Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl (we've already discussed this and if I have to say it again I will be very sad, depressed enough not to update…)
Congrats to Radioactive Bubblegum who figured out what 3695 meant.
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Artemis knocked on Butler's door, unusually shy.
"Come in." Artemis opened the door and found Butler reading a gun magazine on his bed. "What is it, Artemis?"
"I'm ready to talk."
"By all means, sit."
Artemis didn't sit. "Could we go outside? I invited a friend over to talk. If he's coming, that's where I have to meet him."
Butler nodded. They took Artemis's telescope and some chairs too (so they would have a excuse for being there if anyone asked).
"Butler, the truth is, I met someone when I was on that field trip with my school. A girl. I think I'm developing feelings for her. It's distracting me from my work and money-making enterprises."
"I'd guessed as much," Butler said. So he was right. It was a girl. "You're growing up. It's normal."
"Not for me. Normally I don't pay attention to anyone at all, but I find I can't get her out of my thoughts."
A few moments later Artemis detected a slight haze.
"Trouble Kelp?" he asked softly.
"Are we visible from here?" asked the invisible (or nearly so) elf.
"No. We're a sufficient distance from the house and the tree right behind should help block out anyone from seeing us."
He materialized and sat in the extra chair they'd brought. "What exactly do you need my advice for?"
"Artemis needs some advice about women," Butler said.
Trouble looked at him and elf and man shared a look. Trouble nearly laughed. The Mud-Boy had come to him for advice on girls? Why? Oh, well. "Okay, Artemis. You like this girl, right?"
"Yes."
"Does she like you?"
"I have no idea. We get along well enough. We've been talking for the past 2 weeks or so, we've known each other for three."
Butler tried not to grin, "She was the one who made you laugh last week, wasn't she? It wasn't a joke email."
He bit his lip, his tone icy, "Yes."
"Do you want to go out with her?" asked Trouble.
"I don't know, I just don't know."
"Supposing you do, how would you ask her?"
"I'd simply say, 'Alyssa, would you like to accompany me to . . .' well, wherever I decide to take her."
"And you expect her to say yes just like that?"
"What would you suggest I do differently?" asked Artemis.
"Flatter her."
"Stand pretty close to her."
They started spouting off other advice. Artemis started making a list of notes.
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Holly threw a pile of clothes in the washing machine and shut it. Trouble had been acting oddly all week. Maybe tonight was exactly what he needed. He'd told her earlier that he was going out to see some old friends. That was fine, she'd probably stay home and take a bath; it had been a long week. She was moving some things off the kitchen table when she saw a note that had obviously been hidden inside a magazine. She took a look at the note and read it.
"D'Arvit!" she breathed. Tonight was the full moon. Trouble, she thought, I am so going to hurt you when you get home that you won't be able to sit for a week! She grabbed her jacket and ran out the door. So much for a peaceful night.
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"Be sure to get in a lot of compliments."
"I don't know any compliments." He was so used to looking down on people. When was the last time he'd even given a compliment?
"Her hair smells nice."
"She looks pretty."
"You like the way she sings."
"You like her new hair style."
"You like her new sweater."
"She's got beautiful eyes.
"Remember, laugh at her jokes, whether or not she's funny. I always had to laugh at Trouble's." Holly leaned lazily against the tree. She'd gotten a special allowance from Root for tonight to come up in one of the pods on a flare. She knew it would be easier getting Root or Foaly to agree (especially after she explained the situation), than to bully her way out through the shuttle lines.
"Holly!" said Trouble.
Artemis looked embarrassed. "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough, Mud Boy. Trouble, what sort of stunt are you trying to pull?"
"Huh?" her husband asked, genuinely confused.
Holly shook her head. She turned away from him. "Listen up, Mud Boy. If you want advice on women, you don't go to a guy. You go to a girl. Most of the time, boys don't know what they're talking about. Besides, why would you bother contacting Trouble? He was pretty lost until Butler told him to just tell me the truth. Though now I see Butler has lost most of his sense of reason too. Go away. I think Artemis and I should talk alone."
"But, Holls—" started Trouble.
"NOW!" she barked.
"Yes, Holls." He sulked.
"Go back home. I'll deal with you later." She muttered, "Spoiling my night off like this." She sighed. "You too, big man. Out of here."
"Captain Short, I mean Captain Kelp—"
"NOW, Butler!" she barked.
"I'll be nearby if you need me, Artemis." He doubted she'd harm Artemis. He followed in the direction Trouble had gone and Holly took his chair.
"Okay, Artemis. You are now enrolled in Ms. Holly's class on how to talk to girls. Erase everything that Trouble and Butler might have even possibly told you. Got it?"
"Yes." His brow wrinkled in thought. Things were not turning out well. He knew Captain Short, er, Captain Kelp much better than he knew Trouble. It would be more difficult to talk to her about this, especially because she was a girl. Maybe he ought to just call it a night. On the other hand, she possibly did know a little more than Trouble. "How did you know Trouble was here?"
"I found your note at home when I was cleaning."
He arched an eyebrow. "I've been inside your home, Captain. It appears as though you have never cleaned."
"Well, maybe Trouble's a good influence on me. I can't stand it when he puts things away because then I can't find anything. But that's beside the point. Be nice. You don't have to bother about showering her with compliments. It's nice to acknowledge things, like a new haircut or something, but if you say it too much, you seem really phony. Be honest. It's not going to be easy for you to talk to her no matter what. That's a given. But if you're not honest with her, you'll make things worse in the long run. First things first. The truth now, do you like this girl as more than a friend?"
"Yes. I believe I do."
"Okay. Do you know if she likes you back or not?"
"I don't know. She teases me. She calls me Junior. But we seem to get along fairly well. Our personalities seem compatible."
"What's she like?"
"Well, she's funny. Fairly smart. Pretty, beautiful even. She reminds me a little of you."
"How so?"
"Quick wit, auburn hair, and the fact that she calls me names."
Holly grinned, "Sounds like you found a winner, Arty. What's her name?"
"Alyssa. I don't know much about her other than the fact that she has a brother. She ran a web search on me. She read my biography. Knows almost everything. But she doesn't know about the People."
"What's so special about this girl?"
Artemis looked at her. "She makes me laugh, Holly. Few people in my world or yours can do that."
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"What's so special about this girl?" asked Trouble.
"She made him laugh," Butler said solemnly.
"The Mud B—I mean, Artemis laughed? Like a real laugh? Not his usual sinister chuckle or malicious cackle?"
"Yeah. I heard it with my own ears. I think she sees something in him other people don't."
"Are you going to encourage this relationship?"
"I think I will. It'll be good for Artemis."
"I think so too."
Holly and Artemis walked to where Trouble and Butler were talking. "Trouble, I thought I told you to go home."
"I was waiting for you." He tried to look sweet and innocent. And he failed.
She laughed and shook her head. "Come on, let's go." She took his hand and called back over her shoulder, "Artemis, you remember everything I said, okay?"
"I will, Holly. I will."
The fairies shielded and continued to walk away.
