A/N: I'd just like to inform everyone that this is the FINAL CHAPTER. In this, you shall find… Insidious plots by inanimate objects, proverbial eyebrows, an EVIL NORRINGTON, more Norrington-almost-rape, the dreaded Grapefruit Isle, a climactic battle sequence, and THE TRIUMPHANT RETURN OF GOVERNOR SWANN!!! Enjoy!
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Jack and Norrington continued sailing.
"Well, it seems we'll have to stop in Tortuga for some supplies." Jack said.
"Stop? In TORTUGA!?! ARE YOU MAD!?!"
"For the final time, Mr. Commodore Person Man, please don't yell so loud, savvy? Hit me over the head with a bottle of rum and call me Poopsie-Pie, you're annoying as hell…"
Norrington scowled. "Where do you pirates come up with these weird expressions?"
"I learned it from me hat. It's, ehhhh… what's the word? Omni… omisnic… errr… all-knowing."
"Oh really?"
"It's a special hat."
They docked in Tortuga, and Jack turned to Norrington. "Well, I suppose you'd better stay on the ship, while I get some nourishment, eh?"
Norrington weighed his options. He could stay on the ship, but as he was only one man, he wouldn't be able to do much if Gillette and the others found him, or if other people discovered he was here, and could be mobbed, or violated. If he went with Jack, he risked being seen, mobbed, and violated. Norrington shuddered. Neither was very safe. They both involved violation of his person, something which he was not looking forward to, to put it mildly.
Jack began to walk off the ship. Norrington hurried after him. "Don't leave me alone here!" After all, the pirate had proved useful before, right?
As it turned out, Norrington was at least a little safe, as no-one was going to recognize him immediately on account of his lack of wig.
"My wig…" sighed Norrington sadly. "Wilson…" He tried to hold back the tear threatening to leak out of his eye. They all thought he had loved Elizabeth. What fools they were! He was just trying to get closer to her so he could steal one of her hair ribbons for his one TRUE love, Wilson. Perhaps a pretty blue one, that could be tied in a big, fluffy bow… Wilson had liked bows.
"Commodore Nose-hair?"
"It's…" Norrington stopped himself. Although by the looks of this town, it seemed like everyone had been drunk last night anyway, so they would be immune to the curse, it wasn't a good idea to take chances.
"It's James and you know it!"
"Really? I thought it was Commodore Thomas Gregory Armand Matthew Michael Philip Betsy Pineapple Norr…"
"SHUT UP SPARROW!!! LET ME WALLOW IN MY GRIEF OVER WILSON!!!"
Jack's Hat watched silently. This was not surprising, as, due to their lack of mouths and throats and other such vital organs, hats could not speak. Jack's Hat was also without eyebrows. This fact, that it had no eyebrows, or at least one, had been the source of anguish and pain to Jack's Hat for many years. Sadly, due to its lack of mouth, it could not communicate its sadness to Jack, and so lived miserably. However, if the hat had an eyebrow, it would have been raised.
Jack's Hat raised its proverbial eyebrow. A passing woman, who was probably a whore, looked at it longingly and sighed.
"I wish I had a proverbial eyebrow!"
She then went on her way, arm in arm with a very ugly and filthy gentleman who, like her, also had no proverbial eyebrow.
This made Jack's Hat feel slightly better.
Norrington, Jack, and Jack's Hat made their way into a seedy-looking, squalid, and in all ways decrepit tavern, and were given some suspicious-looking food and huge tankards of rum.
"Um, pardon me…?" Norrington asked the woman who had served them, "Could I just have water, please?"
"Water?"
"Umm… yes. Yes please, err… Miss."
"Water?" She called back into the kitchen. "Ye 'ear that, Charlie!? 'e says 'e wants WATER!" She burst out laughing, and, as the sounds from the kitchen proved, so did Charlie.
"Listen, me lad," she said, turning back to him and leaning her elbows on the table, giving the unfortunate Norrington a most undesirable view of her cleavage. "Water is fer sailing on, eh?"
Jack laughed and put his arm around her. "What have I always told ye, mate!? I LOVE Tortuga!"
Norrington sighed, and gingerly sipped his rum.
Suddenly, a very ugly and dirty man turned, saw Norrington, stared, did a double-take, and jumped to his feet.
"Well, sink me to the devil and make me his love slave, I'll be damned if it isn't Commodore Norrington!"
Jack rolled his eyes. "Damn, it's Gibbs…"
"Gibbs? Not Mr. Gibbs the drunken sailor who mysteriously disappeared one day and reemerged 10 years later as a drunken pirate?" Norrington asked.
"Aye, the very same! How've ye been, Commodore? From what I've heard, you've had a pretty rough day…"
"Errr…"
Gibbs stood behind Norrington and put his hands on the man's shoulders, rubbing him gently. He bent close to Norrington's ear and whispered huskily, "Come on now, James… let mummy help…"
Norrington jumped about 10 feet, hit the ceiling, and ran screaming to hide behind Jack.
"Gibbs? I can't believe it! Ye wasn't drunk last night, mate?"
"I was busy…"
"What's more important than gettin' drunk, Gibbs?" asked Jack incredulously.
"I… lost Fred."
Everyone in the seedy-looking, squalid, and in all ways decrepit tavern gasped. Except for Norrington, who was currently still trembling behind Jack.
"No!"
"Yes! He said that he couldn't stand how much attention I paid to the sexy Commodore, and left me!" Gibbs broke down in tears.
Jack nudged Norrington. "Go on, comfort him, mate. Be a sport!"
"No way!"
"What, did you have more fun with Barbossa? I mean, I suppose he was attractive in his younger days, but now…"
"Creepy undead men with apple fetishes are NOT my idea of fun, Sparrow!" Norrington shrieked.
Jack's Hat paid no attention to the argument. He was too busy admiring Norrington's eyebrows. They were… PERFECT. The perfect eyebrows. And they were so close, Jack's Hat could smell them. Well, if Jack's Hat had a nose, and other such important organs, he would have been able to smell them.
That's that, Jack's Hat decided. He would kill Norrington in the dead of night, and steal the PERFECT eyebrows. Then they would be his FOREVER!!!
If Jack's hat had a mouth, it would be open right now, cackling with evil glee.
"Who's Fred?" Norrington asked Jack later, after they had set sail once more and he was trying to get some sleep.
"His canteen." Jack said.
The next morning, they saw… an island.
"Land ho! There it be, mate… Grapefruit Isle… Home of the Crazed, Rabid Authoress La Pamplemousse."
Norrington stared. The island was no tropical paradise. It was dark, rocky, and downright creepy. "Well…" Norrington said, summoning all his courage, "We might as well go. I've grown quite tired of this curse…"
Suddenly, there was a shout, and Norrington and Jack turned violently. A bunch of men in boats were fast approaching.
"NO!!! How did they find us?"
"C'mon you scallewags! We're gainin' on em!"
"Gibbs."
Indeed, Gibbs and Gillette were heading the group of boats that were rapidly gaining on the SS Seamonkey.
"Hurry!" Jack began to steer the Seamonkey to shore, hoping and praying to the God of Rum that they'd make it there in time.
"Jack!!!" A shriek. A VERY womanly shriek. Norrington.
Jack once more turned from the wheel, and saw a sopping wet Will Turner on top of a frightened-looking Norrington.
"JACK!!!" Norrington screamed again.
"Oh, hush… I may be a blacksmith, but my hands are still smooth… Let me…" Will began to take off Norrington's shirt.
"NO!!! FOR THE LOVE OF RUM, DON'T UNLEASH THAT HORROR ON THE WORLD!!!" screamed Jack, jumping onto Will and knocking him off Norrington.
"I'm not sure to feel grateful or insulted…" Norrington sighed, as he buttoned up his shirt again.
Will was shrieking like a eunuch and trying to get to Norrington, but Jack was determined to not let him.
"Commodore! Take the wheel!"
Norrington looked abashed. "Me? Steer the ship? Are you mad? We'll be killed!"
"Oh come on!" Jack said, as he punched Will in the nose. "You're a Commodore! You must know how to steer a boat!"
"Umm…"
"Never mind!" Jack sighed, "Sorry lad. Ye know I don't mean this." He then shoved Will overboard and began sailing faster than ever before.
"NOOO!!!" Came a scream from one of the boats. It was Governor Swann. "NOT MY SUNGGLEBEAR!!! HE'S GETTING AWAY!!! NOOO!!! AFTER HIM!!!"
However, Jack was far too fast. They crashed the SS Seamonkey onto the shore, and Jack grabbed Norrington's hand.
"Hurry, this way!"
They ran across the rocky shore, until at last they reached the mouth of a cave. Sitting in front of the cave was a grapefruit. Jack nodded at Norrington, who picked it up.
Suddenly, in a whirl of orange and pink, they discovered themselves in a bedroom. A 14 year-old girl sat in front of a huge computer. Norrington cleared his throat. The girl looked up and squealed.
"Oh good, you made it!!! Hewo, my name ish La Pamplemousse! Hi Jack, the rum's over there."
She pointed to a closet, into which Jack quickly dove.
"Now then, as to you, my dear Norrington, what can I do for you?"
"I… I want this curse to be lifted!"
She looked puzzled. "You DON'T like my story?"
"NO! It's so creepy!"
"No, what's creepy is that." She pointed to a cage in the middle of her room, where an ugly old man sat. He looked like a twisted, hunchbacked, loony version of Norrington.
"I'll get you, Elizabeth my sweet, my precious… if I have to kill every man you ever met, you'll be mine…" he babbled inanely.
"Wha- What in God's name is that thing?!"
"That's your evil twin. He's the reason I wrote this. Scores of writers about this place ALWAYS portray you as a nasty, cold-hearted crazy bent on getting Elizabeth and killing Will, and killing anyone who would ever gets in your way."
"WHAT?" Norrington was confused. "But… But I'm nothing like that!"
"I know, dear. That's why I do this: Round them up and capture them. They must be destroyed… But anyway, you say you want out of this story?"
"YES!!!"
"Fine, fine…" She waves her arms about, and said the Magic Word: "HUZZAH!"
Norrington looked puzzeled. "The Magic Word is Huzzah?"
"YES! HUZZAH!!!"
Suddenly, there was a rushing sound, and Norrington found himself in his bed, sunlight streaming through his window. He got up, and poked his head out the window, to see that… no-one was watching him. A few children scattered when they saw him, a woman moved faster down the street than ever, and a man rolled his eyes.
"It was… all a dream?"
Norrington, still in his nightshirt and slippers, ran out into the street. He bounced into Elizabeth.
"Mrs. Turner! Do you love me?"
She looked as if she was going to be ill. "No."
Will Turner came up and took his wife's arm. Norrington accosted him. "Turner! Do you think I'm sexy?"
Will turned an interesting shade of purple, and hurried his wife along. Norrington smiled the biggest grin he'd had for a long time, and began to dance.
"IT'S GONE!!! IT'S FINALLY GONE!!!"
"Go put on some pants!" called a man from the corner.
"YAY!!!" Norrington was deliriously happy. It had all been a dream. A horrible, terrifying dream.
Suddenly, he felt a hand on his shoulder. He spun around to see Jack Sparrow, standing there, arms full of rum.
"So… How's abouts our bargain, mate? I think I may have left the SS Seamonkey at Grapefruit Isle…"
Then Jack's Hat attacked.
THE END.
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I just wanted to thank my reviewers! Without your constant encouragement, I could have never finished this insanely wacky fic! *throws cookies* FEEL THE LOVE OF SUGAR, AND THANK YOU!!!
