Suffer the Little Animals

Part Five

(We open on Totokeke playing the blues on a harmonica in front of a cabin. He is tapping his paw to the tune of the song. He puts down the harmonica.)

Totokeke: (Sings in a blues voice.)

Oh, dem animals don't know

What gonna happen tonight.

'Cause it's Jason's birthday,

And he is feelin' all right.

(We now go into the cabin, where Wendell is painting the walls. He is humming a jingle from a laundry detergent commercial as he paints the walls with giant sunflowers. Suddenly, he hears the door creak open.)

Wendell: (Turns around.) W-who's there?

(No one answers. Wendell shrugs, and then returns to his work, singing loudly.)

Wendell: (Sings.)

Momma's keeps the house

Clean like the springtime!

Momma's got the magic

With Clorox Bleach!

(Unfortunately for Wendell, his singing drowns out the loud footsteps approaching from behind him. A large, hulking figure looms over the little blue walrus, simply staring down at him.)

Wendell: (Still singing.)

Fresh goes better

With Mentos fresh

And full of liiiiiife!

Jason: (We all know who he is, so I might as well come out with it. He pokes Wendell.)

Wendell: (Turns around and looks up.) Uh... hello. Are you delivering pizza?

Jason: ...

Wendell: Cheese, maybe?

Jason: ...

Wendell: Is it government cheese?

Jason: ...

Wendell: ... I like government cheese. Do you have government fish?

Jason: (Raises his machete and rams it through Wendell's fat tummy. Wendell's eyes are as wide as golf balls as red, sticky blood oozes all over the happy sunflower picture he has painted on the walls. Jason then turns and leaves,)

* * *

(We now go back to the other animals, who are wandering around camp. Perhaps they are hiking. Perhaps they are looking for treasure. We do not know. But they are wandering around.)

Nook: Does anybody know where we are?

Blanca: ...

Petunia: Why is she so quiet?

Lobo: She's playing the quiet game, remember?

Petunia: I kinda wish she'd play that all the time. Do us all a favor.

Opal: Maybe we should split up. Then we could find camp easier.

Lobo: Oh, gee! That's a brilliant idea! Split up and get even more lost then we already are! Oh, I know! Let's all go find sticks and ram them down our own throats for fun! Whee!

Nook: Be quiet! As leader, I say we split up.

Lobo: And who exactly made you the leader?

Nook: Who owns a whole chain of department stores here, you or me, bitch?

Lobo: I hope I live long enough to regret this. And when I die, my ghost will come back to haunt you until you die, and then I'll drag your soul back down to hell with me.

Nook: Yes, yes, that's all very nice. Now, Let's split up. Petunia will come with me and go this way (Points in a random direction) Opal, you go with Octavian and go that way (Points in another random direction) Mable and Sable, you go that-a-way (Points to another direction) and Lobo, since you two are so well acquainted, you and Blanca will go that way. (Point up at a tree.)

Lobo: ...You want us to go up a tree.

Nook: Cats can climb, can't they?

Lobo: WOLVES CAN'T CLIMB TREES!

Nook: Oh, you know what they say... (Sings and twirls around.) No-thing is im-poss-i-ble, 'til you tryyy...

Lobo: Urge to chew on head... rising...

Blanca: (Thinks to self: "I am sooo winning this quiet game.")

Nook: All right, gang, let's split up!

Sable: Jinkies.

Lobo: Fine. C'mon, Blanca. (Grabs Blanca by the hand and drags her to the tree as the other animals wander off.)

Lobo: Okay, the quiet game is over. Now, help me climb this tree.

Blanca: Aaah, but how do I know you aren't just saying that so you can win the quiet game?

Lobo: ...If that was my plan, it worked, because you just lost.

Blanca: I... but... monkeys... ah, fiddlesticks!

Lobo: Now about the tree?

Blanca: (Hugs the tree.)

Lobo: What are you doing?

Blanca: I'm a tree-huggin' hippie.

Lobo: Cut that out!

Blanca: But I hug trees.

Lobo: Yeah, yeah, now help me climb the tree so we can appease the mighty yet grumpy Tom Nook. How do you climb a tree?

Blanca: Is this a pop quiz?

Lobo: No, just, how do you climb a tree?

Blanca: You're asking me?

Lobo: You don't know either?

Blanca: ... I know how to hug a tree.

Lobo: (Smacks his forehead.)

Blanca: Hee hee, do it again!

Lobo: This is just great! I'm stuck at the Camp from Hell, lost in the woods, with the stupidest cat that God had the idiocy or the malice to create!

Blanca: Boy, that must be frustrating.

Lobo: ARGH! (Bangs his head against a tree in frustration.)

Blanca: (Does the same.) Ow. This kinda hurts.

Lobo: (Slumps against the tree.) Why do you do this to me, God? Huh? Why me?

Blanca: Don't be sad, God loves you.

Lobo: Then why did he make you?

Blanca: To spread happiness to all the children of the world!

Lobo: ... Kill me...

(Totokeke is a few feet away, playing a harmonica.)

Totokeke: (Sings.)

So, they's lost in the wood

Tryin' to get home,

But little do they know-

Lobo: Hey! Who the hell are you?

Totokeke: ...Who?

Lobo: You! Who are you and why are you always following us around and singing?

Blanca: Hi, Mr. Sing-y Dog Man!

Totokeke: Yikes! I better split! (Runs away and shouts out:) Keep this site bookmarked for PART SIX! (Gets into a helicopter and flies away.)

Lobo: ... Bastard.

` Blanca: Okay, I love you, buh-bye!