Chapter four:
As time went by I realized how little I was needed here. Nobody needed me at all, not even "my kids." I guess you could say that I got depressed. I had no focus at all. I let my schoolwork fall. I barely turned in anything. I spoke to almost no one, then only the other 'kids' occasionally. They were all busy with their families and lives and rarely saw me.
I don't know when I decided to commit suicide; it just popped into my mind one day. I thought about it for a while, rolling it around in my mind. I figured it was a good idea. I wouldn't be a charity case for anyone anymore, I wouldn't be lonely anymore, and, well, I wouldn't be anything anymore. I had nothing to live for now. Before, at Master Alan's house, I had to live so the other kids could live. If I died, they died. Now there was no consequence.
I chose the day carefully, because I didn't want to wreck a nice sunny day. That was pretty much all we had in the summer. Finally there was an overcast day that made most people slothful. I had chosen to slit my wrists, so I grabbed my knife.
I figured I only got to do this once so I wanted to do it right. I decided to go out to the forest and climb a tree. I would tie myself to a branch and do it there. I liked the trees; they were so pretty and tall.
On my way out I had to go through the Companion's field. I wasn't sure about the Companions. At first I had thought they were just well trained, white horses, but I had seen many things that didn't add up with that. I had heard conversations that seemed to come from them and the Heralds. It had spooked me and I had tightened my shields since then.
I passed a pond with a single boy swimming in it. Suddenly, when I was almost out of hearing range, he cried out in pain. "Cramp," he hollered, "I've got a cramp." I turned and ran back to the water's edge. I couldn't swim, but I snaked the whip I had brought with me to tie myself to the tree with over the water. He gratefully grabbed on to it and I hauled him in. I heard hooves thundering up behind me and his Companion skidded to a stop beside me. She wuffled all over him, making sure he was all right. She turned and lipped my hair in thanks when she was done.
I ducked my head and walked quickly away. I didn't even notice when they looked at each other and followed me. I picked out a tall tree with a lot of branches so I could climb it easier. I struggled up and tied myself to it with the whip.
I reached out with my mind and spoke only to the 'kids' :Good bye, you guys. I'll see you at the Havens.:
I took out the knife I had chosen and balanced it between my knees. I looked down and saw the boy and his Companion watching me.
"Hey what're ya doing?" The boy called up to me curiously.
"Nothing for you to concern yourself about. Please leave."
He looked up at me strangely, but they faded back into the trees.
I felt the 'kids' trying to contact me worriedly and shielded harder. I set my wrists to the blade and slashed down deeply. I bit my lips until they bled to keep from crying out.
I heard an equine scream and saw the boy and Companion were back at the bottom of the tree. It didn't seem to matter any more, nothing seemed to matter. The knife fell to the ground and I leaned back into the tree. Soon, there were more people there and a man dressed oddly in many colors climbed quickly up the tree. He bandaged up my arms and untied me quickly. When I felt him doing this, I started struggling weakly. He ignored me and soon we were on the ground. I jerked around and succeeded in getting the bandages off my arms. I pulled at the wounds and tried to get them to bleed more. They grabbed my arms when they saw this. I had lost a lot of blood and gratefully passed out into blackness.
The first thing I thought of when I woke up is that I messed up. I was still alive. The second thing I noticed was that there were people around and they were talking about me.
:I wonder why she tried to kill herself. I checked with the other kids from her group and they said that they would have never thought she'd do it. What do you think?:
:I think that she is awake right now. I don't know why she did it, maybe Talia can figure it out.:
"Of course I'm awake. You guys are talking loud enough to wake up the dead." It was just after I said this that I realized they hadn't said anything out loud. They turned to me in surprise and I muttered out, "Hell, why now." Now would be the time I slipped up.
Before the Heralds could comment, a Healer came bustling into the room to check on me. She looked over me with a look of pity and a little disgust. "Well, you're awake at least. Your arms probably burn like crazy, but they'll heal. Won't scar too bad either. Now, I want you to take it easy for awhile. Somebody is going to room with you for a little bit. She's one of our Herald trainees who got hurt pretty bad. She'll be in here in not too long and I'd appreciate it if you were nice to her. Well, there's nothing I can do for you now, so I'll be on my way."
She turned and scurried out again before anyone could say a word.
The Heralds turned to me, "So, you can mindspeak, huh? Any other gifts you've been hiding from us?" The only male in the room was the one who spoke. There were also two females whom I didn't know.
"I haven't hidden anything from you. You never asked me if I had any gifts. Well, I have mindspeach, obviously. I also have thought sensing. I have both of them in a pretty large supply, or so my tutors told me. They didn't like it that I could shield from them either. I don't think I have any others. I also apologize for eavesdropping on your conversation earlier. My shields were low, so I just over heard."
I think we would have had a longer talk, they certainly wanted to, but the trainee was brought into the room.
It turned out to be a girl of about eight. I learned that her gifts had opened early and had caused some damage to the 'channels.' Also, she was badly hurt from a fall on a mountain. She had only been chosen today while she was being brought to the Healers. Ironically, she had mindspeach, which wasn't as powerful as mine, but it made her think she was crazy.
She was asleep when she was brought in, but soon after they all left she woke up. She looked at me with fear in her eyes.
"It's okay, nobody here will hurt you. My name is Ria, what's yours?"
"Austen. Am I crazy? I keep hearing voices and they hurt my head." She started to cry and I hurried over to her bed.
I stumbled a little from loss of blood earlier, but made it over without falling. I gathered her in my arms and rocked her a little on her bed.
"You aren't crazy. You're nowhere near crazy. What you have is called a gift. You have the ability to mindspeak and you're going to become a Herald. Would you like me to teach you to stop the voices?" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and nodded quickly.
"You have to promise me one thing first."
"What?"
"You have to promise not to tell them that I taught you, okay?"
"I promise."
"Do you think you can sleep some more? I promise to stop the voices until I can teach you how to."
"Can you start teaching me now? I'm not tired anymore."
So the lessons began, and soon she had passable shields. This was more from her determination than my teaching ability.
The day after I woke up, when I was still shielding both of us girls, a Herald came and talked to both of us. I learned that it was Herald Talia, the one who was supposed to find out why I slit my wrists. I didn't say much and she didn't push at all. Austen relaxed with her and I think she felt a lot better when Talia left. I quickly learned her whole life story, and everything else she cared to tell me, but I didn't mind. I made up a background for myself, and an illness for why I was at the Healers. She didn't question any of it at all.
I quickly learned that she had nightmares and liked to cuddle up to someone when she was scared. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence to wake up with her cuddled in my arms. We were always in our own beds when other people came into the room, though. I always 'listened' to the hall coming down to our room and sent her to her own bed when someone was coming to check on us.
The 'kids' came in as soon as they were allowed. They all babbled at once, but didn't mention what I did. Many of them had tried to kill themselves at one time or another, without success. When they finally left, I was exhausted. I fell into a fitful sleep, and for the first time, dreamed of being back at Master Alan's house.
I woke up drenched in sweat, cuddled against someone's chest. Judging from the softness and the fragrance, it was a female. I jerked my eyes open and stared up at a young Herald whom I didn't know.
"Shhh, you're okay now. It's only a dream." She spoke softly, so as not to startle me.
I wanted to do nothing but lean into her and sob for hours, but that would be weak. One thing I learned at Master Alan's was that weakness was not an option. Someone would take advantage of any weakness you showed. You couldn't rely on anyone but yourself.
I clenched my jaw and rolled away from her, "thank you, but I'm fine."
She gave a sad smile, "No, you're not. I'm an Empath, and felt everything you did. Your shields were low, and feelings high. Would you like to talk about it?"
"No, I can't." I started shaking from keeping the tears in. It had been about three years since I had cried. I had promised myself that I wouldn't cry for Master Alan ever again, and I hadn't. All that pent up emotion wanted to come out now. My eyes filled up and I sniffed and blinked, trying to keep it all in.
The girl scooped me up again and I bawled against her chest. I cried for what seemed like hours, then spoke for even longer. It was like I couldn't stop. When it was all over I felt more tired than I ever had before in my life. She stayed with me until I fell asleep, but when I woke up in the morning, she was gone.
I immediately built up my shields as thick as I could make them. My eyes were sore, but my head was clear. I thought about my options for a while. I could stay and still be useless, or I could go out into the world and find something to do by myself. I finally decided to sneak out and do my own thing. I snuck out the window and went to my old room. I put on the clothes that I had come here in and grabbed my weapons. I went back to the healer's room and said good bye to Austen. She cried a little, but said she wouldn't tell on me. I promised her that I would keep in touch, and left quickly.
As time went by I realized how little I was needed here. Nobody needed me at all, not even "my kids." I guess you could say that I got depressed. I had no focus at all. I let my schoolwork fall. I barely turned in anything. I spoke to almost no one, then only the other 'kids' occasionally. They were all busy with their families and lives and rarely saw me.
I don't know when I decided to commit suicide; it just popped into my mind one day. I thought about it for a while, rolling it around in my mind. I figured it was a good idea. I wouldn't be a charity case for anyone anymore, I wouldn't be lonely anymore, and, well, I wouldn't be anything anymore. I had nothing to live for now. Before, at Master Alan's house, I had to live so the other kids could live. If I died, they died. Now there was no consequence.
I chose the day carefully, because I didn't want to wreck a nice sunny day. That was pretty much all we had in the summer. Finally there was an overcast day that made most people slothful. I had chosen to slit my wrists, so I grabbed my knife.
I figured I only got to do this once so I wanted to do it right. I decided to go out to the forest and climb a tree. I would tie myself to a branch and do it there. I liked the trees; they were so pretty and tall.
On my way out I had to go through the Companion's field. I wasn't sure about the Companions. At first I had thought they were just well trained, white horses, but I had seen many things that didn't add up with that. I had heard conversations that seemed to come from them and the Heralds. It had spooked me and I had tightened my shields since then.
I passed a pond with a single boy swimming in it. Suddenly, when I was almost out of hearing range, he cried out in pain. "Cramp," he hollered, "I've got a cramp." I turned and ran back to the water's edge. I couldn't swim, but I snaked the whip I had brought with me to tie myself to the tree with over the water. He gratefully grabbed on to it and I hauled him in. I heard hooves thundering up behind me and his Companion skidded to a stop beside me. She wuffled all over him, making sure he was all right. She turned and lipped my hair in thanks when she was done.
I ducked my head and walked quickly away. I didn't even notice when they looked at each other and followed me. I picked out a tall tree with a lot of branches so I could climb it easier. I struggled up and tied myself to it with the whip.
I reached out with my mind and spoke only to the 'kids' :Good bye, you guys. I'll see you at the Havens.:
I took out the knife I had chosen and balanced it between my knees. I looked down and saw the boy and his Companion watching me.
"Hey what're ya doing?" The boy called up to me curiously.
"Nothing for you to concern yourself about. Please leave."
He looked up at me strangely, but they faded back into the trees.
I felt the 'kids' trying to contact me worriedly and shielded harder. I set my wrists to the blade and slashed down deeply. I bit my lips until they bled to keep from crying out.
I heard an equine scream and saw the boy and Companion were back at the bottom of the tree. It didn't seem to matter any more, nothing seemed to matter. The knife fell to the ground and I leaned back into the tree. Soon, there were more people there and a man dressed oddly in many colors climbed quickly up the tree. He bandaged up my arms and untied me quickly. When I felt him doing this, I started struggling weakly. He ignored me and soon we were on the ground. I jerked around and succeeded in getting the bandages off my arms. I pulled at the wounds and tried to get them to bleed more. They grabbed my arms when they saw this. I had lost a lot of blood and gratefully passed out into blackness.
The first thing I thought of when I woke up is that I messed up. I was still alive. The second thing I noticed was that there were people around and they were talking about me.
:I wonder why she tried to kill herself. I checked with the other kids from her group and they said that they would have never thought she'd do it. What do you think?:
:I think that she is awake right now. I don't know why she did it, maybe Talia can figure it out.:
"Of course I'm awake. You guys are talking loud enough to wake up the dead." It was just after I said this that I realized they hadn't said anything out loud. They turned to me in surprise and I muttered out, "Hell, why now." Now would be the time I slipped up.
Before the Heralds could comment, a Healer came bustling into the room to check on me. She looked over me with a look of pity and a little disgust. "Well, you're awake at least. Your arms probably burn like crazy, but they'll heal. Won't scar too bad either. Now, I want you to take it easy for awhile. Somebody is going to room with you for a little bit. She's one of our Herald trainees who got hurt pretty bad. She'll be in here in not too long and I'd appreciate it if you were nice to her. Well, there's nothing I can do for you now, so I'll be on my way."
She turned and scurried out again before anyone could say a word.
The Heralds turned to me, "So, you can mindspeak, huh? Any other gifts you've been hiding from us?" The only male in the room was the one who spoke. There were also two females whom I didn't know.
"I haven't hidden anything from you. You never asked me if I had any gifts. Well, I have mindspeach, obviously. I also have thought sensing. I have both of them in a pretty large supply, or so my tutors told me. They didn't like it that I could shield from them either. I don't think I have any others. I also apologize for eavesdropping on your conversation earlier. My shields were low, so I just over heard."
I think we would have had a longer talk, they certainly wanted to, but the trainee was brought into the room.
It turned out to be a girl of about eight. I learned that her gifts had opened early and had caused some damage to the 'channels.' Also, she was badly hurt from a fall on a mountain. She had only been chosen today while she was being brought to the Healers. Ironically, she had mindspeach, which wasn't as powerful as mine, but it made her think she was crazy.
She was asleep when she was brought in, but soon after they all left she woke up. She looked at me with fear in her eyes.
"It's okay, nobody here will hurt you. My name is Ria, what's yours?"
"Austen. Am I crazy? I keep hearing voices and they hurt my head." She started to cry and I hurried over to her bed.
I stumbled a little from loss of blood earlier, but made it over without falling. I gathered her in my arms and rocked her a little on her bed.
"You aren't crazy. You're nowhere near crazy. What you have is called a gift. You have the ability to mindspeak and you're going to become a Herald. Would you like me to teach you to stop the voices?" She looked up at me with tears in her eyes and nodded quickly.
"You have to promise me one thing first."
"What?"
"You have to promise not to tell them that I taught you, okay?"
"I promise."
"Do you think you can sleep some more? I promise to stop the voices until I can teach you how to."
"Can you start teaching me now? I'm not tired anymore."
So the lessons began, and soon she had passable shields. This was more from her determination than my teaching ability.
The day after I woke up, when I was still shielding both of us girls, a Herald came and talked to both of us. I learned that it was Herald Talia, the one who was supposed to find out why I slit my wrists. I didn't say much and she didn't push at all. Austen relaxed with her and I think she felt a lot better when Talia left. I quickly learned her whole life story, and everything else she cared to tell me, but I didn't mind. I made up a background for myself, and an illness for why I was at the Healers. She didn't question any of it at all.
I quickly learned that she had nightmares and liked to cuddle up to someone when she was scared. It wasn't an uncommon occurrence to wake up with her cuddled in my arms. We were always in our own beds when other people came into the room, though. I always 'listened' to the hall coming down to our room and sent her to her own bed when someone was coming to check on us.
The 'kids' came in as soon as they were allowed. They all babbled at once, but didn't mention what I did. Many of them had tried to kill themselves at one time or another, without success. When they finally left, I was exhausted. I fell into a fitful sleep, and for the first time, dreamed of being back at Master Alan's house.
I woke up drenched in sweat, cuddled against someone's chest. Judging from the softness and the fragrance, it was a female. I jerked my eyes open and stared up at a young Herald whom I didn't know.
"Shhh, you're okay now. It's only a dream." She spoke softly, so as not to startle me.
I wanted to do nothing but lean into her and sob for hours, but that would be weak. One thing I learned at Master Alan's was that weakness was not an option. Someone would take advantage of any weakness you showed. You couldn't rely on anyone but yourself.
I clenched my jaw and rolled away from her, "thank you, but I'm fine."
She gave a sad smile, "No, you're not. I'm an Empath, and felt everything you did. Your shields were low, and feelings high. Would you like to talk about it?"
"No, I can't." I started shaking from keeping the tears in. It had been about three years since I had cried. I had promised myself that I wouldn't cry for Master Alan ever again, and I hadn't. All that pent up emotion wanted to come out now. My eyes filled up and I sniffed and blinked, trying to keep it all in.
The girl scooped me up again and I bawled against her chest. I cried for what seemed like hours, then spoke for even longer. It was like I couldn't stop. When it was all over I felt more tired than I ever had before in my life. She stayed with me until I fell asleep, but when I woke up in the morning, she was gone.
I immediately built up my shields as thick as I could make them. My eyes were sore, but my head was clear. I thought about my options for a while. I could stay and still be useless, or I could go out into the world and find something to do by myself. I finally decided to sneak out and do my own thing. I snuck out the window and went to my old room. I put on the clothes that I had come here in and grabbed my weapons. I went back to the healer's room and said good bye to Austen. She cried a little, but said she wouldn't tell on me. I promised her that I would keep in touch, and left quickly.
