Suffer The Little Animals
The Tenth and Final Part
(We see Rover again; he has stepped in front of the screen. He clears his throat.)
Rover: Okay, We had some technical difficulties with the projector, but I think it's fixed now. Unfortunately, we had some problems with the first repairman…
(Flashback to the first repairman, which is a skinny black guy with funky gray hair, wielding a mallet and smashing the projector to little bits as the drunken monkeys screech in terror.)
Repairman: I AM… REPAIRMAN-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN-MAN! Hoo-wa-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! (Smashes the projector some more.)
(We go back to the present, and Rover is still in front of the screen. Duh.)
Rover: But, thanks to some scotch tape, staples, a duck, and some random man we found on the street that only speaks German, we've got it working again, at least until the story ends. ROLL FILM! (Steps out of the way, and the film starts to roll again.)
(Jason and Mr. Resetti, disguised as Jason's mommy, have Lobo cornered on the edge of the lake.)
Mr. Resetti: Ha ha! You fool! You've got nowhere to run now! Now, you will die! (Pauses.) Wait, I thought I just said that.
Lobo: Who gives a fudge? This story has been going downhill since before it was even written.
Mr. Resetti: Ah, well. (Points his pickaxe at Lobo.) Kill the wolf, Jason!
(Jason starts to come towards Lobo, his machete raised threateningly.)
Lobo: WAIT!
Jason: (Stops in his tracks, confused.)
Lobo: You can't kill me! I'm an endangered species!
Jason: (Looks back at Mr. Resetti.)
Mr. Resetti: He's just saying that to befuddle you, my boy!
Lobo: "Befuddle?"
Mr. Resetti: SHUT UP! (To Jason.) Kill him! Don't listen to him!
Lobo: (Looks around nervously as Jason slowly advances. Jason seems to be moving even slower and slower with every step he takes. A snail passes by Jason by. Lobo looks down at the ground and sees a rock by his paw. He sees his opportunity, picks up the rock, and throws it.)
Mr. Resetti: (Is hit in the head with the rock. His wig is knocked off in the process, exposing Mr. Resetti's hardhat.)
Lobo: (To Jason.) LOOK, YOU DUMB PUDDING, LOOK!
Jason: (Turns around to see Mr. Resetti sans wig. Tears well up in his eyes behind the mask.)
Mr. Resetti: …Oh, poopie.
Jason: (In his anger, he impales Mr. Resetti on his machete, lifts him up into the air, and swings the machete towards the lake, sending Mr. Resetti flying over the lake, and splashing down into it on the far side of the camp.)
Lobo: Wow.
Jason: (Thinks "Jason only want love.")
Lobo: Well, that was… memorable. I really should be going now, gotta visit my aunt… in Tibet… so, see ya! (Starts to walk off.)
Jason: (Steps in front of Lobo, obviously still a tad peeved.)
Lobo: (Silently prays to the gods for the salvation of his soul.)
Jason: (Raises his machete over his head, but a whistling noise is heard overhead, along with screaming. Suddenly, Donald Trump, who had been knocked in orbit in Part Six, has finally fallen back to earth, and knocks Jason back into the lake with the force of a thousand fat people. The splash in the lake it really big. You know, I once threw this really big rock into a lake, and it made this big splash, but this splash is, like, a bazillion time bigger than that. It's really awesome.)
Lobo: (Peers down into the lake, and sees no sign of Jason. Satisfied, he runs like a dog who runs away from things to the Camp Crystal Lake entrance, where he is greeted by a little police car.) THANK YOU, LORD!
(There are two officers standing by the car; a drowsy-looking bulldog and another dog that looks kind of like a collie that walks as if he has something riding up his butt.)
Bulldog: H-he called me his Lord, I think…
Collie: Oh, no he didn't, Booker. (To Lobo.) Hello, sir, how can we help you on this night?
Lobo: IT WAS HORRIBLE! There was this really crazy hockey goalie named Jason, and he killed everybody! I'm the only one still left alive! He impaled animals and burned animals and all sorts of bad… stuff.
Booker: That sounds bad… doesn't that sound bad, Copper?
Copper: It does indeed. So, where is this irate athlete?
Lobo: Well, Donald Trump came down from outer space and knocked him into the lake! You should have seen the splash. It was bigger than a breadbox… (Pauses.) Wow. I'm talking like Blanca.
Copper: Blanca?
Lobo: Yeah, the cat who had this face that comes off, and you always had to draw her a new one. Jason killed her.
(Copper and Booker exchange puzzled glances.)
Copper: (In an Irish accent.) An' Oi s'ppose ya saw wee lil' leprechauns runnin' aroun' an' stealin' people's underwear?
Lobo: Huh? No! I'm serious! And there was this Scottish terrier that had warned about what was going to happen before it even happened!
Booker: He's n-n-nuts.
Lobo: (Mockingly.) And you're in-in-incompetent!
Copper: Back off, mofo, or I'll beat you like your name was Rodney King!
Lobo: Are you threatening me? I'm reporting a crime!
Copper: You're a loony.
Booker: L-let's lock him up in the loony bin.
Lobo: WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I'm being serious here! Now, you two better take me to your commanding officers, or I'm gonna hafta go ninja style on your smart asses. (Strikes a ninja pose.)
Copper: (Whacks Lobo with his nightstick, and is soon joined by Booker. They punch and kick Lobo in his head and groin as the sun rises over the lake.)
(We cut to Totokeke, who is strumming his guitar. We can still hear the sounds of Lobo being beaten by the police. Totokeke doesn't really seem to care one way or another.)
Totokeke: (Sings.)
Lobo was the last to live,
And so, our story ends.
Until they make the sequel,
We say, "Goodbye!" my friends!
IN THE NEXT EPISODE…!
(Cut to Jason, rising out of Crystal Lake, looking mad.)
(Cut to Mr. Resetti, wearing a red and green striped Christmas Sweater and a fedora, his face horribly burned, but still wielding his pickaxe.)
Mr. Resetti: Welcome to Prime-Time, bitch!
(Cut to an anteater showing a dead parrot to Tom Nook.)
Anteater: This parrot is no more! It has ceased to exist!
Nook: No, it hasn't.
(Cut to Mr. T beating up a hoard of kitties.)
Mr. T: I pity da foo'!
(Cut to Donald Trump.)
Donald Trump: I'm back, mutha-fuggahs!
(Cut to a tombstone that is marked "Here Lies Blanca, R.I.P., and we see a paw shoot out from the grave.)
(Cut to a gorilla in a trench coat, walking past a bunch of bunnies that are all in black suits and wearing black sunglasses.)
Smith-Bunny: Mr. Anderson, we missed you.
Totokeke: (Voice-over.) Yessir, all of that and more, in the next episode in this series… RESETTI VS. JASON!
~Fini
