Title: Why Snape Isn't A Physician

Author: Ivory Tower

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns all Harry Potter characters and concepts.

The door bursts open and in stalks Snape, black robes billowing, his greasy, shoulder-length hair hanging in his face. He is holding a clipboard and he has a stethescope around his neck.

"Well, Miss Granger, what seems to be the problem?"

Hermione just stares, certain she is either crazy or something is *very* wrong.

"I don't have all day, and I am not a mind reader. Now tell me what is ailing you or kindly remove yourself from my examining table," snarls the surly Potion Master.

"I-um-my arm. I think I sprained it," explains Hermione. Snape gives her one of his infamous "you are mentally inferior" looks.

"You are coming to me with a sprained arm? That is all?"

"But it really hurts and it's swollen!" insists a flustered Hermione.

"Put some ice on it. Now get out."

"But sir-"

"Twenty points from Gryffindor for arguing with me, Miss Granger. Shift it!"

Scenario #2

Ron Weasley is busy searching all the drawers for lollipops when Snape sweeps in, looking particularly angry.

"Lose something, Weasley?"

Ron resembles a deer caught in headlights.

"Professor Snape," he croaks, "what are you doing here?"

"Sit down and tell me why you are wasting my time, Weasley." snarls Snape, picking up a quill.

"Well, I was on my way to Charms, when-"

"The symptom Weasley. Not your life story."

"Uh-right. My neck feels a bit funny, and-"

"Wonderful. I am a liscensed chiropracter. Now be very still or I am likely to break your neck, Weasley."

Ron turns very pale as Snape's spidery hands close around his throat.

"I'm okay now, sir." Ron manages to say in a hoarse voice.

"Silence. Now, this will only hurt a little-"

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Everyone in the waiting room looks up in absolute horror.

"Help! Help! He's killing me!"

Silence.

Abruptly, the door swings open and out staggers Ron wearing a neckbrace, his eyes large as saucers.

Scenario #3

Harry is lost in a copy of "Quidditch Through the Ages" when...

"Ah, Mr. Potter. And what is bothering our young celebrity today?"

Harry swallows his gum and does a double take.

"Well, I think I messed up my shoulder during Quidditch practice, and-"

"Oh, here, allow me. Does this hurt?"

"...No..."

"This?"

"A little."

"Mmm hmm. And this?"

"Uh, Professor, why are you bending my arm back like that?"

"Silence. I'm a physician. Ah-ha, Potter, you have dislocated your shoulder. Allow me to pop it back into place."

"Is that really nec-"

PAIN!!!

"Pity," says Snape as Harry's unconscious body is magiked away on a stretcher. "It seems Mr. Potter will be unable to participate in Tuesday's match against Slytherin. How unfortunate."

Scenario #4

Draco proceeds to clutch his stomach and groan as the door opens.

"Professor, " he moans, "I think I've been poisoned."

Snape sighs. "Draco, you're a bit of a hypochondriac and it is steadily getting out of hand. Last week you swore you had gout, and what was it the week before that? Oh yes, your *ovaries* were swollen."

"But, Professor, I'm really in pain on this side. It started after I ate the beef stew. My insides are turning to mush. I can feel it!"

After much observation and a second opinion...

"Well, Draco, you were right."

Draco blanches.

"I'm dying!"

"No, but there is something wrong. You have appendicitis, young man. I shall have to remove your appendix immediately."

Draco shifts uncomfortably.

"Does this mean you'll have to cut me open?"

"No. I shall simply remove the appendix through your nose. Of course I will have to operate! Thanks to you and Potter, the game will have to be rescheduled. Don't look so worried, Draco. I have successfully diassected hundreds of specimens over the years. Draco? Poppy, go ahead and put him on the operating table. He's out cold."

Scenario #5

Neville trembles when Snape walks in.

"S-s-s-s-sir, I-I have these warts on my-where are you going?"

In the waiting room, the patients are roused from their apprehension by a loud argument.

"You take care of him, Poppy! I refuse to touch him or his filthy warts!"

"Severus, it is your duty as a doctor to help those who-"

"It it were anyone but Longbottom, I wouldn't care. That boy is a jinx! I do not want to end up with his nasty warts!"

"You should be ashamed, Severus!"

"Well, I am not." The door swings open and Snape's unfriendly greasy head peers out. "Next!"

~FIN~