Suffer the Little Animals
Part Eight
Author's Rant:
Apparently, one person thought the last part "sucked big, big ass," simply because I did it in Ye Olde Tongue. Well you know what? You have just proved that my evil, evil plan had worked! Ha! Insolent fool! That chapter was made to torture you! And you, being the simpleton that you are, fell for it! Bwa ha ha! I was giggling as I wrote it, dreaming of the flames that people would write, unaware that those flames would only make me laugh in malicious, spiteful glee! You didn't think I was serious when I said I did it to cause you mental discomfort, but YOU'RE WRONG! Oh, so wrong! And if you thought THAT was bad, heck, I could've written in an iambic pentameter! Now, I must expose you to more pain and suffering, until your mom has become stupid, and if she already is stupid, then you probably made her that way! Ha!
Okay, I should probably stop now.
* * *
(We see Totokeke again, this time without the fancy-pants clothes that he had in the previous chapter. I kinda liked them fancy-pants clothes. But it's not like my opinion matters. I am, after all, just the author, and nobody really loves me. No, everybody loves Blanca or Lobo or Jason. This makes me sad. I will go shoot myself now.)
Totokeke: Aw, don't shoot yourself, man. Suicide's for squares. We really do love you, Tuesday.
(*Sniff* Do you mean it?)
Totokeke: If I'm lyin', I'm dyin'.
(Don't say that, you'll jinx yourself.)
Totokeke: Man, I'm the narrator, they can't kill me!
(Jason then appears behind Totokeke, holding his machete.)
Totokeke: (Hands Jason a bag of 100 bells.) Here, man, buy yourself a soda or somethin'.
Jason: ^_^ (Walks away, all happy and whatnot. I think that's the first time I ever made a smiley in this story. Anyways, moving on.)
Totokeke: (Clears his throat and plays the guitar, singing.)
The pickings gettin' slim,
Only four animals left.
If you borrow things forever,
Then it's not really theft. (Stops singing.) Man, those last two lines weren't all that good, were they?
(Moving on, we see Tom Nook and Petunia walking through the woods. A twig snaps. They both jump in surprise.)
Petunia: What was that?
Nook: Ah, I'm sure it's just a bug.
Petunia: A bug? Must be a pretty big bug then.
Nook: No, no, no, my dear, bugs don't get big enough to step on twigs and break them. It is simply a bug eating a twig.
Petunia: …Bugs don't eat twigs.
Nook: Have you ever asked one?
Petunia: I can't say that I have.
Nook: See, there you go.
Petunia: Wait. Don't tell me you talk to bugs.
Nook: (Crosses his arms over his chest.) And what if I do?
Petunia: That's just stupid.
Nook: AAaahh, you are assuming that I talk to bugs just because I do not give you a definite answer. But you have no proof either way.
Petunia: Talking to you is proof enough.
Nook: Your witty insults are not enough to defer me. Now, let us think this out logically, shall we? Let us assume that there is only one truth to this question.
Petunia: Look, we really need to find our way to a cabin or something. . .
Nook: Please, do not interrupt. If, hypothetically, there is one truth, then it must be either "Yes, I talk to bugs," or, "No, I do not talk to bugs." Am I right?
Petunia: Oh, I don't have time for this-
Nook: Am I right?
Petunia: Yeah, sure, whatever, now let's go!
(Another twig snaps. Nook doesn't seem to notice.)
Nook: And, if the answer were "Yes, I talk to bugs," a new question would pop up, that being, "Do the said bugs talk back?"
Petunia: There is something out in the woods, you stupid- (She cuts herself off, having spotted a cabin a few yards away.) A CABIN!
Nook: Will you please stop trying to interrupt? I'm trying to make a point here.
Petunia: BUT THERE'S A CABIN OVER THERE! WE'RE SAVED! (Runs over to the cabin as quickly as she can.)
Nook: Well, that's an entirely different thing all together. Very well. (Follows Petunia to the afore-mentioned cabin.)
(The cabin that they enter appears to be the dining hall. Not a single animal is inside. Petunia and Nook waddle around, looking for signs of life.)
Petunia: It looks like we're too late for dinner.
Nook: Yes… it appears that we have the place completely to ourselves.
Petunia: …What exactly do you mean by that?
Nook: I mean, we're alone.
Petunia: You're not having certain… you know… ideas, are you?
Nook: Well, I'm still rather focused on the "talking to bugs" question.
Petunia: Just stop right there. Forget I even said anything.
Nook: (Finally gets it.) Why, you disgusting little slut!
Petunia: Me? You're the raging pervert!
Nook: No, you were the one thinking such disgusting thoughts. Besides, you are a bird and I am a mammal, and that's just wrong in every way possible.
Petunia: Well, maybe you're sick that way, Mr. Pervert-y Raccoon man! (Sticks out her tongue at him.)
Nook: I take offense to that! Now, see here-! (Is but off when an arrow, no doubt from the archery range, flies in through the window and impales Petunia through the head, pinning her against the wall on the other side of the room.) …Oh dear.
(Jason pops into view through the window, now holding a bow and arrow. We can only assume Jason has taken some classes in archery or something.)
Nook: Now, that wasn't very nice, you know. You aren't too big for a time-out!
Jason: (Tilts his head in confusion.)
Nook: Ah, the strong silent type, eh? Then I suppose you wouldn't mind listening to the rest of my speech on the truth about my talking to bugs. (Clears throat.) Now, from the point in which we ask "Do the bugs talk back?" If yes, then that proves that yes, I have the ability to communicate with insects. If no, then that just means that I am, perhaps, severely mentally ill, and I should be locked up. Am I right?
Jason. (Shrugs.)
Nook: You see, sir, you have just proved your own stupidity by saying that you do not understand reasonable logic. Now, I must talk to you of how sheep's bladders may be employed to prevent earthquakes.
Jason: (Throws the bow and arrow aside, and tries to climb in through the window after Nook. Sadly, Jason does not fit. He is stuck.)
Nook: And now you've done it again? No exactly the sharpest bulb in the crayon box, now are we?
Jason: (Even more confused than ever.)
Nook: Perhaps if you had the common sense to use the door, my good fellow, you wouldn't be stuck in this situation! Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho-ho!
Jason: (Manages to break through the window, tearing out a huge hunk of wall. He looms over Tom Nook dangerously.)
Nook: …Perhaps your sheer brute strength makes up for your lack of brains?
Jason: (Stabs Nook repeatedly with the machete, until his guts are nothing but chopped up little bits of raccoon-y meat. Mmmm, meaty!)
(We cut to Blanca and Lobo, who are walking through the woods, and have finally come across a cabin.)
Lobo: Thank God!
Blanca: No, thank Bob!
Lobo: I'm so happy, I can ignore your idiocy just this once! Let's go, Blanca!
Blanca: Aye-aye, sir!
(They run towards the cabin, struggling over logs and through underbrush, all while Blanca is singing the "Badger Badger Badger" song.)
Blanca: Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom! Mushroom! Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom! Mushroom! Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger mushroom, mushroom! Badger badger badger badger badger badger badger badger (Snake randomly slithers across the ground.) Snake! Snake! Oooh, it's a snake! It's a badger badger badger-
Lobo: (Whacks the snake with a stick, then whacks Blanca.) WILL YOU SHUT UP ALREADY?
Blanca: Ouchies. I hurt.
Snake: You and me both, sister!
Lobo: Let's just go to the cabin without any further idiocy, capisce?
Blanca: Mushroom, heh.
(Lobo and Blanca finally make it to the cabin without further incident.)
Lobo: (Busts down the door.) QUICK! YOU GOTTA HELP US-! (Stops before he finishes the sentence, his eyes growing wide in terror.) Sweet Monkey Jesus…
Blanca: (Peeks in.) Eeeeewww, icky.
(The scene that is before them is one of pure and adulterated yucky. There are meaty bits of animals strewn up everywhere: There are bunnies nailed to walls and decapitated horse heads upon beds, pigs drained of all their blood, and half-eaten doggies. Several decapitated animal heads are nailed to the wall. No one has been spared.)
Lobo: (Vomits in a corner. He is making icky vomit-y noises.)
Blanca: Hee hee, you're tossin' your cookies too!
(We then cut to Totokeke, who seems all happy despite the carnage we have just witnessed.)
Totokeke: (Belts it out.)
Blanca and Lobo
Are the last one's alive!
Which one will make it?
Which will survive? (Stops singing.) Stay tuned for… PART NINE OF SUFFER THE LITTLE ANIMALS! DUN-DUN-DUUUUNNN!
