A Mid-Summer Ball's Thoughts: Lexie
I've blown it! There's no other way to put it, I've totally, completely blown it! I can't believe it! Archie stands there looking Drop Dead Gorgeous, tells me he loves me; the words I've been waiting for 3 long years to hear, the words that seemed an impossible dream just this morning. He proposed for Heaven's sake! What did I do in return? Drop those darn plates (which I'm surprised I didn't do anyway), throw my arms around him, accept & kiss him senseless? No, that's what I should have done, that's what I desperately wanted to do, but what did I do? I acted like some stupid teenager & panicked! I panicked & despite every fibre of being screaming 'Say Yes!' I heard my own voice say that I loved him but no. I heard myself (in a voice that didn't sound anything like mine), try to explain, to both of us, why I could never mak a Laird's wife.
I let my fears & old insecurities get the better of me. I suddenly had an awful vision come up in my mind's eye of Stella & how much better she would look on Archie's arm, looking gorgeous & saying all the right things at some function or other. Being accepted by everyone (however posh), as the best possible wife for Archie & the best possible Lady Laird for Glen Bogle. If Stella had stayed, this place would run like clockwork in no time; Glen Bogle deserves that. But then the bank would never have given Archie back the deeds & pulled Stella out if she hadn't done what they sent her here to do. That's the thing about banks, they don't have hearts, they can't fall in love & change their mind's (even if the people who work for them can claim to have done just that).
God knows, no-one could understand better than I do just how easy Archie MacDonald is to helplessly fall in love with! (Why else would I be standing here weeping fit to fill Loch Bogle 10 times over?) What I'll never understand though, & what's made me SO angry, is the way Stella went about trying to get him to love her back! That's the thing about love, you can't force someone to reciprocate. If you try, the whole thing just turns you into poison. At least, for all it's other faults, the whatever it was with Katrina was never forced! Did the high & mighty Ms. Moon really think that the way to Archie's heart was to build Glen Bogle up, only to tear it down again on the most important day for the Estate in 10 years? (I, of all people, should have seen what was coming & stopped her sooner!) Not only to do that, but to do it in front of the Bank, at least 2 other clan heads, & half of the most important people this side of Edinburgh, all so as to be there if & when Archie needed a shoulder to cry on?!
If she did, then, for all her undoubted intelligence & financial know-how, she's even more soulless & desperate than I gave her credit for! Someday, maybe, when she's been gone for quite a while, I'll find it in my heart to feel pity for her; I hope so because I don't want my dislike of her to blight me, but right now, I can't promise anything. The way she treated Archie (not to mention the rest of us), was, after all, absolutely appalling! If nothing else, how could she ever have thought that the man she claimed to love would be so shallow?
There's no doubt that Archie is plenty of things (not all of them good), but he is certainly not shallow! Had he been, he probably would have sold up the 1st chance he got, & headed back for his London restaurant with not a thought, oh, I know he started to often enough; but instead, in the end, he did the exact opposite. Though I know it was hard on him, when his brother died, he eventually came back up here, stayed to help his 'unusual' parents, & eventually let go of his own dreams for himself & started over. Not many people (son or no son), would or even could, have done that! Not the actions of a shallow man, by any stretch of the imagination!
Oh, he can be stubborn & proud, sure, but who can't? His temper is much calmer (or his fuse is longer), than mine, yet I can't count the times he has appeared round the kitchen door (pretty much like earlier) with a cautious half-smile on his face, just when I was ready to be soothed or reassured. I don't know if he ever did that for Justine, Katrina or Stella, I don't care anymore, the point is he was there for me when I needed him. Nobody could deny Archie is a good friend as well as a good Laird.
He hides it well, but I can see him squirm when someone calls him Laird. He is rightly proud of Glen Bogle, he loves it here now (however he felt at first), but the title & the expectations still weigh heavy on his shoulders. To him, it's still Jamie's birth-rite; a birth-rite he feels (wrongly), as though he has 'stolen' in some way. Damn it, it would help no end if a big part of Hector didn't feel that way to! Much as I like Katrina, her opinion of the 'aristocracy' didn't do much to help matters either!
I see Archie's doubts most strongly when he goes into the village; he hardly ever goes alone & when he does go in, he sticks close to whomever he is with. People who don't know him can think he's being reserved & superior, but it's really just shyness & uncertainty. He knows that people see their Laird first & Archie McDonald second, in some ways they have to, but it only makes things harder on him. (If he knew how often I've defended him from charges of being aloof I don't know what he'd think!)
None of the McDonald's has ever made me feel any less important than them, even though our backgrounds are so completely different. That's why I've always been so willing to defend them & Archie. The whole family has never really taken me (or anyone else on the Estate), for granted. They've earned my loyalty and respect & that means a lot to me. The day Archie became Clan Chief he asked me up onto the stage with everyone else as though I was one of the family. I even got to be there when Martha was born. People round here have long memories though, & Archie still feels a lot of the time as though he's being compared to his brother (which I'd bet the family silver he is, in private). I wish I could help him.
If we were still friends maybe I could help him, but after today I truly don't what we are anymore. But when it comes down to it, we do both live here, so we'll have to find a way to talk to each other, eventually. If I had been a true friend, I could have taken him with me more often or something; shown him it's ok to be who he is, that who he is is good enough. Being who you are is all you can do.
I know it's probably the last thing I should be thinking about or feeling this right now, (Hell! I don't know, what are you supposed to feel when you've just turned down a marriage proposal from the only man you'll ever truly love? Stupid, sad, in pain? Sign me up for all of the above & a whole lot more that I don't even want to think about!) but I do wish Archie had seen me in the gown, just once! I think it must have been ok from the look on Duncan's face when I tried it on. (Duncan is a good friend to for insisting I take his money like that). I still shudder with shame when I think of how I treated Duncan in the past, & yet he was still there, as a true friend, when I needed bailing out.
Thinking about it though, going to the Ball today would have been like a living fairy-tale. Me, Lexie as a modern-day Cinderella to Archie's Prince Charming. It would have nice to get all dressed up & pretend to myself & everyone else that I did belong with Archie, even if it was only for just one day. But then I guess the whole point of fairy-tales it that they can never come true. They'd only lose their magic if they did I suppose. Even so, it would have been nice. Only then it all went wrong thanks to Stella & her nasty, mean-minded tricks. So I packed the dream away (to be taken out sometimes on long, lonely nights along with the moments on the train, at the station & in the kitchen), & did everything I could to get that slimy toad from the bank back on our side. Thank God we all pitched in together in time & he changed his mind or I don't know what would have happened!
I don't know what's going to happen now though. My job is safe, I know that much. (Archie would never fire me for refusing him, it's illegal anyway, Molly would kill him & anyway, it's not his style). So I'll stay here, my home, knowing that I belong to the Estate at least, if not to Archie. Seeing & talking to him every day will surely be almost more painful than I can bare, but it's the price I must pay for ever having let myself dream. It wouldn't be so bad if I was the only one who knew, but I'd bet the Loch that Molly's known all along; she's never said anything, but I can see it in her eyes sometimes, she knows. Looking back, her hand on my shoulder at the Clan Gathering said all there was to say. Though I know she's fond of Katrina, she wanted it all along for Archie & I too; but now it's just another sorrow for her to add to far too long & far too hard a list. So all that's left to me now is just to slip back into the shadows, do my job the best way I can & try to protect my heart.
Unless… I do as Archie says & take a chance on him & on us. People will talk of course, but that's nothing new, they've been doing that anyway; I've heard the whispers, really ever since Katrina left. There's been gossip, most often the kind that stops when I get too close – the kind that can only either be about me or bound to make me mad. It's like they think I'm deaf or stupid or something as well as everything else. People in the village aren't daft, they know I've had chances to go & is doesn't take a genius to see there's only one reason really strong enough to make me stay. No-one has ever dared say anything to my face though. I do try not to react to the gossip in public (tough as that can sometimes be), as that would only 'add fuel to the fire' & make Archie's trips to the village even more difficult. That's the LAST thing I want.
There was talk about Archie & Stella for a while, as there was about Justine (a claymore through my heart if ever there was one), but people never really took it that seriously; they knew that try as they might & try as they both did, they'd never make it here long-term. I mean, let's face facts here; Archie was attracted to Justine precisely because she'd never fit in here. Maybe part of him thought if he stayed with Justine he'd never have to face his past, Glen Bogle's past? I don't know.
Then there was Katrina. In a lot of ways that was different. Katrina was, still is, a friend of mine. Maybe, if that had worked out for them, given time & a bothy or croft on the Estate instead of rooms in the big house, I could have accepted it. But anyway, it wasn't to be. In the end they were either too different or too similar; no-one (especially them), ever seemed to be quite sure which. Whenever I think of Katrina I can't help thinking of the day she1st left. It was the day Lizzie's daughter Martha, was born. When all the fuss in the House had died down, I was singing wee Martha her first lullaby while Lizzie slept, when I heard Archie come walking up the drive. I wasn't surprised that he'd gone after Katrina, nor was I really surprised he came back alone. It hurt me badly to see the hurt in his face, but I'm ready to admit that it lit a flicker of hope in me. Even when Katrina returned for a while, as painful as that was at the time, the hope refused to die completely. Has that flicker gone out now?
Stella, I can still hardly bare to think about her, the pain and anger are still far too raw. I know she helped in the end, but I just can't be objective about her. We one had or two good times whilst she was here (like the feast we had when the freezer defrosted due to the blackout caused by the 'Great Glen Bogle Strike'), but Stella wasn't there & it was a fun night not because of, but in spite of, her. For a very short while, I thought we might be friends, but then I saw that she was simply trying to drive a wedge between Archie & I. I do know one thing though. Even if they had paired off, Stella & Archie would eventually have faltered (with no help from me), because she'll always be the restless kind – reaching one place and only stopping long enough to look for the roadmap to the next, whereas Archie has found his place. Here, with me? Don't get me wrong, it's not like I haven't share of romantic problems; there was Stuart the developer. He really sucked me in for a while & look what a slime-ball he turned out to be!
One thing about Archie, even through everything, he never forgot about 'his Princess', me. He never forgot (even when I wanted him to so that I could tell myself I hated him). There was always a smile, a touch or sometimes even a hug, for the girl who hid herself in the shadows. Why did I choose to hide in the shadows when that's usually not my style at all? Why was I willing to lose him to Katrina? Maybe it was because this time was different. Archie's different and that scared me. What is it they say? If you set something free & it doesn't come back it was never yours to begin with? Ok, so, sometimes, it took Archie a while to look, but the point is, he looked.
And now? Now, Archie's finally holding out a hand to me, wanting me to step into the sun. So why am I so afraid? I knew right from that kiss at the station that I could never be in love with anyone else & yet now I'm still afraid. I'm afraid because the cover of the shadows was safe. I never had to risk anything in the shadows. Now though, those same shadows are cold. So cold. If I stay in them my heart will freeze. I can't let that happen; I won't let that happen! This time Molly's prediction will come true! I set Archie free & he came back; that must mean something! Hopefully it means it's time for me to feel the warmth of the sun.
As for being the 'Laird's Wife', some people might say I'd got too big for my boots, but I realise now. that's their problem, not mine The most important thing is I love Archie. I know that & so does he. That love is going to give me all the courage I'll ever need to take a chance on happiness. Being Archie's wife will be great, he's handsome, kind, funny & gentle & he'll be there for me, just as I will for him. All I can do now is pray with all my heart that he still feels the same way he did earlier! If he does, there'll be things to learn & problems to solve, but that's ok because I won't be alone. Archie will be there with me; there to help, guide, & convince me, but most of all to love me.
To heck with it! I want Archie to see me in my gown. I want to know if he likes his (hopefully) fiancée better in that or my usual clothes. At least then, if it is too late, I'll have another precious memory to hold onto if nothing else.
Oh my Gosh! I didn't even tell him how handsome he looked; fine start to our new lives that would be! If I hurry & change he might be down by the loch, or still by the dance floor, maybe, just maybe…
