Chapter 4: Quidditch Confusion

"First, I'd like to introduce myself," Oliver Wood began, taking a wad of snuff and putting it in his mouth.

"Why is he introducing himself when everybody already knows who he is?" Draco whispered.

Crabbe and Goyle laughed.

"Would you like to share that with the class, Mr. Malfoy?" Oliver asked.

"I would love to, Wood, but I just did," Malfoy sneered.

"Just ignore him, Professor," Hermione told him.

"Don't tell me what to do, Miss Granger; and don't interrupt me," Wood replied.

Hermione scoffed.

"As I was saying, for those of you who don't know me, my name is Professor Wood."

Crabbe and Goyle burst into laughter again.

While Wood informed Crabbe and Goyle that they had detention, the students talked amongst themselves. Some noticed

that Susan Bones was yet again in a Gryffindor class even after "The McGonagall Incident."

Oliver continued his speech, "I was seeker and captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team and won the Quidditch cup

my last year."

"*Harry* won the cup," Ron stated, perturbed.

"Well, he helped of course. I won't deny that," he replied.

"*Helped*?!" Harry yelled. "'You catch this and we win, Potter,'" he said imitating Wood's voice.

"Before we can we begin class, everyone needs to check the list," Oliver continued, ignoring him. "If you're not on the

list, you're not in my class."

Ron grabbed the list and took the liberty of reading it out loud," Neville Longbottom... Hermione Granger...that's it..."

Hermione's mouth fell open. "WHAT?!" Hermione screamed at Ron, snatching the list. "Why am *I* on this list,

Professor?"

"That list contains the names of all students involved in Quidditch related accidents. Bet you wish you hadn't

set Professor Snape's cloak on fire now!" Wood retorted.

"That was you? Awesome!" Neville told her.

"Longbottom and Granger, I would ask that you please leave my class before you waste anymore of my time." Oliver said,

spitting.

"He just spat chewin' 'tabacca' all over my brand new cloak!" Hermione wailed.

"Be quiet. You and Mr. Longbottom can converse on the way to your new class, Listening Skills. Or perhaps you'd enjoy

Shut Your Mouth 101?"

"I'm going to speak to Dumbledore about this!" Hermione cried.

"You are of course more than welcome to do so. Professor Dumbledore, however, is not here, so Professor McGonagall

is whom you would want to talk to. *She* wrote the list."

Neville and Hermione, finally giving up, walked off toward the school.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Wood began, now speaking to the class, "Madam Hooch and I have been battling all summer, so--"

A sudden light came crashing through the Quidditch filed. Out from the large hole in the side of the stadium that

was created by this phenomenon came none other than Madam Hooch. She was covered from head to toe in dirt, and she

was dragging a stunned Snape behind her.

"I told you that I would have my revenge at any cost, Wood! Professor Snape was so kind as to give me the password into

the field," Madam Hooch said with a crazy look in her eyes.

"And?" Oliver asked, uninterested.

"I *need* my job, Oliver."

"You need to take a bath, you filthy bitch. Scourgify!" Professor Wood yelled.

Bubbles flew at Madam Hooch, and then they came together to form the words: Dirty Lesbian, around her.

"I will not be made a fool of!" she shrieked throwing kicks and punches in every direction.

"It seems you already have," Wood declared.

"An Imperius Curse will change your mind! Just like it did Severus'."

Madam Hooch reached for her wand. Snape, who had recently regained consciousness, stood behind Hooch. He then suddenly

front flipped over her, scorpion kicked her in the face, landed, and wicked his hair giving the students

a menacing look.

"One word about this to the Headmaster, and I will personally see to it that everyone of you are expelled," he

sneered.

Snape pointed his wand at himself and muttered Scourgify in a rather irritated tone.

"The nerve of that woman," he said to himself.

He heard a laugh from the students. One student was in fact laughing so hard that she was crying.

"Miss Bones?!" What do you think you're doing here?!"

Susan immediately ceased her laughter and ran towards the school.

Snape turned to Wood and said, "Use your card on Hooch, you ignorant twit." He then went after Susan, his robes

billowing quickly behind him.

Everyone had been so busy discussing what had just happened that they failed to notice that Madam Hooch was no longer

knocked out.

Wood dug out his Chocolate Frog Card and threw it like a ninja star at Madam Hooch. It bounced off her

and fell to the ground next to Harry. Madam Hooch burst into maniacal laughter.

"You don't even know how to use your Chocolate Fog Card!" Madam Hooch screamed.

"I don't need it to kick your sorry ass," Oliver said reaching into his pocket.

"Did you see that earlier, Ron?" Harry asked him.

"Yeah, mate. I was right beside you," he answered.

"I'm talking about Snape! When he was going after Susan, he feet didn't even touch the ground!"

"Please, he needs no broomstick to fly, Harry," Draco said suddenly.

"Harry?" Ron whispered wide-eyed, "Since when does he call you Harry?"

Harry shrugged and bent down to pick up the card that had landed near him. He noticed that it, like Snape's, had

Professor Dumbledore's picture on it.

"Man, we could use some help right about now," Harry said to Ron.

"Looking for this?" Hooch asked holding out Wood's wand of wood. He had been looking for it in his robes.

"Aaaavvaaaddaaa," she hissed as everyone on the field was suddenly knocked down by a violent gust of wind.

A huge, pink bubble floated down from the sky and landed on the ground. The bubble popped and revealed an ever enthusiastic

Dumbledore.

"Surprise! I'm back!" he cried gleefully.

"Please, professor. Madam Hooch has escaped from Azkaban Prison," Wood told him.

"Oh, and about time, too."

Oliver looked shocked.

"Now that the dementors are no longer guarding the dread fortress, anyone could escape...even...Lucius Malfoy."

Dumbledore stated, giving Wood "The Look."

Madam Hooch rose from the ground, both wands in her hand.

"I'll be taking those, Ah!" Dumbledore whispered.

Both wands suddenly flew into the Headmaster's hand.

"Pity," he said, examining a broken one, "It appears that your wand has split in two."

Dumbledore let out a soft laugh as he tossed Madam Hooch's wand behind him.

"She's getting away, professor," Ron yelled.

"Ah, what's the spell again? Oh, yes. Sméagol...Déagol..." Dumbledore said as Madam Hooch took off running.

Sméagol and Déagol shot out of the end of Dumbledore's wand that he had been pointing at Hooch. They ran towards her.

"I wants it. Where is its?" Sméagol inquired.

"Now where did I put that ring?" Albus asked himself.

He pulled out several boxes of chocolate Frog Cards from his left pocket.

"Must be in the other," He smiled.

The Headmaster reached into his right pocket and held out a golden ring. Sméagol's eyes grew wide.

"Gives us the precious! Wes will do anythings for the precious!"

"Will you please dispose of that woman?" Dumbledore asked, indicating Madam Hooch.

"Yesss! Wes will ring her filthy neck!" Sméagol said excited.

"Very well," he answered, tossing the ring to the creature.

Sméagol and Déagol ran after Madam Hooch who was screaming like a little girl who had lost her lemon drop.

"Now that the Madam hooch problem is about to be solved, you may report to your next class," Dumbledore said smiling.

Harry looked down at his watch. "But professor, this class isn't over for another thirty minutes," Harry told him.

"Very well then, off you go," Dumbledore replied.

The students reluctantly walked towards Hogwarts.

"Professor Wood, I believe that you let Mr. potter pick...up...your...ChocolateFrogCard!" Dumbledore said seriously.

"Do you realize what could happen if the secret...isnolongerasecret?!"

"Yes, professor," Oliver replied, his head hung down low.

"I believe that I will keep your Chocolate Frog Card until I think you are ready for the...great...terrible, yes...

but great responsibility that comes with it..."

"Of course, I understand."

"And if you would please clean up the field, Wood, I'll go relieve Professor McGonagall from my duties," Dumbledore

said and walked towards the school.

After he had gone a few steps, he noticed that Susan Bones was on the ground screaming. Albus walked forward a

few more steps, looked over at Susan, and saw that a bat was flying around. It was periodically swooping down at her

face, scratching, clawing, and biting her.

Dumbledore stood there for a while and twiddled his thumbs. Then he said, "I think that's quite enough, Severus."

The bat suddenly disappeared in a cloud of smoke, and Professor Snape was now standing beside Susan.

"Headmaster," he said, facing Dumbledore. "You're back earlier than expected."

"Yes, er--Fawkes owled me and informed me that I left him without food," Dumbledore explained, smiling.

"Ah ,and the Madam Hooch situation?" Severus replied.

"She's gone," Dumbledore answered.

"But I have an important matter to discuss with her."

"I have a feeling that that opportunity will arise...one day..." he said with a twinkle in his eyes. "Now

to Miss Bones' punishment," Dumbledore said helping up the girl, "This makes your 456th time to be in the...

wrong class. Normallyyouwouldbeexpelled! However...Professor McGonagall has decided your fate."

Susan trembled in fear.

"No!" She cried, "I mean, Professor Snape should decide it."

Snape's mouth went into a large grin.

"No," he said, glaring at Snape, "I think he's had enough fun for today." Dumbledore gave "The Look."

Snape frowned.

Dumbledore reached into his robes and pulled out a stack of paper over a foot tall. "Ah! These are the assignments

written by Professor McGonagall for your detentions. You have detention...every day...every year...for the...

remainderofyourstayatthisschool," Dumbledore said happily.

Susan's eyes were welling with tears.

"You may go to your class now," Dumbledore said, handing her the stack of papers.

Susan fell to the ground from the weight of the stack.

"Perhaps Professor Snape can levitate them for you," he suggested.

"If I might, Headmaster. A quick word with you first," Snape said.

"What is it, Severus?"

"One of the house elves has misplaced an article of my clothing. I was wondering if you had received it by mistake."

"No, I haven't seen your shirt," Dumbledore answered, smirking.

"I never said it was a shirt," Snape said, his eyes moving side to side.

"I think I hear Fawkes calling. You will of course excuse me, Severus."