Chapter 3.
(Hopefully this will be the last chapter guys but I don't know, you see after I turned on my Sindarin translator on the TV, the prince watched both the Fellowship of the Ring and then Two Towers, both extended versions, in a row! He was quite taken aback by some of the changes PJ made and was ranting the rest of the night. I reminded him of his noble quest with this whole story and he just snorted and played the council scene in the Fellowship over and over and over again, as if he was sure the lost 10 pages of lines would show up somehow. I tried to explain to him about movie time constraints but, needless to say he didn't listen. So if he starts ranting I am sincerely sorry and the disclaimer from last chapter applies here too ok?)
After last night's viewing of the movie's that have made my character so popular I think I now understand the fanfic writer's mind. It is not all evil as I had thought, but this person Orlando Bloom and this other Peter Jackson are to blame.
(You really can't diss an actor, especially Orlando I don't think people will read this if you, um, insult them)
I will not insult them; I am merely explaining who is to blame for all the affection showed towards my character.
(Yes and I understand, but there are these people called fangirls and I really don't want to be hunted down and killed like some warg for your insults)
If these "fangirls" are really enamored with me they will not harm you for what I have said.
(You'd be surprised)
As I was saying, the reason you all are so enamored with the firstborn and make up these ridiculous stories is because the way elves are portrayed in the movie.
(Ranting coming be forewarned)
The elves including myself in that movie are nothing more than humans! What I mean to say is they do not even resemble our kind. It is as if these humans wanted to playact like little children and put on fake ears and hair to do so. The closest portrayal was certainly Lady Galadriel of whom I am informed scared everybody in the first movie. I must declare the lady in the movie has no beauty comparable to the real Lady Galadriel's but she played the heart of the Lady well. I daresay if any of you were to see the real elves of which you write you would be as Annabeth calls it "freaked out" by us as you were in the first movie.
We are not human, our wisdom compared to yours is as that of a strong oak next to a sapling. Now to the real purpose of this chapter, the dreaded Legomance section. Do you realize that on Fanfiction.net alone, there are more than 60 romance fics with myself? I am now glad that Gimli my companion was not also sent to this strange world for he would surely be disappointed that there are only a handful of fics about him.
The first and foremost are the dreaded Mary-sues… Now I have read many so you may not accuse me of being partial, all Mary sues are not evil. As I have said before they are merely the result of the human's attempt to portray the firstborn. As there are none of us left in this time you have no comprehension of what we were like. So the writers try to make us like humans in our courtship and romance.
I will say now that no courtship between a human and an elf has happened in this middle-earth after King Aragorn and Queen Arwen Undomiel. The simple reason? Maturity. An elf could not marry an immature human no more than an old man would marry a babe still upon its mother's breast.
(Hey I said to be careful, I don't want to have to rate this any higher than PG)
The reason behind the formerly mentioned romance was that Aragorn is of the long-lived men. He was more mature than any of his kin and being raised among elves as elf-like of any men as could be possible. Therefore he was not a normal man. All these stories with me falling in love with a mortal are ridiculous. I have known many good women but I cannot say I was attracted to any of them.
I am nearly 3000 years old and my maturity could not be compared to that of a twenty year old no matter how much beating and torture she has been through. If you have not noticed torture and abuse makes a person more mature about as much as hitting a person will make them more wise.
Now I will not talk of the romances where I fall in love with an elf-maiden because most of these are humanized, if I had fallen in love with a she-elf then our courtship would have lasted far longer than a few years and I would never have impugned her honor by sleeping with her before our troth was pledged.
Many elven courtships last far longer than 300 years. The truth is I have not yet found my match and I do not go through life being forlorn about it either! I have work in Ithilien and when that is over I will sail with Gimli to the undying lands, for the sea calls to all of us.
The final category under this writing is a hard one to explain for myself because I do not fully understand it either. I have embarrassed young Annabeth enough over it for she has tried to explain it to me…
(With little success)
This is what you call "slash", and is comparable to the Mary-Sue's. I never have or will be involved with another male intimately and unlike what many of you would like to think no firstborn ever has. I have said before we are unlike humans in our romance. And I suppose within the small understanding humans have this slash would seem a good explanation for many things, but I really must protest.
I can understand that many of you don't understand, and this is again because none of you have ever seen our kind. I will forgive you. But I must make it plain that it is impossible for me to be pregnant! We may be older but we are not, huhmmm… physically different than our human counterparts, I cannot see how this is possible to think because Elrond and Celebrian had Arwen and the twins. And Arwen presumably had relations with Aragorn to have a child. It is impossible to assume that some of us are made differently and others not so.
Some of these even have me involved with my dear companion Gimli! He is a valiant dwarf with a temper far hotter than mine, I am glad he cannot see this for surely he would kill you all.
(That's bad grammar; you must be pretty heated up about this)
Yes I am! This growing faction of writers makes me bear a child! I am not a woman nor have I ever been! Most of these stories also question my honor and have me running up a tree every time danger comes about! I am a warrior of 3000 years, does anybody really think I am a frail child! I can fight like any other and if I find my soul mate (female) than I will court and wed her, but never will I ever….
(Ok you really need to settle down ok, just say what you want without breaking my keyboard)
Indeed, there my mind is clear. I make this last plea with you, that you may not defame the honored names of the ring bearer, of the King Aragorn, of the Lord Thranduil. For myself I ask nothing, though I hope you will be convicted by this plea. Do not defame the names of those who assured a future full of light and not filled with the darkness of Morgoth. Thank you.
(After that, Legolas leaned back in the chair and closed his eyes quietly, muttering some phrase in elven. He turned and laid a hand on my head, and I felt like a child cowed in his presence, we really do not understand elves. I opened my eyes and he was gone, though his writing remained. Here it is, with the hope that it will accomplish whatever he wanted it toooooooo…What the heck!!!)
Hello my name is Samwise Gamgee…. I hate what you are doing to my poor master; Mr. Frodo is a good soul and you all…
(He just fell in my lap I swear! Here we go again…)
