The Trouble With Being Perfect

Chapter Five – The Gamble of James Potter

          WHO ponders National events shall find
          An awful balancing of loss and gain,
          Joy based on sorrow, good with ill combined,
          And proud deliverance issuing out of pain
          And direful throes; as if the All-ruling Mind,
          With whose perfection it consists to ordain
          Volcanic burst, earthquake, and hurricane,
          Dealt in like sort with feeble human kind
          By laws immutable. But woe for him
          Who thus deceived shall lend an eager hand              
          To social havoc. Is not Conscience ours,
          And Truth, whose eye guilt only can make dim;
          And Will, whose office, by divine command,
          Is to control and check disordered Powers?
 
William Wordsworth

My Lily-Strategy changed a bit, and this time it was completely original.  This plan wasn't like any of my others.  I didn't send her flowers or candy; I didn't follow her around; I didn't even sit behind her in class.

I completely left her alone.

Sirius asked me if something had happened, so of course, I told him.  He told me she would come around eventually, and because Sirius said it, I believed him. 

I stopped following Lily, and I stopped searching for her in the corridors.  I quit trying to catch her eye at dinner or sitting near her in classes.  I didn't speak to her at Prefect meetings or our Head Student conferences. 

In that little corner of you that has the surprisingly strong hold, I wanted that to hurt her.  I wanted her to wonder why she no longer had my attention.  I wanted her to want me back. 

And then I found out that I was just hurting myself more.  At least before I saw her in the halls and I could have my fantasies, but even that was lost by ignoring her.  Face it, I can't ignore Lily Evans.  She is like that really nasty tropical worm that crawls under the skin, and it can be seen under the flesh.  It can't be removed except by cutting a small hole and slowly extracting it by wrapping it around a twig.  There wasn't a twig suitable for removing her.

But anyway, I kept up my ignoring-Lily act for quite some time; my guess would be about a month.  I had a grand time running around with my friends and doing some things I had neglected.  I had fun, but it was an empty sort of fun.  Sirius watched me a lot, and I think he was worried.  Even Peter noticed I was a bit off-set, and he isn't the most observant of souls.

Peeves really did a good job of embarrassing me.  He would follow me down the halls, saying, "Here's Potty, why isn't he following Evans?"  Sometimes it would be, "Did Evans finally give you a good kick out the door?"

On the other hand, Lily looked happy and vibrant and alive.  When I saw her, she was nearly always laughing and chatting with her friends, and that really, really stung.  I have a feeling I had the lost-puppy dog expression on my face because a couple times her eyes ran across me, they soon rolled skyward.

My isolation period ended one day when both Lily and I were late for class and I saw her hurrying in a few moments before me.  She seemed flustered all throughout that class, and when the period ended, she started cramming her rucksack full of books.  She always sat alone in Advanced Runes because none of her friends took the class, and Remus had left me when he saw who I was watching.  Since we were the only two people left in the classroom, it seemed only logical I help her with her things when her bag split.  She had got to the doorway when all the books, quills, and ink pots went tumbling to the floor.  Lily stood there, staring for a few seconds, as if she couldn't believe what happened.  I gathered her things, but she continued staring.  I had no clue as to what was happening, but I went along with the situation.  I knew she had Transfiguration next, the same as me, so I started walking with her things and mine, leaving her to follow.  I set her things on top of the desk she usually occupied in the second row, next to her friend Katie.  I knew she had a hard time with Transfiguration, so she sat close enough to get a good view of the board but not close enough to be noticed frequently by Professor McGonagall.  That worked well because I was easily McGonagall's favorite student.  She never said so in as many words, but I could see a small smile when she would call on my and ask me a question no other student could answer, and I shot out an answer flawlessly.

Back to the story, she sort of just folded into her seat.  I went on to my own desk by Sirius, and I saw him scribble onto a piece of parchment:  Potter I ; Evans 0.

"Not hardly," I muttered, dreaming of the day we each had several tallies.

When Transfiguration was over, I considered asking Lily if she was doing okay, but I saw her walking with Katie and a couple other girls (note the flocking again). 

"So, Lily dearest, do you want to tell us why James Potter was carrying your books?" Katie asked, looking rather red in the face.

Lily wasn't ruffled, though.  She replied in a now-familiar tone, "My bag split; he picked up all my stuff."

"I don't see why you just don't admit you miss him following you."

"Probably because I don't, and if that isn't a good enough reason, he is right behind us."

There was instant silence.  Wasn't she great?

I still wanted to know what was wrong with her, though.