Remember, R&R. And we do anonymous reviews too, now. *to Shadowwalker, gleefully* Stormwing's coming over for a visit.
Shadowwalker: *Blanches* St-stormwing?
Winddancer: yup! ^_^
