Suffer the Little Animals

Part Nine

            (Totokeke is just outside the cabin of doom that Lobo and Blanca have just entered. He's playing his guitar happily.)

            Totokeke: (Sings.)

            There are bodies everywhere,

            It's a horrible sight,

            Run, Blanca and Lobo!

            Or you won't see sunlight!

            (Almost as if on cue, Blanca and Lobo run screaming out of the cabin. While Lobo gives off howls of pure terror, Blanca seems to be shrieking as if she were on a roller coaster. They run to another cabin, only to see a dead Wendell slumped against a wall painted with sunflowers.)

            Lobo: OH, MY GOD!

            Blanca: I am the walrus, goo-goo-pachoo!

            (They run away again, Lobo even more terrified than before. They then come across a camp site, only to find three little animals impaled against a tree, a dead porcupine, Mable, in a sleeping bag, and another porcupine, most likely Sable, on the fire, nothing but charred, skeletal remains.)

            Blanca: Well, sheeshy-poo, what happened here?

            Lobo: JUST KEEP RUNNING!

            (They are running again, and have come across a beheaded octopus, Octavian, along with a horrible mess of ink and blood.)

            Blanca: Anybody up for sushi?

            Lobo: ARGHY!

            (Again, they run. Blanca trips over a branch and her corn-face is smeared off. They come across poor Opal, who seems to have been cut in half vertically. More shrieks from Lobo, and more giggles from Blanca.)

            Lobo: (Thinks: "What in God's name has she been smoking?")

            (More running. They come across another cabin, praying to whatever God they believe in that someone is alive in there. They find Petunia the pelican impaled through the head by an arrow, and hanging from the wall, and what is left of Tom Nook, chopped up into little pieces.)

            Lobo: Who did this? Who in the name of all that is sacred and holy did this?

            Mysterious Voice: Ah, they have found us, Jason… they have found my special, special boy…

            Blanca: Who be there?

            (Jason steps out from a door, lumbering slowly towards the two terrified animals. He stops shortly in front of them. Behind him, a cartoonish underground tunnel forms, going in between his legs, and a mole in a turtleneck sweater and a bad, red wig pops up from underground.)

            Lobo: … Mr. Resetti?

            Mr. Resetti: SILENCE! I am not Mr. Resetti! I am Mrs. Voorhees! You have been bad, bad little animals, and my boy Jason shall punish you! (Waves his pickaxe threateningly at them. His wig threatens to fall off, and he adjusts it so that it fits snuggly over his miner's hat. Jason doesn't seem to notice.)

            Blanca: Are you gonna spank me? I no likey being spanked.

            Lobo: I think he intends to do something far worse than spanking.

            Mr. Resetti: You're damn straight!

            Lobo: But… why?

            Mr. Resetti: I'll tell you why! I'm sick of people constantly resetting the game! And I'm tired of constantly having to yell at them until my face turns blue, while they laugh at me and the pain I endure! THEY LAUGH AT ME! Fools! Now that I've found my boy Jason, we'll teach them never to reset the game again! EVER!

            Lobo: You're mad!

            Mr. Resetti: That's right! I AM MAD! DAMN MAD!

            Blanca: Hee hee, "damn mad" spelled backwards is "damn mad."

            Lobo: (To Blanca.) Be quiet! Bloody peasant!

            Blanca: "Bloody peasant" spelled backwards is "tnasaep ydoolb!"

            Mr. Resetti: I SAID SILENCE!

            Blanca: I sorry. (Feels her face.)  Wait a second. I think my face came off again. (Looks up at Jason.) Can you draw me a new face.

            Jason: … (Reaches into his pocket and pulls out a dull red crayon. He draws a happy face onto Blanca's face. It looks as if a retarded monkey drew it.)

            Blanca: Thank you so very much!

            Jason: (Nods.)

            Mr. Resetti: That's better, I guess. Now, where was I? Ah, yes! (Goes back to his insane voice.) But that's not all of it! No! Not by a long shot! I hate puppies and chocolate milkshakes! I hate daisies and feathery pillows! I hate piano music and Led Zeppelin! And you wanna know something else? I HATE OUTKAST!

            Blanca: (Gasps in horror.)

            Lobo: You seriously need some help, sir.

            Mr. Resetti: I don't need your help! I don't need anybody's help! Nobody's but Jason's! My boy, my boy, my special, loveable boy!

            Jason: (Beaming.)

            Lobo: Um… yeah, sure. "Loveable."

            Blanca: I always liked Michael Myers better.

            Mr. Resetti: THAT'S IT! NOW YOU DIE LIKE A LITTLE BITCH! JASON! STAB HER FOR MOMMY!

            Jason: (Takes his machete and stabs Blanca through the stomach.)

            Lobo: BLANCA! NOOOOO!

            Jason: (Removes the blade and stabs back by his "mommy.")

            Lobo: (Rushes to Blanca's side, propping up her head with his paw.) Blanca! Please! Speak to me! Don't die, you stupid cat!

            Blanca: Easy-squeezey-lemon-peezey…

            Lobo: Blanca, if you die, I'm gonna kill you! (Pauses.) Wait, that just sounded really stupid.

            Blanca: (Creepy voice.) Beware Macduff… beware the man not of a woman born… beware re-runs of the Jerry Springer show… All hail the king of late-night talk shows! Hey! You! Sea monkey! Get away from my wallet! Tell Auntie Em not to put down Ole' Yeller. Avast, ye scurvy dogs! I be the fiercest ninja of all the seven seas! Rose… bud… wise… er… (Dies.)

            Lobo: (Throws back his head and shouts in agony.) WHYYYYYYYYYYYY?

            Mr. Resetti: That only leaves one more survivor! Hee hee! Jason! Kill the wolf! KILL HIM SOME DEAD!

            Jason: (Trudges towards Lobo, who now sees Jason and runs as if his little fluffy tail is on fire. Lobo runs through the woods, putting a fair amount of space between him and the hockey-mask-wearing killer. He tries to find the entrance to the camp, but finds himself at the edge of the lake. Jason has somehow caught up to him, cornering him.)

            Mr. Resetti: (Burrows his way to wear Jason and Lobo are standing, grinning evilly.) Ha ha! You fool! You've got nowhere to run now! Now, you will die!

            (Suddenly, the film projector has broken down, and the film reel splits and tears.  It is Rover the cat we see peering over from the side in from of the screen, not Totokeke.)

            Rover: Um, due to some technical difficulties, we are unable to finish this chapter. Trust me, the ending is really good! Sorry to leave you hanging, but we'll get this fixed as soon as possible. The drunken monkeys handling the projector aughta get this fixed in no time.

            (We cut to the drunken monkeys, who are drinking whiskey and banging on the broken projector with rocks. They are making a lot of loud, shrieking monkey noises.)

            Rover: Um, yeah. I don't sing, so, uh, just look out for the tenth and final part of Suffer the Little Animals! Meow!