Well, here is part number 2! Things are still being told from Crawford's
point of view. Hope you enjoy this part, it got me a little sniffly writing
it. ^_^
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I remember the first time I was able to see you after I'd brought you in. I think you hated me. Even though I had told you what to expect, you hadn't listened to me. I think that should have been my first sign that you wouldn't be easy to tame. Regardless, you forgave me after your initial tirade, remembering what I had told you about my team. The school had decided to rush you in your training, mostly due to my pulling strings. The staff was on orders to train you well, and to not subject you to the usual fun and games of the school. I never told you that, but I think you realized. You were different, you were special. All around you, you watched everyone else being treated differently. You never said anything to me about it, and I never said anything to you. Your training progressed well throughout the two years you were there, graduating quicker than anyone ever had before. I knew you were powerful, but I had really never had an inkling of how powerful you would be. The headmaster wanted me to leave you at the school, to train others. Estet thought that perhaps you ought to have your own field team, such was your power. But I thought differently. As much as you fought all authority figures around you, as much as you fought to have freedom and independence, I knew you never wanted to be first in line. As much as you hated answering to anyone, you hated the idea of having to command others even more. Which is why we fit together so well. I knew how to deal with you, and knew to treat you like enough of an equal to make you happy. You never pushed my limits, at least not that often. But you always knew when to back down, and when to let things go. Sometimes. Okay, so you actually were quite an ass, now that I think about it. But you were smart enough to know when to back off, and knew how long you should wait before pushing me again.
I was able to convince Estet that you were an integral part of my team, and that together, our powers combined would prove our team's worth. They agreed, and allowed me to keep you. We had the luxury of training alone for the first two years, honing our skills as a pair. I think that's when you were happiest, when it was only the two of us, before things got too serious. Rosenkreuz had trained you in your psi skills, and now it had been my turn to train you in everything else. You picked up everything quickly, and after only four months, it had been time for our first assignment. We were assigned to Takatori Reigi, and remained with him for the next year. I knew you despised him from the moment you met him, but you never did tell me why. I did find out, though. I really wish you had told me about him, instead of hiding it from me. I had never thought twice about his asking for you to accompany him those nights, since I'd had work to do elsewhere. Here I had thought he understood how powerful you were, I thought he had only wanted your protection. Little did I know you were the one in need of protection.
I didn't find out until after he'd died, otherwise he would have met his end long before. I'm glad you weren't around that night, when I'd made that discovery. I'd had a hard enough time as it was dealing with my emotions, the last thing I would have needed would have been to look into your eyes, and see all the pain he must have caused you. I'm sorry. If only I had known, if only I had seen it. Would I really have prevented it, though? After all, if you hadn't been violated at his hands, would you have turned out the same? I think that was an integral part of your shift from passer- by to full blown assassin. Did you picture his face over the faces of all your targets? That seems like something you would have done. I wish it hadn't been necessary. But everyone has to grow up someway.
Regardless, I'm still surprised at how well you hid it from me. Every time when you would come back, late at night, after being with him, you would slide into my bed. I apologize for those times when I turned you away. I never knew what it was you were actually after, so can you really fault me? Listen to me, still making excuses. Here you are, the one who has suffered so much pain, and then there is me, unwilling to take any of the blame.
Every time I ever touched you, did it make you think of him? Or were you able to rise above everything? Was it just another part of the job to you? Was I another part of the job to you? Sometimes, I think that's all I really ever was. You only ever acted the way you did because you thought it's what you were supposed to do. Was that it? That also seems like something you would do.
I miss those days. Coming back to the apartment after long, tedious hours spent following him around during the day, only to fall down together on my bed, joking about our boss. Joking about our lives. I miss that. I don't joke much anymore. That ability left with you. It had been waning over the years anyhow, just like we had been waning over the years. Sometimes I wish it could have stayed just the two of us. Would we have made it, together, as mere puppets to the organization? Would that have been enough for us? Just to exist together? Sometimes I think it might have. But maybe I'm biased, since you're no longer around. I've learned how much you meant to me. How much just being there meant to me. Even without speaking, your mere presence lifted me up. But you knew that. You might say otherwise now, but I know you understood that back then. You must have seen the way your smile reflected in my eyes all those times, the numerous times you would chastise me for being so uptight, and I would just nod, and you would smile. I would kill to see your smile in front of me right now. I need it.
Well, that was quite the side track. I'm sure you don't really mind, or do you? Here I keep telling myself how much you're going to appreciate this, how much you're going to appreciate being right. But what if I'm wrong? The fact still remains that we were happy back then, when it was only us. Once we picked up Farfarello, even, it wasn't so bad. A little more trying, having to keep up with him. But we made do. It wasn't so bad. The two of you made a good team. But it gave me more of a chance to sit back and become the leader, while the two of you did the dirty work. I know he enjoyed it, but did you? I have a feeling you did, I saw the amusement in your eyes every time you came back. You were changing. Whether it was due to spending more time with Farfarello, or spending less time with me, though, I'm not sure. I'm sorry about that, though. I hadn't really intended for it to become so much of a change. I hadn't meant for you to change. But maybe it wasn't you. Was it me? Was I the one who changed? I know that's what you thought, or at least what you told me. But what if you were right? What if I was the one who caused our downfall? Could you forgive me? I honestly didn't mean to. I didn't foresee that happening. I didn't foresee a lot of things happening. Now I find myself wishing I had. I really didn't want to lose you like that. But now I'm determined to get you back. I told you back then, that you would never be alone. I think what I had really meant was that I was the one who didn't want to be alone. But now, that's exactly what I am. I want you back. I need you back. What startling revelations we make with the aid of a pen and paper.
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I remember the first time I was able to see you after I'd brought you in. I think you hated me. Even though I had told you what to expect, you hadn't listened to me. I think that should have been my first sign that you wouldn't be easy to tame. Regardless, you forgave me after your initial tirade, remembering what I had told you about my team. The school had decided to rush you in your training, mostly due to my pulling strings. The staff was on orders to train you well, and to not subject you to the usual fun and games of the school. I never told you that, but I think you realized. You were different, you were special. All around you, you watched everyone else being treated differently. You never said anything to me about it, and I never said anything to you. Your training progressed well throughout the two years you were there, graduating quicker than anyone ever had before. I knew you were powerful, but I had really never had an inkling of how powerful you would be. The headmaster wanted me to leave you at the school, to train others. Estet thought that perhaps you ought to have your own field team, such was your power. But I thought differently. As much as you fought all authority figures around you, as much as you fought to have freedom and independence, I knew you never wanted to be first in line. As much as you hated answering to anyone, you hated the idea of having to command others even more. Which is why we fit together so well. I knew how to deal with you, and knew to treat you like enough of an equal to make you happy. You never pushed my limits, at least not that often. But you always knew when to back down, and when to let things go. Sometimes. Okay, so you actually were quite an ass, now that I think about it. But you were smart enough to know when to back off, and knew how long you should wait before pushing me again.
I was able to convince Estet that you were an integral part of my team, and that together, our powers combined would prove our team's worth. They agreed, and allowed me to keep you. We had the luxury of training alone for the first two years, honing our skills as a pair. I think that's when you were happiest, when it was only the two of us, before things got too serious. Rosenkreuz had trained you in your psi skills, and now it had been my turn to train you in everything else. You picked up everything quickly, and after only four months, it had been time for our first assignment. We were assigned to Takatori Reigi, and remained with him for the next year. I knew you despised him from the moment you met him, but you never did tell me why. I did find out, though. I really wish you had told me about him, instead of hiding it from me. I had never thought twice about his asking for you to accompany him those nights, since I'd had work to do elsewhere. Here I had thought he understood how powerful you were, I thought he had only wanted your protection. Little did I know you were the one in need of protection.
I didn't find out until after he'd died, otherwise he would have met his end long before. I'm glad you weren't around that night, when I'd made that discovery. I'd had a hard enough time as it was dealing with my emotions, the last thing I would have needed would have been to look into your eyes, and see all the pain he must have caused you. I'm sorry. If only I had known, if only I had seen it. Would I really have prevented it, though? After all, if you hadn't been violated at his hands, would you have turned out the same? I think that was an integral part of your shift from passer- by to full blown assassin. Did you picture his face over the faces of all your targets? That seems like something you would have done. I wish it hadn't been necessary. But everyone has to grow up someway.
Regardless, I'm still surprised at how well you hid it from me. Every time when you would come back, late at night, after being with him, you would slide into my bed. I apologize for those times when I turned you away. I never knew what it was you were actually after, so can you really fault me? Listen to me, still making excuses. Here you are, the one who has suffered so much pain, and then there is me, unwilling to take any of the blame.
Every time I ever touched you, did it make you think of him? Or were you able to rise above everything? Was it just another part of the job to you? Was I another part of the job to you? Sometimes, I think that's all I really ever was. You only ever acted the way you did because you thought it's what you were supposed to do. Was that it? That also seems like something you would do.
I miss those days. Coming back to the apartment after long, tedious hours spent following him around during the day, only to fall down together on my bed, joking about our boss. Joking about our lives. I miss that. I don't joke much anymore. That ability left with you. It had been waning over the years anyhow, just like we had been waning over the years. Sometimes I wish it could have stayed just the two of us. Would we have made it, together, as mere puppets to the organization? Would that have been enough for us? Just to exist together? Sometimes I think it might have. But maybe I'm biased, since you're no longer around. I've learned how much you meant to me. How much just being there meant to me. Even without speaking, your mere presence lifted me up. But you knew that. You might say otherwise now, but I know you understood that back then. You must have seen the way your smile reflected in my eyes all those times, the numerous times you would chastise me for being so uptight, and I would just nod, and you would smile. I would kill to see your smile in front of me right now. I need it.
Well, that was quite the side track. I'm sure you don't really mind, or do you? Here I keep telling myself how much you're going to appreciate this, how much you're going to appreciate being right. But what if I'm wrong? The fact still remains that we were happy back then, when it was only us. Once we picked up Farfarello, even, it wasn't so bad. A little more trying, having to keep up with him. But we made do. It wasn't so bad. The two of you made a good team. But it gave me more of a chance to sit back and become the leader, while the two of you did the dirty work. I know he enjoyed it, but did you? I have a feeling you did, I saw the amusement in your eyes every time you came back. You were changing. Whether it was due to spending more time with Farfarello, or spending less time with me, though, I'm not sure. I'm sorry about that, though. I hadn't really intended for it to become so much of a change. I hadn't meant for you to change. But maybe it wasn't you. Was it me? Was I the one who changed? I know that's what you thought, or at least what you told me. But what if you were right? What if I was the one who caused our downfall? Could you forgive me? I honestly didn't mean to. I didn't foresee that happening. I didn't foresee a lot of things happening. Now I find myself wishing I had. I really didn't want to lose you like that. But now I'm determined to get you back. I told you back then, that you would never be alone. I think what I had really meant was that I was the one who didn't want to be alone. But now, that's exactly what I am. I want you back. I need you back. What startling revelations we make with the aid of a pen and paper.
