7 Colors of Love: Orange
"Kenshin, look at this! Isn't it pretty?"
Kaoru-dono shoves the silk ribbon under my gaze and only one word ran through my mind at the sight… 'Tomoe…'
It's kind of funny the way the mind works. How it can connect one thing to another even though there is little in common between the two. In reality there is a connection between the two ideas yet the mind works so fast, processing the information so quickly that what we see in the end is the product of all its computations. Take for instance how this orange ribbon Kaoru-dono held out to me and my initial thought of my late wife Tomoe connected together. Now there really is little association between the two and it wasn't until I slowed my thoughts down that I saw how I could even consider connecting the two strands of consciousness.
There are so many places to begin really and the hidden prompts and clues that our minds give us are interwoven within many strands of thoughts and ideas. I could begin with how Tomoe used a ribbon in her hair as well but what really started the connection was the color of the silken cloth.
Orange . Enishi wore orange. Enishi was Tomoe's little brother. Enishi was gone, disappeared from the ship that was to take him back home to Shanghai . No one, not even Saitou, quite knew were he went. After my battle with him on his island I was offered to go search for him but I declined such a thing. If the government really wanted him they could find him on their own. I was not going to help them with this. Enishi no longer possessed a threat either to Japan or to anyone here at the dojo. If he were gone for a few weeks, months, years I still would not look for him. He had just been given the greatest shock in his life… everything he had come to believe was a lie created to fuel his anger. Enishi just needs time to sort through it all and accept it.
I think it's better this way really. If I did search for him who knows how long I'd be gone? What if another from my past comes to my home and actually succeeds in killing those whom I hold dear? It's a fear that constantly scraps at the back of my mind. I can never really enjoy a moment with out thinking that any moment someone will jump out, waving around their sword screaming for revenge.
Revenge… I almost gave it to Enishi. Almost let him have what he wanted the most. But I couldn't, Tomoe just wouldn't let me. She wouldn't let me wither away and die in Rakuninmura, even though I thought that my world, my everything had been taken from me. My Kaoru.
Mine. I don't know if Kaoru would ever really like it, but she was mine. Was mine since the moment she attacked me. That was rather differentreally. I was used to being attacked by strangers while traveling. It was a common occurrence. Most people would judge by what they've heard, red hair, cross-shaped scar, and attack me. Well… kind of… they'd stand there for a moment insulting me before they attacked carelessly. Sometimes my height gave me a far greater advantage then most people thought. I mean how could the famous Hitokiri Battousai measure 5 feet? Sometimes I curse the inability to stare down rather than up to an opponent yet it does give me the advantage of surprise in a duel.
In any case, I remember her following for sometime before she actually attacked. This didn't surprise me, Kaoru-dono was smart enough to realize not to charge into a situation without thoroughly thinking it through. Of course that was then and I don't think it's ever occurred to her to continue to do this, or rather she's never felt a need to. She knows I'll protect her, which is a hindrance to her and to me. Yet she waited and followed me around for a couple of blocks that muggy night. What surprised me was that I didn't feel any threat in her; instead there was curiousness about her. I guess I had surprised her too.
Tomoe wasn't easily surprised or rather she never showed it if she was. She was always calm, demur. Not like Kaoru-dono who would rather let someone know exactly how she felt than leave them guessing at her intentions. She lacks the mystery that shrouded Tomoe like a thick coat. Yet, that was what I love about her. I have lived so long in mysteries, shady intentions, untold truths that Kaoru-dono's honesty is just refreshing. There are no hidden agendas in what she does, no fabricated lies to connive and control; just truth and a naiveté that has me in a constant mother hen fashion. It was what made me choose her over Megumi-dono… not that I would have ever tried to really… Sano would have hounded my hide for decades.
I miss Sano… he's already been gone for two weeks and I have yet to hear word on his whereabouts. I'm a little hurt as well. I could have helped him but I would have to go against everything he hated about the Meiji government. No, I couldn't help him to stay in Japan , but I wish there was something I could do. He is my best friend and the love I have for him could never be explained in its fullness. Just like my love for Kaoru-dono could never be contained in such a small box of frivolous words and actions.
Tomoe never like the frivolous either. As much as she was secretive, Tomoe was direct and nonplused about the way she said and did things. There was little to no question about her intentions, yet that was what made her so deceiving and manipulative. In the end she had only deceived herself and had managed to do the one thing she had not intended to do—love the man she loathed.
When I was told Tomoe was the traitor, I vehemently denied such a thing. In my heart I knew there were always suspicions about her but I knew that there was love in her eyes for me. All it took was to read a few passages in her journal for my world to crash around me. I thought I had died then… who knew that it would be later that it would really be true. It took me months to read her journal all the way through. It was such a private thing I just could not make myself do it. I was glad I did though. I had been worried for a long time that she had never really loved me. She had never said so, but then again neither had I.
"Kenshin, look at this! Isn't it pretty?"
Tomoe would never wear such a brilliant color as orange. No, she was milder and less vivacious then Kaoru. It was that liveliness that drew me to her, like a moth to a flame. I just couldn't help it really. Kaoru just demanded that kind of attention. This is why I always tried to accompany her wherever she went as there were always lingering eyes that I did not want on my Kaoru.
I want to say that since everything that has happened with Enishi things have returned to normal, but I can't lie to myself that well. Ever since we've returned to Tokyo I've been following Kaoru like a hawk. Now I'm not paranoid, just worried that a repeat of what happened at the dojo will occur. I don't think I can go through such a traumatic experience like that again. Kaoru doesn't deserve to die by my past faults. She doesn't deserve to be stained by my hands.
I haven't told her yet what happened to me those days when she was kidnapped. I can't quite form the words around the lump that settles in my throat whenever I attempt to. How could I explain to her that my life was no longer worth living because she was gone? That any hopes I had for a future had died away with her that fateful day? How could I say these things to her without causing her to cry or feel guilty over the power she had over me? How could I not fall apart into pieces just remembering? I had been so broken then—I thought I would never be put back together.
I do not ever wish for Tomoe's death, but I cannot help but wonder what I would have done if she was still alive and I would have meet Kaoru. I'm almost afraid to answer such a question. Tomoe owned my heart but Kaoru—Kaoru owns my soul, my very being. I think—know I could never live without her.
"Kenshin?"
I blink back into reality my mind awakening from the spiraling thoughts and anxieties. There was such a sad look painted across her beautiful face that it broke my heart. Such a look didn't belong there and it hurt worse because I knew I was the cause of her worry and sadness.
"Yes, Kaoru-dono, it is very pretty, de gozaru yo." I try to give her a warm smile but fail madly. Her worry was not alleviated and the doubts that swam through her eyes grew. I wish I wasn't so good at brooding, actually I wish I didn't do it so often. I certainly didn't like divulging into my darkest thoughts and reliving each painful moment second after second. It couldn't be helped sometimes… I was genuinely happy about the ribbon and thought that it would be perfect for Kaoru, but Tomoe seeped into my thoughts and altered the moment.
Kaoru never pushed me to explain my bouts of depression and I was thankful for that but I also wished she did. I wanted to share my everything with her like she did for me, but like I couldn't bring myself to tell her about those days in Rakuninmura, I couldn't pass my burden onto her. Kaoru was infinitely patient though and I knew eventually I'd tell her things, small things, if only to relieve her of her pain.
Kaoru returns her attention to the ribbon, her excitement about it not as bright as it was before hand. "Yes it is." She places the silk cloth back to its original position and gives me a bright, if forced smile. "Let's go home Kenshin."
Though it was the same words she said when we all returned from Kyoto after the Shishio Makoto affair, it did not carry the same tone.
"Wait, Kaoru-dono." I turn to face the vendor and pick up the ribbon Kaoru previously laid down. "Sessha would like to purchase this please." The man behind the stand smiles gently and takes the piece of material to wrap.
"But Kenshin…" Kaoru starts to protest pulling on my kimono sleeve gently. I just turn to her and smile softly inwardly grinning as she blushes prettily. The vendor clears his throat and we exchange payment for the object. Once the transaction was finished I walk ahead of Kaoru back towards the dojo trying very hard not to look back at the confusion that I was sure was etched on her fair face.
It wasn't until we arrived in the privacy of our home that I face Kaoru again. She pouts her pink lips at me and I resist the urge to laugh. There were many differences between Kaoru and Tomoe, and though Tomoe will always carry a piece of my heart there will always be more than enough room for Kaoru and her bright orange ribbon.
AN: Firstly, a large Thank You for all the reviews! I really do appreciate them and they make my day so very much. Okay, I had to put a note here simply because I lost my original train of thought... Orange is a hard color to connect to Kenshin, not like red. The only thing I could think of was Enishi's pants which took the idea everywhere.
Correction notes: In re-visiting this chapter I noticed a flaw in Kenshin's thinking. Firstly, he would never think ill of Tomoe, especially to putting her to blame for the change in his mood. Also, I fixed the glaring present/past tense errors.
