Disclaimer: I do not own "Mahou Tsukai Tai" or any of its characters.
"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"
Lose the Name of Action
chapter five: "to die, to sleep"
It won't hurt to go. I know it won't hurt to go. If I were to go there, I would simply grab some food, say a few words to everybody in the club, and then leave. Simple. So very simple. So very easy.
Who was I kidding?
Just thinking about seeing Takeo again made something in my stomach lurch. To see the man that I was unable to have. To see him swoon over Sawanoguchi. It would kill something inside of me.
Like it already has.
"Nakatomi. You're forgetting about Nakatomi, Aya." I mumbled to myself as I paced in the small space between my bed and my closet. I had spent the entire day in my room, either in my bed or pacing the lengths of it. I hadn't eaten since I'd woken up. I was hungry, but the aching in my stomach helped me forget about Takeo. It helped me forget about college. It helped me forget everything. "Just get dressed, go there, talk to her for a few minutes, and then leave. It's easy Aya. You can do this."
If I were to focus on Nakatomi and only Nakatomi, I would be able to make it through the night. I just had to imagine her small frame, her dark hair, and her voice…
With a new appetite for my looks, I practically dove into my closet in attempts to find the right outfit. After a few minutes and several articles of clothing on the floor later, I found exactly what I wanted: black dress shirt and a pair of black jeans that were new enough to still have the sharp color I wanted. After dressing myself, I grabbed a brush off of my desk and began to brush my hair. Because I had let it air dry, it had a slight wave to it. I needed it to be straight, as I usually had it. Nakatomi admired the way I looked day after day; I didn't want to change her feelings by changing my look suddenly before I left for school.
After checking myself over in the mirror, I told my mother where I was heading off to and left my house. Thankfully, my mother happily let me go, my absence completely unaware to her. She'd find out soon, though. The school would call and ask where I was today. Regulations. She would answer with the old, "Oh, I thought he was at school…" and would come to find me and have me explain. It wouldn't be hard to lie to her. But, if she wanted the truth, I would hit her with, "Sorry Mother, I was having a hard time living my life and since I am in love with my best friend, who does not return the feeling no doubt, the only way that I'll be able to survive these next few days is if I lock myself up in our house and starve." And if she didn't want the truth, I would simple say, "Sorry Mother, I was sick." Both would actually count as being true.
I suppose it would be a little hard to lie to my mother. It's not like she would beat me for it, it's just she has so much expectations of me and has told everyone she knows what a wonderful and darling boy I am.
"If she only knew…" I muttered to myself as I slowly walked down the sidewalk in the direction of Takeo's house.
I always wondered about my mother's reaction if she were to find out that I was gay. At the moment, she believes me to have a very "touchy-feely" relationship with Takeo and just sees him as my "little friend". Call it blindness, call it ignorance, call it ignoring, call it whatever you want, she still doesn't think I'm gay. She doesn't believe that I am in love with a boy. But what if she were to find out? Would she accept it? Would she recoil in horror and barge into my life in attempts to change the way I feel about boys? I can just imagine she and Nakatomi teaming up together in order to get me to like girls. It would never work. You can't change what people like. If someone does not enjoy something, they're not going to start liking that something if someone simply just tells them to. Life is much more complicated than that. If we were made to like something one minute and hate it the other, nothing would be as balanced as it is. Some people are just made to like certain things.
"Thinking a little too deeply tonight, aren't you, Aya?" Asking questions and talking to myself out loud was quickly becoming a habit for me. It was probably beacuase I was the only person who would listen to me and I was the only person who knew exactly what I was going through.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Takeo's house.
I've stood on his front steps, rang the doorbell, and opened the door countless times before. It was almost habit, coming to Takeo's house. I've been doing it ever since we've known each other. I'd been coming over for so long, no phone call before hand was almost expected. It was almost as if Takeo expected me to show up randomly.
But, as I stood on his front steps, I felt like such a stranger I wanted to leave.
And I would've if it wasn't for the fact that Takeo opened the door, greeted me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me inside. If it wasn't for those factors, I would've been asleep at home.
As Takeo dragged me into his living room, the desire to be asleep grew more and more. I had such a strong urge to sleep. Just to sleep, forever. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. I would be able to rest forever; I wouldn't have to deal with love and loss. Never again. I wanted that feeling so much. I just wanted the emptiness to go away. Sleep makes you forget things, correct? The moment when you're between consciousness and unconsciousness is when you remember nothing in your life. That second of blissful ignorance. I wanted that to be my entire being. I wanted that ignorance, that lack of emotion. I wanted to forget.
The man who broke my heart had his hand on my wrist. I wanted to grab his hand and to lead him to another room. I needed to tell Takeo what he had done to me. He had some right to now. I knew he did.
But for some reason, I couldn't open my mouth and say, "Takeo, I want to die."
"Mr. Aburatsubo! You came!"
"You're late, Aburatsubo."
"…Oh, hello Mr. Aburatsubo."
The greetings form Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, and Aikawa. True to character. I forced a smile on my face and gave them a small wave. I could still feel Takeo's warm hand on my cold wrist. I didn't understand why he hadn't pulled away by now. Did he want to touch me? He had never before.
He dropped my wrist and walked over to the three girls. Right on cue, Takakura.
"There's food on the table, Aburatsubo. We were all just talking about all of the times that our spells went completely wrong," Takeo explained as he motioned me over to the group. Not wanting to make him hate me any more than he already did, I obeyed and walked up to the foursome. With me included in the circle, we made five. An odd number. Usually, Aikawa was the odd one out. But tonight I felt as though I had assumed that role. I felt as though I didn't belong. They were all so happy to be around each other, my sudden gloominess wouldn't match. It was like those problems they used to give you in school. Which item doesn't belong? A clumsy, happy teenager. A bossy, happy teenager. An air headed, happy teenager. A goofy, happy teenager. A beautiful, depressed teenager. Three guesses who didn't fit.
"Hey Sae, remember that time when we tried that transportation spell after you and Aburatsubo got locked in that closet?" Nakatomi asked. I think she was attempting to make me laugh. It failed. I'm so sorry, Nakatomi, but it failed. "And you got lost and all of us had to go out looking for you? I barely got any sleep that night, it seemed we spent hours looking for you! And it was your fault the spell went wrong anyway."
Everyone laughed.
"Actually, Nakatomi, I think the reason the spell didn't work is because we didn't have group unity…" Takeo added as he looked at Aikawa who was busy braiding her long, lavender hair. She didn't realize that the attention had been drawn to her.
"Yes, that was probably it, Takakura," I said softly as I broke from the group to get some food. I wasn't that hungry, I just needed something to do. Something to get me away from the group. I just wanted to be alone. Either that or alone with Takeo.
The food looked too much like art too eat. I had to admit, if there one thing that Sawanoguchi and Aikawa could do correctly it was cook. Everything was so small and perfect, I couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. It didn't look like art, it was art. They had probably been cooking all of their lives, working hard each time. Actually earning the respect they deserved. I, on the other hand, was born with my athletic talent. I didn't deserve the praise everyone gave me. Sports came to easily for me to enjoy praise. Sure, I acted as if I enjoyed it but each time someone would say, "Good job, Aya!" "Congratulations!" it would eat me up inside. Why do we adore people who don't have to work hard at what they do?
"Aburatsubo… Are you going to eat something?"
The question brought me back to the party. I glanced at the source of the voice and found it to be Takeo. I shook my head.
"Okay. I need to talk to you, then," Again he grabbed my wrist and lead me away from the girls. It wasn't outdoors, as I had been expecting, it was up the stairs, down the hallway, and into his room. After he had shut the door, he let go of me and turned to face me. "It's about this morning."
"Before you say anything, I want to say that I'm sorry. I think I was still half asleep," I lied as I sat on the edge of Takeo's bed. I always wanted to sleep next to him, curled up with him. He never let me. I never got up the nerve to just do it. I always slept on the floor. Yes, he would offer me the bed but the thought of my love sleeping on the cold, hard floor made me cringe.
"No, no. That's not what I was going to say," Takeo said rather harshly. Had I made him angry? Did I need to apologize?
"Takeo, I—" But I was cut off when Takeo put his finger on my lips. He didn't want me to talk, to explain, to apologize. I didn't have the energy to lie either, I couldn't tell him that was the final kiss I had ever wanted. He would begin to ask questions and would talk me out of it. I didn't need that.
Before I could tell him "no", he leaned forward and kissed me. I could fell the air getting caught in my throat. Part of me screamed for joy, finally winning the endless battle. The other part of me sobbed, desperately awaiting the longing for more and the regret when that more could not be offered. I could only imagine what I would feel like after Takeo pulled away from me, after he left the room. I did not want that loneliness again.
But I couldn't help kissing him back. I had waited so long for an actual kiss. To feel his lips pressed up against my own. Nothing forced, nothing against someone's will. Completely a conscious action.
I wanted it as natural as the one I was receiving now.
I felt Takeo's hand run slowly through my hair, loosening all of the small tangles. His other hand was at my shoulder; slowly pushing me backwards onto his bed. I let him. I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. Just like every other day.
"You'll never change, Aya," a small voice in the back of my head purred softly. "You'll always have someone in control of you, forcing you to either change or hide your emotions and actions…"
I didn't want that.
With much regret and a reappearing pain in my stomach, I pushed Takeo away from me. He looked surprised. He had some right. After all, I had been the one who had asked for the kiss in the first place. Why was I the one who was stopping it?
"Takakura, I'm not going to force affection on you any more. I know you do not enjoy it and I don't want to be a bother," I made my voice as emotionless as I possibly could. As I slid out from underneath him, I felt the sure fire sign of tears as my eyes began to sting. I got off the bed. "I hope you'll forget all of the times when I annoyed you with my schoolgirl-esque ways. Please forgive me—I will never do so again… Have a good life in college. I know the girl you fall for will be very lucky indeed. Goodbye, Takeo."
And without another word, I left his room and shut the door behind me.
He had allowed me a sample of something I would never be able to have. I was being selfish, I had my cake and wanted to eat it too. I already had the friendship with Takeo (as unsteady as it seemed now) but I still longed for that more serious and more devoted relationship. That sense of love and adoration. I wanted it from Takeo. I wanted it all.
And I couldn't have it.
I had made a promise to myself that I would never bother Takeo again. I would stick to it. I would not break it.
"Aburatsubo?" I heard Nakatomi call out my name. Out of habit, I stopped, my hand out in mid-air, reaching for the doorknob. "Are you leaving already? You just got here! Please, stay a little while longer…"
Why? Why do they want me here? I couldn't understand. I only brought annoyance and embarrassment. I was good for nothing else. No one really liked me for my personality. It was all based on looks. All of the people who tolerated me had superficial feelings towards me. Nothing true, nothing real.
The desire to sleep forever overcame me again.
"I'm sorry Nakatomi, I am extremely tired. I was more sick that I thought I was," I spurted out. Maybe if I lied quickly, my brain would be unable to keep up with my mouth and the truth wouldn't come out. Maybe. "I should be going, I need to get some sleep."
"Oh, okay," she said softly.
"Give her a hug, Aya," a small voice said to me. "It'll be the last time you see her."
Giving into the voice, I reached out and pulled her small body close to my own. Her skin felt warm against mine. But it wasn't the same. She wasn't Takeo. No matter how hard I pretended, she would never be Takeo. It took me awhile to realize that my arms were tightening around her by the second. I almost heard a soft "ow" come from her. Was it my imagination? Probably. The more I thought about Takeo, the angrier I got. Why?
I recoiled and fled.
"Aburatsubo, the coward."
"It has a nice ring, don't you think?"
Oh, if only I could just fall asleep forever…
"Thus conscience does make cowards of us all,
And thus the native hue of resolution
Is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought,
And enterprises of great pitch and moment
With this regard their currents turn awry
And lose the name of action."
- Hamlet, Act III, Scene I, "Hamlet"
Lose the Name of Action
chapter five: "to die, to sleep"
It won't hurt to go. I know it won't hurt to go. If I were to go there, I would simply grab some food, say a few words to everybody in the club, and then leave. Simple. So very simple. So very easy.
Who was I kidding?
Just thinking about seeing Takeo again made something in my stomach lurch. To see the man that I was unable to have. To see him swoon over Sawanoguchi. It would kill something inside of me.
Like it already has.
"Nakatomi. You're forgetting about Nakatomi, Aya." I mumbled to myself as I paced in the small space between my bed and my closet. I had spent the entire day in my room, either in my bed or pacing the lengths of it. I hadn't eaten since I'd woken up. I was hungry, but the aching in my stomach helped me forget about Takeo. It helped me forget about college. It helped me forget everything. "Just get dressed, go there, talk to her for a few minutes, and then leave. It's easy Aya. You can do this."
If I were to focus on Nakatomi and only Nakatomi, I would be able to make it through the night. I just had to imagine her small frame, her dark hair, and her voice…
With a new appetite for my looks, I practically dove into my closet in attempts to find the right outfit. After a few minutes and several articles of clothing on the floor later, I found exactly what I wanted: black dress shirt and a pair of black jeans that were new enough to still have the sharp color I wanted. After dressing myself, I grabbed a brush off of my desk and began to brush my hair. Because I had let it air dry, it had a slight wave to it. I needed it to be straight, as I usually had it. Nakatomi admired the way I looked day after day; I didn't want to change her feelings by changing my look suddenly before I left for school.
After checking myself over in the mirror, I told my mother where I was heading off to and left my house. Thankfully, my mother happily let me go, my absence completely unaware to her. She'd find out soon, though. The school would call and ask where I was today. Regulations. She would answer with the old, "Oh, I thought he was at school…" and would come to find me and have me explain. It wouldn't be hard to lie to her. But, if she wanted the truth, I would hit her with, "Sorry Mother, I was having a hard time living my life and since I am in love with my best friend, who does not return the feeling no doubt, the only way that I'll be able to survive these next few days is if I lock myself up in our house and starve." And if she didn't want the truth, I would simple say, "Sorry Mother, I was sick." Both would actually count as being true.
I suppose it would be a little hard to lie to my mother. It's not like she would beat me for it, it's just she has so much expectations of me and has told everyone she knows what a wonderful and darling boy I am.
"If she only knew…" I muttered to myself as I slowly walked down the sidewalk in the direction of Takeo's house.
I always wondered about my mother's reaction if she were to find out that I was gay. At the moment, she believes me to have a very "touchy-feely" relationship with Takeo and just sees him as my "little friend". Call it blindness, call it ignorance, call it ignoring, call it whatever you want, she still doesn't think I'm gay. She doesn't believe that I am in love with a boy. But what if she were to find out? Would she accept it? Would she recoil in horror and barge into my life in attempts to change the way I feel about boys? I can just imagine she and Nakatomi teaming up together in order to get me to like girls. It would never work. You can't change what people like. If someone does not enjoy something, they're not going to start liking that something if someone simply just tells them to. Life is much more complicated than that. If we were made to like something one minute and hate it the other, nothing would be as balanced as it is. Some people are just made to like certain things.
"Thinking a little too deeply tonight, aren't you, Aya?" Asking questions and talking to myself out loud was quickly becoming a habit for me. It was probably beacuase I was the only person who would listen to me and I was the only person who knew exactly what I was going through.
Before I knew it, I was standing in front of Takeo's house.
I've stood on his front steps, rang the doorbell, and opened the door countless times before. It was almost habit, coming to Takeo's house. I've been doing it ever since we've known each other. I'd been coming over for so long, no phone call before hand was almost expected. It was almost as if Takeo expected me to show up randomly.
But, as I stood on his front steps, I felt like such a stranger I wanted to leave.
And I would've if it wasn't for the fact that Takeo opened the door, greeted me, grabbed my arm, and pulled me inside. If it wasn't for those factors, I would've been asleep at home.
As Takeo dragged me into his living room, the desire to be asleep grew more and more. I had such a strong urge to sleep. Just to sleep, forever. I wanted to close my eyes and never open them again. I would be able to rest forever; I wouldn't have to deal with love and loss. Never again. I wanted that feeling so much. I just wanted the emptiness to go away. Sleep makes you forget things, correct? The moment when you're between consciousness and unconsciousness is when you remember nothing in your life. That second of blissful ignorance. I wanted that to be my entire being. I wanted that ignorance, that lack of emotion. I wanted to forget.
The man who broke my heart had his hand on my wrist. I wanted to grab his hand and to lead him to another room. I needed to tell Takeo what he had done to me. He had some right to now. I knew he did.
But for some reason, I couldn't open my mouth and say, "Takeo, I want to die."
"Mr. Aburatsubo! You came!"
"You're late, Aburatsubo."
"…Oh, hello Mr. Aburatsubo."
The greetings form Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, and Aikawa. True to character. I forced a smile on my face and gave them a small wave. I could still feel Takeo's warm hand on my cold wrist. I didn't understand why he hadn't pulled away by now. Did he want to touch me? He had never before.
He dropped my wrist and walked over to the three girls. Right on cue, Takakura.
"There's food on the table, Aburatsubo. We were all just talking about all of the times that our spells went completely wrong," Takeo explained as he motioned me over to the group. Not wanting to make him hate me any more than he already did, I obeyed and walked up to the foursome. With me included in the circle, we made five. An odd number. Usually, Aikawa was the odd one out. But tonight I felt as though I had assumed that role. I felt as though I didn't belong. They were all so happy to be around each other, my sudden gloominess wouldn't match. It was like those problems they used to give you in school. Which item doesn't belong? A clumsy, happy teenager. A bossy, happy teenager. An air headed, happy teenager. A goofy, happy teenager. A beautiful, depressed teenager. Three guesses who didn't fit.
"Hey Sae, remember that time when we tried that transportation spell after you and Aburatsubo got locked in that closet?" Nakatomi asked. I think she was attempting to make me laugh. It failed. I'm so sorry, Nakatomi, but it failed. "And you got lost and all of us had to go out looking for you? I barely got any sleep that night, it seemed we spent hours looking for you! And it was your fault the spell went wrong anyway."
Everyone laughed.
"Actually, Nakatomi, I think the reason the spell didn't work is because we didn't have group unity…" Takeo added as he looked at Aikawa who was busy braiding her long, lavender hair. She didn't realize that the attention had been drawn to her.
"Yes, that was probably it, Takakura," I said softly as I broke from the group to get some food. I wasn't that hungry, I just needed something to do. Something to get me away from the group. I just wanted to be alone. Either that or alone with Takeo.
The food looked too much like art too eat. I had to admit, if there one thing that Sawanoguchi and Aikawa could do correctly it was cook. Everything was so small and perfect, I couldn't bring myself to eat any of it. It didn't look like art, it was art. They had probably been cooking all of their lives, working hard each time. Actually earning the respect they deserved. I, on the other hand, was born with my athletic talent. I didn't deserve the praise everyone gave me. Sports came to easily for me to enjoy praise. Sure, I acted as if I enjoyed it but each time someone would say, "Good job, Aya!" "Congratulations!" it would eat me up inside. Why do we adore people who don't have to work hard at what they do?
"Aburatsubo… Are you going to eat something?"
The question brought me back to the party. I glanced at the source of the voice and found it to be Takeo. I shook my head.
"Okay. I need to talk to you, then," Again he grabbed my wrist and lead me away from the girls. It wasn't outdoors, as I had been expecting, it was up the stairs, down the hallway, and into his room. After he had shut the door, he let go of me and turned to face me. "It's about this morning."
"Before you say anything, I want to say that I'm sorry. I think I was still half asleep," I lied as I sat on the edge of Takeo's bed. I always wanted to sleep next to him, curled up with him. He never let me. I never got up the nerve to just do it. I always slept on the floor. Yes, he would offer me the bed but the thought of my love sleeping on the cold, hard floor made me cringe.
"No, no. That's not what I was going to say," Takeo said rather harshly. Had I made him angry? Did I need to apologize?
"Takeo, I—" But I was cut off when Takeo put his finger on my lips. He didn't want me to talk, to explain, to apologize. I didn't have the energy to lie either, I couldn't tell him that was the final kiss I had ever wanted. He would begin to ask questions and would talk me out of it. I didn't need that.
Before I could tell him "no", he leaned forward and kissed me. I could fell the air getting caught in my throat. Part of me screamed for joy, finally winning the endless battle. The other part of me sobbed, desperately awaiting the longing for more and the regret when that more could not be offered. I could only imagine what I would feel like after Takeo pulled away from me, after he left the room. I did not want that loneliness again.
But I couldn't help kissing him back. I had waited so long for an actual kiss. To feel his lips pressed up against my own. Nothing forced, nothing against someone's will. Completely a conscious action.
I wanted it as natural as the one I was receiving now.
I felt Takeo's hand run slowly through my hair, loosening all of the small tangles. His other hand was at my shoulder; slowly pushing me backwards onto his bed. I let him. I let him do whatever he wanted to do to me. Just like every other day.
"You'll never change, Aya," a small voice in the back of my head purred softly. "You'll always have someone in control of you, forcing you to either change or hide your emotions and actions…"
I didn't want that.
With much regret and a reappearing pain in my stomach, I pushed Takeo away from me. He looked surprised. He had some right. After all, I had been the one who had asked for the kiss in the first place. Why was I the one who was stopping it?
"Takakura, I'm not going to force affection on you any more. I know you do not enjoy it and I don't want to be a bother," I made my voice as emotionless as I possibly could. As I slid out from underneath him, I felt the sure fire sign of tears as my eyes began to sting. I got off the bed. "I hope you'll forget all of the times when I annoyed you with my schoolgirl-esque ways. Please forgive me—I will never do so again… Have a good life in college. I know the girl you fall for will be very lucky indeed. Goodbye, Takeo."
And without another word, I left his room and shut the door behind me.
He had allowed me a sample of something I would never be able to have. I was being selfish, I had my cake and wanted to eat it too. I already had the friendship with Takeo (as unsteady as it seemed now) but I still longed for that more serious and more devoted relationship. That sense of love and adoration. I wanted it from Takeo. I wanted it all.
And I couldn't have it.
I had made a promise to myself that I would never bother Takeo again. I would stick to it. I would not break it.
"Aburatsubo?" I heard Nakatomi call out my name. Out of habit, I stopped, my hand out in mid-air, reaching for the doorknob. "Are you leaving already? You just got here! Please, stay a little while longer…"
Why? Why do they want me here? I couldn't understand. I only brought annoyance and embarrassment. I was good for nothing else. No one really liked me for my personality. It was all based on looks. All of the people who tolerated me had superficial feelings towards me. Nothing true, nothing real.
The desire to sleep forever overcame me again.
"I'm sorry Nakatomi, I am extremely tired. I was more sick that I thought I was," I spurted out. Maybe if I lied quickly, my brain would be unable to keep up with my mouth and the truth wouldn't come out. Maybe. "I should be going, I need to get some sleep."
"Oh, okay," she said softly.
"Give her a hug, Aya," a small voice said to me. "It'll be the last time you see her."
Giving into the voice, I reached out and pulled her small body close to my own. Her skin felt warm against mine. But it wasn't the same. She wasn't Takeo. No matter how hard I pretended, she would never be Takeo. It took me awhile to realize that my arms were tightening around her by the second. I almost heard a soft "ow" come from her. Was it my imagination? Probably. The more I thought about Takeo, the angrier I got. Why?
I recoiled and fled.
"Aburatsubo, the coward."
"It has a nice ring, don't you think?"
Oh, if only I could just fall asleep forever…
Comments: Hollar if I knock Sawanoguchi, Nakatomi, or Aikawa out of character.
