Suffer the Little Animals

Part Six

            (We again see Totokeke, but he is hanging from a parachute in midair, sans guitar. A Canadian goose flies by and honks at him angrily.)

            Totokeke: Ah, we're having some technical difficulties, so I can't quite sing the introduction. Let's check on Mable and Sable, shall we? (Bats at the goose.) Go away! Shoo! Fly away home!

            (We then cut to Mable and Sable, who approach what appears to be an abandoned campsite.)

            Sable: I don't like this place. It gives me the heebie-jeebies.

            Mable: (Ignoring her.) This really steams my broccoli! This careless animal left this campfire unattended! It's a good thing we came by here; otherwise these sleeping bags may have caught on fire.

            Sable: …Sleeping bags?

            Mable: Ah, well. I think it's getting…

            (A nightfall backdrop suddenly appears over the sunny-sky background, landing with a loud thud.)

            Mable: …Dark.

            (Meanwhile, Lobo and Blanca are stuck in a tree, as it suddenly becomes night.)

            Lobo: What the hell was that?

            Blanca: It's night, you silly guy.

            Lobo: …This place is getting weirder and weirder. (Pauses.) Hey, how'd we get up in this tree, anyway?

            Blanca: Magic?

            Lobo: (Sighs.)

            (We cut back to Mable and Sable. Mable is snuggling into a sleeping bag, while Sable is standing idly against a tree.)

            Mable: What's the matter? You act like this is your last day alive.

            Sable: Yeah, well, I don't trust those sleeping bags. McAngus said I was gonna die in one of those things. I refuse to sleep in one.

            Mable: …Chicken.

            Sable: I'm not a chicken! Besides, where are the people who set up this camp anyway? They could be back any minute!

            (Unbeknownst to Sable, on the other side of the tree she's against, a crocodile, a kangaroo, and a tiger are impaled with an American flag, which it shoved into the tree.)

            Mable: Oh, they won't mind. Besides, we need sleep. Now get in your sleeping bag, you silly goose.

            Sable: But, I…

            Mable: (One of her eyes becomes three times as large as the other. It develops a cats-eye pupil, a red iris, and little pink veins start to throb on it.)

            Sable: Not the evil eye! Okay! You win!

            Mable: (Makes a happy face.) Better.

            Sable: (Crawls into her sleeping bag, shaking like a thing that shakes. As soon as she finally begins to relax, she hears heavy footsteps in the woods. She immediately begins to panic.) What was that?

            Mable: Probably just the campers coming back from… um… camping and such.

            Sable: It's doom on feet… DOOM ON FEET, I SAYS!

            Mable: Evil eye!

            Sable: (Whimpers.)

            (We then see Jason emerge from the woods. He isn't currently holding a weapon that we know of, and he is staring at the two porcupines in sleeping bags.)

            Mable: Well, howdy! Is this your campsite?

            Jason: …

            Sable: Doom on feet…

            Mable: (To Sable.) Shush! (To Jason.) You don't mind if we use these extra sleeping bags we got here, do ya?

            Jason: (Grabs Sable's sleeping bag, holding the open end of it closed, as Sable's muffled screams come from it.)

            Mable: Hey! That's not very nice! You put her back down!

            Jason: (Furiously beats Mable with the sleeping bag with Sable inside, as both of the porcupines scream in terror. Mable has stopped moving, dead as a doornail. Jason pokes the sleeping bag with Sable inside, only to make her scream and squirm again.)

            Sable: HELP ME! OH, SWEET MISERABLE JESUS, HELP ME!

            Jason: (Starts to whack the sleeping bag up against a tree, all while Sable still continues to scream. He then tries beating her against a piano. Why there is a piano in the middle of the woods and why nobody ever noticed it before, I can't rightly say. All I can say is that it makes quite a ruckus, with the screaming and the hitting of the piano keys. If you listen hard enough, it kind of sounds like the chorus to Madonna's "Like a Virgin." But the girl still ain't dead yet. So, Jason looks around feverishly for something else to beat her against. He spots Donald Trump.)

            Donald Trump: Hi, I'm Donald Trump, and-OOF! (Is whacked by the sleeping bag. This sends Donald flying into the stratosphere, where he sort of winks out, like a star. Like Team Rocket did when they were "blasting off." If you ever watched "Pokémon" you would know what I'm talking about.)

            Sable: (Gasping and crying.) Help me! Please… help… me!

            Jason: (Is about to just give up when he looks at the fire. He throws the sleeping bag onto the fire, and it bursts into flames as though it were soaked in gasoline. Sable is still screaming. Jason walks away, letting the hapless porcupine burn like a disco inferno. It just makes you want to sing.)

            (Meanwhile, Lobo can hear the screams with his super-sensitive wolf-y hearing.)

            Lobo: You hear those screams?

            Blanca: You mean these screams? (Screams at the top of her lungs.) AI YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YI-YIIIIIIIIII!

            Lobo: …Thank, you, Xena.

            Blanca: You're welcome. But my name's not Xena.

            Lobo: Forget it! There's somebody in trouble out there, and we should probably check it out. And we gotta stay together. Safety in numbers and whatnot.

            Blanca: You mean like a buddy system?

            Lobo: Exactly.

            Blanca: Last time I went in a buddy system, I made this possum my buddy, but then he tried to feed me to his magical were-wombat, and I lost my mind. I miss my mind.

            Lobo: …That explains a lot.

            Blanca: Not really. He still has my mind.

            Lobo: Riiiiight, sure. Um, how do we get down from this tree?

            Blanca: I go down like this. (Extends arms outwards and lets herself fall off the branch, plummeting down, and hitting every single branch on the way down. She finally gets stuck on a branch, where an enraged woodpecker pecks at her head.) Hey! Ow! Sheeshy-poo! You're mean, Woody!

            Lobo: …(Decides that it's best to just climbs down and try his best not to fall.)

            (We see Totokeke again, still without a guitar, and caught in a tree. His parachute appears to be tangles in the branches of the tree. Meanwhile, the same goose from before is honking at him with the rage of a thousand gooses.)

            Totokeke: Ah, shoot, it's over already? Things have gone a bit, erm, afowl here, so I don't have a song for you. Be sure to read part seven of Suffer the Little Animals! (To the goose.) Curse you, goose! Curse you!