Chapter 3: Lifestyles of the Rich and Average
Summary: Sirius, sick of James obsessing over Lily, puts him on a 12-step program to help him become a true Girl Scout. What have the Maruaders gotten themselves into?
Disclaimer: Do I ever own anything? Ever? Ever?
Notes: Loosely based on The Catsitters by James Wolcott, especially on the character of Darlene. Thanks to everybody and sorry for the...huge...delays. =P Well, it's up now. A lot of this was inspired by 'The House of Wolves', which is really good. Love you all.
"Ri-ise, and shi-ine, and give Frog the gory story! ri-ise, and shi-ine, and give Frog the Gory Story Rise and shine and! give Frog the gory story, children of the borg!"
Remus covered his head with his pillow. "It's give God the glory, glory, children of the Lord," he shouted through the pillows.
"Up, Moony!" Sirius shouted cheerfully, pulling the pillows off of Remus's head and beating him with them mercilessly.
"Mercy!" Remus yelled, pulling covers over his head. Peter sat up and stared, bleary-eyed, at James's luminescent watch.
"It's SIX O'CLOCK!" he said despairingly and fell back onto his pillow. Sirius skipped around the room, jumping on everyone's bed, pulling covers off and putting them on like capes as he pulled back the curtains.
"Ri-ise, and shi-ine, and give Frog the gory story! Ri-ise and shi-ine, and give frog the gory story children of the Borg!" he repeated happily. He stopped at James's bed with such silence that Remus and Peter looked up. James's head thudded on the mattress as Sirius pulled his pillows out from under him and started beating him with them. James dind't move. Sirius lowered his head to James's eye level and blew in his face, but James didn't budge.
"It's Monday," Remus pointed out.
Sirius gave an "ooo-hhh" of understanding, then replaced the pillows carefully. He grabbed a conviently placed Air Horn and stepped onto James's bed carefully, then he jumped on the bed around James yelling: "GETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUPGETUP!!!" and blowing the Air Horn furiously.
If every single person in Hogwarts wasn't awake by then, they were afterwards.
"ISWEARIDIDNTDOANYTHING!" James yelled frantically as he sat up in bed, knocking Sirius over in his lap. Both paused and there was a moment of unnatural silence.
"Why, James," Sirius said breathily. "I didn't know you were that way."
James pushed Sirius onto the floor. "Oomph," Sirius complained. "Is that anyway to treat your mentor and counselor? It's Day One of Step One," he shouted. "Project G.E.T.T.I.N.G. L.I.L.Y, Part One: Ignore Lily!" he shouted loudly enough for the Slytherins down in their dungeons to hear.
"What?" James asked, reaching for his glasses, then turning to stare at Sirius owlishly. Sudden horrible realization struck across his face and his mouth hung open. "I have to ignore Lily?"
"How will you live?" Peter remarked sarcastically. James threw a pillow at him.
"That it step one," Sirius said happily. "Today, you start keeping the Project File!" He held out a manilla folder, like Muggle businessmen use, which read: PROJECT G.E.T.T.I.N.G. L.I.L.Y in red letters.
"Padfoot, why did you use abbreviations when you spelled 'Getting Lily'?" Remus asked, sitting up on his elbows.
"It stand for...Going Everyday To Talk...James...Into Not Girls..." Sirius faltered, staring at the folder, "and Lily in particular...no, wait, I mean Lily in Large...Ying-Yangs," Sirius said, then hurriedly added: "But that's not important!"
He swept open the folder with a flourish while James was sputtering: "Lily In Large Ying-Yangs?" incredously and Remus was rolling.
"Sheet One: The Subject!" There was a picture of Lily stuck to the page, who smiled unknowingly at her audience, making James get the Lily Look and Remus, Peter, and Sirius roll their eyes in disgust. "Prongs, you'll fill all these pages out about Lily, there are only three. Then her past boyfriends and friends!"
James picked it up. " 'Birthmarks', 'Pets'..." he read on down. " 'Favorite Ice Cream'? 'Illegal Activities'? 'Brand and Scent of Shampoo'? Sirius, I'm never going to find all this out! This is not a Scotland Yard investigation!"
"James, the Girl Scouting Method is very thorough!" Sirius cried. "After you get all that, I have pages of tips and tricks and pick-up lines to get her to like you, then tests to see if she really likes you!"
Remus had to stuff a pillow in his face to keep from cracking up. Peter was rolling and James looked like a deer caught in the headlights. "So what do I do today?" he asked meekly.
"Today, you ignore Lily. Don't speak to her, and if she comes into a room, ignore her. Don't look directly at her. Try to fill out your page on Lily, ask her friends, her enemies, Snape, anybody. Frankly, anyone knows more about Lily than you."
James hit Sirius with a pillow.
9:15am
"Sirius," James hissed. "How can I ignore her for an entire day?"
Sirius glanced over at James. He looked desperate. Lily was sitting at a desk a row over from him, absently curling a strand of her hair around her figure, managing to look (in a way that Sirius had come to loathe) absolutely adorable.
"Don't look at her," he advised. James shot him a desperate look.
"Think about something else," Sirius advised. "Think about Quidditch."
"We have practice today," James said absently. "I wonder if she'll be there?"
Sirius smacked himself in the forehead. "You are the most insufferable person in the entire world!" he said, mimicking Lily's voice. James's head whipped around from where he had turned to stare at Lily once more, to stare at Sirius wildly.
"What? Lily said something? Where?"
Sirius laughed. "I can't believe you fell for that one, Prongs," he said, grinning. James smook his head but grinned, starting to laugh.
"I take the point," he said wryly. "I'll chill out."
Excerpt from the files of James Potter
Name: Lily Evans
Nicknames: Flower(not well liked), none
Age: 16
Hair: dark red
Eyes: bright green like emeralds shining in the midst of her beautiful face
Skin: lovely as a freshly fallen-snow, like lily petals glistening under moonlight
Height: short
Weight: next to nothing
Favorite Color: blue
House: Gryffindor
Where She Lives: Little Whiging?
Bag: black with blue trim
Favorite Scent: Honey or Vanilla
Pets: a cat named Qyntaryn
Astrological Sign: Aires
Chinese Zodiac Sign: no clue
Siblings: one?
Race: garglefinchian (Sirius, quit scribbling on my paper!)
Shirt Size: Small
Shoe Size:...very small
Clubs: Charms Club, Drama club
Toothbrush: honestly Sirius, how do you expect me to know this?
Favorite Music: Olivia Newton-John (who??)
Would she....(in your opinion)
Sings in the shower?: yes
Turn it up or just get closer?: turn it up
start it or finish it?: finish it
stay bored or get things done?: get things done
apologize or be stubborn?: if it were her fault she'd apologize, otherwise be stubborn
get rejected or never ask?: get rejected
know or think?: know
trust or suspect?: trust
kiss on the first date?: no (tearmarks stain the page)
Notes: Sorry, no preview, I haven't written it yet, and this was rather short-ish. Some of the quiz questions from http: //www.geocities. com/purpleabigail/quiz.html, if you really cared. This is my first humor stab after a lot of angst, so enjoy. I'm still waiting on Mel to email me about the Oracle, so that might take a while.
