Disclaimer: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.
"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"
Lose the Name of Action
chapter two: "too, too sullied flesh"
It's becoming more and more of a chore to get up in the morning. With the beginning of each new day, I get up a few minutes later. And even after those few minutes that I allow myself to sleep through my time allotted to prepare myself for the day, it's still hard to drag myself out of bed. Lately, my mother has had to physically pull my body from my bed and push me into the bathroom. I always feel so worthless after she does that. The entire day is ruined when my mother "gets me out of bed".
All I want is some time to think. Just some time to forget my problems.
I heard the violent beeping of my alarm clock. With much trouble, I lifted my head up to check the time. 6:49. It gave me about five minutes to shower. Not enough time at all. So I would be late for school, what did it matter?
I made my hand into a fist and smashed it down on the snooze button. I heard something crack. I had probably broken it. Oh well.
"Aya! Time to get up!"
The sound of my mother's voice made my entire body freeze. After getting over the initial shock, I buried myself further under the covers of my bed, hoping that she would pass the room by with nothing more than a glance. Please don't come in, Mother. Let me sleep through these last few days of school. Please. If you love me, you'll let me.
"Time to get up, sleepy head!"
I felt the covers being yanked off my body. With a groan, I opened one eye and found my mother's face an inch away from my own. Her bright, smiling face made my stomach twist into a knot. How could everyone else in my life be happy except me? How was it possible? Why had I been the one chosen to fall into a state of depression?
"Mother…"
"Up, up, up! Time for school, Aya!"
I felt her hand grab a hold of my arm. Not again.
Most pernicious woman.
"Aya, are you getting sick? Do I need to take your temperature?" My mother asked as she lifted me up under the arms and pulled me out of my bed. My heels hit the ground with a loud "thunk" and a sharp pain jolted up my legs. It was enough of a shock to help me regain control of my body. I put both of my feet down and lifted myself up. "Oh! Feeling better, Aya? Well, get ready for school. I'm leaving for work. I'll see you when I get back!"
She gave me a large hug and a sloppy kiss. With that goodbye, she left me to my empty room.
"Mother, why don't you help me? Can't you see that I need it?" I mumbled as I gathered up my school uniform from the floor. It was as wrinkled as a widow's handkerchief, but I didn't mind it. I then stumbled into the bathroom, dropped my clothes, and turned on the hot water. "I should just stay home. Stay home today and for the rest of the week, Aya. No one would care, no one ever does."
It was the truth. Takeo hardly saw me as a friend anymore. My constant come-ones had finally pushed too many buttons. He has had enough of me, I can tell. We hardly speak. It hurts to look at him. Every time I do, I remember how much I want to be with him. I remember when we used to be best friends and how he would just simply laugh and brush off my crazy tactics of love.
I'll miss him so much. His goofy smile, his clumsiness, and his shyness towards every girl he talks to. I'll even miss the vacant expression he always got on his face when he was daydreaming.
"Takeo, why must you lave me?" I whisper as I strip myself of my pajamas and step into the shower. I instantly feel the burning water on my back. It stung. It was the physical form of what I felt when Takeo would brush me off for Sawanoguchi. My back had turned a shade of red that could rival that of my hair. I simply sighed and stood underneath the water. I stood there and thought of Takeo. I just wanted him. I just wanted him to care about me again. That's all. A smile or a hug. That's all, Takeo. Don't leave for school. Stay here and be with me.
After a few moments, I realized that I was doing nothing but standing and letting the hot water hit me. Reluctantly, I grabbed the soap and began to wash myself. What would Takeo think about while he was in the shower? Sawanoguchi? Most likely. It seemed that that underclassman was the only thought Takeo could manage. I grabbed the shampoo and began to lather my hair. How do you feel, Takeo Takakura? You left your best friend for a clumsy, air headed, girl two years younger than yourself!
I stood under the water and let all of the soap and shampoo run slowly off of my body. I watched sadly as the white foam swirled and disappeared into the drain. It was a metaphor for my happiness. Beforehand, I was caught in the whirlwind of lust, anything else about the world unbeknownst to me. I didn't see that Takeo found me as a bother. I didn't see that Sawanoguchi was the apple of his eye. It wasn't until I hit the drain that I came crashing into reality. Takeo didn't care. Takeo never cared. He just wasn't bold enough to show it. Throughout the year, his rejections became harsher and harsher. "Aya… No." "Aburatsubo, stop!" "Will you just leave me alone?" It was a gradual crescendo of the latter.
"Oh, Takeo..."
After the soap was absent from my body, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. The mirror was too fogged for me to see my reflection so, instead, I grabbed my uniform and headed into my mother's room and then into her bathroom. My reflection surprised me. Instead of the handsome, well-groomed Aburatsubo that everyone at school new with his beautifully long maroon hair and his cat-like green eyes and his slim, athletic figure, I saw the Aburatsubo that had been demanding to be let loose for quite some time: messy hair that had lost its shine, worn and slightly bloodshot eyes with small bags underneath, a slightly burned back from the water, and over just a senseless waste of human life.
"What has happened to me…?" I asked to my reflection. I could only imagine the answer.
"Isn't it rather obvious? You feel in love with your best friend and know you're mourning the fact that you will never be with him and you are having a hard time finding someone else to take his place. My, my, my, what a tangled web we weave. You, Mr. Popular, as good-looking as you are, can't find himself a partner! Any one in that crazed fan club would sell their soul to Lucifer himself to spend the night with you. Pitiful, Aya. Absolutely pitiful."
"You forgot worthless…" I replied to my reflection.
Giving up on my appearance, I grabbed my uniform and slowly made my way into the kitchen. The clock on the oven read 7:13. School started in seventeen minutes. I didn't care. I didn't care how worn and ugly I would look with my wrinkled clothes, blood-shot eyes and messy hair. I would let my classmates think whatever they wanted to as I would stumble, late, into my first class looking like I had been rode hard and put up wet.
I mused with the idea of breakfast for a while and finally gave into my stomach. I popped a few pieces of bread into the toaster and stood there. Just waiting for it to cook. Waiting for it to burn. Another thing to ruin. I was getting better at it.
As I waited, I heard the doorbell ring. Who wanted to see me? Who wanted to see Aburatsubo mourning over his unreturned love and lost happiness?
I walked through the kitchen and to the front door. The doorbell was becoming more and more frantic, the tempo increasing by the second. Someone was anxious to see me. I unlocked the door and slowly opened it. And my heart skipped a beat.
It was Takeo.
"T-Takeo…" I stammered as I felt the blood drain from my face.
"Aburatsubo! You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late!" He stepped inside and shut the door. I couldn't respond, I was completely stunned. It was true, Takeo and I sued to walk to school together every day but we hadn't done it for about a month. I though he had forgotten about it entirely. I always remembered the simple pleasure I would receive from just being near him.
"Late for what?" My mouth had not caught up with my brain.
"School! We have a few days left until we're free!" He pushed past me. "Don't you want to get these days over with? I cannot wait. I've wanted this moment to come as soon as I stepped foot in our school."
Why, so you could finally take leave of me?
"But what about Sawanoguchi?" I asked softly. I glanced up at him. A small blush had formed on his cheeks.
"Well… Sawanoguchi is going to be an upperclassman next year and I thought that it would be nice if I were to--you know--take her out to a lunch during the summer. If she agrees to it, I mean, if she does say yes, then I plan to take her…"
For once, I didn't listen to his babbling. His heart was still for Sae. There would never be a way to change it. He would never fell any adoration fro me. No matter how much I hoped, he would always think of me as an annoyance.
"Takeo, will you please tell all of our teachers that I will be late for school today?" I had followed him into the kitchen and had sat down in a chair. I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them. I wouldn't look up at my failure. I couldn't make my own best friend fall in love with me. "I'm not feeling well, I don't think I'll make it to our first class. I don't know if I feel well enough to go to school today…"
Or ever again.
"You look fine to me. A bit on the naked side…" He pulled up a chair and sat across from me. I slowly looked up and met his eyes.
"I'm not fine, Takeo." I'm in love with you and you have brushed me off like a fly. I cannot make myself feel this way about anyone else. I don't want to. I've tried with Nakatomi. She really is a sweet girl but I'm only drawn to you. Understand me, Takeo. "I've been feeling sick all week. I shouldn't go."
Tell me you want me there. Please.
"Do you want m to tell them you'll be gone for the first class?"
"No, that I will be gone for the day."
"All right. Are you still coming to the party?"
"Yes…"
No.
"Well, see you then."
I should've jumped up and stopped him, told him exactly what was on my mind. Maybe then he would've understood. Maybe then he could've helped me. Maybe then he would've cared.
But I didn't. I let him walk out of my house and shut the door without saying a word.
Goodbye, Takeo. If only I could tell you how much I love you.
Maybe I could get one last kiss…
I stood up and stumbled out of my chair and threw open the door. Takeo was already on the sidewalk. I had only a few seconds. I ran towards him and collided into him, causing the both of us to fall down.
"A-Aburatsubo! What are you doing?" Takeo tried to get out from underneath me but I held him down. I was straddling his lower waist and holding his wrists above his head as I stared down at him. "I have to get to school, I don't want to be late!"
You care more about your ability to be on time then the emotional state of your friend?
"Takeo, before we both leave to go our separate ways, let me have one last kiss." I felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes.
"No! Get off me, Aburatsubo!" He twisted and turned underneath me. Watching him struggle made every part of my body ache. Why couldn't he let me have just this one last pleasure? This goodbye? I felt him stop moving. He must've seen the tears in my eyes. I waited for the harsh words to come. I waited for the rejection that I had received every other time. "Just… One more…?"
"Yes." I choked out. I couldn't look at him or else I would beginning sobbing and never would be able to stop. He was taunting me, rubbing in the fact that I, with my looks, intelligence, acting ability, talent for sports, and personality, couldn't make anyone care about me for who I really was. The person inside of me. Only Takeo knew what I was really like. And he had discarded him like yesterday's garbage. "Please, Takeo. This is the last time I'll ask."
I swear.
"…No…" The one word almost made my heart stop. I let my head hand for a moment before I nodded slowly. Even that small effort took some work. It seemed that everything became so much more labored. I felt Takeo sit up as he moved underneath me. Not even a "sorry" Takeo? I sat back and watched as he stood up. "See you tonight."
I got up before he was gone from my sight. I didn't want to sit there and watch him walk away. Instead, I, somehow, found my way back into my house. I had left the front door open in my hurries. All for nothing. It had all been in vain. Everything had been in vain. Every act of kindness towards Takeo Takakura had been wasted. He was nothing more than a narrow-minded adolescent. He would never think outside the box and allow himself to love his same-sex best friend. I had wasted so much energy, trying to make him do so. It was all hopeless.
"Never again, Takeo. I will never again bother you…" I said to no one and everyone.
I walked into my mother's bathroom again. As I, again, stared into my reflection, I saw how hard my eyes were trying to contain the tears that threatened to spill over and run down my face. Why couldn't he have just given me that one last kiss? Why? Why torment me like this, Takeo?
No.
I would never want anything from him again. I would never bother him in anyway again.
"You've gotten your rid of me, Takakura."
"But you'll still miss him."
I wasn't able to hold it in any longer. I sank to my knees and sobbed. With my head resting on the sink, I cried so hard it felt like I was going to fall apart. I was thankful to be alone. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. A shadow of what I once was. I didn't want them to see the Aburatsubo who would never be loved by anyone he wanted to be loved by. The Aburatsubo that, when asked for one last kiss, got the simplest of requests denied.
A strong odor reached my nose.
It was my toast. It had been burnt.
I could only cry harder.
Comments: I always imagined Aburatsubo to have some built up angst and I tried to keep him as in character as I could manage. (And I believe that once in every person's life they imagine what their reflection would say to them.)
"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"
Lose the Name of Action
chapter two: "too, too sullied flesh"
It's becoming more and more of a chore to get up in the morning. With the beginning of each new day, I get up a few minutes later. And even after those few minutes that I allow myself to sleep through my time allotted to prepare myself for the day, it's still hard to drag myself out of bed. Lately, my mother has had to physically pull my body from my bed and push me into the bathroom. I always feel so worthless after she does that. The entire day is ruined when my mother "gets me out of bed".
All I want is some time to think. Just some time to forget my problems.
I heard the violent beeping of my alarm clock. With much trouble, I lifted my head up to check the time. 6:49. It gave me about five minutes to shower. Not enough time at all. So I would be late for school, what did it matter?
I made my hand into a fist and smashed it down on the snooze button. I heard something crack. I had probably broken it. Oh well.
"Aya! Time to get up!"
The sound of my mother's voice made my entire body freeze. After getting over the initial shock, I buried myself further under the covers of my bed, hoping that she would pass the room by with nothing more than a glance. Please don't come in, Mother. Let me sleep through these last few days of school. Please. If you love me, you'll let me.
"Time to get up, sleepy head!"
I felt the covers being yanked off my body. With a groan, I opened one eye and found my mother's face an inch away from my own. Her bright, smiling face made my stomach twist into a knot. How could everyone else in my life be happy except me? How was it possible? Why had I been the one chosen to fall into a state of depression?
"Mother…"
"Up, up, up! Time for school, Aya!"
I felt her hand grab a hold of my arm. Not again.
Most pernicious woman.
"Aya, are you getting sick? Do I need to take your temperature?" My mother asked as she lifted me up under the arms and pulled me out of my bed. My heels hit the ground with a loud "thunk" and a sharp pain jolted up my legs. It was enough of a shock to help me regain control of my body. I put both of my feet down and lifted myself up. "Oh! Feeling better, Aya? Well, get ready for school. I'm leaving for work. I'll see you when I get back!"
She gave me a large hug and a sloppy kiss. With that goodbye, she left me to my empty room.
"Mother, why don't you help me? Can't you see that I need it?" I mumbled as I gathered up my school uniform from the floor. It was as wrinkled as a widow's handkerchief, but I didn't mind it. I then stumbled into the bathroom, dropped my clothes, and turned on the hot water. "I should just stay home. Stay home today and for the rest of the week, Aya. No one would care, no one ever does."
It was the truth. Takeo hardly saw me as a friend anymore. My constant come-ones had finally pushed too many buttons. He has had enough of me, I can tell. We hardly speak. It hurts to look at him. Every time I do, I remember how much I want to be with him. I remember when we used to be best friends and how he would just simply laugh and brush off my crazy tactics of love.
I'll miss him so much. His goofy smile, his clumsiness, and his shyness towards every girl he talks to. I'll even miss the vacant expression he always got on his face when he was daydreaming.
"Takeo, why must you lave me?" I whisper as I strip myself of my pajamas and step into the shower. I instantly feel the burning water on my back. It stung. It was the physical form of what I felt when Takeo would brush me off for Sawanoguchi. My back had turned a shade of red that could rival that of my hair. I simply sighed and stood underneath the water. I stood there and thought of Takeo. I just wanted him. I just wanted him to care about me again. That's all. A smile or a hug. That's all, Takeo. Don't leave for school. Stay here and be with me.
After a few moments, I realized that I was doing nothing but standing and letting the hot water hit me. Reluctantly, I grabbed the soap and began to wash myself. What would Takeo think about while he was in the shower? Sawanoguchi? Most likely. It seemed that that underclassman was the only thought Takeo could manage. I grabbed the shampoo and began to lather my hair. How do you feel, Takeo Takakura? You left your best friend for a clumsy, air headed, girl two years younger than yourself!
I stood under the water and let all of the soap and shampoo run slowly off of my body. I watched sadly as the white foam swirled and disappeared into the drain. It was a metaphor for my happiness. Beforehand, I was caught in the whirlwind of lust, anything else about the world unbeknownst to me. I didn't see that Takeo found me as a bother. I didn't see that Sawanoguchi was the apple of his eye. It wasn't until I hit the drain that I came crashing into reality. Takeo didn't care. Takeo never cared. He just wasn't bold enough to show it. Throughout the year, his rejections became harsher and harsher. "Aya… No." "Aburatsubo, stop!" "Will you just leave me alone?" It was a gradual crescendo of the latter.
"Oh, Takeo..."
After the soap was absent from my body, I turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. I grabbed a towel and wrapped it around my waist. The mirror was too fogged for me to see my reflection so, instead, I grabbed my uniform and headed into my mother's room and then into her bathroom. My reflection surprised me. Instead of the handsome, well-groomed Aburatsubo that everyone at school new with his beautifully long maroon hair and his cat-like green eyes and his slim, athletic figure, I saw the Aburatsubo that had been demanding to be let loose for quite some time: messy hair that had lost its shine, worn and slightly bloodshot eyes with small bags underneath, a slightly burned back from the water, and over just a senseless waste of human life.
"What has happened to me…?" I asked to my reflection. I could only imagine the answer.
"Isn't it rather obvious? You feel in love with your best friend and know you're mourning the fact that you will never be with him and you are having a hard time finding someone else to take his place. My, my, my, what a tangled web we weave. You, Mr. Popular, as good-looking as you are, can't find himself a partner! Any one in that crazed fan club would sell their soul to Lucifer himself to spend the night with you. Pitiful, Aya. Absolutely pitiful."
"You forgot worthless…" I replied to my reflection.
Giving up on my appearance, I grabbed my uniform and slowly made my way into the kitchen. The clock on the oven read 7:13. School started in seventeen minutes. I didn't care. I didn't care how worn and ugly I would look with my wrinkled clothes, blood-shot eyes and messy hair. I would let my classmates think whatever they wanted to as I would stumble, late, into my first class looking like I had been rode hard and put up wet.
I mused with the idea of breakfast for a while and finally gave into my stomach. I popped a few pieces of bread into the toaster and stood there. Just waiting for it to cook. Waiting for it to burn. Another thing to ruin. I was getting better at it.
As I waited, I heard the doorbell ring. Who wanted to see me? Who wanted to see Aburatsubo mourning over his unreturned love and lost happiness?
I walked through the kitchen and to the front door. The doorbell was becoming more and more frantic, the tempo increasing by the second. Someone was anxious to see me. I unlocked the door and slowly opened it. And my heart skipped a beat.
It was Takeo.
"T-Takeo…" I stammered as I felt the blood drain from my face.
"Aburatsubo! You're not dressed yet? We're going to be late!" He stepped inside and shut the door. I couldn't respond, I was completely stunned. It was true, Takeo and I sued to walk to school together every day but we hadn't done it for about a month. I though he had forgotten about it entirely. I always remembered the simple pleasure I would receive from just being near him.
"Late for what?" My mouth had not caught up with my brain.
"School! We have a few days left until we're free!" He pushed past me. "Don't you want to get these days over with? I cannot wait. I've wanted this moment to come as soon as I stepped foot in our school."
Why, so you could finally take leave of me?
"But what about Sawanoguchi?" I asked softly. I glanced up at him. A small blush had formed on his cheeks.
"Well… Sawanoguchi is going to be an upperclassman next year and I thought that it would be nice if I were to--you know--take her out to a lunch during the summer. If she agrees to it, I mean, if she does say yes, then I plan to take her…"
For once, I didn't listen to his babbling. His heart was still for Sae. There would never be a way to change it. He would never fell any adoration fro me. No matter how much I hoped, he would always think of me as an annoyance.
"Takeo, will you please tell all of our teachers that I will be late for school today?" I had followed him into the kitchen and had sat down in a chair. I folded my hands in my lap and stared down at them. I wouldn't look up at my failure. I couldn't make my own best friend fall in love with me. "I'm not feeling well, I don't think I'll make it to our first class. I don't know if I feel well enough to go to school today…"
Or ever again.
"You look fine to me. A bit on the naked side…" He pulled up a chair and sat across from me. I slowly looked up and met his eyes.
"I'm not fine, Takeo." I'm in love with you and you have brushed me off like a fly. I cannot make myself feel this way about anyone else. I don't want to. I've tried with Nakatomi. She really is a sweet girl but I'm only drawn to you. Understand me, Takeo. "I've been feeling sick all week. I shouldn't go."
Tell me you want me there. Please.
"Do you want m to tell them you'll be gone for the first class?"
"No, that I will be gone for the day."
"All right. Are you still coming to the party?"
"Yes…"
No.
"Well, see you then."
I should've jumped up and stopped him, told him exactly what was on my mind. Maybe then he would've understood. Maybe then he could've helped me. Maybe then he would've cared.
But I didn't. I let him walk out of my house and shut the door without saying a word.
Goodbye, Takeo. If only I could tell you how much I love you.
Maybe I could get one last kiss…
I stood up and stumbled out of my chair and threw open the door. Takeo was already on the sidewalk. I had only a few seconds. I ran towards him and collided into him, causing the both of us to fall down.
"A-Aburatsubo! What are you doing?" Takeo tried to get out from underneath me but I held him down. I was straddling his lower waist and holding his wrists above his head as I stared down at him. "I have to get to school, I don't want to be late!"
You care more about your ability to be on time then the emotional state of your friend?
"Takeo, before we both leave to go our separate ways, let me have one last kiss." I felt the beginnings of tears in my eyes.
"No! Get off me, Aburatsubo!" He twisted and turned underneath me. Watching him struggle made every part of my body ache. Why couldn't he let me have just this one last pleasure? This goodbye? I felt him stop moving. He must've seen the tears in my eyes. I waited for the harsh words to come. I waited for the rejection that I had received every other time. "Just… One more…?"
"Yes." I choked out. I couldn't look at him or else I would beginning sobbing and never would be able to stop. He was taunting me, rubbing in the fact that I, with my looks, intelligence, acting ability, talent for sports, and personality, couldn't make anyone care about me for who I really was. The person inside of me. Only Takeo knew what I was really like. And he had discarded him like yesterday's garbage. "Please, Takeo. This is the last time I'll ask."
I swear.
"…No…" The one word almost made my heart stop. I let my head hand for a moment before I nodded slowly. Even that small effort took some work. It seemed that everything became so much more labored. I felt Takeo sit up as he moved underneath me. Not even a "sorry" Takeo? I sat back and watched as he stood up. "See you tonight."
I got up before he was gone from my sight. I didn't want to sit there and watch him walk away. Instead, I, somehow, found my way back into my house. I had left the front door open in my hurries. All for nothing. It had all been in vain. Everything had been in vain. Every act of kindness towards Takeo Takakura had been wasted. He was nothing more than a narrow-minded adolescent. He would never think outside the box and allow himself to love his same-sex best friend. I had wasted so much energy, trying to make him do so. It was all hopeless.
"Never again, Takeo. I will never again bother you…" I said to no one and everyone.
I walked into my mother's bathroom again. As I, again, stared into my reflection, I saw how hard my eyes were trying to contain the tears that threatened to spill over and run down my face. Why couldn't he have just given me that one last kiss? Why? Why torment me like this, Takeo?
No.
I would never want anything from him again. I would never bother him in anyway again.
"You've gotten your rid of me, Takakura."
"But you'll still miss him."
I wasn't able to hold it in any longer. I sank to my knees and sobbed. With my head resting on the sink, I cried so hard it felt like I was going to fall apart. I was thankful to be alone. I didn't want anyone to see me like this. A shadow of what I once was. I didn't want them to see the Aburatsubo who would never be loved by anyone he wanted to be loved by. The Aburatsubo that, when asked for one last kiss, got the simplest of requests denied.
A strong odor reached my nose.
It was my toast. It had been burnt.
I could only cry harder.
Comments: I always imagined Aburatsubo to have some built up angst and I tried to keep him as in character as I could manage. (And I believe that once in every person's life they imagine what their reflection would say to them.)
