The Diary of a Misunderstood Policeman

(Part 2)

November 17

8:00 a.m.

The early bird catches the convict! Heh heh heh.

Just woke up. Am now listening to the noise of angry voices in the street.

Probably that idiot, Thenardier. I guess I'll get to arrest him today.

Again.

Ah, happiness.

Perhaps I should get up and shave. Don't need to be on the job until 10:00, though.

Got up and looked in mirror.

AHH!!! My sideburn!!! One of them is longer than the other!!! Oh, God, what can I DO?!?!?

There is foul play afoot. As soon as I shave the extra millimeter off of my right sideburn so it can return to its natural state of sexiness, I must find the person who caused this awful thing to occur!!

9:00 a.m.

police station

Stupid gamin kid showed up again. It's like he's begging for me to arrest him.

I did, for a moment, contemplate shoving him into a nearby cell. And just keeping him there. For a while.

No, wouldn't work. People would ask why he was in there.

And I would have no answer.

And my self-image would be cruelly DESTROYED.

9:10 a.m.

Put on crazy awesome police-style hat. Admired self in the mirror for ten minutes, then realized said gamin was still in the station. Laughing. And singing a really crap song in French. I think it was about little people, but my memory started to blur at that point.

I AM THE LAW AND THE LAW IS NOT MOCKED!!!!!!!!!

9:25 a.m.

Have locked gamin child in the farthest cell. Hopefully no one will find him.

SUCCESS AT LAST!!!!!!!!!!

9:45 a.m.

Pray God no child protection laws have been passed in the last half hour. Because that would really suck.

10:00 a.m.

On rounds once again. Gamin still in jail.

Finally, peace!!! Thank the Lord.

10:10 a.m.

Lots of prostitutes standing around in the Rue de Whatsit. Oh, you know what I mean.

Oh, GOD. They all have feet.

And although I may try extremely hard to suppress my foot fetish, IT IS NOT WORKING. 

A little rendezvous with one of them wouldn't hurt anything, now would it?

No, Javert. You are the LAW. You must not … you must NOT …

Great. I'm fighting with myself over whether to go off with some PROSTITUTE. What is WRONG with me??? I should be JAILING these whores, not ogling them!

I will not stare at the feet of prostitutes. I will not stare at the feet of prostitutes. I will not stare at the feet of prostitutes. I will not stare at the feet of prostitutes.

The fact that they're all looking at my sideburns with what I hope is a mixture of joy and reverence is NOT helping.

But it DOES help my self-esteem. As in, a LOT.

I think I have done enough work for today.

11:00 a.m.

Skipping merrily back to the police station.

My sideburns are sexy, and so am I! It is proven! Prostitutes are entranced by them!

…Wait, maybe this is not so good.

Will mull this over later. Much later.

12:00 p.m.

Stupid gamin still locked up. Also STILL singing. "And little people know, and little people fight" – well, HE won't be fighting any more. Not if I have my way. Heh heh heh.

I think I am slipping. You know, like, reaching but I fall, all that stuff. Threatening little ten-year-olds. Why am I such a violent person??

Going off to a quiet place to enjoy my proven prettiness in peace.

Au revoir, my lovelies!