Suffer the Little Animals

Part Three

            (We see Totokeke at the train station, doing what he does best. The monkey conductors pay him no mind.)

            Totokeke:  (Singing.)

            They've made it to camp,

            After a long, strange trip.

            Dancin' and singin'

            And swayin' their hips.

            (The animals all disembark from the train, and then walk a short distance to the entrance to Camp Crystal Lake. The entrance is adorned with a large, wooden sign that looms over the path. It reads "Camp Crystal Lake." The animals stop in front of it and look up in awe.)

            Tom Nook: Camp Crystal Lake!

            Blanca: Camp Crystal lake!

            Octavian: Camp Crystal Lake!

            Mr. Resetti: It's only a model.

            Tom Nook: (Shushes Mr. Resetti, then turns to the other animals.) Animals, I bid you welcome to your new camp. Let us ride to… CAMP CRYSTAL LAKE!

            (Music starts playing, and we see the counselor animals dancing around in the dining hall. They are singing to the tune of Monty Python's "Knights of the Round Table" song.)

            Counselors: (Dancing on tables and singing.)

            We're the Counselors at your camp!

            We hope you don't mind if it's damp!

            We make arts and crafts,

            And tasty snacks,

            And sing songs by John Mellencamp!

            We dine while at Crystal Lake,

            We eat cake and cornflakes and Shake'n'Bake!

            (The animals dance some more, doing the can-can on tables, kicking away plates of food, while random ducks and chickens run around in a panic. Truly, an awful sight.)

            Counselors: (Sing again.)

            We're the Counselors at your camp!

            We like… Tiffany… lamps!

            But many times,

            We make wind chimes

            And stick our tongues in bass amps!

            If you fall sick at Crystal Lake,

            We will treat you for your stomach aaaaaaache!

            (One counselor pulls at a tapestry, while holding out the last word, but is then crushed by a rock that falls from the ceiling.)

            (More dancing ensues. We then get a brief glimpse at a man wearing a hockey mask at the bottom of the lake, clapping along to the music. We then go back to the counselors, only to see that the table some of them were dancing on has collapsed. They start tap dancing on it anyway. We then see a dog bopping several animals on the heads as if they were drums, and then knocks a passing pig unconscious. Someone steps on a frog, and it croaks loudly.)

            Counselors: (Singing again, waving their arms around.)

            You may be a waif or tramp,

            But here you're always the champ!

            Sometimes we're high,

            And eat peach pie,

            And beat your Gram and Gramps!

            It's a busy life at Crystal Lake- (The animals stop singing abruptly.)

            (One lone rabbit steps up, standing up straight.)

            Rabbit: All of my teeth are faaaaake.

            (The animals start dancing again, plates and silverware fly around like deadly missiles, and everything is all higgledy-piggledy. The music stops, and they all strike a pose. We then go back to Blanca, Nook and company, standing in confusion at the Camps entrance.)

            Tom Nook: … On second thought, let's not go to Camp Crystal Lake. 'Tis a silly place.

            (The other animals murmur in agreement. They turn around to go back on the train, only to watch it roll down the tracks. Nook panics, and runs up to one of the monkey conductors.)

            Tom Nook: Make it come back! Make the train come back!

            Conductor: Sorry, sir, the next train doesn't come until tomorrow. You'll have to wait until then.

            Tom Nook: (Shaking his tiny paws at the Conductor with a mighty wrath.) Curse you, conductor monkey! CURSE YOOOOOUUU!

            Conductor: Lo, I am cursed.

            Tom Nook: (Sighs.) Oh, well. This story is going downhill as it is all ready.

            Blanca: Oh, happy day!

            Octavian: Well, I suppose we're going to have to make the best of this. We're going to have to stay here until tomorrow.

            Lobo: I was afraid of that. Their songs and dances are even scarier than Blanca.

            Blanca: Yay!

            Sable: Um… wait a second…

            Lobo: What is it, Sable?

            Sable: Isn't it… uh… Friday the 13th?

            Opal: Willickers! She's right! And I bet there's a bad moon out on this night. Perhaps we shouldn't stay here.

            Petunia: Bah! Bad luck! That's ridiculous! It's just a silly superstition meant to get you all scared. The only bad luck around here would be if they didn't have a TV somewhere around here. I'm missin' my soaps.

            Mable: Petunia's right. We have nothing to worry about. What's the worst that could happen?

            Sable: We could die in out sleeping bags as we are beaten to death against a tree.

            Mable: Shush! Don't say that.

            Sable: 'S true, though.

            Wendell: I am so very hungry. Must… get… food… (Waddles towards the camp, mumbling about fish and losing weight.)

            Mr. Resetti: I'm gonna go exploring around this dump. (Retreats underground to do many a mole-y thing.)

            Lobo: Hmmm… Friday the 13th…

            Octavian: What? Don't tell me you believe that superstitious mumbo-jumbo.

            Lobo: It's not that… it's just… there's disaster upon the wind… I can smell it.

            Blanca: Ooh! What's it smell like?

            Lobo: … What?

            Blanca: Does it smell like strawberries? Dirt? Glue? Pancakes? Teen Spirit?

            Lobo: You know, you have no sense of dramatic tension.

            Blanca: Buttercups? Rocks? Iguanas? Bubble gum? Donald Trump?

            Lobo: Quit while you're ahead, Blanca.

            Blanca: Wait! I have to know what disaster smells like!

            (The other animals leave Blanca, heading into the camp, while Blanca shouts out the names of more seemingly random nouns.)

            Blanca: It is old ladies? Fish? The Internet? Ping-pong balls? Waffles? Guys! I hafta know! Come back! Pleeeeeease! (Runs after the other animals, then trips over a rock. The Gary Coleman face is wiped away in the dirt. She then gets back up and continues running.)

            (We then look back at one of the poles holding up the Camp Crystal Lake sign. Totokeke is leaning against the pole, picking at the strings on his guitar idly.)

            Totokeke: (Whistles, then sings in a foreboding voice.)

            Ten little animals stuck at

            Crystal Lake on the 13th.

            One by one they will be gone

            Because of an undead fiend. (Stops playing and says in a spooky voice.) Look out for Part Four of… SUFFER THE LITTLE ANIMALS! (The sky darkens and lightening crashes dramatically.)