Where the Grass is Greener
Chapter Fourteen
Sara and Warrick sat together at the table, looking at the first picture of their baby. It was from the sonogram a few weeks before. Sara wiped the tears from her cheeks, and Warrick held her closer, trying to silently reassure her that everything was going to be okay.
Sara had a miscarriage a few days before, and she was devastated. She took one trip to the bathroom, and when she turned to flush the toilet, she saw blood. Her miscarriage had been painless; at least physically painless, but the emotional pain was overwhelming. It was the finality of it that made her heart ache. After she lost the baby, her abdomen seem to have deflated somehow…losing its bloated look from a progression of two months.
Warrick was still in shock. When she told him what happened, he placed his hand on her abdomen, to feel if there was even a remnant of what was once there. There wasn't.
Sara's first impulse was to run away, but she knew she couldn't leave Warrick. She didn't want to. They had to work through their sadness together. She couldn't keep running away, or threatening to do so every time things got tough. She loved Warrick too much. Together, they grieved. Sara held Warrick tight as she fought to keep her tears from flowing, but it was in vain, and she only cried harder. The doctor told them that she could still get pregnant and have healthy children, but it didn't ease the pain and barrenness she felt from losing a first child.
"I'm so sorry," Sara whispered. "I'm sorry. I know how much you wanted the baby."
"Sara, it wasn't your fault," Warrick said. "It just happened."
Sara buried her face in his neck as she cried. She didn't know how long she would be saddened by the loss of her first child.
They held off on sending the invitations for the wedding, cancelled deadlines for the dresses and tuxes, and cancelled their reservation at the reception hall. Everyone supported the couple through their tough time.
Sara had never been so happy and anxious about something so little in her life. The feeling of being an expectant mother was overwhelming. She was even beginning to glow. It felt and looked real, and it was tangible; a reasonable yearning in her life. Now, it was gone as quickly as it was received, and the onslaught of fresh pain and guilt burned within her. She did blame herself. She knew it was because of the stress from the wedding. They cancelled at Sara's request. Warrick tried to convince her that it wasn't her fault, and that it wasn't because of planning the wedding, but she didn't want to believe him. She took on the unbearable weight of her guilt by herself, and it felt heavier and heavier the more she thought about what she could have done to preserve their first child's life.
After a while, Sara stopped crying, and she broke from Warrick's hold around her.
"I have to go make some phone calls," Sara said.
***
Warrick did his best to deal. He didn't like to see Sara upset. She began to blame herself for what happened, but he knew that it wasn't her fault. He tried to reassure her of that fact but she kept saying that it was her fault.
At work, people inquired about Sara. He'd told them that she was fine and that she was holding up well, which she was. He was proud of her. Despite the incredible amount of guilt that she felt, she was handling herself well.
It was a big relief to know that they could still have children in the future. It was just the disappointment of losing their first baby that was really getting to them. They had pushed the wedding back so that they could have time to think about things and accept what was going on.
The worst part was that she had gone from one physical extreme to another. When she was pregnant, she had a slight bump in her abdomen, and she had gained close to ten pounds. When she lost the baby, the bump was gone, and she lost the baby weight rather quickly. It was truly a tell-tale sign that the baby ceased to exist. The day she told him, he didn't want to believe it. From what she told him, it was a sudden, painless thing. He was glad that she didn't suffer any pain.
On the way to work, Sara was quiet. She sat on the passenger side and looked out the window. Warrick was a little worried about her, but he didn't want to press her to talk. Actually, the truth was that he didn't much feel like talking either. There was nothing to talk about.
"Babe, are you sure that you're okay to work?" He asked.
She turned to him and a faint smile appeared on her face. "Yeah, I'm fine."
He caressed her cheek and brought her face to his for a light kiss. She put her hand atop of his and she grinned.
"I love you," she whispered. "Thank you for being supportive and loving me back."
"No problem," Warrick said with a smile. "There isn't anything I wouldn't do for you. All I want is to see you happy."
"I am," Sara said then she leaned back over and kissed him. "Now, let's get in there before people think we're fraternizing on company time."
Warrick chuckled.
When they went inside, they went their separated ways. Warrick met Nick in the layout room.
"Hey Nick," he said. "What have you got?"
"I have been sitting here for the last two hours trying to find something and it's not working for me," Nick said. "Anyway, how's Sara? I she here?"
"She's good, she's here right now," Warrick explained. "She went to go pick up some paperwork from Gris."
"Is she still…sad about the baby?"
"Yeah, we both still are," Warrick sighed. "We're slowly moving on. The doctor said that it just happened. Sara doesn't believe it though. She thinks she lost the baby because of planning the wedding."
"Man, I'm sorry," Nick said sympathetically. "I can't even begin to imagine."
Warrick shook his head. "I hope you don't ever have to go through this, man," he ran a hand over his face, the stress evident to Nick. "We try and tell each other that there was nothing we could do about it, but I just can't help thinking that I should've been there for her in some way that day. Or if I could've done something different."
"Like you said," Nick repeated. " It just happened."
"Yeah," Warrick agreed. "But the doctor did say that we could still have kids, and that they would be healthy."
Nick nodded.
Just then, Catherine walked in.
"Hey," she said solemnly.
"Hey," Warrick said as he got up to get the other pictures from the crime scene.
"I just saw Sara in the break room," she said. "Is she going to be okay?"
"Yeah," Warrick said.
Catherine nodded.
***
Sara was filling out some paperwork when she saw Grissom walk in.
"Hi Sara," he said solemnly.
She did not look up from her paperwork. "Hey."
"I heard about what happened," he ventured. "I'm sorry about the baby."
She stopped writing.
"I just wanted to ask you if I had something to do with it."
Sara still did not look up at him. She didn't blame Grissom for the loss of her baby.
"No," she said plaintively before going back to writing down notes. "I'm not blaming anyone, no one was responsible for it," she explained, becoming increasingly agitated. "I just want to be left alone right now. I'm tired of people tiptoeing around me, and whispering behind my back. I'm sick of it. Yeah, I lost the baby, and yes, I'm still upset, and yes I blame myself."
Grissom looked taken aback by her agitation. Sara just sighed and she threw the pen down on the paper.
"I don't know what I want anymore," she admitted. "It seems like every time something good comes along, I manage to fuck it up royally and then a piece of my heart is taken away every time. I'm starting to lose my will to keep going. Sometimes, I just want to go away and leave this all behind. Lose myself…but I can't Grissom. I love Warrick too much. And I love you and the rest of the team like family," she wiped her tears. "You guys are all I've got, and I don't want to leave. It's so hard trying to get through this. Everyday I keep thinking that there was something that I could've done."
Grissom sat down next to her. She buried her face in her hands and cried. She didn't know how to feel anymore. She really didn't know what she wanted anymore. She knew that she had hurt Warrick by losing the baby. He didn't outwardly show it, but she knew he was hurt.
"I need to go home," Sara said. "I just need to be by myself."
Grissom nodded as she got up.
As soon as she got into the apartment, she made a phone call to the airport.
***
Earlier on the shift, Grissom told Warrick that Sara had gone home. He didn't mind that because she still needed some time to deal.
However, the story was much different when Warrick came home.
"Sara?" He called. "Sara? Where are you?"
He began to panic. He looked all over the apartment for her. Nothing. He sat down on the couch, trying to calm down a bit so that he could concentrate on finding her. He tried to think of several different places she could go. As he thought about it, he noticed a slip of paper on the coffee table. He picked it up and read it. It said:
Warrick,
I'm sorry I left like this, but I need some time to myself, away from Vegas for a while. I love you, but I know I hurt you. Please, don't come after me.
Love,
Sara
Warrick cursed under his breath and he quickly went to go pick up the phone.
"Las Vegas International Airport, how may I help you?" A woman answered.
"Please help me," he said. "Did a woman by the name of Sara Sidle call for a flight?"
"Um, let me check our records sir," she said. "How long ago did she call?"
"I don't know," he said.
"Mm," she mumbled to herself. "Ah, Sara E. Sidle, she called for a morning flight to San Francisco at about two this morning."
"Okay, what flight is she scheduled for?" Warrick asked, hoping that her flight wasn't earlier.
"Um, her flight should be coming in about an hour, but they won't be boarding until half past then," the woman explained. " It's Delta flight 7869 terminal ten. Would you like me to book you an emergency flight?"
"Um no, thanks," Warrick said quickly, then he hung up.
He had to get to the airport before he lost her forever.
He got into his car and then he sped off. He prayed that traffic was going to be light. Sara's flight was coming in an hour, and if he was not there before the plane, he might not have the chance to convince her to stay. Why did she think that she hurt him? She had things all wrong in her head. He had to make her understand that the miscarriage wasn't her fault. He knew it would take time for her to understand that, but they could work it out together. She was doing so well, talking to him, and them holding on to each other for support. Where did things go wrong?
Warrick tried calling her cell phone. She would not answer.
"C'mon Sara," he begged. "Please pick up. I don't want you to go."
So far, traffic was good. He hoped he would get to the airport in plenty of time.
Just when things were looking up, there was a traffic jam along the freeway because of an accident ahead. He cursed under his breath and he tried to get over on the access road where the entrance to the airport was.
He tried to get over to the exit lane, but rude drivers prevented him from doing so for a long while. He realized that he was quickly running out of time, and he wanted to run all of the other people off the road so that he could get to the woman he loved. He decided he would never forgive himself if he let her go. With every minute that passed by, he felt Sara slipping through his hands. Finally, saving grace allowed him to pass into the exit lane and he sped off the freeway, forcing people on the access road to actually yield at the yield sign.
He pulled up to the terminal for the Delta flight. He looked at his watch. The airport was quite busy, and he would have a hard time finding Sara. He spent the whole hour in traffic, and now, he only had thirty minutes to find Sara. There were people everywhere, and he had to go through security before he could enter the flight terminal. It was going to take forever, and his pulse was racing.
***
Sara sat at the terminal, and stared out into the hazy Las Vegas horizon. She sighed. She had grown to like the city, but now, she felt suddenly out of place and too weak for it; for Las Vegas was a city pumping with constant energy. It was the second city that never slept. It was time for her to go home. After three years of living in Las Vegas, she finally had to admit that it was time to go back to the place where her life started; San Francisco.
She sighed and looked around. The airport was busy for a Wednesday morning. There were people rushing to get to their flights, people awaiting friends and loved ones from flights. She witnessed one family reunite from a Southwest flight. She grinned at them, knowing that they would be happy. Sara looked down at her engagement ring. She felt a pang in her heart as she stared at it. She loved Warrick more than anything, but she wasn't right for him. She'd put him through too many things, and she could tell that he was tired of her and hurt.
A tear escaped her eye and ran down her cheek.
"Beautiful ring you've got there," a woman's voice admired.
Sara looked up, wiping her tear. She smiled. "Yeah, thanks."
"Are you married?"
"No, engaged," Sara explained with a smile, but then it quickly faded. "I mean, I was engaged."
"Was?" The woman of about fifty asked. "What happened?"
"A lot of things that shouldn't happen to any couple," Sara sighed. "Or rather, things that shouldn't happen to one man."
"Mm," the woman said. "I'm Tina, by the way."
"Sara."
"So, are you still planning on getting married?" Tina asked.
Sara almost scowled at how intrusive Tina was, but then she decided she was too downtrodden to scowl.
"No, I don't think so," Sara admitted.
"You don't think so?" She asked incredulously. "Either you are or you aren't."
"I don't know," Sara gave up. "I don't know what the hell I'm doing. I don't know what I want, and my fiance is probably torn to pieces right now. I've screwed things up so bad…"
"So, let me guess," Tina started. "You're running away because you think that you're the cause of all of the things that's been going on between you and him, right?"
"No, I'm not running away," Sara said, almost agitated. "I'm just going away for a while, to clear my head."
"And leave your fiance hanging," Tina finished.
Sara sighed and slouched in her seat. Tina, whoever the woman was, was right. Sara was running away. She was making an even bigger mess of her life. Sara didn't know what she wanted to do.
"Delta flight 7869 will now be boarding," a female voice called over the intercom.
"Well, that's us," Tina said.
Sara picked up her bag and got in line to hand in her ticket. It was the beginning of her goodbyes.
