Suffer the Little Animals
An Animal Crossing/Friday the 13th Crossover
Part One
Author's Notes:
So, I decided to take a break from my Nightmare on Elm Street fan fiction that I was writing, (which is shaping up to be more of a drama/horror story) and I thought I'd write something that was funny rather than serious.
This story has changed shape a lot. Originally it stemmed from a dream that I had which was a strange blending of Resident Evil and Animal Crossing, only the animals were zombies created by Mr. Resetti, and Jill Valentine and Totokeke had to team up to defeat them. I had toyed with the idea of writing it as best I could remember, but the last story I wrote that came from a dream I had wasn't very good. Just very strange. And it had no plot.
I then considered doing an Animal Crossing/Evil Dead crossover, and have the little animals turn into deadites, and have Ash blow them away with his mighty Boom-Stick. But then I finally watched Freddy vs. Jason, and a sick, twisted idea came into my head. Why not send the animals to Camp Crystal Lake? More people are familiar with Jason than Ash, and unlike the Evil Dead series, there's not really much of a plot besides Jason killing people. (See why I couldn't have this story in the Friday the 13th category?) But then, I suppose one could argue that's the same of most horror movies, but this is my story, so shut up.
I usually don't write in "Hyperfan," as it is rather un-professional. But it's oh so tempting. Besides, I don't feel like writing in prose. So there. I unclog my nose at you.
If you don't like this story, don't summon the bees on me or decapitate me with your golden shovels and then bury me under your houses with the said shovel for good luck. I never did nothin' to you. Except eat all your first-born children. They were de-lish-oussssss...
With that said, on with the story!
* * *
Totokeke: (strumming a guitar in a dark room, under a single, bare light bulb. He looks up at the readers.) Hey, dudes. I was just chillin'. Playin' gigs all night can make a dog… well… dog-tired. You wanna hear me spin a yarn for ya?
Children: (Off screen) Yeah!
Totokeke: Cool. Let's boogey, then. (Strums guitar again and sings.)
Ten animals went on a train,
On a fateful Friday morning.
Little did they know that the next day,
Would be a day of mourning!
(We now see Blanca, the faceless cat, wandering around town, perhaps waiting for the train. She walks by a fortuneteller's tent. She then stops, and jumps and squeals in joy. We can only assume it is her squealing, because, being faceless, she has no mouth. She happily skips to the tent and pokes her head in, seeing a mysterious panther over a desk cluttered with tarot cards, gold coins, and a crystal ball.)
Blanca: (Very loudly) HI!
Panther: AUGH! MY HEART! (Collapses, clutching her chest.)
Blanca: (Stares at the panther.) Um… are you all right?
Panther: (Pulls herself up so that she is seated at the desk, her large eyes bulging from her head.) A pox upon your first born, you son of a motherless goat!
Blanca: I sorry. But I am a girl. And I'm not a goat.
Panther: (Squints at Blanca.) I see. What happened to your face?
Blanca: Oh, lukey-dukes! My face came off again, didn't it? Can you draw me another one, real quick?
Panther: Hmm. I suppose. But that'll be an extra 50 bells. I assume you want me, the great Katrina, to read your fortune?
Blanca: Yesh. And draw me a face real quick, okay?
Katrina: Very well. (Grabs a quill pen from her desk, and quickly draws a photo-realistic picture of Gary Coleman's face.) So, do you want me to tell your friggin' fortune or not?
Blanca: Okay! (Hands Katrina a little bag of 100 bells.) Tell me my fortune, oh mighty drawer-of-faces-and-such!
Katrina: Whatever. (Stares into the crystal ball.) Kee-ya-mo-ta… Kee-ya-mo-ta… KEEYA! (Light bulb appears over her head.) Ahem. I am through.
Blanca: Oh, happy day!
Katrina: In a Japanese bath house… Donald Trump… will be spanking… a man in a squid costume…
Blanca: What in the gay blue heck is that supposed to mean?
Katrina: It means… oh, Jesus Christ on a pogo stick…
Blanca: What?
Katrina: (Eyes turn completely white, and speaks in a demonic child's voice) Don't go to Camp Crystal Lake…
Blanca: Neat trick! You gotta teach me to do that!
Katrina: SILENCE! I said don't go to Camp Crystal Lake!
Blanca: But I already paid for train tickets to go there.
Katrina: (Head starts to spin, while white foam pours out of her mouth like bubble bath.) Jason Voorhees will kill you all… one by one… and you shall all burn in the ETERNAL FLAMES OF HELL!
Blanca: Okay, that's kinda creepy.
Katrina: (Floating high above Blanca.) Do not go… do not go… DO NOT GO!
(A train whistle blows in the distance.)
Blanca: Oh! That's my train! Well, I gotta go! Love you, bye!
Katrina: YOU STUPID KITTY! I TRY AND GIVE YOU AN OMINOUS WARNING OF YOUR VERY DOOM, AND YOU IGNORE ME! I HOPE JASON KILLS YOU FIRST! DAMN YOU! DAMN YOU TO HELL!
Blanca: (Has already left the tent.)
Katrina: … Oh, nutbunnies.
Blanca: (Running up to the train station, sending other animals trying to board flying in every which direction, while they hurl German obscenities in her direction. A monkey conductor stops her.)
Conductor: Do you have a ticket, Mr. Coleman?
Blanca: Excuse me? Who is Mr. Coleman. I'm a girl!
Conductor: Um… yeah… right… anyway, do you have your ticket?
Blanca: Right here, biz-natch! (Slaps a ticket into the conductor's monkey paw.)
Conductor: Um… right… (Tears off part of the ticket and hands Blanca the stub.) Do you need help finding you seat?
Blanca: Whatchu' talkin' 'bout, Willis?
Conductor: (Snickers, obviously trying not to laugh too hard.)
Blanca: … What?
Conductor: It's nothing… tee hee… just, um, find your seat. Hee hee hee hee…
Blanca: … Whatever. (Boards the train while the Conductor finally succumbs and bursts out in hysterical laughter. She looks around, looking for an empty seat. She spots one, then scuttles over to it, as the other animals on the train do surprised double takes. She sits down next to a grumpy-looking wolf.)
Blanca: (Stares at the wolf.)
Wolf: (Grumbles something to himself, trying to ignore her.)
Blanca: (Stares harder, leaning towards the wolf.)
Wolf: (Shields his face from Blanca with a paw.)
Blanca: (Leans even closer, so that she is literally breathing down the neck of the grumpy-looking wolf. She starts to breathe in a way that sounds like a mix between Michael Myers and Darth Vader.)
Wolf: WHAT IN GOD'S NAME IS WRONG WITH YOU? (Waving arms in pure, wolf-y anger and grumpiness.)
Blanca: Ha! No one can withstand my awesome staring powers!
Wolf: Oh, really?
Blanca: Yeah. I can stare down a cactus.
Wolf: … I'm not even going to dignify that with a comment.
Blanca: I am Blanca! What is your name, Mr. Grumpy Man?
Wolf: … It's Lobo. Now, why don't you go drink some bleach or something?
Blanca: Sounds like fun! Are you going to Camp Crystal Lake too?
Lobo: Yeah, so?
Blanca: Yay! It shall be fun, or I will go jump in the lake while tied to a rock.
Lobo: It better be fun. I paid good bells for these tickets.
(Meanwhile, somewhere else, Crazy Redd is in his Black Market tent, counting bells happily while humming to the tune, "We're in the Money.")
Crazy Redd: Suckers!
(Back on the train, the whistle blows, and the train has started to go into motion. Blanca has started to jump up and down excitedly in her seat, while Lobo regards her with mild amusement.)
Blanca: Now is the happy time for you and me!
Lobo: Tell me, did you forget to take your medication before you left?
Blanca: What medica- HEY!
(The train is now departing from the station, blowing out clouds of smoke, as Totokeke sits with the conductor, strumming his guitar.)
Totokeke: (Whistles for a bit, then sings.)
So Blanca set out on her fateful trip,
With her grumpy friend Lobo,
But will she ever make it back?
Jason might kill her, oh no! (Stops singing.) Stay tuned for part two of… Suffer the Little Animals!
Children: Yay!
