Disclaimer: Fushigi Yuugi is not mine. Don't sue, please!
Auhtor's Notes:
My! Thanks so much for all your reviews! ^0^ I'll have my proper show of appreciation to everybody by the last chapter of this fic!
Two hearts will cross once again
While another rediscovers
The love long lost by pain and circumstance…
--- g3ozLizh
Still Loving You…
Chapter Fifteen
Miaka walked along the familiar streets of Konan, deep in thought. It had been 3 months since she last set foot on this place and it brought back unwanted memories --- not in the sense that they bring unpleasant memories but because it only served to remind her of what she had lost.
She planned on returning to the palace but found herself hesitating, doubting if she's still welcome or not.
What will I say to Hotohori?
She cursed the day she wrote him those packs of lies… that… that letter. Nevertheless, she couldn't deny that somehow, it had been for the better… or was it?
She had been seeking peace not only of mind but also of heart. And she thought that hiding herself would enable her to accomplish such a long lost companion to her troubled mind and heart. How wrong she was. Yes, she did experience peace --- but it is not the same ---, along with the company of the warm couple who took care of her like she was part of a family.
Family? How long has she been away from her family? From Keisuke and her okaa-san? Unless she accomplishes this Suzaku business, she couldn't return. Even if she could, she wouldn't. Why?
Why?
Simple. She loved.
Then she stopped short.
Yeah. Loved, she thought forlornly. How long has it been since she experienced its power? It's overwhelming sensation?
She couldn't remember. These past three months were more like an eternity to her. Time dragged, chaining her to her past, making forgetting harder. But is that what she really wanted? To forget?
Time, healer of all wounds, failed to heal the ache.
And is that so bad?
Maybe it had its purpose. After all, there's a reason for everything. Why we still breath, why we need love to survive, why we need to feel pain…
A masculine voice reverberated in her head. There are just some things that can't be explained.
Just hearing his voice, even if it's only in her mind triggers all her pent-up emotions to spill, memories of not so long ago resurfacing once again. How many nights had she spent thinking the same thing over and over again? Yes. He had that kind of effect on her.
Tamahome, you told me that I have reason to believe that you left me for a reason. But what is it? Up to now, I still don't know why you left me.
She gazed up the bright blue sky, eyes glittering with unshed tears. "Tamahome…" Am I suppose to believe that you don't love me anymore? Somehow the question didn't feel right. She swallowed the lump in her throat. Am I suppose to believe that what we… had meant nothing to you that you could just decide to leave… just like that?
"Oh, darn it!" she frowned. After all this time, he was still on her mind.
And maybe that's one of the reasons why she couldn't make herself go back to the palace. Hotohori will be there and… and I couldn't let myself love him. No.
How ironic. Just as she have the freedom to fall back into his arms…
Tamahome, I'll prove to you, even if it will cause me eternal loneliness, that you'll be the only man I will ever love.
~*@@@*~
"Tamahome, would you like some ohagi? I made one --- "
"No. Thanks."
Her smile faltered. He didn't even glance at her. Yui felt like pulling her hair in frustration. One minute he surprises her with his sudden act of… love then the next he's stone cold towards her. What is wrong with him?
You know what's wrong, a voice in the back of her mind pointed out.
She ignored it just as she ignored his curt reply. Bringing back the smile to her lips, she stepped inside the room and placed the tray with the ohagi on the small table before hugging him from the back.
Tamahome remained motionless, unresponsive, sitting by the huge windowsill, despite the way Yui was embracing him with her face against his back. (A/N: Much like the one where Yui usually sits. You know what I mean, right?) He had nothing on on top and only drawstring pants below.
Yui closed her eyes, taking in the feel of his broad lean back against her body, before opening them again with a soft contented sigh. "I missed you this morning. Where were you?"
No answer.
Yui's forehead furrowed in concern. "Tamahome?" When he still had not said a word, she gently pushed herself and stood upright to stare at him. "Tamahome?" she called him again, this time with more force.
"I went for a walk."
Relief flooded her body. She waited for him to expound but it seems like he wouldn't anytime soon.
Yui stared hard at his back, hoping her eyes to bore into his head so that she would know what's running in that mind of his. She furiously blinked back tears. Even after all she did, all her time and effort, she couldn't seem to reach out to him. She wanted him so bad that it almost sometimes tear her inside.
Tamahome, what do I have to do to get through to you? Tell me!!! She felt like shouting at him. But knowing him for the past few months, he wouldn't even flinch. Gone was the man who had passion emanating from him, vigor in his actions and the animated personality she was drawn into so much. He usually would speak whatever was on his mind, fight for his belief and do things without thinking twice. She loved that spirit in him so much so that she wanted to be part of it. To be part of what makes him do what he does.
His inspiration? His reason for living?
He used to make her smile even in his littlest action for they seem so… determined and intense. But now, he is just one dead shell of a man. Now is that a picture of a man who has a motivation to live?
She didn't want to answer. Not because it was hard to know what the answer was but because it would hurt so much to admit.
Once, she thought that he was finally hers, that night where they first kissed inside the tent, right after he broke up with Miaka. She should have known that it was too soon. Too soon for him.
Too soon for his fierce love for her.
"Why can't you just forget her?"
"Who?"
"You know the hell who I'm talking about!!! Do yourself a favor, Tamahome! Stop moping over her!"
"I'm not."
"Yeah? I don't see you moving on with your life! Gods! You were the one who decided to end it with her!"
He was silent for a moment before he spoke, "Was I?" Tamahome slowly turned his head to look at her.
Yui had to stifle a gasp. Tamahome's eyes held on a strange look ofconfusion, sorrow and hollowness all mixed together. She only noticed them now… no! Not noticed. Something was really different about him, something she couldn't quite put a finger on. What is happening… or rather, what had happened?
Tamahome turned his gaze back to the sky out the window again. "Sometimes, I feel like I don't know myself. I do things that I wouldn't normally do and regret it the next."
Yui flinched, his words hitting her like a cold, sharp knife. Involuntarily, her hands clenched into fist at her sides.
"What's strange is, I do it again anyway."
His previous cold demeanor coupled with the perplexity from what he had just openly told her, Yui didn't know what to say so she cast her head down.
Seconds passed before he spoke again.
"Yui?"
Her head gave a little jump of happiness at the tender sound of her name on his lips. She snapped up her head and asked in an almost breathless whisper. "Yes?"
"Could you… could we…?"
Yes. I would do anything. Just tell me! Yui wanted to reach out to the man slowly opening up to him.
"Yui?"
"Hai. What is it?"
"Could you leave me alone for now?"
Or is he?
"What?"
"…"
Yui sighed in disappointment and resignation. "Of course."
~*@@@*~
He was outside the palace, watching the hustle and bustle of the people.
"Thwat's the Empewor, Okaa-san? But it's a woman!"
The mother quickly silenced her child with a stern look. "Miya! That's not a nice thing to say." Sensing that the Emperor's gaze was on them, she bowed apologetically, her face red from the roots of her hair. "Your Majesty, we apologize --- "
Hotohori held up a hand to stop the mother form blabbering, an amused smile on his face. "It is all right. I'm quite actually amused by you're little girl's honest impression of me."
The woman found his remark to be peculiar. Not knowing what to say, she gave an awkward funny look before hastily excusing herself and the child.
As he watched their retreating backs, he could still hear the little girl's voice insisting about the Emperor's gender. "But he wooks wike a woman!!!"
Hotohori chuckled silently. She so reminds him of someone.
Just say the name, Hotohori.
So he gave in. Miaka.
Somehow, the mention of her name didn't tug at his heart anymore. If she's happy, I'm happy. For the past three months, he had made sure to live by the promise and to just accept that it's Tamahome who was destined for her, not him. So then why had he not chosen to marry Houki yet amidst the constant hint and reminder from his council of elders?
As what his always answer was:
It's too soon.
~*@@@*~
He checked on her again this morning and…
Miaka wasn't in the cottage by the mountains. And from what he had heard, she hadn't told the couple where she was going. Call this a vibe but Tamahome was pretty sure something big was going to happen and an undeniable ache in his heart was present… something he hadn't felt for a long time.
Tamahome clutched his head in agony, eyes shut. Something was wrong with him. Very wrong…
Miaka…
~*@@@*~
"Hey, lady!"
It took a few seconds for Miaka to realize she was the lady being referred to. She turned her head to the direction of the voice and gave the grumpy man a questioningly look with eyebrows raised. "What?"
He was standing behind his little stall just a few feet away from her. "You're steeping on my paper fan."
"I what?" She looked down and there indeed was the fan crashed by her foot. She bent to pick it up only to find it smudged with dirt and… crooked. She walked towards the man and handed the fan back to him. "Gomen, I --- "
"I won't accept any apologies. You destroyed it, you pay for it." The man angrily crossed his hairy arms across his chest, thick eyebrows knitted together.
The nerve of the man! "It wasn't my fault it was lying on the ground where anybody could walk over it!"
The man jabbed a finger in her direction. "Then why did you say sorry? Doesn't it goes to show that you admit it's your fault?" The man gave him a smug look.
Miaka was infuriated. "Because it's the polite thing to do! You should be thankful that I even handed it to you. In the first place, it shouldn't be lying around where anybody can just trample --- "
"Save your breath. I don't need it. Just pay up!"
Fists raised ready to pound the man into oblivion, the police was just a moment too soon.
"Hey! What's all the ruckus here?"
Miaka turned to address the police. "Officer, this man here is accusing me of destroying his paper fan when in fact I did not!"
"Hah! Yes you did. You walked over it. You saw it yourself!"
"It was unintentional! And it's not even suppose to be lying around --- "
"Enough!"
It was a good thing that the officer had some sense of common sense unlike the illogical vendor. So the little dispute was settled with Miaka not needing to pay and the grumpy man muttering curses as she left.
She was walking without really knowing where she was going. So furious was her for the vendor that she didn't realize she was walking on dangerous grounds.
Miaka stopped dead in her tracks. Before her, the majestic palace stood in all its glory and she couldn't help but replay in her mind all the wonderful memories she had with it.
The common folk walked pass by in front of her, doing their transactions or just plain strolling along like she did. What made her come back, she haven't got a clue. All she knew is that, she has to have a see and feel of the place again. It was like home to her.
She was standing beside a wall, hidden from plain view of the gates to the palace. She wouldn't take any chances. She couldn't. If Hotohori sees her, what would she say? Lying to him through a letter was one thing but lying to him --- vis-à-vis --- that's something else.
"But he wooks wike a woman!!!"
Miaka saw a little girl pouting as she tried to insist on her opinion.
"Miya, he's not. The Emperor just looks like one. It's a good thing he was kind enough to let that one pass." The mother patted the girl's crown of blonde head as the cute one continued to pout but she didn't argue this time.
Miaka chuckled half-heartedly. She can just picture herself once again as she tried to feel for the Emperor's breasts and…
She stopped her train of thoghts and her smile froze too. She was thinking of him again.
"Baka! Baka! Baka!" she muttered, smacking her forehead with the palm of her hand. She turned around abruptly, causing her to crash against a person.
"You!!!"
Miaka realized it was the vendor from before. "What?" she shouted back.
"Look what you did to my eggs! They're all ruined!"
Miaka glanced down and true indeed, about more than two dozens of eggs lay broken on the ground.
"I… I… " She didn't know what to say. Was it really her fault this time?
The man was stomping his foot. "This is twice in one day! You can't squeeze yourself out this time!"
So disoriented were her thoughts still that all she could do was stutter. "But… but…"
"No buts! I --- "
The man suddenly stopped ranting and he uneasily lowered his gaze. "Your Majesty." He bowed down.
Miaka froze. Suddenly, she couldn't breathe. Is it really Hotohori behind her?
Yes. His scent was filling her.
"Show some respect to the Emperor!" the man hissed through clenched teeth. He walked away to the other side, not wanting to let the girl get away after she had paid proper respect to the Emperor.
Miaka's eyes took on a frantic look. Maybe he wouldn't be able to recognize her with short blonde hair. She must have the quickest turn around and back in her whole life. "Your Highness." She hoped she had bowed down enough to hide her face. With her voice, she didn't have to worry for it came out as breathless and low.
Just when Miaka thought she was safe, she slid over the scattered broken eggs. What was worse, she was falling back, flailing her arms to regain her balance… but to no avail.
When she felt Hotohori's arms catch her in time and his warm body against her back, she nearly fainted. She didn't know he still have this effect on her even after all this time.
He steadied her into a standing position only for her to cry out in pain.
"Miaka?!" He recognized her voice.
It seemed that she had sprained her ankle.
Miaka had no choice but to hold on to his shoulder and hiding her face from view is futile in her current position.
Hotohori didn't waste any time. Questions can be asked for later. He scooped Miaka up in his arms much to Miaka and the bystander's surprise.
Miaka could only let him as her face contorted in pain. Her ankle hurt so much… or was it her heart?
To be continued…
Author's Notes:
Just to make all this clear, I'm not following a definite timeline in this fic and you might wonder on which portion of the series does this whole plot lie. Somewhere along the middle of the fic where they still hasn't summoned Suzaku yet. Notice the lack of "mystical magic" and any other events and elements from the series in this fiction of mine. I really am not doing so much in accordance with the series itself (is that bad?). What I do is just focus on the Tamahome-Miaka-Hotohori love triangle so don't be surprised that even if they still are on the quest for Suzaku, there is no much action or mention of that in this part --- yet --- I think… ^_^;; Hope I'm not confusing any of you! If any one of you would like to clarify some things, do drop me an email. I don't bite! ^_^ Or by leaving a review. Either way is okay.
But of course, if any of you have suggestions as to make the fic more in sync with the happenings in the series, let me know (email, review section) and I will add it and give you credit.
Till next time! (^_^) V
Ja ne!
g3ozLizh
