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Disclaimer: I do not own any of the Rumiko Takahashi characters named
here, nor do I own the rights to Charlie's Angels. I do, however, own a
1976 Oldsmobile Delta 88 Royale that's as big as a tank. Santa's using it
for his sleigh this year.
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By the time Sango arrived at the Naraku Hellsent Detective Agency, the others were already waiting impatiently. Not bothering to remove her jacket, Sango threw herself into the nearest chair and slung her feet over the side. She pointedly ignored Myoga's muttered protests about her combat boots scuffing the leather.
Kagura wrinkled her nose at Sango. "You've been hanging out in the bars again," she sniffed. "You reek of cheap cigarettes and beer."
Sango good-naturedly flipped her the bird. "Bet I had a better time than you did," she replied, "or you wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get here. Wasn't rich boy Kuno everything you hoped he would be?"
Kagura ignored her and started drumming her long nails against the end table. "Myoga, when's Naraku going to call?"
Myoga glanced at his watch. "He's in a conference with our client, but he'll be contacting us any minute now. Kagome, if you will just - Kagome? Kagome?"
Sango gently nudged Kagome with her boot. "Hey, space case!"
Kagome snapped out of her daydream. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I was thinking about that formula I've been working on. What did you want?"
"I was just asking you to switch the speaker on so Naraku can hear our conversation when he's finished," Myoga told her. "Now," he continued, "have any of you heard of Vicious Dragon?"
Sango and Kagura gave him blank looks, but Kagome stood up at attention. "You mean the assassin?" she exclaimed. Myoga nodded and continued speaking.
"Our client has come to us with the information that his next target is a big-time counterfeiter who goes by the codename 'Lazy Panda'. Our client wants Vicious Dragon, or 'VD' as he is more commonly known, stopped."
"This sounds like a job for law enforcement," Kagura stated. "Why are we involved?"
"Because," a smooth voice came over the speaker, "our client is none other than the Lazy Panda himself."
"Since when do we work for criminals?" Kagome sputtered.
"When they haven't been convicted yet and they pay us large amounts of cash up front," Naraku replied.
"That explains the Thunder Brothers," Sango grimaced, remembering their last case. "Hey Naraku, maybe you should stop advertising at the local prisons."
"That's where I found you, Sango, and I'll thank you not to forget that. Back to the case: Lazy Panda believes VD will strike at a beauty pageant in Hawaii. Lazy Panda's corporation is one of the primary sponsors, so he will be there as one of the guest judges. VD won't be able to resist striking at a large public gathering; this character seems to get a thrill from an audience."
"Why haven't they been able to catch this assassin yet?" Kagura asked.
"No one knows what VD looks like, not even the people who hire him, and he never kills his target the same way twice. We do know VD is a man because he left a DNA sample behind on his last murder weapon."
Kagome started pacing the room. "We're going to get this slime, Naraku. What's our cover? Is one of us going to pose as a pageant contestant?"
"After that FBI farce at the Miss Universe Pageant in San Antonio, that's the last disguise I'd use. Anyway, this pageant is a little different than most."
The girls looked uncertainly at each other. "So," said Sango, "Just exactly what will we be doing?"
Naraku gave a low chuckle. "Don't worry, Sango, I have the perfect job lined up for you. You will be in charge of operational security for the pageant. All the security assigned will report directly to you. Because of your position, you will be able to keep a close eye on all the contestants and judges." Sango nodded in agreement.
"Kagome," Naraku's voice continued, "You will oversee the technical crew managing communications, including the computer systems. This will allow you to actively monitor all incoming and outgoing communications." Kagome gave a satisfied smile.
"What about me, Naraku?" Kagura interjected.
"Well, Kagura," Naraku hesitated. "We had a little trouble finding a spot for someone with your, shall we say, unique abilities. But we did eventually manage to locate a position that will be perfect for obtaining inside information from the contestants."
"And just what position would that be, Naraku?" Kagura asked suspiciously.
"You will be an au pair to one of the contestants."
"Au pair? Isn't that a BABY SITTER? And isn't it unusual for one of the contestants to have a child?"
"I told you this was no traditional beauty pageant," Naraku explained patiently. "These contestants range in age from 18 to 42, and many are in some kind of relationship. You will be staying in the same residence with a couple and a child. The child's father is one of our primary suspects."
"Naraku, how in the hell am I supposed to do detective work while I'm BABY SITTING?" screeched Kagura. "I don't even LIKE the little ankle biters!"
"I'm sure you'll find a way, my dear Kagura. Now, Myoga will brief you on the suspects and travel plans. Have a pleasant trip, girls. I know you'll come through for me." With that parting statement, the speaker went silent.
*********
I am the luckiest bastard on the planet Earth, Miroku thought joyfully as he danced out of Kaede's office. He had almost kissed his editor's grizzled old face when she handed him the job. Covering a beauty pageant in Hawaii! This made up for all the years he'd spent at the magazine covering boring tycoons and embezzling corporate officers. He grabbed his laptop and camera and entered the elevator singing "Miss America".
Back in Kaede's office, her assistant editor was looking worried. "Don't you think you should have told him what kind of a pageant he's covering?" Koharu asked nervously.
"He'll figure it out soon enough," was Kaede's only reply.
********* Author Notes: I realized today that this parody is going to take longer to develop than I originally thought. Great. Now I'm working on two completely different stories at the same time. I'm getting soooo confused! Sophie-chan, this is all your fault! (throws the laptop at Sophie-chan)
tsunami-chan, thanks for the review, but I'm not going to tell you who the bad guy will be, you'll just have to read on bwahahaha :P Lavender
**********************************
By the time Sango arrived at the Naraku Hellsent Detective Agency, the others were already waiting impatiently. Not bothering to remove her jacket, Sango threw herself into the nearest chair and slung her feet over the side. She pointedly ignored Myoga's muttered protests about her combat boots scuffing the leather.
Kagura wrinkled her nose at Sango. "You've been hanging out in the bars again," she sniffed. "You reek of cheap cigarettes and beer."
Sango good-naturedly flipped her the bird. "Bet I had a better time than you did," she replied, "or you wouldn't have been in such a hurry to get here. Wasn't rich boy Kuno everything you hoped he would be?"
Kagura ignored her and started drumming her long nails against the end table. "Myoga, when's Naraku going to call?"
Myoga glanced at his watch. "He's in a conference with our client, but he'll be contacting us any minute now. Kagome, if you will just - Kagome? Kagome?"
Sango gently nudged Kagome with her boot. "Hey, space case!"
Kagome snapped out of her daydream. "Sorry," she mumbled. "I was thinking about that formula I've been working on. What did you want?"
"I was just asking you to switch the speaker on so Naraku can hear our conversation when he's finished," Myoga told her. "Now," he continued, "have any of you heard of Vicious Dragon?"
Sango and Kagura gave him blank looks, but Kagome stood up at attention. "You mean the assassin?" she exclaimed. Myoga nodded and continued speaking.
"Our client has come to us with the information that his next target is a big-time counterfeiter who goes by the codename 'Lazy Panda'. Our client wants Vicious Dragon, or 'VD' as he is more commonly known, stopped."
"This sounds like a job for law enforcement," Kagura stated. "Why are we involved?"
"Because," a smooth voice came over the speaker, "our client is none other than the Lazy Panda himself."
"Since when do we work for criminals?" Kagome sputtered.
"When they haven't been convicted yet and they pay us large amounts of cash up front," Naraku replied.
"That explains the Thunder Brothers," Sango grimaced, remembering their last case. "Hey Naraku, maybe you should stop advertising at the local prisons."
"That's where I found you, Sango, and I'll thank you not to forget that. Back to the case: Lazy Panda believes VD will strike at a beauty pageant in Hawaii. Lazy Panda's corporation is one of the primary sponsors, so he will be there as one of the guest judges. VD won't be able to resist striking at a large public gathering; this character seems to get a thrill from an audience."
"Why haven't they been able to catch this assassin yet?" Kagura asked.
"No one knows what VD looks like, not even the people who hire him, and he never kills his target the same way twice. We do know VD is a man because he left a DNA sample behind on his last murder weapon."
Kagome started pacing the room. "We're going to get this slime, Naraku. What's our cover? Is one of us going to pose as a pageant contestant?"
"After that FBI farce at the Miss Universe Pageant in San Antonio, that's the last disguise I'd use. Anyway, this pageant is a little different than most."
The girls looked uncertainly at each other. "So," said Sango, "Just exactly what will we be doing?"
Naraku gave a low chuckle. "Don't worry, Sango, I have the perfect job lined up for you. You will be in charge of operational security for the pageant. All the security assigned will report directly to you. Because of your position, you will be able to keep a close eye on all the contestants and judges." Sango nodded in agreement.
"Kagome," Naraku's voice continued, "You will oversee the technical crew managing communications, including the computer systems. This will allow you to actively monitor all incoming and outgoing communications." Kagome gave a satisfied smile.
"What about me, Naraku?" Kagura interjected.
"Well, Kagura," Naraku hesitated. "We had a little trouble finding a spot for someone with your, shall we say, unique abilities. But we did eventually manage to locate a position that will be perfect for obtaining inside information from the contestants."
"And just what position would that be, Naraku?" Kagura asked suspiciously.
"You will be an au pair to one of the contestants."
"Au pair? Isn't that a BABY SITTER? And isn't it unusual for one of the contestants to have a child?"
"I told you this was no traditional beauty pageant," Naraku explained patiently. "These contestants range in age from 18 to 42, and many are in some kind of relationship. You will be staying in the same residence with a couple and a child. The child's father is one of our primary suspects."
"Naraku, how in the hell am I supposed to do detective work while I'm BABY SITTING?" screeched Kagura. "I don't even LIKE the little ankle biters!"
"I'm sure you'll find a way, my dear Kagura. Now, Myoga will brief you on the suspects and travel plans. Have a pleasant trip, girls. I know you'll come through for me." With that parting statement, the speaker went silent.
*********
I am the luckiest bastard on the planet Earth, Miroku thought joyfully as he danced out of Kaede's office. He had almost kissed his editor's grizzled old face when she handed him the job. Covering a beauty pageant in Hawaii! This made up for all the years he'd spent at the magazine covering boring tycoons and embezzling corporate officers. He grabbed his laptop and camera and entered the elevator singing "Miss America".
Back in Kaede's office, her assistant editor was looking worried. "Don't you think you should have told him what kind of a pageant he's covering?" Koharu asked nervously.
"He'll figure it out soon enough," was Kaede's only reply.
********* Author Notes: I realized today that this parody is going to take longer to develop than I originally thought. Great. Now I'm working on two completely different stories at the same time. I'm getting soooo confused! Sophie-chan, this is all your fault! (throws the laptop at Sophie-chan)
tsunami-chan, thanks for the review, but I'm not going to tell you who the bad guy will be, you'll just have to read on bwahahaha :P Lavender
