If I Can't Love Her

By: Night Music

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(Part Three)

Sarah laughed as Silver slowly guided her up the steps that led out onto the deck, her eyes closed as he had instructed her to do. "You realize, of course, that if I manage to fall and break my leg, you're the one that will be forced to run the inn while I'm healing and I promise I shall not make it easy on you."

She heard his deep laughter as she carefully made her way up the stairs one step at a time. "Ye know I'll not be lettin' ye fall, lass. All ye have to do is trust me." He held onto one of her hands with the firm grip of his human flesh as she carefully ran her hand along the railing with the other one to keep herself steady.

Trust… The word was something that seemed to be playing a rather large role in everyone's vocabulary today. Jim had insisted several times that she not worry over her surprise and that she simply allow herself to trust him, and now Silver was guiding her along like a child urging her to put all of her trust in the fact that she knew he would never let her fall. Silently it made her heart ache every time she heard that word for it was something she thought she had lost altogether when Leland left her. She had put so much faith and trust in him that when he broke it, she was left completely shattered and defenseless. Her only means of hiding this pain and sorrow was to swear to herself that she would never put such a blind faith in another being again.

Yet ironically enough, here she was now with a very literal blind faith in Silver as he led her up the stairs of his ship. The feeling of his large, strong hand wrapped around her smaller one, and the soothing sound of his voice compelled her to follow him as though in a trance drew her onward. Her heart knew no fear or doubt and with each step he took back, she matched it with one step forward, never allowing the gap between them to widen.

"Easy now," he murmured softly as he gave her hand a quick squeeze. "Last step right here. There… Now, ye're out on the deck."

Sarah couldn't help but give a slight smile as she felt a strong wind blowing through her hair, causing her dress to again furl about her legs. "Can I open my eyes now?"

"No, no, not quite yet. Just a bit further now."

"That low noise…a humming…what is that?"

"Aye, well, that would be the auto-pilot ye're son installed for me. Interesting device, I must say. Simply set the coordinates ye need and it guides ye right to them." Silver gave a soft laugh. "Of course it wouldn't work very well for long distances, but an hour or two just to give the crew some downtime is always pleasant."

He began to guide her by the one hand he already held, but stopped short when she reached out her other hand instinctively for him to take. He hesitated, glancing down at his cyborg hand with uncertainty and then back to her hand that reached out to him. He'd never touched her before with that cyborg limb, and was always afraid of what her reaction to it would be. Would the reminder of what he really was be too much for her? Would she immediately think of him as less of a man and more as a machine? Would she recoil from the feel of the cold, hard metal against her warm, living flesh? People had looked upon Silver and their eyes had grown wide with fear at the sight of him. His cyborg limb had been used to kill on so many different occasions. How could he even think of touching such innocence with the blood of so many lives on him? Why, even Jim had shied away from the touch of his cyborg hand when they first met. If Sarah were to do that, he knew his heart would break inside of him.

"Silver?"

The pirate looked up quickly and saw the look of slight confusion at the pause on the woman's face, her hand still reaching out for him almost as though she were afraid he had left her side even as she still clung to his other hand. She was so beautiful…so trusting…never once opening her eyes. It was almost as though she would let him guide her all the way to the ends of the galaxy if he asked it of her.

With a deep breath, Silver stretched out his hand and carefully took hold of her own with that machine-like attachment. "It's alright, Sarah. I'm right here. I've not left ye." He could see the slight tension in her body relax as she took hold of his hand…and did not pull away. She allowed him to wrap his fingers carefully about her hand, and he saw not even the slightest flinch upon her face at the feeling of the cold metal on her warm skin. In fact, he could have sworn he almost saw a pleasant blush and a smile form over those lovely lips as she tightened her hand on his own, ready for him to lead her onward.

Deep inside, his heart throbbed with love for her and the tender acceptance she showed him. An acceptance he had never known before.

Sarah felt him begin to pull her along gently again, and in her minds eye she knew he was leading them towards the bow of the ship. She kept her eyes closed, feet moving carefully over the planks of the ship to avoid tripping up on the long material of her skirt. Her heart was still fluttering inside of her at the feel of his hands wrapped around her own. His human hand was warm and solid, engulfing her small fingers in a firm grip that promised to never let her go. His cyborg hand was just as large, with an incredible strength behind it that she could sense as he forced the machinery to wrap gently about her hand, almost as though afraid of crushing it with his sheer power. The knowledge that such a giant of a man with an obvious amount of strength could be so tender with her was one of the most beautiful things she had ever experience.

Again his soft voice broke into her thoughts as she felt him stop short. "Alright, now, I want ye to stay right here." Slowly he let go of her hands, almost as though not wanting to break the contact anymore than she did. There was a slight sound as he did something off to one side and she heard the power of the ship being shut down to leave only the sound of the cool wind blowing about them.

She smiled a bit, clasping her hands together tightly with that nervous excitement over what he had planned. "Can I open them now?" she asked again, like a child standing over her Christmas presents, waiting for the moment when she could tear into them.

She heard him give that soft laugh of his once again as she felt him come to stand behind her, hands moving to her shoulders as he leaned down to whisper softly into her ear. "Not yet… Just a few more minutes, love. Just a few more minutes." Gently he ran his hands lightly down her arms.

For a moment Sarah stood perfectly still, straining her senses to find any kind of hint as to what this grand surprise was, but slowly she found herself becoming very aware of the cyborg's closeness. His hands ran along her arms in a soothing motion, his strong chest pressed lightly against her back, and his lips were just a mere few centimeters above her ear, so close that it sent a pleasant chill down her spine as she felt his warm breath against her neck. She could actually feel his heart beating and the warmth of his nearness flooded through her with a thrill that she had not experienced in many years. She wondered what it must feel like to be held by him. Not as simply one friend to another, but as lovers. Those two strong arms wrapped tightly and protectively about her small body…his long fingers and beautiful hands caressing and rubbing her back in gentle motions…that soft voice of his, deep and enriched with his brogue, murmuring sweet words of love into her ear…

"Alright," Silver whispered suddenly, making her start a bit as she was torn from her pleasant thoughts. His hands came up to rest once more on her shoulders again and he gave them a firm squeeze as he murmured, "Alright, open them."

The moment Sarah's eyes fluttered open, a bright streak of light raced across the sky and she gasped, pulling back just a bit out of reaction. She heard Silver give a soft laugh at her startled reaction as his hands remained firmly on her shoulders, holding her in place at the bow of the ship. Just as quickly as the first streak had come, another one shot across the sky…and then another…and another…

Sarah's eyes widened with wonder at the sight. "A meteor shower."

She had heard of such things, but unfortunately had never been able to witness one as Montressor was the worst place to be able to see such sights. The last time they had been able to see a meteor shower from Montressor was when she was eight years old, and even then her parents had not let her stay up late enough to watch it.

All of a sudden the whole sky became alight with those blazing balls of fire as they shot across the sky towards unknown origin, streaking that rich darkness with their light. Sarah felt Silver's hands slide away from her shoulders as she stepped towards the railing of his ship, eyes wide with amazement as the meteors flamed like fireworks being set off for a grand celebration. She laughed as one came startlingly close, causing her to jump just a bit as Silver laughed, coming to join her at the railing as well.

"This is amazing, Silver," she murmured softly, eyes locked on the dark sky as meteors began to fall four and five at a time with barely any intervals. "I've never seen anything like it."

"Aye, well, ye can thank Jim for this bit of the surprise. He was the one that told me this display would be out tonight." He grinned that roguish, almost arrogant smile as he tipped his hat a bit proudly. "'Course I knew where it would best be seen. There's hardly a spot o' this galaxy I don't know like the back of my hand. I knew this would be the perfect place to watch such a display."

The young woman sighed deeply, bracing her hands against the railing as she leaned her face into the cool wind. "I can see why you love space so much. It's so beautiful out here. You'd never be able to see things like this back on Montressor."

Silver breathed in deeply of the clear air and nodded his agreement, watching the enthralling sight with a slight, knowing smile. "Aye. There's many a man that has heard the call of space and has gladly answered. Those who haven't…well, they've never known the freedom space can offer. There's no ties to anything, Sarah. No rules to guide you. Ye can go wherever you want to. See things that most men have only seen in their dreams. It's all out there. Oceans of stars…exotic locations…meteor showers that would make this one look like a candle next to the sun. Aye, I've never regretted hearin' that sirens song. Tis nearly all that has kept me goin' for quite some time now." He stopped, again breathing in deeply of the air, smiling at the thought of some day taking her to see all the sights he had described and more.

Sarah glanced away from the sky for a moment, a brief flickering of sadness showing in her eyes as she looked over towards the man at her side. He sat slouched a bit, resting his strong arms against the railing as he stared out into the sky with a look of passionate longing. She pursed her lips together, a sharp prick of jealousy forming in her heart as she turned to look back up towards the meteor shower once again, though this time with the kind of sad shame that a woman might feel when looking upon the mistress that has stolen her husband for her.

"It must be a terrible thing for you, Silver," she murmured at last, trying to keep her voice as light as possible though knowing that she failed miserably. "To be torn from that which you love so much, I mean. To be forced to remain in hiding when you could be out here where you…belong." A hint of bitterness crept into her last word and she attempted to cover over it by running her hands along her bare arms as though to warm them. For a moment she craved the warmth of his touch running tenderly along her again, but she quickly forced the thought from her mind as her heart gave another painful throb inside of her.

The pirate had turned to look at the woman carefully, noticing how suddenly she seemed to withdraw from him. She was a very private woman by nature and he knew this, but tonight he had seen her open up to him for the first time. He saw the romantic and feminine side of her. He saw the woman that he knew lay under all those layers she had placed over herself to keep from getting hurt again. Yet suddenly, just as quickly as it seemed to have come, it was gone in a flash as she again drew in on herself.

No, Sarah, don't do this to me. Please don't shut me out. Not tonight. Please, not tonight.

He rose to his full, intimidating height again, and turned to face the woman with a slight frown of concern. She seemed to feel his calculating stare and turned her face away from him so that he would not be able to read the pained expression on her face. He knew the stance she took all too well. Arms crossed firmly over her chest, whole body suddenly having gone rigid. It was the same stance she always took when she was trying to hide something from him. Something that he knew caused her pain and that tore her up inside, though she would never allow him to see what it was.

"Sarah," he spoke softly, though his voice now held a strength and commanding firmness to it. "Sarah, what's wrong?"

She shook her head in denial of the accusation, refusing to turn and look at him as she lowered her head downwards to study the planks beneath her feet.

The cyborg's concerned frown grew a bit more as he reached out with his human hand and caught hold of her chin, forcing her head upward so that it met his eyes…and he was shocked by what he saw. Tears…and pain. Tears that shimmered in the light of the continuing meteor shower and a pain that she couldn't hide no matter how hard she tried.

"When will you leave, Silver?" she whispered softly before he could say anything, now allowing the bitterness to show in her voice.

His features softened as he shook his head in confusion, honestly not knowing of what she spoke. "Leave? Sarah, I have no intentions of--."

"When will you leave?" she asked again, this time blinking her eyes a bit as a teardrop ran down her cheek to fall against his hand where he still held to her chin. "Space calls to you. I know it does. I see it every time when you look out at the sky. I hear it in the way that you tell your stories of the adventures you've had and the things you've seen." Her eyes squeezed shut tightly in pain and she pulled her chin from out of his grasp, taking a single step back away from him. "I know because I saw it in my husband right before he left me."

"Sarah," Silver spoke softly, taking a single step forward though stopping when she retreated from him yet again. His eyes narrowed a bit, remembering the time when he had reached out his hand towards her and she had drawn away for fear of being struck. Oh, how his very soul still boiled with anger at Leland Hawkins for ever so much as laying a finger upon her. "Sarah, what's the matter, love?"

She clapped her hands firmly to her ears like a stubborn child, shaking her head as he saw teardrops begin to fall down her face. "Don't…don't call me that. Oh, why do you have to make this harder than it already is?"

Again he tried to step towards her, holding out his hand reassuringly. "Sarah, please, just tell me--."

"No," she whispered in a pained voice, holding out her hand to stop his approach as tears filled her eyes. She couldn't handle the feeling of his gentle touch, knowing that it might possibly be the last time she ever felt it. She couldn't look upon him and see that loving gaze and know that one day it would be gone. Her heart ached with pain as she sobbed quietly, tears falling down her cheeks. "No…Silver, you don't understand." Her whole body trembled as she shook her head, biting down hard on her bottom lip to try and keep her sobs under control. "Silver…oh, by the Fates…I love you! I love you! Don't you understand that? I love you and the thought of you leaving me alone is…it kills me! I love you more than I have ever loved anyone else in my entire life and the thought of you returning to space…" Her words faded away into a quiet sob and she lowered her head down into her hands, her entire body shaking at the magnitude of her confession.

Silver regarded her with wide eyes. She loved him? She…loved…him? His mind raced, unable to comprehend everything that she had said all at one time. She loved him and was afraid of his leaving her to once more return out to space… She loved him!

"I'm sorry," she whispered pitifully, wrapping her arms tightly about her again as she brought her tears under control. She risked a short glance up at him and saw a kind of shock written across his face and she shook her head, looking away again as she continued on quietly. "I'm sorry…I didn't want to tell you like this but... Oh, I'm sorry. I understand your passion for your freedom and all that space has to offer. This is where you belong…out here where you're free. Not trapped in a small inn." She sighed quietly, quickly wiping away the tears that continued to fall down her cheeks as she lowered her gaze once more to the deck at her feet.

Silver shook his head, dumbfounded and not entirely certain what to say. He spread his large hands as he grasped for words that simply wouldn't come to him. "Sarah, I didn't know… I mean, I never thought that…"

Sarah gave a very small, pained smile, knowing that he only stumbled over his words in such a way when he was flustered or nervous. It was one of his many qualities she couldn't help but find endearing. She bowed her head and her voice was soft and sincere as she spoke. "I love you, John Silver. You're the one that I go to bed thinking about at night. It's your face I see in my most pleasant of dreams. In the morning it's you that I wake up for and sometimes I simply can't wait to share my day with you. At times you're the only thing that keeps me going. I love you so much that sometimes it hurts to even think about. At one time I thought such love was impossible…but now I know better. From the very moment that I met you I think I was in love with you…but…well, I know that you love space even more…and I love you too much to see you trapped. I want you to be where you're happy." She drew in a soft breath and sighed, finally turning her eyes upward to meet his own and seeing the surprise still written across his face. Her lips pursed tightly together as another tear trailed its way down her cheek and she opened her mouth as though to say more, but then with a slight shake of her head and a sniff she turned on her heel to walk off…but the sound of his soft voice stopped her.

"Sarah Hawkins… I love ye. Ye're the one that I go to bed thinking about at night. It's yer face I see in my most pleasant of dreams. In the mornin' it's ye that I wake up for and sometimes I simply can't wait to share my day with ye."

The young woman drew in a short, trembling breath as she heard him steadily approaching behind her.

"Yer beauty is unmatched by any other. Why, yer very presence intoxicates me like the strongest rum and sometimes when I'm with ye I can barely even think, so overcome am I by everything that ye are. Yer an amazing woman, Sarah Hawkins. Charmin', smart, gentle. Ye've overcome obstacles that would have brought most women down and have risen only the stronger for them."

She felt her breath catch in her throat as she felt two strong, masculine arms wrap slowly about her small waist, pulling her firmly against a warm chest as again his lips moved to rest right at her ear.

"Never before have I ever loved a woman the way I love ye, Sarah. I know that from the very moment that I met ye I was in love. The feeling of holding ye only causes me more pain as I am only left wanting more. I want to know ye, love. Everything about ye. I want to be the one that's there to dry away yer tears when yer sad. I want to share in the times when yer happy. I want to be the one to watch over ye and soothe away those nightmares that come to haunt." Gently he took her by the shoulders and turned her around so he could look down into her upturned face. The sight of her large, tearful eyes looking up into his own caused his heart to skip a beat.

He reached down slowly, almost as though afraid she might pull away, and took her hand in his cyborg palm, bringing it up so that he clasped it over his throbbing heart. "Can ye feel my heart beatin', Sarah? My pulse races whenever I'm near ye. Can ye feel what ye do to me?" He brought their hands away for a moment and looked at them, entwined within one another. "Look, Sarah…ye're the first woman to accept me. Ye don't look upon me with fear and loathing. Ye look past this old cyborg machinery and see the man that exists within." With his human hand he reached up and brushed away her falling tears with the pad of his thumb, looking down tenderly upon her. "No more tears now, love. This is what I have been wantin' to tell ye all night. I love ye, Sarah Hawkins."

Sarah sniffed quietly, trying to hold back a terrible rush of tears at his passionate confession as she shook her head. "Silver, please don't do this," she whispered softly in a genuine plea as she held tighter to his metal hand. "Please don't make this so hard for me. I can't ask you to stay with me. I want you to be where you belong. I want you to be happy."

Silver smiled gently and reached his human hand upward to frame the side of her face in his massive palm, turning her head just a bit to look up to him as he smiled with deep love in his eyes. "Sarah…don't ye see, lass? This is where I belong. Here…with ye. Leave ye? Love, why would I ever do such a foolish thing? To separate a man from his heart is to ultimately kill him. My love for space? My darling Sarah…tis but a passin' obsession next to my love for ye."

She trembled a bit under the weight of his words, her eyes widening at the deep gaze which he locked upon her. A single tear trailed down her face as she raised her free hand to lay over his own where it rested against her face.

"You'll never leave?"

"I would rather die than to be parted from yer side for a single day, love."

"But, space is your--."

"I'll never leave behind space. Don't ye see, Sarah? There are so many things I want to show ye…so many places I want ye to see. I want ye to be sailing right there alongside of me. I want ye to be able to experience space's beauty with me."

Sarah couldn't help but give a small smile at that, his words sounding like an excited young boy that wanted to show off a new model rocket. "But, what about the inn? Someone has to run it."

"Ye know ye've been trainin' that Catherine girl to eventually take over, lass. Tis time ye had a break and allowed yerself to be free." He dipped his head towards her, again giving that roguish smile that always made her heart flutter. "Besides…ye can't expect us to have our honeymoon on Montressor, now can ye?"

Sarah's eyes widened and her mouth dropped open in shock. "H-honeymoon?"

The old cyborg's smile softened as he looked gently down upon her. "Aye…will ye have me, lass?"

For a moment there was a long pause as Sarah tried to take in his words, but finally she could not help but throw her head back with a happy laugh before launching herself into the cyborg's strong arms. "Yes! Oh, yes, by the Fates, of course I will!"

Silver could not help but join in her laughter as well as he picked her up about the waist and twirled her about on her feet, feeling his spirits soar at her response. Silently he made a mental note to thank Jim for forcing him into this whole night.

Sarah sighed soft and held tightly to her love for a moment before pulling back just enough to look up into his eyes as she whispered softly, "I love you, John Silver."

The man's heart filled with love, knowing he would never tire of hearing those words being said. He looked down into her beautiful eyes, feeling his heart pounding again inside of him with the intense emotions he felt. Bringing her hand back to rest against his chest, he slowly leaned his head forward and pressed a firm, loving kiss against her awaiting lips.

"I love you too, Sarah Hawkins."

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Author's Note: Well, it's finally finished. Thank you so much to everyone who responded to this story. Hah, I didn't know there were so many Sarah/Silver fans out there! Rock on! I'll be adding a reviewer replies page to this tomorrow with my responses. Oh…I need to update those on "Undelivered Letters" too, don't I? I'll get to that, I promise.

Happy Valentine's Day everyone!