Suffer the Little Animals
Part Two
Totokeke: (Sitting on the back of a caboose, strumming a guitar, and, of course, singing.)
We come back to our friend Blanca,
Who is riding on the train,
And is experiencing
Some gastro-intestinal pain.
(We go back to Blanca, who is still wearing the Gary Coleman face. She is holding her stomach and moaning, apparently in great pain.)
Blanca: Ooooog… my insides… they are… hurtful somehow…
Lobo: Maybe you shouldn't have put all that mayonnaise on that complimentary bucket of fried clams you just ate.
Blanca: (Weakly.) Where are the airsick bags?
Lobo: …What airsick bags?
Blanca: Don't they have airsick bags?
Lobo: That's on planes, you idiot. This is a train. People don't get airsick on trains.
Blanca: …I do.
Lobo: OH, SWEET MONKEY JESUS! DON'T BARF ON ME!
(Upon hearing Lobo's outburst, the other animals on board panic, shouting at Blanca not to throw up, but, if she must throw up, to kindly do so out the window.)
Blanca: (Climbs over Lobo, sticks her head out the window, and proceeds to toss her cookies. Many noises of disgust are made by the other animals.)
(Meanwhile, a blue gorilla is walking by the railroad tracks, with a hobo sack slung over his shoulder. He is singing to himself a jolly tune.)
Gorilla: Oooooh,
I like chick-en,
I like liv-er,
Please de-liv-er…
Meow Mix!
(No longer singing.) Yes, sir, Peewee my boy, from now on, you is living the good life. No more roaming idly from town to town, or yelling at pesky human neighbors to do my chores for me! It's gonna be aces from now on! I can smell it in the wind!
(The train rolls by. For a split second, Blanca's head is shown, and a mighty shower of up-chucky rains down upon to unfortunate Peewee.)
Peewee: (Standing completely still, covered in puke. He blinks.) …Why?
(Meanwhile, back on the train.)
Blanca: . . . Now I'm hungry again. Where are them fried clams? (Is hit with a pickaxe over the head, resulting in a very bad boo-boo.) Ow! Who did that? (She gets up from her set and peers behind it, spying a very grouchy-looking mole with a construction helmet and a pickaxe.) Why you do that?
Mole: Because I don't like you.
Blanca: Okay! Hey, what's your name?
Mole: None of your beeswax.
Blanca: Hey, you're Mr. Resetti, aren't you? I've heard about you and stuff! You yell at random people and then whack them with your pickaxe!
Mole: (Sarcastically.) I'm glad I have such a shining reputation.
Blanca: Hey, do you like pie? I like pie!
Lobo: Perhaps you should leave Mr. Resetti alone. We do want to make it to Camp Crystal Lake in one piece, after all.
Mr. Resetti: You're going to Camp Crystal Lake too? Just great. Another thorn in my side.
Blanca: Yay! It will be so much fun! We shall eat and laugh and be merry and whatnot!
Mr. Resetti: (Grumbles to himself.)
(Suddenly, a raccoon pops up from behind Lobo.)
Raccoon: You're going to Camp Crystal Lake, too?
Lobo: … Yeah. So?
Raccoon: (Shouts back to the other passengers, who include a purple pelican, a walrus, a red octopus, a green elephant, and two porcupines.) Hey! Guys! These animals are going to Camp Crystal Lake too!
Other Animals: (In unison.) Yay!
Raccoon: Allow me to introduce myself. I am Tom Nook, owner of the prestigious Nookington's chain of department stores!
Pelican: I'm Petunia. And I hate everything except bad daytime television.
Walrus: I'm Wendell. I like fish. (Sings.) I am the walrus…
Octopus: I am Octavian. I can spray ink.
Elephant: I'm Opal. I like to say "snoot" a lot, because I am snooty.
First Porcupine: I'm Sable…
Second Porcupine: I'm Mable…
Sable: And we're the Able Sisters!
Blanca: Oooh, hello!
Petunia: Don't come near me, Ms. Walking Vomitorium.
Blanca: Okay!
Tom Nook: Now, now, let's not fight, as fighting is bad. Let's sing a song!
Opal: Yes! A song!
Octavian: Songs are good.
Lobo: What kind of song?
Tom Nook: This kind! One, two, three, uh!
(Suddenly all the animals are singing in unison, except Mr. Resetti. Some are playing guitars, one is playing drums, another is on a keyboard, some are waving their hands, and Tom Nook is at the microphone. They are all dressed in green.)
Animals: My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so
And this I know fo' sho'!
But does she really want to?
But can't stand to see me
Walk out the door!
Don't try and fight the feeling
'Cause the thought alone
Is killing me right now!
Thank God for Mom and Dad
For sticking two together
Because we don't know how!
Heeeey ya! Heeeey ya!
Heeeey ya! Heeeey ya!
Mr. Resetti: … This is gonna be a long trip.
(We go back to Totokeke, plucking at his guitar and whistling.)
Totokeke: (Sings.)
And so they are off,
Singin' to Outkast.
But how long will
This happiness last? (Stops singing.) Stay tuned for Part Three!
