A/N: Thank you all so much for the feedback. This chapter, more than any
other, contains a good deal of text from Anna Karenina. Please don't be
scared off by the large paragraphs, but it is essential to the story. This
story has become much longer than I originally anticipated, and I hope you
enjoy the two scenes of this section.
********************
"The young Princess Kitty Shtcherbatskaya was eighteen. It was the first winter that she had been out in the world. Her success in society had been greater than that of either of her elder sisters, and greater even than her mother had anticipated. To say nothing of the young men who danced at the Moscow balls being almost all in love with Kitty, two serious suitors had already this first winter made their appearance: Levin, and immediately after his departure, Count Vronsky."
Summer listened to Mr. Feinberg eagerly. After her emotional afternoon (emotion, the voice within her sneered, is for the weak), she'd been looking forward to her visit with the older man. Granted, she'd hoped to have made more progress with Anna Karenina, but, she remembered with a grimace, her plans of reading all day had gone astray. After sobbing on the couch like the broken-hearted teenager girl she tried not to be, she'd spent hours looked through old yearbooks, photographs, cards, notes and gifts for some evidence that Seth Cohen was not worth this trouble. Unfortunately, she hadn't found a thing.
She looked back over at Mr. Feinberg, not wanting him to notice her momentary distraction. He peered at her over the top of his glasses.
"And now, my dear, we have the makings of a classic love triangle. We have Kitty, the guarded heroine; Levin, the honest romantic and Vronsky, the handsome noble." Mr. Feinberg winked at her. "But you're probably familiar with the dilemma of having two men in love with you at once."
Summer gave him a lopsided, wry smile. "I wish. I'm much better acquainted with the other type of triangle - two girls, one guy."
Mr. Feinberg gently covered her hand with his own. "Ah," he sighed, "love works in mysterious ways. As you'll see in this novel, just like in life, the formation of one triangle often begets another."
The two sat in silence for a moment until Summer laughed and nudged him. "Don't tease me!" She gave a little pout. "Keep going!"
As Mr. Feinberg began to read again, describing Kitty's parents and their ideas about her suitors, Summer's mind returned to what the older man had said. 'The formation of one triangle often begets another,' the little voice within her head reminded her. And with an almost electrical moment, Summer realized the truth of this statement. She'd been so focused on Seth and Anna that she'd missed the signals that other boys had sent her. Tom Seekin, she remembered, had invited her personally to his party tonight. She usually heard about these things from Holly, back when they were friends. He'd gone out of his way to make sure she was there, she realized, because he wanted her to be there.
She smiled to herself. Hopefully Tom Seekin hadn't invited another girl, planning to keep Summer in a pool house and the other girl in a bedroom. Once was more than enough for that particular scenario.
"Levin's appearance at the beginning of the winter, his frequent visits, and evident love for Kitty, had led to the first serious conversations between Kitty's parents as to her future, and to disputes between them. The prince was on Levin's side; he said he wished for nothing better for Kitty. The princess for her part, going round the question in the manner peculiar to women, maintained that Kitty was too young, that Levin had done nothing to prove that he had serious intentions, that Kitty felt no great attraction to him, and other side issues; but she did not state the principal point, which was that she looked for a better match for her daughter, and that Levin was not to her liking, and she did not understand him. When Levin had abruptly departed, the princess was delighted, and said to her husband triumphantly: "You see I was right." When Vronsky appeared on the scene, she was still more delighted, confirmed in her opinion that Kitty was to make not simply a good, but a brilliant match. In the mother's eyes there could be no comparison between Vronsky and Levin. She disliked in Levin his strange and uncompromising opinions and his shyness in society."
Summer gave an unladylike snort. Mr. Feinberg looked up at her, startled.
"I'm sorry, it's just-" Summer gestured wildly. "The whole thing is ridiculous! I mean, it seems totally obvious that Levin is a good guy. Why isn't he the catch of society?"
Mr. Feinberg considered the question. "I think that as open as Levin is, he's a very private person about his emotions - the same way that Kitty is. Levin is funny, and it seems obvious that he's in love with Kitty. But he's also extraordinarily shy beneath his veneer of humor." He turned back to the text.
"Vronsky satisfied all the mother's desires. Very wealthy, clever, of aristocratic family, on the highroad to a brilliant career in the army and at court, and a fascinating man. Nothing better could be wished for. Vronsky openly flirted with Kitty at balls, danced with her, and came continually to the house, consequently there could be no doubt of the seriousness of his intentions."
"So that's why." Summer spoke aloud as though she was talking to Mr. Feinberg, but the way she rounded out the words slowly made it obvious that she was talking to herself. "Even though she loves Levin, Kitty knows what to expect with Vronsky - he follows the protocol of society. He's the safe choice."
Like Tom Seekin, the little voice within her head told her.
Mr. Feinberg returned to the book and Summer felt herself getting dizzy. She could have written this section of the book. As the words unfolded, she felt them like pinpricks, a needling reminder of her own fears.
"After dinner, and till the beginning of the evening, Kitty was feeling a sensation akin to the sensation of a young man before a battle. Her heat throbbed violently, and her thoughts would not rest on anything. She felt that this evening, when they would both meet for the first time, would be a turning point in her life. And she was continually picturing them to herself, at one moment each separately, and then both together. When she mused on the past, she dwelt with pleasure, with tenderness, on the memories of her relations with Levin. The memories of childhood and of Levin's friendship with her dead brother gave a special poetic charm to her relations with him. His love for her, of which she felt certain, was flattering and delightful to her; and it was pleasant for her to think of Levin. In her memories of Vronsky there always entered a certain element of awkwardness, though he was in the highest degree well-bred and at ease, as though there were some false note-not in Vronsky, he was very simple and nice, but in herself, while with Levin she felt perfectly simple and clear. But, on the other hand, directly she thought of the future with Vronsky, there arose before her a perspective of brilliant happiness; with Levin the future seemed misty. When she went upstairs to dress, and looked into the looking-glass, she noticed with joy that it was one of her good days, and that she was in complete possession of all her forces,-she needed this so for what lay before her: she was conscious of external composure and free grace in her movements. At half-past seven she had only just gone down into the drawing room, when the footman announced, 'Konstantin Dmitrievitch Levin.'"
Summer was barely breathing, she was leaning forward to Mr. Feinberg as she urged him forward, faster, desperate for the words of what was to come. He silently handed the book to her, noting her eagerness, and she began to read to him, her voice breathless and choked with tears.
"'So it is to be,' thought Kitty, and all the blood seemed to rush to her heart. She was horrified at her paleness, as she glanced into the looking- glass. At that moment she knew beyond doubt that he had come early on purpose to find her alone and to make her an offer. And only then for the first time the whole thing presented itself in a new, different aspect; only then she realized that the question did not affect her only- with whom she would be happy, and whom she loved-but that she would have that moment to wound a man whom she liked. And to wound him cruelly. What for? Because he, dear fellow, loved her, was in love with her."
The words repeated themselves to her and she knew them to be true. Her hands shook. She felt as though she was reading a diary written by herself and Seth Cohen, a confessional that burned with truth. It shed a light on its surroundings, but it also threatened to consume those surroundings by destroying them with its wonderfully terrible heat.
"But there was no help for it, so it must be, so it would have to be. "My God! shall I myself really have to say it to him?" she thought. "Can I tell him I don't love him? That will be a lie. What am I to say to him? That I love someone else? No, that's impossible. I'm going away, I'm going away." She had reached the door, when she heard his step. "No! it's not honest. What have I to be afraid of? I have done nothing wrong. What is to be, will be! I'll tell the truth. And with him one can't be ill at ease. Here he is," she said to herself, seeing his powerful, shy figure, with his shining eyes fixed on her. She looked straight into his face, as thought imploring him to spare her, and gave her hand. "It's not time yet; I think I'm too early," he said glancing round the empty drawing room. When he saw that his expectations were realized, that there was nothing to prevent him from speaking, his face became gloomy. "Oh, no," said Kitty, and sat down at the table. "But this was just what I wanted, to find you alone," be began, not sitting down, and not looking at her, so as not to lose courage. "Mamma will be down directly. She was very much tired.... Yesterday..." She talked on, not knowing what her lips were uttering, and not taking her supplicating and caressing eyes off him. He glanced at her; she blushed, and ceased speaking."
Summer swallowed hard and licked her lips. Her whole body was covered in goosebumps. She wanted Kitty to be brave. She wanted to be brave herself.
"'I told you I did not know whether I should be here long...that it depended on you..." She dropped her head lower and lower, not knowing herself what answer she should make to what was coming. "That it depended on you," he repeated. "I meant to say...I meant to say...I came for this...to be my wife!" he brought out, not knowing what he was saying; but feeling that the most terrible thing was said, he stopped short and looked at her... She was breathing heavily, not looking at him. She was feeling ecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had never anticipated that the utterance of love would produce such a powerful effect on her. But it lasted only an instant."
They were kissing by the pool. They were sleeping next to each other in Tijuana. They were having breakfast together. He held her in an alley as Ryan carried Marissa. They were sitting at a table outside the Harbor school as he asked her to the movies before the cheerleaders walked by and his face had dropped. She was kissing him on the yacht, telling him that she liked him while praying he wouldn't hear. She was at his house on Thanksgiving as he smiled down at her, telling her that it was finally happening. She saw Anna in the kitchen, her broken face mirroring her own. She heard Seth apologize to her, knowing that his words were true. She saw herself at the holiday party, looking down at Anna's comic book and wishing that she'd had the courage to offer something as personal. She saw herself kissing another boy on New Year's Eve, pretending without success that he was Seth Cohen. She saw Anna and Seth holding hands at the Rooney concert, realizing that they had spent the New Year together. She felt her heart break in the garden, she saw her tears, she saw all the weaknesses in herself pouring out, wanting him so desperately.
She kept reading.
"She remembered Vronsky. She lifted her clear, truthful eyes, and seeing his desperate face, she answered hastily: "That cannot be...forgive me." A moment ago, and how close she had been to him, of what importance in his life! And how aloof and remote from him she had become now! "It was bound to be so," he said, not looking at her. He bowed, and was meaning to retreat."
She closed the book. Mr. Feinberg nodded at her, as though releasing her, and she made it to the bathroom before the tears began to flow as she was sick with the understanding of what must be done.
********************
I shouldn't have come alone, Summer chastised herself. She stood awkwardly in the doorframe of Tom Seekin's enviable mansion as she scanned the party for a familiar face.
"Summer, hey." Tom Seekin loped an arm around her in an easy hug. He stepped back to admire her. "You look incredible."
She smiled satisfactorily, feeling her confidence rise. She had outdone herself for the party. Ever since New Year's, she'd been dressing in plain, simple clothes, so she'd used the party tonight as an excuse to go all out. The classic style she'd adopted in the last few weeks had grown on her, and blended well with the remains of her daring fashion instincts. Tonight, Summer wore a poppy red cashmere tank top with a full chiffon skirt. Thank you, Prada, she thought as she saw Tom's approving glance. The outfit was conservative, but clung to her every curve, the wide scooped neck of the tank hinting at her enviable assets. Her hair hung down her back in loose, careless waves and she'd gone easy on the makeup, making her natural beauty all the more evident.
"Would you like something to drink?" Tom offered his arm and she took it gracefully as he led her through the party. As he poured her a cranberry and seltzer, she felt the eyes of the Harbor gossip crowd watching them closely. As she smiled up at him, Summer felt confident for the first time in weeks. She knew how to act with a boy like Tom. "Hey, I saw you at the hospital the other day." Tom spoke suddenly. Summer looked up at him, surprised.
"Really?" She tilted her head. "I didn't know that you volunteered there."
"I don't."
"Oh." Summer wasn't sure what had happened. "So, how's the football-"
"It's my grandpa." Tom spoke quickly again. "He's there in long-term care, so I try to visit him once a week. I really should go more, it's just that I hate being in the hospital."
"I love it." Summer licked her lips and took a sip of her drink. "I'm a candy-striper, officially, but I usually just end up reading with the patients. There's this one guy, I'm reading Anna Karenina with him and-"
She saw Tom's eyes glazing over. He was a nice guy, but he possessed the typical teenage boy attention span. She shifted roles.
"Anyway, it's cool." She smiled brightly, and spoke flirtatiously. "I just love the little uniform. There's something about the little nurse dress." She let her voice trail off. Tom's mouth was hanging open a bit. A little further, the voice within her told her, and you'll have him - you can go back to your old, comfortable life. "It's probably that short little skirt." She teased him casually. She'd had enough practice over the years. "I'll be right back."
"Can't wait." Tom's eyes traveled over her again before she walked away slowly, knowing that he and everyone else at the party was watching her.
There was no one else outside. The pool was still, lit from within by carefully placed lamps built into the pool walls. Summer walked slowly towards the edge of the gardens, breathing in the scent of gardenias.
Before he said her name, she felt him standing beside her.
She knew that Seth was there for one reason, to see her, to ask her about what had happened in another garden only hours before. There was talking to be done, there was much to be done.
But at that moment they were quiet.
He moved toward her and slipped an arm around her waist as he drew her towards her, his hands vibrating nervously. They were still for a moment as she looked up at his face and saw his determination. Their thoughts were identical.
They moved towards each other with equal precision, their faces drawing closer. Their kisses before had been anxious and impulsive. This was slow and tremulous.
Summer closed her eyes as Seth kissed her. He held her waist with one hand while he traced her cheek with his other palm. Her hand met behind his neck, tangling in his dark hair, drawing him closer. His lips were soft, yet firm enough to convey his newfound confidence. She felt him touch her reverently as he smiled through the kiss as though in disbelief.
Their mouths parted for a moment and then met again. She moaned against him as his tongue traced her lips, then met her own as they curled together. Stop, the little voice inside her said, you have to stop this.
She ignored it. They kissed again, his hand sliding to palm her bare upper back as her hands traveled under his blue oxford shirt. They traced circles on each others bare skin as his fingers seemed to burn marks into her skin. She almost wished he would leave a tiny scar on her, a reminder of the moment. She laid her hands on his chest and broke their kiss as she pushed him away gently.
Seth reached for her again. She let him. He kissed her again, a long, slow, deep kiss that set her heart racing. Her hands were still on his chest and she felt his own heart beneath his thin shirt, it's allegro rhythm matching her own.
He leaned his forehead on hers and met her eyes. "Summer, I-"
"Don't say it." She took a few steps back, her hands up in a defensive block. If he didn't say it, she wouldn't have to lie.
"Summer." His eyes were glossy as he took a step toward her, only to see her take another step back. "Please."
Her jaw was fixed and she raised her head up to meet his gaze. Her hands were shaking as she struggled to regain her control.
His shining eyes were fixed on her and she implored him to spare her. "Please, just go inside, leave me alone."
"No." The forcefulness of his tone surprised both of them. She saw him swallow and he took three steps towards her. She stood still, frozen to the stop. Summer knew what was going to happen, she could feel the words hanging in the air, just waiting to be transformed into speech. And although she knew that these words would break her heart, she was fervently waiting to hear them spoken.
His face was inches from hers as he whispered to her.
"I told you that Anna and I aren't together. And I wouldn't be here at all, but I must tell you what I'm sure you know." He cupped her face in his hands and their eyes met. She was on the verge of crying, the victim of the sweetest torture in the world.
"It depends on you." He echoed the sentiments of the book they each were reading. "I mean, I want to say, earlier, I meant to say." He paused, and breathed in. "I love you."
Summer was breathing deeply, trying to focus on the world around them. The pool and the garden seemed to have disappeared and she could only feel Seth's hands on her face, his anxious eyes watching her reaction.
She was breathing heavily, not looking at him. She was feeling ecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had never anticipated that the utterance of love would produce such a powerful effect on her. But it lasted only an instant.
Summer remembered all the tears she had cried, she recalled the heartbreak, she summoned up every negative memory as ammunition for her defenses.
"This can't happen." She gasped as she looked at the grass. "I'm sorry."
His hands dropped from her face and she felt him watching her for a moment. She kept her head down, refusing to look at him, knowing that if she did she'd never recover.
"I should have known." His voice cracked and he retreated.
She stood there for a few moments, waiting until he was gone. She knew he would leave the party. She breathed in the night air. It suddenly seemed colder outside, and she shivered.
She looked up at the night sky and blinked quickly.
She was alone again.
********************
"The young Princess Kitty Shtcherbatskaya was eighteen. It was the first winter that she had been out in the world. Her success in society had been greater than that of either of her elder sisters, and greater even than her mother had anticipated. To say nothing of the young men who danced at the Moscow balls being almost all in love with Kitty, two serious suitors had already this first winter made their appearance: Levin, and immediately after his departure, Count Vronsky."
Summer listened to Mr. Feinberg eagerly. After her emotional afternoon (emotion, the voice within her sneered, is for the weak), she'd been looking forward to her visit with the older man. Granted, she'd hoped to have made more progress with Anna Karenina, but, she remembered with a grimace, her plans of reading all day had gone astray. After sobbing on the couch like the broken-hearted teenager girl she tried not to be, she'd spent hours looked through old yearbooks, photographs, cards, notes and gifts for some evidence that Seth Cohen was not worth this trouble. Unfortunately, she hadn't found a thing.
She looked back over at Mr. Feinberg, not wanting him to notice her momentary distraction. He peered at her over the top of his glasses.
"And now, my dear, we have the makings of a classic love triangle. We have Kitty, the guarded heroine; Levin, the honest romantic and Vronsky, the handsome noble." Mr. Feinberg winked at her. "But you're probably familiar with the dilemma of having two men in love with you at once."
Summer gave him a lopsided, wry smile. "I wish. I'm much better acquainted with the other type of triangle - two girls, one guy."
Mr. Feinberg gently covered her hand with his own. "Ah," he sighed, "love works in mysterious ways. As you'll see in this novel, just like in life, the formation of one triangle often begets another."
The two sat in silence for a moment until Summer laughed and nudged him. "Don't tease me!" She gave a little pout. "Keep going!"
As Mr. Feinberg began to read again, describing Kitty's parents and their ideas about her suitors, Summer's mind returned to what the older man had said. 'The formation of one triangle often begets another,' the little voice within her head reminded her. And with an almost electrical moment, Summer realized the truth of this statement. She'd been so focused on Seth and Anna that she'd missed the signals that other boys had sent her. Tom Seekin, she remembered, had invited her personally to his party tonight. She usually heard about these things from Holly, back when they were friends. He'd gone out of his way to make sure she was there, she realized, because he wanted her to be there.
She smiled to herself. Hopefully Tom Seekin hadn't invited another girl, planning to keep Summer in a pool house and the other girl in a bedroom. Once was more than enough for that particular scenario.
"Levin's appearance at the beginning of the winter, his frequent visits, and evident love for Kitty, had led to the first serious conversations between Kitty's parents as to her future, and to disputes between them. The prince was on Levin's side; he said he wished for nothing better for Kitty. The princess for her part, going round the question in the manner peculiar to women, maintained that Kitty was too young, that Levin had done nothing to prove that he had serious intentions, that Kitty felt no great attraction to him, and other side issues; but she did not state the principal point, which was that she looked for a better match for her daughter, and that Levin was not to her liking, and she did not understand him. When Levin had abruptly departed, the princess was delighted, and said to her husband triumphantly: "You see I was right." When Vronsky appeared on the scene, she was still more delighted, confirmed in her opinion that Kitty was to make not simply a good, but a brilliant match. In the mother's eyes there could be no comparison between Vronsky and Levin. She disliked in Levin his strange and uncompromising opinions and his shyness in society."
Summer gave an unladylike snort. Mr. Feinberg looked up at her, startled.
"I'm sorry, it's just-" Summer gestured wildly. "The whole thing is ridiculous! I mean, it seems totally obvious that Levin is a good guy. Why isn't he the catch of society?"
Mr. Feinberg considered the question. "I think that as open as Levin is, he's a very private person about his emotions - the same way that Kitty is. Levin is funny, and it seems obvious that he's in love with Kitty. But he's also extraordinarily shy beneath his veneer of humor." He turned back to the text.
"Vronsky satisfied all the mother's desires. Very wealthy, clever, of aristocratic family, on the highroad to a brilliant career in the army and at court, and a fascinating man. Nothing better could be wished for. Vronsky openly flirted with Kitty at balls, danced with her, and came continually to the house, consequently there could be no doubt of the seriousness of his intentions."
"So that's why." Summer spoke aloud as though she was talking to Mr. Feinberg, but the way she rounded out the words slowly made it obvious that she was talking to herself. "Even though she loves Levin, Kitty knows what to expect with Vronsky - he follows the protocol of society. He's the safe choice."
Like Tom Seekin, the little voice within her head told her.
Mr. Feinberg returned to the book and Summer felt herself getting dizzy. She could have written this section of the book. As the words unfolded, she felt them like pinpricks, a needling reminder of her own fears.
"After dinner, and till the beginning of the evening, Kitty was feeling a sensation akin to the sensation of a young man before a battle. Her heat throbbed violently, and her thoughts would not rest on anything. She felt that this evening, when they would both meet for the first time, would be a turning point in her life. And she was continually picturing them to herself, at one moment each separately, and then both together. When she mused on the past, she dwelt with pleasure, with tenderness, on the memories of her relations with Levin. The memories of childhood and of Levin's friendship with her dead brother gave a special poetic charm to her relations with him. His love for her, of which she felt certain, was flattering and delightful to her; and it was pleasant for her to think of Levin. In her memories of Vronsky there always entered a certain element of awkwardness, though he was in the highest degree well-bred and at ease, as though there were some false note-not in Vronsky, he was very simple and nice, but in herself, while with Levin she felt perfectly simple and clear. But, on the other hand, directly she thought of the future with Vronsky, there arose before her a perspective of brilliant happiness; with Levin the future seemed misty. When she went upstairs to dress, and looked into the looking-glass, she noticed with joy that it was one of her good days, and that she was in complete possession of all her forces,-she needed this so for what lay before her: she was conscious of external composure and free grace in her movements. At half-past seven she had only just gone down into the drawing room, when the footman announced, 'Konstantin Dmitrievitch Levin.'"
Summer was barely breathing, she was leaning forward to Mr. Feinberg as she urged him forward, faster, desperate for the words of what was to come. He silently handed the book to her, noting her eagerness, and she began to read to him, her voice breathless and choked with tears.
"'So it is to be,' thought Kitty, and all the blood seemed to rush to her heart. She was horrified at her paleness, as she glanced into the looking- glass. At that moment she knew beyond doubt that he had come early on purpose to find her alone and to make her an offer. And only then for the first time the whole thing presented itself in a new, different aspect; only then she realized that the question did not affect her only- with whom she would be happy, and whom she loved-but that she would have that moment to wound a man whom she liked. And to wound him cruelly. What for? Because he, dear fellow, loved her, was in love with her."
The words repeated themselves to her and she knew them to be true. Her hands shook. She felt as though she was reading a diary written by herself and Seth Cohen, a confessional that burned with truth. It shed a light on its surroundings, but it also threatened to consume those surroundings by destroying them with its wonderfully terrible heat.
"But there was no help for it, so it must be, so it would have to be. "My God! shall I myself really have to say it to him?" she thought. "Can I tell him I don't love him? That will be a lie. What am I to say to him? That I love someone else? No, that's impossible. I'm going away, I'm going away." She had reached the door, when she heard his step. "No! it's not honest. What have I to be afraid of? I have done nothing wrong. What is to be, will be! I'll tell the truth. And with him one can't be ill at ease. Here he is," she said to herself, seeing his powerful, shy figure, with his shining eyes fixed on her. She looked straight into his face, as thought imploring him to spare her, and gave her hand. "It's not time yet; I think I'm too early," he said glancing round the empty drawing room. When he saw that his expectations were realized, that there was nothing to prevent him from speaking, his face became gloomy. "Oh, no," said Kitty, and sat down at the table. "But this was just what I wanted, to find you alone," be began, not sitting down, and not looking at her, so as not to lose courage. "Mamma will be down directly. She was very much tired.... Yesterday..." She talked on, not knowing what her lips were uttering, and not taking her supplicating and caressing eyes off him. He glanced at her; she blushed, and ceased speaking."
Summer swallowed hard and licked her lips. Her whole body was covered in goosebumps. She wanted Kitty to be brave. She wanted to be brave herself.
"'I told you I did not know whether I should be here long...that it depended on you..." She dropped her head lower and lower, not knowing herself what answer she should make to what was coming. "That it depended on you," he repeated. "I meant to say...I meant to say...I came for this...to be my wife!" he brought out, not knowing what he was saying; but feeling that the most terrible thing was said, he stopped short and looked at her... She was breathing heavily, not looking at him. She was feeling ecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had never anticipated that the utterance of love would produce such a powerful effect on her. But it lasted only an instant."
They were kissing by the pool. They were sleeping next to each other in Tijuana. They were having breakfast together. He held her in an alley as Ryan carried Marissa. They were sitting at a table outside the Harbor school as he asked her to the movies before the cheerleaders walked by and his face had dropped. She was kissing him on the yacht, telling him that she liked him while praying he wouldn't hear. She was at his house on Thanksgiving as he smiled down at her, telling her that it was finally happening. She saw Anna in the kitchen, her broken face mirroring her own. She heard Seth apologize to her, knowing that his words were true. She saw herself at the holiday party, looking down at Anna's comic book and wishing that she'd had the courage to offer something as personal. She saw herself kissing another boy on New Year's Eve, pretending without success that he was Seth Cohen. She saw Anna and Seth holding hands at the Rooney concert, realizing that they had spent the New Year together. She felt her heart break in the garden, she saw her tears, she saw all the weaknesses in herself pouring out, wanting him so desperately.
She kept reading.
"She remembered Vronsky. She lifted her clear, truthful eyes, and seeing his desperate face, she answered hastily: "That cannot be...forgive me." A moment ago, and how close she had been to him, of what importance in his life! And how aloof and remote from him she had become now! "It was bound to be so," he said, not looking at her. He bowed, and was meaning to retreat."
She closed the book. Mr. Feinberg nodded at her, as though releasing her, and she made it to the bathroom before the tears began to flow as she was sick with the understanding of what must be done.
********************
I shouldn't have come alone, Summer chastised herself. She stood awkwardly in the doorframe of Tom Seekin's enviable mansion as she scanned the party for a familiar face.
"Summer, hey." Tom Seekin loped an arm around her in an easy hug. He stepped back to admire her. "You look incredible."
She smiled satisfactorily, feeling her confidence rise. She had outdone herself for the party. Ever since New Year's, she'd been dressing in plain, simple clothes, so she'd used the party tonight as an excuse to go all out. The classic style she'd adopted in the last few weeks had grown on her, and blended well with the remains of her daring fashion instincts. Tonight, Summer wore a poppy red cashmere tank top with a full chiffon skirt. Thank you, Prada, she thought as she saw Tom's approving glance. The outfit was conservative, but clung to her every curve, the wide scooped neck of the tank hinting at her enviable assets. Her hair hung down her back in loose, careless waves and she'd gone easy on the makeup, making her natural beauty all the more evident.
"Would you like something to drink?" Tom offered his arm and she took it gracefully as he led her through the party. As he poured her a cranberry and seltzer, she felt the eyes of the Harbor gossip crowd watching them closely. As she smiled up at him, Summer felt confident for the first time in weeks. She knew how to act with a boy like Tom. "Hey, I saw you at the hospital the other day." Tom spoke suddenly. Summer looked up at him, surprised.
"Really?" She tilted her head. "I didn't know that you volunteered there."
"I don't."
"Oh." Summer wasn't sure what had happened. "So, how's the football-"
"It's my grandpa." Tom spoke quickly again. "He's there in long-term care, so I try to visit him once a week. I really should go more, it's just that I hate being in the hospital."
"I love it." Summer licked her lips and took a sip of her drink. "I'm a candy-striper, officially, but I usually just end up reading with the patients. There's this one guy, I'm reading Anna Karenina with him and-"
She saw Tom's eyes glazing over. He was a nice guy, but he possessed the typical teenage boy attention span. She shifted roles.
"Anyway, it's cool." She smiled brightly, and spoke flirtatiously. "I just love the little uniform. There's something about the little nurse dress." She let her voice trail off. Tom's mouth was hanging open a bit. A little further, the voice within her told her, and you'll have him - you can go back to your old, comfortable life. "It's probably that short little skirt." She teased him casually. She'd had enough practice over the years. "I'll be right back."
"Can't wait." Tom's eyes traveled over her again before she walked away slowly, knowing that he and everyone else at the party was watching her.
There was no one else outside. The pool was still, lit from within by carefully placed lamps built into the pool walls. Summer walked slowly towards the edge of the gardens, breathing in the scent of gardenias.
Before he said her name, she felt him standing beside her.
She knew that Seth was there for one reason, to see her, to ask her about what had happened in another garden only hours before. There was talking to be done, there was much to be done.
But at that moment they were quiet.
He moved toward her and slipped an arm around her waist as he drew her towards her, his hands vibrating nervously. They were still for a moment as she looked up at his face and saw his determination. Their thoughts were identical.
They moved towards each other with equal precision, their faces drawing closer. Their kisses before had been anxious and impulsive. This was slow and tremulous.
Summer closed her eyes as Seth kissed her. He held her waist with one hand while he traced her cheek with his other palm. Her hand met behind his neck, tangling in his dark hair, drawing him closer. His lips were soft, yet firm enough to convey his newfound confidence. She felt him touch her reverently as he smiled through the kiss as though in disbelief.
Their mouths parted for a moment and then met again. She moaned against him as his tongue traced her lips, then met her own as they curled together. Stop, the little voice inside her said, you have to stop this.
She ignored it. They kissed again, his hand sliding to palm her bare upper back as her hands traveled under his blue oxford shirt. They traced circles on each others bare skin as his fingers seemed to burn marks into her skin. She almost wished he would leave a tiny scar on her, a reminder of the moment. She laid her hands on his chest and broke their kiss as she pushed him away gently.
Seth reached for her again. She let him. He kissed her again, a long, slow, deep kiss that set her heart racing. Her hands were still on his chest and she felt his own heart beneath his thin shirt, it's allegro rhythm matching her own.
He leaned his forehead on hers and met her eyes. "Summer, I-"
"Don't say it." She took a few steps back, her hands up in a defensive block. If he didn't say it, she wouldn't have to lie.
"Summer." His eyes were glossy as he took a step toward her, only to see her take another step back. "Please."
Her jaw was fixed and she raised her head up to meet his gaze. Her hands were shaking as she struggled to regain her control.
His shining eyes were fixed on her and she implored him to spare her. "Please, just go inside, leave me alone."
"No." The forcefulness of his tone surprised both of them. She saw him swallow and he took three steps towards her. She stood still, frozen to the stop. Summer knew what was going to happen, she could feel the words hanging in the air, just waiting to be transformed into speech. And although she knew that these words would break her heart, she was fervently waiting to hear them spoken.
His face was inches from hers as he whispered to her.
"I told you that Anna and I aren't together. And I wouldn't be here at all, but I must tell you what I'm sure you know." He cupped her face in his hands and their eyes met. She was on the verge of crying, the victim of the sweetest torture in the world.
"It depends on you." He echoed the sentiments of the book they each were reading. "I mean, I want to say, earlier, I meant to say." He paused, and breathed in. "I love you."
Summer was breathing deeply, trying to focus on the world around them. The pool and the garden seemed to have disappeared and she could only feel Seth's hands on her face, his anxious eyes watching her reaction.
She was breathing heavily, not looking at him. She was feeling ecstasy. Her soul was flooded with happiness. She had never anticipated that the utterance of love would produce such a powerful effect on her. But it lasted only an instant.
Summer remembered all the tears she had cried, she recalled the heartbreak, she summoned up every negative memory as ammunition for her defenses.
"This can't happen." She gasped as she looked at the grass. "I'm sorry."
His hands dropped from her face and she felt him watching her for a moment. She kept her head down, refusing to look at him, knowing that if she did she'd never recover.
"I should have known." His voice cracked and he retreated.
She stood there for a few moments, waiting until he was gone. She knew he would leave the party. She breathed in the night air. It suddenly seemed colder outside, and she shivered.
She looked up at the night sky and blinked quickly.
She was alone again.
