-- CHAPTER TWELVE: I loathe thee, yet I love thee --
Disclaimers: Refer to Chapter One: Breathe
Author's Note: Moving right along, this is just a short chapter. But I hope that you like it.
~*~
- SARA'S POV -
I studied her face, sitting by Jessie as she slept. I didn't want to cry. I had to be strong, but deep down I was so full of anger, pain, and resentment. Oh, I resented everything. I felt the injustice of losing a young child, and for one of the rarest moments in my life, I didn't know what to do. For hours, I continued to stare at her pale face, with her lips drained of color, her dark hair resting on the soft pillow and with a thick wool blanket wrapped around her fragile body. I held on to her tiny hand, hoping that somehow my warmth could transfer to her frigid fingers.
I've already asked myself, many times before, 'why?'
'Why you?'
'Why was this happening?'
I felt so helpless, so overwhelmed with emotion: afraid and frustrated. But to top that list, I was bitter. I wasn't ready to let my daughter go. I wasn't ready. Staring at her, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry, but now, the tears I had fought so hard to suppress now journeyed down the contours of my restless face.
"You're so young," I all by whispered, brushing a stray hair away from Jessie's face. In silence, my mind continued to ask itself many unanswered questions, all the while my heart pounded bitterly against her chest. With each breath I drew air in desperation, gasping between audible sobs, "life has been so unfair to you."
I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders, and for a brief moment, I felt lighter -- more liberated.
"Nick, I don't want her to go," I spoke. Timidly, I looked up at him and realized the pained expression that he wore on his face. 'I never see your face anymore,' I thought. It was true, I seldom saw his face; but I knew that his eyes always told a story, but at this moment, they were startlingly empty. I got up to look deeper into his eyes, my own eyes already filled with tears. "I feel so cheated," I cried.
"Mommy?" Jessie whispered. "Don't cry."
I turned to look at her, staring deep into her green eyes, and soon, my tears fell more heavily. I sat back down on the chair and began, "Jessie I want you to know something, and it's important that you know." I cupped her cold face while I paused. "I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And I know that I haven't been there for you lately, but you are my baby girl," I said. I stared at her, before pulling her into a tight bug, never wanting to let her go.
"I love you too, mommy," the little girl replied. "I know that you and daddy love me very much."
~*~
- NICK'S POV -
I felt so guilty, standing in this room; maybe it was the moment, or maybe it was just seeing Jessie courageously face us. So strong at such a young age, that, I know is all because of Sara. Jessie took on the little quirky traits that Sara did; from the way they eat lasagna layer by layer to how Jessie always enjoyed playing with the little make-up that Sara had. And in the times I didn't get to spend time with them, I wonder what other habits Jessie had picked up.
"Daddy?" Jessie asked.
I looked up to meet her gaze, she beckoned me to draw closer to her.
"I know you love me too," she whispered in my ear and smiled.
I could do nothing else but look at her as I felt the force of a unimaginable weight drop upon my body, rendering me immobile momentarily.
"I do, I love you so much," I reassure her, and wrapped my arms around her body, "I love you so much. You can't even imagine."
"Daddy, don't cry." She paused, and I broke our warm embrace. "Can you help me with this?"
This being the necklace she wore around her neck, the thin chain was adorned with a simple ring, the ring I had given her a not so long ago. I carefully took off the necklace and placed it in her hands. I then watched her as she took the ring out of the chain's binding and handed it to me.
"Here, why don't you hold on to this for me?" She smiled.
That was all it took, and soon the floodgates broke. I cried. "Thank you," I whispered.
She just looked at me and brushed tears away from my cheeks, as I held her in my arms, and struggled to let her go, never wanting her to leave.
Tired, she leaned back against the bed and stared at Sara and me while she drifted off to sleep. As I sat by her side, I remembered how peaceful she looked when she slept, not a care in the world, especially during the many nights that Sara and I would just sit side-by-side by her door to watch her sleep.
Sara, my wife. I then turned by attention to Sara while she buried her face between her palms and on the edge of the bed, also out like a light. Together, mother and child; I watched them sleep. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Watching this silent and fleeting moment fueled the overwhelming emotions at the pit of my stomach; my heart was so constricted with guilt and bitterness. Collectively, my heart and head competed to pound louder as I continued to think things through; and so, I decided to leave the room.
~*~
I sat on a bench just outside Jessie's room, massaging my temple with my left hand, while my other hand gripped the ring that Jessie handed me. I closed my eyes in a dire attempt to soothe the cluster of emotions that I kept bottled up; I can feel the skin around my face tighten as I struggled to sort through my thoughts, all the things I had to make right and the thoughts of Sara and Jessie all concurrently vying for attention.
'What am I going to do?' I questioned myself.
'You know what you need to do,' my deeper conscious commented.
I sighed deeply and lowered my hands in front of me to stretch, in doing so, I paused to look at the gold wedding band that I wore.
- FLASHBACK -
"I, Nicholas Stokes, take you, Sara Sidle, to be my wife and my one true love. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you faithfully and to cherish, to laugh with you and to cry with you, till death do us part. Come what may, I will always be there for you."
"I, Sara Sidle, take you, Nicholas Stokes, to be my husband and my one true love. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you faithfully and to cherish you, to laugh with you and to cry with you, till death do us part. Come what may, I will always be there for you."
The vows brought the crowd to an emotional high, Sara in particular, who was shaking nervously, with droplets of tears descending her cheeks. Nick wiped a tear from her cheek as they, in unison, commenced to say their closing vow.
"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you. Together, we will go forward and together we shall face life. To guide each other, to support each other, and to have trust and faith in the vows we take, and our love for each other."
- END FLASHBACK -
'To love you faithfully and to cherish … to have trust and faith in the vows we take, and our love for each other,' my mind recapped.
"Hey!" she greeted. I looked up to see a redhead, handing me a cup of coffee. "How is she?" She asked.
I shook my head, "it doesn't look good," I mumbled. She sat beside me while I leaned back against the bench. "Mia, you shouldn't be here," I uttered.
"I know. But I wanted to know how everything was going," she answered, massaging the back of my neck with her right hand.
"Mia, stop. We need to talk," I said, turning my body to face her.
"I wanted to talk to you too," she said.
"Can I go first?" I appealed. "Listen, you have been such a great pillar of support, and I want to thank you for the companionship-"
"But, you have Sara, and you still love her," she added.
I swallowed hard, knowing that it must have taken a lot for her to say those words. "Please believe me when I say that I do care for you; but I took such a difficult road. You weren't, by any means, a cheap thrill; you're someone who helped me through my darkest days."
"This would have never worked out," she admitted. "And I guess that although it felt right at the time, we both just needed someone. And I guess I also what to thank you for helping me through my dark days."
"No, I feel horrible. Despite the timing, I was lonely, my marriage was falling apart, and you were the new girl in town that needed a friend--"
"Nicky, it's okay. Really, I'm okay," she said. "No explanation need. My parents split up when I was young and it devastated my family. You don't deserve that – Sara doesn't deserve that," she didn't look directly at me. "I can tell that this is the end of the line, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't break this off sooner."
"It wasn't just you, it takes two people to have an affair," I half-joked, attempting to lighten the mood.
"I'm leaving next week, I accepted a teaching position," Mia explained. "Aloha, Hawaii," she smirked.
I stopped to process her words, shocked at her sudden decision, "you're not moving because of me, are you?" I asked rather surprised.
"No, I've always wanted to teach, less hours, better pay and great surfing conditions," she replied.
"Are you sure?" I queried and studied her face, the face that bore sincerity. I continued, " Well then, I guess you better pack your surf board. Congratulations!" I grinned – surprised in fact, but thrilled. "Again, I'm sorry -- about everything," I apologized sincerely, taking her hand in mine.
"Nick, it's okay," she said. "Listen, I should get back to the lab." She moved closer to me, so close that I could smell her peach perfume, and she gave me a gentle peck on the cheek. "Take care, cowboy," she whispered.
Startled by the door closing, I looked up to see Sara standing my the door, eyes staring at us with burning anger and disbelief.
"Sara-" I began, while I walked closer to her. I could tell that she was about to do something, and at this time of the night, along with our strained nerves, that was something that I didn't want. Sara Sidle can make a scene.
"I can't believe you brought her here!" She screamed, her face bearing more pain than anger. "Get out!" She ordered, motioning us down the hall. Around us, curious onlookers started to stare.
"Sara, stop. I can explain," I continued.
"And you," Sara pointed at Mia. "You've got guts coming here. Isn't taking my husband enough? What, what else to do want to take?"
"Sara, calm down," I pleaded.
"I should go," I heard Mia whisper. I looked at her and she nodded, taking that this was her cue to leave. "Bye, Nick."
"Get out -- both of you," Sara continued to scream. She pushed me, pounding sternly against my chest with her strong hands. "God, I hate you," she sobbed through gritted teeth, "you son of a bitch!"
I fought had to calm her raging fists, pounding steadily against me, inflicting on me much pain; and as I tried to calm her, I realized that this was something I deserved.
"I hate you," she repeated, more in a whisper. She finally lightened her attack as she broke down in tears.
"Sara, I'm sorry," I muttered, also in tears.
"Nick, she's dying. Our baby's dying," she wept.
All I could do now was hold her, I felt so helpless - so empty - so cold.
TBC
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*
A/N - Feel something? Anything? Any opinions? Please review. *smile* – oceanwave
Disclaimers: Refer to Chapter One: Breathe
Author's Note: Moving right along, this is just a short chapter. But I hope that you like it.
~*~
- SARA'S POV -
I studied her face, sitting by Jessie as she slept. I didn't want to cry. I had to be strong, but deep down I was so full of anger, pain, and resentment. Oh, I resented everything. I felt the injustice of losing a young child, and for one of the rarest moments in my life, I didn't know what to do. For hours, I continued to stare at her pale face, with her lips drained of color, her dark hair resting on the soft pillow and with a thick wool blanket wrapped around her fragile body. I held on to her tiny hand, hoping that somehow my warmth could transfer to her frigid fingers.
I've already asked myself, many times before, 'why?'
'Why you?'
'Why was this happening?'
I felt so helpless, so overwhelmed with emotion: afraid and frustrated. But to top that list, I was bitter. I wasn't ready to let my daughter go. I wasn't ready. Staring at her, I promised myself that I wouldn't cry, but now, the tears I had fought so hard to suppress now journeyed down the contours of my restless face.
"You're so young," I all by whispered, brushing a stray hair away from Jessie's face. In silence, my mind continued to ask itself many unanswered questions, all the while my heart pounded bitterly against her chest. With each breath I drew air in desperation, gasping between audible sobs, "life has been so unfair to you."
I felt his arm wrap around my shoulders, and for a brief moment, I felt lighter -- more liberated.
"Nick, I don't want her to go," I spoke. Timidly, I looked up at him and realized the pained expression that he wore on his face. 'I never see your face anymore,' I thought. It was true, I seldom saw his face; but I knew that his eyes always told a story, but at this moment, they were startlingly empty. I got up to look deeper into his eyes, my own eyes already filled with tears. "I feel so cheated," I cried.
"Mommy?" Jessie whispered. "Don't cry."
I turned to look at her, staring deep into her green eyes, and soon, my tears fell more heavily. I sat back down on the chair and began, "Jessie I want you to know something, and it's important that you know." I cupped her cold face while I paused. "I want you to know that I love you very, very much. And I know that I haven't been there for you lately, but you are my baby girl," I said. I stared at her, before pulling her into a tight bug, never wanting to let her go.
"I love you too, mommy," the little girl replied. "I know that you and daddy love me very much."
~*~
- NICK'S POV -
I felt so guilty, standing in this room; maybe it was the moment, or maybe it was just seeing Jessie courageously face us. So strong at such a young age, that, I know is all because of Sara. Jessie took on the little quirky traits that Sara did; from the way they eat lasagna layer by layer to how Jessie always enjoyed playing with the little make-up that Sara had. And in the times I didn't get to spend time with them, I wonder what other habits Jessie had picked up.
"Daddy?" Jessie asked.
I looked up to meet her gaze, she beckoned me to draw closer to her.
"I know you love me too," she whispered in my ear and smiled.
I could do nothing else but look at her as I felt the force of a unimaginable weight drop upon my body, rendering me immobile momentarily.
"I do, I love you so much," I reassure her, and wrapped my arms around her body, "I love you so much. You can't even imagine."
"Daddy, don't cry." She paused, and I broke our warm embrace. "Can you help me with this?"
This being the necklace she wore around her neck, the thin chain was adorned with a simple ring, the ring I had given her a not so long ago. I carefully took off the necklace and placed it in her hands. I then watched her as she took the ring out of the chain's binding and handed it to me.
"Here, why don't you hold on to this for me?" She smiled.
That was all it took, and soon the floodgates broke. I cried. "Thank you," I whispered.
She just looked at me and brushed tears away from my cheeks, as I held her in my arms, and struggled to let her go, never wanting her to leave.
Tired, she leaned back against the bed and stared at Sara and me while she drifted off to sleep. As I sat by her side, I remembered how peaceful she looked when she slept, not a care in the world, especially during the many nights that Sara and I would just sit side-by-side by her door to watch her sleep.
Sara, my wife. I then turned by attention to Sara while she buried her face between her palms and on the edge of the bed, also out like a light. Together, mother and child; I watched them sleep. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
Watching this silent and fleeting moment fueled the overwhelming emotions at the pit of my stomach; my heart was so constricted with guilt and bitterness. Collectively, my heart and head competed to pound louder as I continued to think things through; and so, I decided to leave the room.
~*~
I sat on a bench just outside Jessie's room, massaging my temple with my left hand, while my other hand gripped the ring that Jessie handed me. I closed my eyes in a dire attempt to soothe the cluster of emotions that I kept bottled up; I can feel the skin around my face tighten as I struggled to sort through my thoughts, all the things I had to make right and the thoughts of Sara and Jessie all concurrently vying for attention.
'What am I going to do?' I questioned myself.
'You know what you need to do,' my deeper conscious commented.
I sighed deeply and lowered my hands in front of me to stretch, in doing so, I paused to look at the gold wedding band that I wore.
- FLASHBACK -
"I, Nicholas Stokes, take you, Sara Sidle, to be my wife and my one true love. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you faithfully and to cherish, to laugh with you and to cry with you, till death do us part. Come what may, I will always be there for you."
"I, Sara Sidle, take you, Nicholas Stokes, to be my husband and my one true love. To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love you faithfully and to cherish you, to laugh with you and to cry with you, till death do us part. Come what may, I will always be there for you."
The vows brought the crowd to an emotional high, Sara in particular, who was shaking nervously, with droplets of tears descending her cheeks. Nick wiped a tear from her cheek as they, in unison, commenced to say their closing vow.
"Entreat me not to leave you, or to return from following after you. Together, we will go forward and together we shall face life. To guide each other, to support each other, and to have trust and faith in the vows we take, and our love for each other."
- END FLASHBACK -
'To love you faithfully and to cherish … to have trust and faith in the vows we take, and our love for each other,' my mind recapped.
"Hey!" she greeted. I looked up to see a redhead, handing me a cup of coffee. "How is she?" She asked.
I shook my head, "it doesn't look good," I mumbled. She sat beside me while I leaned back against the bench. "Mia, you shouldn't be here," I uttered.
"I know. But I wanted to know how everything was going," she answered, massaging the back of my neck with her right hand.
"Mia, stop. We need to talk," I said, turning my body to face her.
"I wanted to talk to you too," she said.
"Can I go first?" I appealed. "Listen, you have been such a great pillar of support, and I want to thank you for the companionship-"
"But, you have Sara, and you still love her," she added.
I swallowed hard, knowing that it must have taken a lot for her to say those words. "Please believe me when I say that I do care for you; but I took such a difficult road. You weren't, by any means, a cheap thrill; you're someone who helped me through my darkest days."
"This would have never worked out," she admitted. "And I guess that although it felt right at the time, we both just needed someone. And I guess I also what to thank you for helping me through my dark days."
"No, I feel horrible. Despite the timing, I was lonely, my marriage was falling apart, and you were the new girl in town that needed a friend--"
"Nicky, it's okay. Really, I'm okay," she said. "No explanation need. My parents split up when I was young and it devastated my family. You don't deserve that – Sara doesn't deserve that," she didn't look directly at me. "I can tell that this is the end of the line, and I wanted to tell you how sorry I am that I didn't break this off sooner."
"It wasn't just you, it takes two people to have an affair," I half-joked, attempting to lighten the mood.
"I'm leaving next week, I accepted a teaching position," Mia explained. "Aloha, Hawaii," she smirked.
I stopped to process her words, shocked at her sudden decision, "you're not moving because of me, are you?" I asked rather surprised.
"No, I've always wanted to teach, less hours, better pay and great surfing conditions," she replied.
"Are you sure?" I queried and studied her face, the face that bore sincerity. I continued, " Well then, I guess you better pack your surf board. Congratulations!" I grinned – surprised in fact, but thrilled. "Again, I'm sorry -- about everything," I apologized sincerely, taking her hand in mine.
"Nick, it's okay," she said. "Listen, I should get back to the lab." She moved closer to me, so close that I could smell her peach perfume, and she gave me a gentle peck on the cheek. "Take care, cowboy," she whispered.
Startled by the door closing, I looked up to see Sara standing my the door, eyes staring at us with burning anger and disbelief.
"Sara-" I began, while I walked closer to her. I could tell that she was about to do something, and at this time of the night, along with our strained nerves, that was something that I didn't want. Sara Sidle can make a scene.
"I can't believe you brought her here!" She screamed, her face bearing more pain than anger. "Get out!" She ordered, motioning us down the hall. Around us, curious onlookers started to stare.
"Sara, stop. I can explain," I continued.
"And you," Sara pointed at Mia. "You've got guts coming here. Isn't taking my husband enough? What, what else to do want to take?"
"Sara, calm down," I pleaded.
"I should go," I heard Mia whisper. I looked at her and she nodded, taking that this was her cue to leave. "Bye, Nick."
"Get out -- both of you," Sara continued to scream. She pushed me, pounding sternly against my chest with her strong hands. "God, I hate you," she sobbed through gritted teeth, "you son of a bitch!"
I fought had to calm her raging fists, pounding steadily against me, inflicting on me much pain; and as I tried to calm her, I realized that this was something I deserved.
"I hate you," she repeated, more in a whisper. She finally lightened her attack as she broke down in tears.
"Sara, I'm sorry," I muttered, also in tears.
"Nick, she's dying. Our baby's dying," she wept.
All I could do now was hold her, I felt so helpless - so empty - so cold.
TBC
*--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------*
A/N - Feel something? Anything? Any opinions? Please review. *smile* – oceanwave
