Chapter 2: Learning to Duck
Summary: Sirius, sick of James obsessing over Lily, puts him on a 12-step program to help him become a true Girl Scout. What have the Maruaders gotten themselves into?
Disclaimer: Do I ever own anything? Ever? Ever?
Notes: Loosely based on The Catsitters by James Wolcott, especially on the character of Darlene. I have part of chapter three written out, and will type it up soon, but I won't put up chapter three until I have at least ten reviews. Same as with chapter two. My beta won't beta HP, so this is totally unedited except by me. Just a warning. Also, I put the previews not because I'm a big-shot but so someone will comment on them and motivate me to write the next chapter. This is long now, so enjoy!
Sirius tapped the blackboard behind him with his wand. He cleared his throat and wrote in green, glowing letters: THE 12-STEP SIRIUS GIRL SCOUTING METHOD. James scratched the words on his paper. Remus and Peter rolled their eyes before going back to Exploding Snap.
"You two, either quit playing games or leave the classroom," Sirius said sternly. "Put the game away and take notes!"
"Um, Sirius, this is the dorm room and it's after-hours. We can't go away. Besides, I already have a girlfriend," Remus pointed out.
Sirius glared at him sternly. "Then I suggest you take notes, young man!" He glared at Remus and Peter until Remus sighed, muttered something under his breath, and pulled out parchment and quill. Peter grudgingly followed him.
"I don't know why I put up with this," Remus muttered, but Sirius began to lecture.
"Step One of the program is combined with the introduction. Let's start off with ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM." He wrote ADDRESSING THE PROBLEM in green letters on the board. "The problem is what I like to call the 'obsession-rejeciton cycle', though it's only a cycle in its final stages." He drew a stick figure on the board, whih waved cheerfully, then stayed put. Above him, Sirius wrote THE OBSESSION-REJECTION CYCLE.
Sirius turned and faced the three Marauders seated on Peter's bed. "Now, say this gu," he tapped the sick guy, who shook himself, "meets a girl." Sirius drew a stick figure with a bow and two sticks for hair, and tapped her. She moved, waving at the three fifth years and smiling at Sirius, who frowned at her. "Now, say--"
"Come on Sirius, she's flat," Peter interrupted. "That would be like child molestation."
Remus shook his head sadly. The stickgirl frowned and crossed her arms defensively. Sirius glared at Peter and continued, a little louder. "Now, say that--"
"Hang on a sec," James said, writing frantically. "Can you start again from the 'now, say this guy,' please?" Remus peered at James's paper, which was covered with every word Sirius had said in the last ten minutes. He shook his head.
"Don't write every word I say, James," Sirius interrupted. "There's too much subject to cover. Just what I drew here." He tapped the blackboard.
James looked up and crumpled his piece of paper. "Moony, can you hand me a piece of paper?"
If they had been anime characters, they would have sweatdropped. However, being a real person, Remus could only show his exasperation by throwing the notebook at James's still-bruised head.
After James had copied down everything, Sirius clared his throat, tapping his foot. "Done?" he asked icily, giving James a piercing stare reminiscient of McGonagall. James nodded meekly. "Good. Now, say that this guy," he poked stickguy, "started to like this girl." He tapped stickgirl. He drew a heart on the stickboy, then stick boy got an expresison on his face that made the Marauders wince--they had seen that look too many times on James.
"Um, Sirius?" Remus asked. "I have a question. Who taught you this stuff?"
"Sarah Faye Angele," Sirius said absently.
"I thought you two broke up," James frowned.
Sirius snorted. "I'm surprised you noticed. We're still friends. Now, back to the lesson!" he glared at the Marauders sternly, then turned back to the blackboard.
"Now, say this guy likes this girl. But stickguy here is afraid stickgirl won't like him. So afraid that he doesn't flirt with her or even talk to her. This is step one." Sirius wrote STEP ONE: UNHEALTHY AVOIDANCE FOSTERS THE CRUSH on the blackboard. He paused to let them copy down this information and continued. "If possible, try not to let this happen. When you have a crush on a girl, tell someone or flirt with her. Don't keep it inside. But if you do, you're past step one. Step two is when Stickguy starts to write poetry about stickgirl, and basically--" he stopped and wrote on the board STEP TWO: ARTISTIC EXPRESSION OF FEELINGS.
"I think James skipped step one and went straight to step two," Peter said wryly.
"Moony's a better professor," James said mischeviously. "He obeys more rules."
"Rules are meant to be broken, kiddies," Sirius said, grinning. "But anyway. After step two is step three, which is sending anonymous notes or occasionally, towards the end, treating her differently, starting to obsess over her publically, in small ways."
"Nevermind, James skipped straight to the end of step three," Peter declared while writing STEP THREE: HIDDEN OR BRIEF DISPLAYS OF AFFECTION.
"You make it sound like sex," Remus commented, amused. Sirius glared at him.
"It's step three! What do you want it to say?" Sirius asked defensively.
Remus put a hand to his forehead. "Saty it with me," James said sympathetically, and they both chorused:
"Never mind, Padfoot."
Sirius looked mildly annoyed. "Now, after step three, then the cycle begins. STEP FOUR: YOU TRY TO IMPRESS HER," he wrote as he said it, and again the Marauders bent over their notes. Then he wrote right below it: STEP FIVE: SHE THINKS YOU'RE PATHETIC and drew arrows showing a circle between the two.
"This," he said, tapping the last two, "is where James is." He paused for effect.
James looked annoyed. "So, what are you going to do?" he asked impatiently after he felt the puase had gone long enough.
"This is where the 12-Step Sirius Girl Scouting Method begins," Sirius said confidently. "The first step is to set a goal to get a certian girl," he wrote on the board: GIRL SCOUTING METHOD as a subtitle, then wrote: I. SET A GOAL TO GET A CERTIAN GIRL. "Which James did ages ago," Sirius added. "Anyway, the girl is almost guaranteed to be the same girl you obsess over. Step Two," and he wrote it down: II. IGNORE HER FOR A WEEK, saying each word as he wrote it. Sirius paused to let his words sink in, then continued. "This is to get her mind off you for a while, to get all the negative thoughts out of her head, which we will replace with good thoughts. Give her a chance to forget your past mistakes."
He leaned over and wrote III. START OBSERVING THE GUYS SHE LIKES OR HAS LIKED. "And imitate them," Sirius added verbally. "Make her see you as more than an annoyance. "
"Just out of curiosity, why did Sarah tell you all this after you brke up?" Remus asked.
"She still liked me and was trying to impress me," Sirius shrugged. "But she and I both knew there was no chance. She's over it now. She's my 'insider information' on almost any girl in Gryffindor."
"Can she get pictures of Lily asleep?" James asked, the expression his friends had come to call the 'Lily Look' crossing his face.
"She's not lesbian, James, she went out with me," Sirius said, disgusted. "Now, pay attention. Step four:" he wrote it: IV. START A FILE. KEEP RECORDS OF EVERYTHING. "Keep track of everything about her, what she likes, her friends, types of guys she likes. It's very useful."
"Um, SIrius, only James is obsessed with Lily, not us," Peter pointed out.
"These work on other girls!" Sirius said defensively. "Especially if you're as obsessed as Prongs here. STEP FIVE," he said loudly as he wrote. V. GO FOR HER FRIENDS. "And be nice to them," he added, crossing his arms. "Make them put in a good word for you. Don't mention them to any other girls, or any other girls to them. We'll get to that later. Then step six:" he wrote it: "VI. GO FOR THE GIRL." He paused. "This is the ultimate test, and a whole nother series of steps within itself. We'll cross that bridge when we come to it. That's where you REALLY start keeping files, and when the 'friendliness tests' come in."
"Um, just how long does this take?" Remus interrupted. "It's November now--will we be done by Christmas?"
Sirius shrugged. "I've never tried it before," he said honestly.
James groaned.
"I'm doomed."
End chapter 2
Chapter Three Preview:
He held out a manilla folder, like Muggle businessmen use, which read: PROJECT G.E.T.T.I.NG. L.I.L.Y in red letters.
"Padfoot, why did you use abbreviations when you spelled 'getting Lily'?" Remus asked, sititng up on his elbows.
"It stand for...Going Everyday To Talk...James...Into Not Girls..." Sirius faltered, staring at the folder, "and Lily in particular...no, wait, I mean Lily in Large...Ying-Yangs," Sirius said, then hurriedly added: "But that's not important!"
He swept open the folder with a flourish while James was sputtering: "Lily In Large Ying-Yangs?" incredously and Remus was rolling.
